Thursday, June 5, 2014

CRAWLING OUT FROM MY BELOVED BOTTLE....

*** - submitted by Anonymous

My life, as I know it will never be the same.  I am trying to put on my usual perky, happy face for the world but inside I am a complete jumble. I just finished reading  "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston.  While I have known for some time that I have problems with alcohol, this book made me confront them. yet oddly comforted me to realize I am not alone.  My abuse of alcohol was not merely "genetic predisposition" or me having no self control.....my use of alcohol to comfort and sustain me stems from many issues in my life. 

I am 47 years old.  Growing up was tough - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self esteem and overweight, unpopular me was left to fend for myself most of the time.  Emotionally, I was completely independent.  Oddly, I never drank in high school however I attended university at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and students prided themselves on their ability to party.  And so began my journey into binge drinking and subsequent bad behavior - ranging from black outs, to horrendous hangovers to inappropriate sexual activities. I figured the only way for a fat girl to have a sexual encounter was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys. I woke up one morning, naked in bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I think back and it is truly a wonder I didn't get seriously injured, end up in a hospital or drunk tank or pregnant.  Life progressed on - I became a registered nurse, obtained a masters degree and dated a nice fellow.  We drank wine on weekends when we were together and occasionally during the week I would purchase a bottle for myself.  Fast forward...marriage, .two pregnancies, both during which I completely abstained, and did not miss it.  But then as life went on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, workaholic husband with anger issues.....wine on weekends became wine Thursday-Sunday.  My husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of wine...and soon a nightly ritual to crack one or two.... Secretly, I began mixing my own cocktails and keeping the glass hidden in my baking cupboard.  As soon as I get home - and face the household mess, getting supper, trying to get ADHD boy to focus on homework while prying the other one off of his ipod.....I can only think about mixing that drink....which I keep refilling until eventually I fall asleep or pass out.  In the mornings, first thing I do is check my i-phone to see whom I may have inadvertently texted while drunk. 

But there is more - two years ago I became involved in a very intense emotional affair with one of my son's friend's fathers.  The relationship never got physical (other then a few hugs and standing very close at sporting events) but if any of you have read about (or experienced) and emotional affair, the impact can be just as dramatic and intense, if not more so then a physical relationship.  I was on cloud nine - every time my phone indicated a message...oh the rush of feelings.  Often we chatted late into the night, sometimes in the middle of the night, while we were at work..I was happier then I had ever been.  The relationship was getting perilously close to crossing the sexual line and he pulled back.  I have been devastated and grieving this loss....and the drinking increased.  My cocktails soothed me.  Helped the pain..

I am so ashamed as I look back over my life.  The drunken episodes.....getting totally hammered last Christmas at a cocktail party.  Wasted at my sister's 50th birthday.  Ranting messages on my iphone.  Screaming fits in front of my kids.  Punching my husband in the face.  A total shrieking fight one night when my son had a friend sleeping over......

I am in counselling which has been an epiphany.....plus reading Ann's book and now discovering this website and reading similar stories.  I feel like I am coming home.

This is also going to be the first day of the rest of my life....In a strange way, I am looking forward to this journey......