Sunday, July 20, 2014

WHEN WILL I HIT ROCK BOTTOM?

***submitted by Anonymous

I am an active alcoholic. I am also desperately poor and the mother of three amazing children. I just can't seem to hit rock bottom.  A bottom low enough to actually quit drinking. 

I suffer from depression and constant shame. I know drinking contributes to my depression, but my intellectual and physical problem is that when I consume my nightly bottle of wine, sometimes two. I feel better. I don't blackout or lash out at my kids. I'm actually nicer and more enjoyable to be around.  I think drinking eliminates the fear and anxiety that goes along being so poor now.  I'm able to play with my kids, make them laugh, and not let them see how bad our money issues are. Our financial situation scares me, for all of us. How depressed I am over it all scares me too. Their father less us penniless and disappeared from our lives 5 years ago.

Every morning I wake up bloated, tired, lonely sad and afraid.  I put on a good act for the kids though. I wake them up smiling and cheerful but on the inside I'm horrible.  I go to work, where I make next to nothing, and am home for them when they get out of school. I'm able to take them and pick them up from activities, all the while faking my enjoyment.  I don't feel "good" again until I've had a few glasses of wine.  That's how I know I'm an alcoholic.

I tried AA for a period of time. I lied to my kids about where I was going. On top of all our financial troubles, I don't want them to know their mother suffers from a terrible problem.  At the meetings I was angry and cried uncontrollably.  My behavior only made me mad and embarrassed. Then I tried to go and just not speak but I never felt better after the meetings. Everyone else seems to feel better. I've left feeling worse and even more disconnected.  I just don't fit in or find solace at the meetings.  Am I the only one who feels that? I wonder what it is that I was doing, or saying, that's wrong.  
I recently scoured the internet and found this site. I'm hoping there are other mothers out there who lived with the guilt and shame and found a way out of despair. I'm wondering if there are other mothers who might understand the need to self medicate to actually be "better" for their kids. Even though that self medication is killing them. I feel so alone.

Monday, July 14, 2014

WHY CAN'T I CONTROL MY DRINKING?

**** submitted by Jenny


I'm not sure that if I'm an alcoholic or just a really foolish person with weak self control. I read these stories and feel sharing my small struggle might be insulting to those who suffer so much more severely.  I go up and down and have for many years.  I'm a mom in my 30's and I think my problem is that I just get so bored with life.  I've cut way down for a period of time and then the next thing I know, I'm back to drinking as much as I was and more.  I thought I just needed to learn to pace myself better.  My hangovers made me feel so horrible, as a mom and as a person. The waking up in the middle of the night depressed and hating myself still occurs even though I no longer get sick and have to tell my kids I have the flu.  I've had some pretty horrible guilt filled episodes in the past.  I ask my husband for help with cutting down and even cry about it.  He says he understands and will help. He can't help but I keep hoping he can. I don't blame him, it's not his responsibility.  What am I a child?  Lately I've been drinking almost every evening.  I was even slurring the other night when my daughter needed me when she was having a hard time falling asleep.  Ugh how horrible - I think she knows I drink too much and I think it disturbs her little heart.  She is getting older, 9 now and very wise.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I say I'll cut back and then the next night I'm making another martini.  Vodka - I crave it in the evening to let loose and hang out with my husband and feel care free.  Half the time I end up starting an argument because he's tired and doesn't respond well.  I end up being emotionally demanding or unreasonable.  I just dumped the vodka out for what seems like the hundredth time. Until the next time.  Do I need to quit, or just learn self control?  I don't drink much quantity-wise as I get drunk crazy easy these days. Maybe it's my blood sugar or the way I metabolize it. I don't know.   I don't know where to go from here.  I wish I could just be normal and have a couple drinks but once I start I don't stop, I've learned to make them weaker but I don't stop, its always just one more.  I just feel stupid. Please help.