Thursday, June 5, 2014

CRAWLING OUT FROM MY BELOVED BOTTLE....

*** - submitted by Anonymous

My life, as I know it will never be the same.  I am trying to put on my usual perky, happy face for the world but inside I am a complete jumble. I just finished reading  "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston.  While I have known for some time that I have problems with alcohol, this book made me confront them. yet oddly comforted me to realize I am not alone.  My abuse of alcohol was not merely "genetic predisposition" or me having no self control.....my use of alcohol to comfort and sustain me stems from many issues in my life. 

I am 47 years old.  Growing up was tough - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self esteem and overweight, unpopular me was left to fend for myself most of the time.  Emotionally, I was completely independent.  Oddly, I never drank in high school however I attended university at a prestigious school which prided itself on its academics....and students prided themselves on their ability to party.  And so began my journey into binge drinking and subsequent bad behavior - ranging from black outs, to horrendous hangovers to inappropriate sexual activities. I figured the only way for a fat girl to have a sexual encounter was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys. I woke up one morning, naked in bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I think back and it is truly a wonder I didn't get seriously injured, end up in a hospital or drunk tank or pregnant.  Life progressed on - I became a registered nurse, obtained a masters degree and dated a nice fellow.  We drank wine on weekends when we were together and occasionally during the week I would purchase a bottle for myself.  Fast forward...marriage, .two pregnancies, both during which I completely abstained, and did not miss it.  But then as life went on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed out, workaholic husband with anger issues.....wine on weekends became wine Thursday-Sunday.  My husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own" so we had cases and cases of wine...and soon a nightly ritual to crack one or two.... Secretly, I began mixing my own cocktails and keeping the glass hidden in my baking cupboard.  As soon as I get home - and face the household mess, getting supper, trying to get ADHD boy to focus on homework while prying the other one off of his ipod.....I can only think about mixing that drink....which I keep refilling until eventually I fall asleep or pass out.  In the mornings, first thing I do is check my i-phone to see whom I may have inadvertently texted while drunk. 

But there is more - two years ago I became involved in a very intense emotional affair with one of my son's friend's fathers.  The relationship never got physical (other then a few hugs and standing very close at sporting events) but if any of you have read about (or experienced) and emotional affair, the impact can be just as dramatic and intense, if not more so then a physical relationship.  I was on cloud nine - every time my phone indicated a message...oh the rush of feelings.  Often we chatted late into the night, sometimes in the middle of the night, while we were at work..I was happier then I had ever been.  The relationship was getting perilously close to crossing the sexual line and he pulled back.  I have been devastated and grieving this loss....and the drinking increased.  My cocktails soothed me.  Helped the pain..

I am so ashamed as I look back over my life.  The drunken episodes.....getting totally hammered last Christmas at a cocktail party.  Wasted at my sister's 50th birthday.  Ranting messages on my iphone.  Screaming fits in front of my kids.  Punching my husband in the face.  A total shrieking fight one night when my son had a friend sleeping over......

I am in counselling which has been an epiphany.....plus reading Ann's book and now discovering this website and reading similar stories.  I feel like I am coming home.

This is also going to be the first day of the rest of my life....In a strange way, I am looking forward to this journey......

19 comments:

  1. The journey is rocky but it does get better! I'm not that far myself but every day certainly is better than the last. Sending you lots of good thoughts! YOU can do this!

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  2. Had to comment since I can totally relate to the "intense emotional affair" story. Mine was long distance and involved an old flame. It started right around the time my drinking was ramping up and of course my drinking escalated right along with it. So glad that is over! Moving on feels great. I still have pangs at times and when I do I email him occasionally just to check in, but it is more of keeping up with old friends chemistry now. Interestingly the longer I'm sober the less I feel the need to "check in" though. Almost as if that relationship was a bit of a drug I was addicted to also. Best wishes! You can do it! Baby yourself and eventually work on rebuilding the fire with your husband, if that is possible. (it was for me) I'm on Day 80 sober, and feeling so much better.

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  3. FYI - this is my story and I am so proud to report that as of today I am 174 days sober! I wrote this when I first realized that I indeed had a problem with alcohol. I made a brief attempt at quitting after I wrote this then I felt I was one of those people who could "moderate" my drinking. That lasted about a day and I was right back in the bottom of the Absolut bottle. On Monday, December 16 I finally hit rock bottom and decided I could not take another moment of living as I was. It has been a hard journey at times but one well worth taking. I owe the bulk of my success as a sober woman to the love and support from the BFB Facebook group. I can't believe how much better my life is....and, this past 6 months my family has endured some terrible stress....I cannot imagine how I would have coped had I still been drinking. Everyday I am so filled with gratitude that I found my way to sobriety.

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  4. Thank you for sharing your story! I am only 76 days into AA and my sobriety and hearing from other women helps so SO much. Thanks!

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  5. You're brave to share your story. Today is my "Day 1" after years of relapse. I'm looking forward to a new, sober life. I have hope for us both. God bless.

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  6. I got out of treatment early February and blew it with 2 relapses, one when great new bf broke up with me and one on the anniversary of my dads death. Wasn't eating, total binges and needed to go to hospital for dehydration. Emotional triggers since I cant seem to cope with life now! I am always shocked how no one seems to need to detox at all when I read the stories. Anyway good luck to all of us because this is clearly life long.

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  7. I am 37 years old mother of twin boy and girl and two girls...I dont know where to being ...I have been drinking since I was 15/16 washing away being molested since 4yrs old and the feeling of being alone not feeling loved and disgusted with myself for being such a weak minded person. ...I must have thought these feeling would go away but here I am still drinking away my past and present issues... My - well what should have been my rock bottom was New Years Of 2014 ...I went out with some co workers stayed out entirely longer than anticipated cause I wanted to turn over a new leaf.. Well that did not happened ended up getting wasted and ask my co worker to take me home, she was not ready so I angrily stumbled home noticed I went to far so decided to jump over a fence and on the way down landed well my left leg landed in a pot hole I tore my ACL and Meniscus ....not only that stayed outside till the next morning because I could not walk, until I was rescued by police officers who had called my parents to rush me to the hospital, where I was put on a entire leg brace and crutches. Soooo Embarassing.. I was on bed rest for 3/4 months until the swelling went down then surgery which took another 5/6 months so all this time I'm in bed I still had my bottle of Vodka next to me. I am still recovering from.my injury and was still drinking till about 4 days ago ... I am ready to change my life and become a better person for my kids mother sister and my partner of 8 yrs ....I am glad to wake up and remember what I have done the night before or said and not feel bad..... I Have always hid my feelings but not anymore its all coming out so I don't have to drink to hide them.anymore... every pain hurt STRESS my past being molested not feeling loved I drank It away ..I cant do that anymore I have to deal with everything that is good or bad SOBER and I pray I can go on like this for the duration...Thank you for Listening

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    Replies
    1. Well done lovely. We fight the same fight!

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  8. It's helpful to read memoirs while working your way through a journey toward sobriety. There are many guilty feelings that come along with developing the strength and tools needed to step forward and become sober.

    Blackout by Sarah Hepola is an excellent treatise that deals with the issues specific to being a female alcoholic. Too often female drinkers become vulnerable, but this drunken vulnerability almost becomes a part of your identity as an addict. If you haven't read Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp, I would recommend that to you as well.

    There are many ways that women can come together and attain sobriety. Learning mindfulness is a great strategy toward learning about your personal addiction. Everyone is different.

    I think you might appreciate this article about using yoga in recovery:

    http://www.youresomebodysmother.com/2016/05/18/pro-yoga/

    Be well.

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  18. Thank you for your miracle Doctor Osemu Okpamen

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