I am an active alcoholic. I am also desperately poor and the mother of three amazing children. I just can't seem to hit rock bottom. A bottom low enough to actually quit drinking.
Every morning I wake up bloated, tired, lonely sad and afraid. I put on a good act for the kids though. I wake them up smiling and cheerful but on the inside I'm horrible. I go to work, where I make next to nothing, and am home for them when they get out of school. I'm able to take them and pick them up from activities, all the while faking my enjoyment. I don't feel "good" again until I've had a few glasses of wine. That's how I know I'm an alcoholic.
I tried AA for a period of time. I lied to my kids about where I was going. On top of all our financial troubles, I don't want them to know their mother suffers from a terrible problem. At the meetings I was angry and cried uncontrollably. My behavior only made me mad and embarrassed. Then I tried to go and just not speak but I never felt better after the meetings. Everyone else seems to feel better. I've left feeling worse and even more disconnected. I just don't fit in or find solace at the meetings. Am I the only one who feels that? I wonder what it is that I was doing, or saying, that's wrong.
I recently scoured the internet and found this site. I'm hoping there are other mothers out there who lived with the guilt and shame and found a way out of despair. I'm wondering if there are other mothers who might understand the need to self medicate to actually be "better" for their kids. Even though that self medication is killing them. I feel so alone.