Monday, July 14, 2014

WHY CAN'T I CONTROL MY DRINKING?

**** submitted by Jenny


I'm not sure that if I'm an alcoholic or just a really foolish person with weak self control. I read these stories and feel sharing my small struggle might be insulting to those who suffer so much more severely.  I go up and down and have for many years.  I'm a mom in my 30's and I think my problem is that I just get so bored with life.  I've cut way down for a period of time and then the next thing I know, I'm back to drinking as much as I was and more.  I thought I just needed to learn to pace myself better.  My hangovers made me feel so horrible, as a mom and as a person. The waking up in the middle of the night depressed and hating myself still occurs even though I no longer get sick and have to tell my kids I have the flu.  I've had some pretty horrible guilt filled episodes in the past.  I ask my husband for help with cutting down and even cry about it.  He says he understands and will help. He can't help but I keep hoping he can. I don't blame him, it's not his responsibility.  What am I a child?  Lately I've been drinking almost every evening.  I was even slurring the other night when my daughter needed me when she was having a hard time falling asleep.  Ugh how horrible - I think she knows I drink too much and I think it disturbs her little heart.  She is getting older, 9 now and very wise.  I just don't know what to do with myself.  I say I'll cut back and then the next night I'm making another martini.  Vodka - I crave it in the evening to let loose and hang out with my husband and feel care free.  Half the time I end up starting an argument because he's tired and doesn't respond well.  I end up being emotionally demanding or unreasonable.  I just dumped the vodka out for what seems like the hundredth time. Until the next time.  Do I need to quit, or just learn self control?  I don't drink much quantity-wise as I get drunk crazy easy these days. Maybe it's my blood sugar or the way I metabolize it. I don't know.   I don't know where to go from here.  I wish I could just be normal and have a couple drinks but once I start I don't stop, I've learned to make them weaker but I don't stop, its always just one more.  I just feel stupid. Please help.

62 comments:

  1. Control is generally futile and impossible, especially when you often start and can't stop. You need to stop completely. I was in a similar place - not being the mother I wanted to be, not being the wife I wanted to be, spending so much time thinking about alcohol and how to control it. It's so much better to just accept that I can't drink ever or again. Talk to your doctor honestly; reach out to a good therapist; explore peer support like AA, Smart Recovery, or Women for Sobriety. I haven't had a drink in five years and am a better mom, better wife, better employee, and much much happier.

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  2. How about a re-frame? Drop "control" and all it entails, and replace with "consent" and all it entails. Consent means accepting that control is not really possible [in life, writ large, when you really get down to it, not just in regards drinking, or parenting, or career]. So much of our suffering occurs because we cannot find "radical acceptance" in ourselves, or others, or life circumstances.

    Now, another re-frame: awareness. You are "aware" that drinking is causing/increasing/manifesting challenges in your life. "Recognition" -- in an of itself -- is critical. Does it make us feel bad? Different? Possibly out of control? Yes. Yes. Yes.

    But, here's the thing -- recognition/awareness is the key to change. With awareness, also comes awareness of struggles with feelings of shame, feeling out of control, and feeling different from others (omg, why can't I can't control my drinking)? Here's where the rubber meets the road. When we take our hands off the wheel, with awareness, we reach out to others (like you did) and we find that it's safe to express our fears and challenges to others.

    We are all winging it, my friend. And, many of us, have accepted that drinking is something we cannot do. In my own life, once I truly became aware of drinking's impact on my life (and the feelings I was using drinking to avoid), I accepted (radically) that I could no longer drink. Period. Once I accepted that, the work began. For me, it was not the absence of drinking that made my life better -- instead, it was what I addressed emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically after removing drink as an option in my life.

    It is scary, but it's scarier in our minds than in reality. You reached out here. It's a wonderful step. It is acknowledging yourself, for yourself, perhaps in a way that is hard.

    Again, for me -- acknowledgement led to acceptance led to recovery led to joy. Much love to you.



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    1. thanks for this post anonymous

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  3. Sending you so much love and compassion because the self hatred in your post reminds me so much of how I have been at times. It's actually a sign that it's time to seek help, when you find yourself playing those control games with themselves. I read the book Drink last week and related so much to the arc of the author's addiction. At one point she was controlling it (as you probably have in the past) and then addiction, sly beast that it is, snuck up and bit her on the ass. Then she realised she had lost control. Addiction progresses slowly with some. Slowly but surely it gets worse until it's screaming at you so loud you have to deal with it. Your husband isn't equipped to help you. Reach out. You're not alone.

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  4. I could have written this.
    You are t stupid or weak. You are probably a bit depressed and it's because the booze is bring you down.
    Give yourself a break. A true break.clean the booze out of your house and show your husband this post. Maybe he will hear the cry for help.
    It is worth it. Because 9 year old girls know way more than we think and it is scary for them. I know from experience.

    Huddle up and start. Call a therapist, go to AA, whatever that first action is. Do it soon you will realize your life is full of wonder and joy. Not boredom.
    You can do it.

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  5. Dear Jenny, You are right at the point where I was when I finally figured out that I just couldn't live like that anymore. Only I was starting much earlier in the day than you. I woke up in a panic at almost the exact time every night, in the middle of the night. I would tell my husband not to bring me any more liquor, then I would ask him to. This went on for a few years for me until it became such an obsession I could barely function without planning and insuring that there would be enough to drink. And there never was.
    I just passed my year sober date and I can assure you that life is 100% better. I just had to surrender and admit that I could not moderate my drinking. I just had to stop, for one day at a time, and then do it again the next day. Finding sober support helped immensely and being accountable to my husband and support group helped too. This is not impossible and if I could do it you can too. Warm regards, Trish E

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  6. Oh Jenny-love, you are asking for help and that's the first step. You can do it-one day, one hour at a time. You only need to be strong for a day at a time; your daughter knows so much more than we think she does and I bet she's crying out too-likely silently but still seeing and hearing you ... set a good example of strength and determination and follow-thru. We're here for you to lean on.

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  7. Alcoholics Anonymous is ... affordable, anonymous, and you can go ... sit, have a cup of tea, a cookie, relax in a chair for an hour, and listen. I heard people laughing, smiling, feeling good ( I on the other hand, felt sick to my stomach, cried the hour, stared at my shoes and all the other shoes) and when we circled to close the meeting, I heard 8 wonderful words from the 87 year old grand daddy that held my hand ... "Keep coming back, you're in the right place" .... that was March 2, 2009. Today, I am one of the people in the room laughing, smiling .... and waiting to offer you my hand ... a cup of coffee, and a cookie. Blessings,

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  8. I can relate to so many things you have said. I too used to drink because I was bored. I never realized that until I read another post. I had to change my thinking to remind myself it is alright to be bored that life is not a daily party. Also, what helped me was to look up the side-effects of alcohol use. I never really thought about how I was damaging my body. Your being able to get drunk quicker is a sign of some damage. I don't want to scare you but it is something drinkers don't often realize. I had to completely stop drinking to break the cycle and to remember that I could have fun without alcohol. The guilt you describe is gut wrenching and consuming. I know. As others mentioned its not about self-control or being weak. It's about finding the help, support and information you need. It's about changing your routines. It's about reframing your thoughts and detoxing your body. Try some things differently this time. Journal. Keep reaching out. Identify your triggers. Lynda is absolutely right. You asked for help so you are on your way! It is in no way easy but it is doable and extremely worthwhile to you and your family. Hugs

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    1. "I had to change my thinking to remind myself it is alright to be bored that life is not a daily party."

      Man that hit me hard

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  9. I, like others, hear myself in your voice. The mental escape and euphoria are so tempting when life otherwise feels kind of bland. I've been sober under a year but can tell you it's easier to surrender and give it up then to be in this toxic relationship with booze. You are absolutely not alone. One day when you truly feel like there's more to lose, you'll find the strength to quit but always remember there are so many people who relate to you.

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    1. "The mental escape and euphoria are so tempting when life otherwise feels kind of bland. "

      So so so true

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  10. What a great heartfelt share, thank you. Progressive came to mind, especially for us women in our 30's. Well, I am forty now, but I was 39 when I got my DUII... a solid 23 years of drinking, trying to control, taking breaks, feeling guilty and a whole shit show list. Surrender. Admitting I was powerless over alcohol was the most empowering thing I have ever done in my life. See that my life had become unmanageable (ie mom roll, relationships, finances, me... inside and out) gave me back so much power and choice. Once upon a time I was surviving and I had no idea what kind of life I was missing out - I appeared to have it all and my shit together. Ha! Over a year sober and recovering my soul, I am living a life beyond my wildest dreams... I love sobriety and being free! There is not a challenge in my life that alcohol will make better. There is not a celebration in life that will make alcohol better. Life is amazing as is. I am blessed. I am grateful for your share and for the responses - love, compassion and empathy. I love when people told me - you don't have to drink today (repeat daily) ... I can, but I do not have to. Much
    love! Let Love Love... http://letlovelovem.blogspot.com/

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  11. Ive been reading a lot about Moderation Management recently - it describes how, depending on what stage of alcohol abuse you are at, moderation is totally possible BUT either way a 30 day abstinence period is needed. You need the 30 days so that you can reframe and learn that you can deal with bad emotions, boredness and general shittiness without alcohol. You learn tools to say "no" in that 30 days so that then you can go on to moderate, equipped with the knowledge that you went 30 days totally alcohol free and life went on. Maybe you should look into that?
    B
    xx

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  12. Your story is almost identical to mine!I'm a little older than you, and my kids a little younger, but the rest is the same. I don't know if this will work for you......but I just had to stop.....completely.Was it hard? absolutely. I mourned the loss of my crutch and friend....as I saw it. Now, almost 2 years in, it's a lot easier. Is life perfect? no! but if I'm honest, it's a lot better. be prepared for a completely new relationship with yourself first of all, as you discover who you really are. Alcohol blurs and clouds everything that is real and good. I hope you give it a shot, good luck.
    xxx

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  13. This is me too! Day one tomorrow! I'm scared to death but have no other choice. Please pray for me!

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    1. Hoping youa re doing ell. Are you on day eight? Were you able to be solid and hold your line of determination? I so hope for you that your life is on the right path now.

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    2. Day 1 again today, so far so good! Praying for success this time. Thanks for your kind reply. This page is a God send!

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    3. Day 2, almost over.......

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    4. Day 3, anxiety level pretty high, no sleep last night, headache.......praying for strength.....please God.....

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    5. Day 4, slept fairly well last night, not as anxious today, taking one minute at a time. Posting this helps a lot even if no one is commenting. Praying for continued strength.

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    6. Day 5, feeling so much better!!! Slept so well last night, no anxiety today! God is good!

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    7. Day 6, sleeping like a rock. Having some weird muscle twitching and calf cramps but nothing too terrible. Hope that resolves itself with more days behind me. Praying for all.

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    8. Day 9, feeling so much better....no muscle twitches or cramps.....sleeping like a rock.....no anxiety or depression.....life is good.....praise the Lord!!! Praying for all others struggling!!!!

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    9. Day 1 again!!!! So very depressed......gotta stop this crap!!! Help!!!!

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    10. Day 1 again!!!! Help me God! Please!!!

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    11. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    12. How are you today? Remember how great day 9 felt? I hope you are there again, with today as your 10th.

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    13. Day 1 again. Feeling depressed.

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    14. anonymous from 9:47 here. i'm on day 2. feeling motivated, but as the day closes, feeling a little antsy as well. hope we both get through this one.

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    15. Hope that you are on day 27 by now......I'm back at square1.......just praying......and praying......

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    16. Hope all is well.

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  14. I drank for similar reasons-the stress/boredom of parenting but I knew on some level that it was just making those feelings more intense. I felt I needed it to deal with my anxious feelings. I, like you, did not drink a huge quantity but with regularity and to fulfill a craving. I can relate to the guilt in the middle of the night, the odd feeling that my kids "knew" I had a problem. I finally told myself that I needed to stop and if my anxiety was that bad then I needed to address it with my dr. and go about treating it responsibly. For me, when I stopped drinking, the anxiety dissipated as well. Of course I still feel stressed at times etc... but the alcohol definitely enhanced those feelings even though I "thought" it relaxed me. Of course the first days, weeks, months were tough and I really felt I had to be very conscious of triggers etcs... but right from the start a small piece of me felt relief and less burdened. I can only speak for myself and it is different for everyone, but the biggest hurdle for me was actually stopping and putting some days under my belt and not listening to the voice in my head that tried to cajole me into thinking that all I needed was a "bit of a break" or that I could drink "only on weekends". I tried to really be tough on accepting any bs from myself. I also sought help through others.
    There is something about motherhood, as much as I love and enjoy my children, that can be very draining and all encompassing in a way that you can feel stretched to the limit but alcohol is a seductive backstabber. You think it is helping you unwind when it is really ratcheting up the stress.

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  15. This previous post is EXACTLY me!!!! Thanks for your honesty! I can do this! Quit for 27 months a few years ago and thought that I could handle it again. Very sadly mistaken. Thank goodness for this blog. Being strong everyone and I will be praying for all of us.

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  16. Today is my day one. I am so scared but my story is just like yours and like you I have had enough.

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  17. i'm right there with you. i love to get a good buzz and have fun, but i just can't stop there. i try to keep that buzz going. then i have one drink too many. every single time. then i wake up the next day feeling guilty and depressed. and usually embarassed. i tell myself never again, then a few days later there i am again. thank you for sharing your story, it's good to know i'm not alone.

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  18. Yours is a story so similar to many women. Women in our society feel so much pressure to be everything to everybody, the perfect mom, the "fun carefree" wife, the superstar at work. We can't be the best at everything all the time, and we might look for an outlet, like unwinding with a glass of wine to feel a sense of relief and control. However, this behavior can quickly become a viscous cycle of dependence. You are not alone with the guilt and shame you feel, and there is plenty of help out there, and not just one right way on the path to recovery. Utilize blogs and the internet as resources and take the first step to a guilt free morning. All the best.

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  19. When a person writes "I'm not sure if I'm an alcoholic…" the answer is usually yes. I tried to moderate for a number of agonizing months, but once I decided to be sober -- totally, completely sober and committed to it -- I did. I hadn't "hit bottom" in the sense of blackouts or DUIs or ending up in strange men's beds. I just drank more than I wanted to, and felt shame about it. So I stopped. And I am so, so, SO happy and grateful that I did. There is a world of support out there to help you find that better, sober life.

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  20. I too could have written this exact post. 40 yrs old, 3 young children and too many foggy nights and hungover mornings. Sick and tired of being sick and tired yet there I'd be again that very night drinking wine while cooking dinner, while eating dinner, while cleaning up and then one as I lay in bed reading. Next day, guilt ridden and mad at myself and probably feeling sick. 13 days today with no wine (or other alcohol) and reading voraciously. The first book I read on day one was 7 Days Sober by Meredith Bell. It absolutely clicked with me and I credit that book and Almost Alcoholic as pivotal in this change of mindset I've had. That crazy dance of moderation rule setting that I always failed at is just too exhausting. Samuel Johnson said "abstience is as easy for me as temperance would be difficult." That FINALLY resonates! Seems like a relief. Give those books a shot and see if they help you as much as they have me.

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  21. I know the feeling. I wrote my blog for people just on the cusp of the action stage of change. It sounds to me like you are well on your way to quitting. After a year or maybe two of having ups and downs you will come to a place where your comfortable. From comfortable it only gets better.

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  22. Put yourself first. For an hour! Or a day! You deserve it.

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  23. Jenny, I think the first step is recognizing that there may be an issue. Children are so inquisitive aren't they - much love and compassion sent your way.

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  24. I don’t drink, never did. But my husband does. He is in his 50th, drinks every single night and wouldn’t stop after just one drink. He keeps on drinking until he feels "happy". On the outside "happy" makes him stupid and angry, then while he is asleep “happy” makes him snore and scream awfully until 3-4 AM. It also gets him up every 30 minutes to use the bathroom that he can't find so he walks in a compete disorientation in the house up and down switching lights, pushing different doors, saying and doing things that make no sense and that he wont remember the next day. I have been recording him and letting him watch and listen to what he does at night. I have been trying to convince him that his drinking creates a big issue and that he had to become responsible about it. I’ve tried different approaches but they all failed. He believes that since he is capable to keeping his job his drinking shouldn’t be such a concern. He is also convinced that he is capable to control his drinking and he is fouling himself that he has been making progress. He refuses to reach out; he doesn’t want to hear about any therapy, support groups, doctors, etc. This has been going on for years. My kids are grown up and I have a grandson. Because of what my husband does every night I cant have them stay overnight in my house! My own good night sleep - I forgot what it was, my joy of life - where is it? I feel depressed and have problems focusing on my daily activities. I can’t express how much I am sick of it. My circumstances won’t allow me to leave my husband and I don’t know what to do.

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  25. I have read a lot of comments on this cite and the first thing I realized that I didn't see any men . but that didn't deter me from reading more. although Im not a mother I am a father and I experience a lot of the same effects . the anxiety , boredom and the guilt . I often feel that when people see me they can see my shame or they know somethings not right with my life . alcohol don't discriminate , it doesn't matter man woman or child if you indulge in it too often it will eventually consume your entire life and the life of those closest to you. I first starting drinking when was 17 I played highschool sports and that what we did after the games ,I then went to college and played football and you know what happen after the game , but with no parents around to hide it from it became worst. im 49 and I have quit in the past , just to show myself I could control it , but eventually the drinking would start again only with each time getting more severe . I drink one day and rest the next and this has been a cycle for numerous years , I tell myself I will only drink two today but it never ends up that way . im the life of the party I pretty much buy everything and my friends if I can call them that knows when I get started all they have to do is be around and they will get a freebie. and what worst I chain smoke when I drink and I only smoke when im drinking . ive come to the realization that I cant control it .At at this point I cant reverse the urge when it kicks in. . I want desperately to be free from this disease and live a normal healthy life. so my children can be proud of who I am . I wont quit fighting even though im losing . I have so much to offer to people and my self but im realizing that my drinking is diminishing creditability and respect . I pray everyone on this page get clean so they can lead a productive lifestyle.

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    ReplyDelete
  27. The physical pain of addiction can be unberable.

    I'm talking about waking up in the middle of the night; feeling depressed and only feeling "good" once the vodka hits your lips. Once the physical aspect of addiction is controlled, it becomes much easier to remain sober. I've read that it's believed that alcoholism could be exacerbated by the inability to metabolize sugar properly. The alcoholic craves and craves. Often, recovering alcoholics become addicted to sugar.

    Check out this story of sobriety, I think it could help you:

    http://www.livingsober.org.nz/sober-story-benny/

    Be well. Help is always available.

    ReplyDelete
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  38. By reading this article many benefits that we can learn. thank you for sharing your insights to us all .

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  39. I can't stop, either. I went about a year. I had. Glass of wine me a few months ago and steadily progressed back to where I was. I was so happy!! I don't know why I went back to this miserable feeling. The anxiety, guilt, money, shame. Why am I choosing this again?? I hate myself and I don't know how to stop.

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