**** submitted by Jenny
I'm not sure that if I'm an alcoholic or just a really foolish person with weak self control. I read these stories and feel sharing my small struggle might be insulting to those who suffer so much more severely. I go up and down and have for many years. I'm a mom in my 30's and I think my problem is that I just get so bored with life. I've cut way down for a period of time and then the next thing I know, I'm back to drinking as much as I was and more. I thought I just needed to learn to pace myself better. My hangovers made me feel so horrible, as a mom and as a person. The waking up in the middle of the night depressed and hating myself still occurs even though I no longer get sick and have to tell my kids I have the flu. I've had some pretty horrible guilt filled episodes in the past. I ask my husband for help with cutting down and even cry about it. He says he understands and will help. He can't help but I keep hoping he can. I don't blame him, it's not his responsibility. What am I a child? Lately I've been drinking almost every evening. I was even slurring the other night when my daughter needed me when she was having a hard time falling asleep. Ugh how horrible - I think she knows I drink too much and I think it disturbs her little heart. She is getting older, 9 now and very wise. I just don't know what to do with myself. I say I'll cut back and then the next night I'm making another martini. Vodka - I crave it in the evening to let loose and hang out with my husband and feel care free. Half the time I end up starting an argument because he's tired and doesn't respond well. I end up being emotionally demanding or unreasonable. I just dumped the vodka out for what seems like the hundredth time. Until the next time. Do I need to quit, or just learn self control? I don't drink much quantity-wise as I get drunk crazy easy these days. Maybe it's my blood sugar or the way I metabolize it. I don't know. I don't know where to go from here. I wish I could just be normal and have a couple drinks but once I start I don't stop, I've learned to make them weaker but I don't stop, its always just one more. I just feel stupid. Please help.