Sunday, November 30, 2014

WHY DOES SOBRIETY SEEM SO FAR AWAY?

*** submitted anonymously


I've been struggling with coming to terms w/ the fact that I am in fact an alcoholic. I have watched my drinking steadily increase as each day/month passes by. At first, it was just to release irritation/anger/frustration and strictly on the weekends. If I'm being honest, it was also because I was lonely. Now, it's becoming the new normal for me to have more than 2-3 drinks in an evening at least once or twice during the week. This leaves me feeling horrible the next day and like a failure because I'm not really sure how to stop.

I keep telling myself that this addiction is something I can easily stop or "cure" at any moment and yet whenever I think about quitting, I end up drowning myself in alcohol that very evening. It's like my mind/body is screaming NO DON'T TAKE IT AWAY! I mean what is that? I think about quitting so that means rush home and get wasted so I don't think about quitting. Then I wake up feeling like shit and am back on the I need to quit band wagon. 

You know it's bad when your own daughter tells you that you are an alcoholic just like your father. That one hurt and yet I went straight to the crutch of alcohol to numb that pain. Nothing like drowning your sorrows in cold beer to feel better right? What's sad is that I was trying to justify to her how I was NOT like him. I wasn't raging/abusive or drinking 12 packs of beer every night. (Note to self: you are drinking at least a six pack and sometimes more) Then I get angry with her (never to her directly but in my mind or to my mother) for being angry with me about my drinking. My go-to line is always "I am the adult and she can't tell me what I can/can't do with my life." SERIOUSLY?!?!?! So your child can't voice her opinion about how she hates seeing you drink and wishes you wouldn't do it to yourself? Yeah...she's the devil. 

GET IT TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You are stronger than this addiction. You are stronger than this disease. WHY are you letting it ruin your relationship with your daughter when you are the ONLY ONE she has?!?!? 

I could list a million reasons why I drink. I'm mostly aware of them all. Drinking is the norm in my family and with most of my friends. How do you watch a football game w/o drinking? How do you enjoy vacation w/o drinking? How do you relax in the hot tub/pool w/o drinking? Every facet of my life seems to have an injection of alcohol at some point.

For as long as I can remember back to childhood, I have been around alcohol. I started drinking at a very young age (14/15 ish) and put myself into some VERY scary predicaments since that time. I drank all through high school and my 20's and now into my 30's. I will be turning 35 in September and I hope that I will spend that as my first sober birthday.

I'm in the process of gathering the tools I believe I will need to quit. I'm pretty sure the #1 thing for me is my daughter. As a daughter to an alcoholic father, I know exactly how she feels and I do NOT want her to follow in the family footsteps. I pray every day that she continues to hate alcohol and stays far, far away from it. 

149 comments:

  1. What can I say? Get help. Please? Don't let shame keep you away from becoming free of alcohol. If you are not there yet at least get started to learn about your disease; start reading up on the subject and keep a diary or blog in between: if you are going to spend an evening boozing you might as well focus 10-15 minutes on reading, writing and thinking about it, not?
    Veronica Valli's 'Why you drink and how to quit' would be a good book if you are ready do accept that there is a hole in your life, your soul, that feels like it is fixed with when you drink. Still, nothing vague, very down to earth.
    If you are into the psychology behind addictive personalities read 'Addictive personality' by Craig Nakken.
    A must read that will save you a lot of physical and emotional problems when you quit is 'Seven weeks to sobriety' by doctor Mathews Larson. She takes the nutrients approach and claims that addiction to alcohol is mainly physical and eases cravings with supplements. I used to think the same, now I am not sure any more. It might be a 1/3 spirit, 1/3 mental, 1/3 body thing. Anyhow, when you drink, please do take extra multi vitamin B and Omega 3 and possibly Maria Thistle to clean your liver and keep eating healthy, homecooked with veggies. You want to still have a body and a brain to come back to when you quit. And DON'T use either of these tips as an excuse to start to drink more (!!!!!)
    Save 'Kick the drink easily' by Jason Vale for the last days before you quit. He explains very thoroughly how alcohol is embedded in this society and what traps you will encounter when quitting. A very good read. Allan Carr's version of this seems to be similar.
    Recovery 2.0 by Tommy Rosen is a Very Good book that ticks all the boxes (for me).
    And of course you can look up organisations like the AA and others. But if going to AA: don't fall into the trap of eating shitloads of sugar, drinking coffee and smoking because that will keep you hooked. If you do any of these things (smoking, coffee, sugar), you might want to start with the Seven weeks to sobriety and loose these habbits first. Believe me: that sounds bad but will make it all WAY easier. Remember: an addiction settles in the place in your brain where if you don't use the poison of choice your body feels like you are going to die. That is how addiction can become so strong. The fact is that this is actually not true (well, apart from really heavy drinkers having a delirium tremens when quitting). The fact is that you will feel 1000% better when you stop. And... you'll have to work on the issues underneath your addiction but you will have the time and the brains to do so then.
    Have a read through some of the blogs on sobriety, they might help you. I wish you luck and wisdom and above all I wish you and your daughter to be freed of this addiction.

    ReplyDelete
  2. One cure. Jesus. He cured me from years and years of drug and alcohol abuse not to mention the roots of bitterness, anger, guilt, shame, blame etc. that go along with it. I am NOT religious. Don't take my word for it ask Jesus yourself with a broken humble heart. He will hear you and He will answer and heal you just as He did me. Ask, Seek, Knock. Hope to see you on the other side.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can relate to a lot of what you say, the following especially:

    Now, it's becoming the new normal for me to have more than 2-3 drinks in an evening at least once or twice during the week. This leaves me feeling horrible the next day and like a failure because I'm not really sure how to stop.

    Drinking is the norm in my family and with most of my friends. How do you watch a football game w/o drinking? How do you enjoy vacation w/o drinking? How do you relax in the hot tub/pool w/o drinking? Every facet of my life seems to have an injection of alcohol at some point.

    I have had these thoughts too. I'm only about 6 weeks in but what seems to be making the difference for me this time is the online connections I am making. Reading other peoples stories and finding out they are just like me. You are brave to share your story and I think it's a great first step. Wishing you luck and strength!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you for sharing your story. I am in a similar predicament, drinking 3-4 glasses of wine a night (never the bottle, oh no, I leave at least an ounce or two so I can tell myself I took it easy last night) but I don't have children and my husband drinks as much or more than I do. It's hard to hold myself accountable when there's nothing at home preventing me from having a "good time." And to the wonderful moderators of this site, I am so glad you posted this story. I check in almost daily and hope to see more regular stories again soon. Your site is such a gift to many of us.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Crap ass. just wrote a paragraph that came out of my head naturally and of course i lost it. Anyway, I supposed i just wanted you to know you are, BY FAR, not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  6. The hardest day is Day One, followed by Day Two. It is hard but it is possible-many of us have succeeded. I had to do t while my hubby drank and it was hard. We're not together anymore for those and many other reasons, many having to do with addictions and how miserable they make life... I sincerely believe you can do it and be successful at it. Just do one day at a time, that's all we really have anyway-Today. Try for one day to be sober and see how it feels the next day-for me it was a revelation when I awakened without the hangover or headache. That started me thinking that it might be better to stick to medical marijuana.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Im 34 and have been trying to quit off and on for three years. Went 10 months but blew it in August. Im tired of the shame and dont want my two little boys to grow up and repeat my family's addiction. I dont want to go to AA. God help us here's to a sober Christmas. Day two but im trying not to count the days this time around. Peace and love

    ReplyDelete
  8. Alcoholism is unique to everyone. But I'm 48 and STILL struggling with it...please don't waste 14 years trying to figure it out. Remember when you were 21 and now you're 34? You know you can't go back and change anything...but i'll bet you wish you could. Don't be saying that at 48. It's hard to believe, one liquid form has more power than our mighty selves...gotta be a way to overcome that...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I totally agree. I am now 55 in April and still fighting with myself to quit. Its a dam vicious circle. I can only seem to stand strong for one or two days then something always comes up that would involve having drinks. Dinner out, hot tub, a hard days work, anything, everyone I know drinks. Alcohol has been in my life since the age of 13. I too got myself in some pretty dangerous situations. I now want so bad to quit and lose weight before I'm 55. Don't wait start now. I look at my life now and it was all a quick blur and now more black outs in order to sleep. Waking to try to remember what happened the night before. Than I hate myself and will never do this again, I've got to stop I've only got maybe 20 years left ...and thats if Im healthy and taking care of my body!!

      Delete
  9. Dear brave writer,
    I hear so many things in this post that resonate with me. I, too, thought I was stronger than my addiction. I also thought that all I had to do was "get it together". I watched my disease go from a few glasses of wine in the evening to being passed out by 2:00 pm on a Sunday afternoon. I tried quitting on my own and made it 54 days, white knuckling it all the way. I tried "controlling" my drinking, switching from white wine to red wine and then back again, only drinking at home, only drinking when I went out, getting more exercise, reading books and blogs on alcoholism, meditation, pouring all of the alcohol out of the house only to run down to the grocery store and buying more. You name it, I tired it. I tried everything except asking for help, because the shame I felt in admitting that I was powerless to control my alcoholism seemed worse to me than the drinking itself. I am now at 70 days sober and this time I don't feel like I am being deprived of anything. Tea is my new wine, and I have managed to do a lot of the things that I feared doing without alcohol. I've attended Thanksgiving, and Christmas functions where alcohol was being served and learned that I don't have to drink, but I don't have to be boring and have a crappy time either. The biggest change for me is that I am not trying to do this alone anymore. Not only have my cravings for alcohol become manageable, but the shame that once paralyzed me has been removed. I'm attending AA meetings daily, but I realize that may not be the answer for everyone. There are other groups that support women in recovery such as Women for Sobriety, Inc; Smart Recovery; Rational Recovery; various counselors and therapists, and some faith based organizations. The point is for you to develop a support network and recognize that you don't have to do this alone. I urge you, for yourself and your daughter, to please reach out to someone and get help.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This post really resonates with me - I am struggling to come to terms with my drinking issue and am grappling with applying the A word label to myself - I have started my own blog ( winecoloredmemories.blogspot.com) and have two post on there that detail my lows or bottoms - when I read those, I think (know) I need to stop - but why is it so hard?!? You are definitely not alone!

    ReplyDelete
  11. There are many pathways to sobriety and the return to sanity. People choose to beat addiction every day. You can certainly be one of them. Get after it, you are NOT alone!!!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I too am the daughter of an alcoholic with a daughter. I so badly do not want to carry on the legacy and be a good role model for her. She has watched me struggle for years. I want her to see me 100% sober 100% of the time and happy without alcohol. I am struggling too buy still trying. Keep trying.

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