Sunday, July 20, 2014

WHEN WILL I HIT ROCK BOTTOM?

***submitted by Anonymous

I am an active alcoholic. I am also desperately poor and the mother of three amazing children. I just can't seem to hit rock bottom.  A bottom low enough to actually quit drinking. 

I suffer from depression and constant shame. I know drinking contributes to my depression, but my intellectual and physical problem is that when I consume my nightly bottle of wine, sometimes two. I feel better. I don't blackout or lash out at my kids. I'm actually nicer and more enjoyable to be around.  I think drinking eliminates the fear and anxiety that goes along being so poor now.  I'm able to play with my kids, make them laugh, and not let them see how bad our money issues are. Our financial situation scares me, for all of us. How depressed I am over it all scares me too. Their father less us penniless and disappeared from our lives 5 years ago.

Every morning I wake up bloated, tired, lonely sad and afraid.  I put on a good act for the kids though. I wake them up smiling and cheerful but on the inside I'm horrible.  I go to work, where I make next to nothing, and am home for them when they get out of school. I'm able to take them and pick them up from activities, all the while faking my enjoyment.  I don't feel "good" again until I've had a few glasses of wine.  That's how I know I'm an alcoholic.

I tried AA for a period of time. I lied to my kids about where I was going. On top of all our financial troubles, I don't want them to know their mother suffers from a terrible problem.  At the meetings I was angry and cried uncontrollably.  My behavior only made me mad and embarrassed. Then I tried to go and just not speak but I never felt better after the meetings. Everyone else seems to feel better. I've left feeling worse and even more disconnected.  I just don't fit in or find solace at the meetings.  Am I the only one who feels that? I wonder what it is that I was doing, or saying, that's wrong.  
I recently scoured the internet and found this site. I'm hoping there are other mothers out there who lived with the guilt and shame and found a way out of despair. I'm wondering if there are other mothers who might understand the need to self medicate to actually be "better" for their kids. Even though that self medication is killing them. I feel so alone.

41 comments:

  1. I grew up with an alcoholic father. We had money problems - the phone would get shut off yet somehow there was always money for his gin. He'd leave it in the trunk of his car when he'd get home, and only go out later to get it when he thought people were distracted enough not to notice.
    Your kids already know that you have a problem with alcohol. They don't think you are happy and "better" when you are drinking, they know you are drunk. Wouldn't you know if your kids were chemically altered but pretending to be happy and fun?
    So, if you've been putting off going to a meeting because you are afraid your kids will know something is wrong with you and you feel like you are a better parent when you are drinking here is your way out of that excuse - both of those things are untrue.
    You aren't alone, and sadly your kids aren't either. By you getting help, they can too. Finding out that other people had the same childhood experience I did was one of the hugest reliefs in my life.
    And my dad? I've long since forgiven him for being human, and my siblings and I are going to spend a few days with him next week. He is a much better parent, and enjoyable to be around, now.
    Good luck.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
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      Delete
  2. I too struggle with depending on alcohol to make me feel happy. And in the end it just makes me feel so much worse about myself. I wake up after a heavy drinking night feeling so ashamed of myself and guilty. I feel like booze makes me a more fun mom too, but my husband tells me the kids just think I'm "being weird." So, everything you wrote hit pretty close to home.

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    1. I am feeling exacly like you. When my stress myself out....then is like a trigger for me. I have 2 lovely daughter that isolate themselves from when i am drunk. Nxt day i feel the ,shame and guilt. The youngest 1 curious why my hand shakes all thim. I really am trying to live sorber. Thanks for blog it made feel i am not alone .Thanks

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  3. Your post really resonates with me....I too felt very similar in many ways. Luckily I am still married, but my husband was always against my drinking and would often point out that I drank too much. That just made me drink more. Anyway....I finally went to AA when I got sick of feeling sick & tired with myself. It started out as a way for me to be around others that understood and to show that there is life after drinking and that it is possible to stop. I found it more rewarding to meet one on one with people that I found to be "my type". I've made several nice friends through AA, but also didn't enjoy or find the meeting set up to be beneficial for me. It was a good way for me to get the ball rolling and get sober...but I've since stopped going to the meetings. Not everyone agrees with me....but to each there own. I am still sober and still in contact with the friends I've made. AA is not for everyone, but there is still a way out of alcoholism. You have to find what works for you and go with it. There are lots of on-line support groups/communities. Knowing & admitting you have a problem is half the battle....now you have the power and the choice to change your life. I am so happy I did....and I can't tell you how many times my kids have told me that they are glad I stopped. They too knew what I was doing.

    I would suggest getting anti-depressants to help with that part as well. Good luck my dear!!

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  4. You might think you are hiding your problem from your kids, but unless they are very, very youg I expect they know exactly what's going on.
    You might think you feel happier drunk, but the reality is that it feeds depression ad make people act erratically.
    Stopping your daily wine habit can only improve your financial situation.
    Try again. Go back to AA. Find some other help. Quit drinking for 30 days and reevaluate if it's actually doing you any favours. I guarantee it isn't.
    Your kids would be supportive and helpful if you asked them. They are probably worried about you and their life.
    I think you need to step back and take an honest look at your situation.
    You can do it. There is real happiness available for you without alcohol.

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  5. You will hit rock bottom when you stop digging.
    You've taken the first step. Questioning your drinking is a good start. There's quite a few good blogs around and online groups to join. There is support all around you, you just have to accept that support.
    Take care
    Jo

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  6. I too was left in a bad situation, alone, and suffering from depression. Removing the alcohol made the "impossible" seem much more doable. My fear decreased and my confidence grew. Try saving your wine money for 30 days and replace it with a cheaper, healthier drink or treat. You'll feel better. I know it sounds hard but it gets easier after the first few days and life will look better. You can do it.

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  7. You are absolutely not alone … there are many of us out here struggling with the same thing. I drank a bottle or two of wine every night for years, it made me feel better and I thought no one noticed. Wrong. My children were ashamed of me. I, too, went to AA and didn't feel the love. I found another group, SMART recovery, and have been going to those meetings. something will work for you - please keep trying. There are lots of different AA meetings out there, and other support groups as well. Make this your rock bottom - tell yourself you have reached it and do whatever it takes to not pick up today. Reach out to Belle at Tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.com …. The money you will save on wine will ease the financial situation too …. If I can do it, you can too …. have faith in yourself, you are stronger than you know, and you are NOT alone

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  8. Christ Jesus can set you free. He did me! No withdraws just gone like that. Ask Him.

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  9. I always thought I was more "happier, relaxed and pleasant" after several drinks each night. My husband disagrees and thinks I am "stressed, easy to wind up, and unkind". So what we feel when drinking and what others notice about us don't always (or usually?) match up unfortunately. But how to start, how to get through those first few weeks?

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    Replies
    1. Get a calendar and just don't drink for one day. Mark it with a red crayon.
      Use a blue crayon when you do drink.
      Try not to drink as much if you do drink. Stop, eat something. Cut back.

      Eventually you will have a stretch of one day on and one day off, then you may have 2 days off and one day on. . . then you can work up to longer stretches. You wouldn't just run out and run a marathon suddenly.

      You may want to approach it like that so that you can look back at a couple weeks and say, HEY they aren't all blue days! I can make progress.

      It may not work for you to expect change overnight. Just a practical suggestion. Your body will start to heal and you will begin to see the contrast of feeling good w/drink and w/o drinking. Alcohol is poisonous. You have to retrain the brain.

      Hang in there !

      Delete
    2. That's a great suggestion for those who can't go cold turkey, however the trick is not to rationalize TOO much. This takes skill and balance .

      Delete
  10. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and alone and depressed. I know that feeling. There are other ways besides AA to get sober. Sober blogs, communities, forums, talking to your doctor, a trusted friend, sober support through a penpal. Reach out online. There are soooooo many amazing people here who get it. You don't have to feel alone. And it is scary but it gets better. And maybe try a different meeting or ask someone at the meeting to have coffee with you after and explain how you're feeling. They might have some insight for you. Ask for help. People are SO happy to give it. Why? Because we've all been there. We know how bad it is. And someone helped us when we couldn't. There is tons of love in these communitities and understanding. Even if you're not feeling loving or kind, that's OK. People understand and accept you and let you be you. It's an amazing feeling. I'm sending you loads of healing vibes my dear.

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  11. Please don't give up, I have been where you are!! I am also a mother of three children, and I now have 20 months of sobriety. I couldn't stop on my own though - I had to have a program and other women to lean on, and GOD. Apart from God I am nothing, when I try to live this life on my own I will fail. I must ask Him for direction!! Please try Celebrate Recovery. I love AA, and it got me in the doors of recovery. But Celebrate Recovery kept me in the rooms!! Let the love in those rooms fill your spirit and restore you, and know that God will use it all for good. Your past, these hard times, they are never wasted. But First Things First, sobriety is a must in order to move on. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean NOT on your own understanding. Just trust and get to a meeting!!

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  12. Yes, your story is my story. You are not alone.

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  13. Wow. I feel for you but know there is a way out, actually many ways. Keeping moving forward any way you know how and work through step 1 & 2 I'd say. Chin up. Start writing down your goals so at least you kinda know what direction to head in.

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  14. Wow. I feel for you but know there is a solution, really many ways. Trying to keep advancing any manner you know how and get through step 1 & 2 I'd say. Chin up. Commence listing your objectives so at the very least you kinda determine what route to head in. http://alcohol-depression.blogspot.com/

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  15. Your rock bottom is for you to choose, and the longer you delay it the lower it will be. Mine was waking up in the psych ward. Yours doesn't have to be that way. Please help yourself and embrace this wonderful opportunity sooner rather than later.

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  16. I also feel that I am so alone... nobody knows (except for my husband), that I am drinking so much. I have 3 children (7, 4 and 1 year old), I suffer from depression, panic syndrome, and nowadays I don't even feel that I am the right person to raise my children. I never hurt them, I am funny and loveable mother when I drink, but I dont know how they feel about this... they can make a difference somehow, and the eldest one says: "sometimes you are so different... funny but frightening....) I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel...

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  17. I have struggled and struggled with this. I cannot seem to stick with it. I have finally decided to write my story in hopes that getting it out there will give me the freedom I need. You can read my first post at www.thebottleatemyhomework.com.

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  18. know that you are not alone. just pick up the pieces little by little. im right there with you. stay strong.

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  19. Your kids must’ve already came to know that you’re a drunkard. No need to have an impression that they don’t. May be its because of Loneliness that you’ve tempted since long, the reason behind your condition now. It is very easy to bend towards alcohol and hard indeed to come back on track alone. Good luck on your journey.

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  20. If it's any consolation I stopped drinking before I hit rock bottom. I stopped drinking almost in the middle of my usual life of struggling with drink.......Maybe you'll wake up tomorrow and it will be The Day for you. I hope you're okay.

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  21. .....also, I never contemplated going to AA and I'm sure I would not fit in at meetings. I read a book called Rational Recovery which really spoke to me because it's written by an ex drinker whom I felt could see right inside my soul and I couldn't hide anything from him. And he is brutally honest and I really needed that.

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  22. Rock bottom was jail for me. Public intoxication. I hope none of you get that far.

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  23. Searching for rock bottom. Now thats extreme. I guess it just happens. I wish you well. Grant

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  26. Hi, Hope things have improved for you in the past months. I have been a single parent as well and it can be hard at times, but looking back it was the most rewarding time of my life , raising my daughter.
    You do not have to hit rock bottom before you make a change to get help and not drink. Start with getting a referral for some pyschology councelling, join some groups to make friends so you dont isolate yourself. Get a part time job. You know drinking is a distraction from life. When I dont drink at all I have more energy and time to do things, my mind is clear, I am less stressed and calmer.It is a choice to not drink but you may need help to make that choice and to deal with the issues in your life that cause you to drink. Good luck. Life is better without alcohol.

    ReplyDelete
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