Today is the first day I have ever decided to finally look into alcoholism. I stumbled across CON and after reading so many entries I have a million emotions going through my head. SO MANY stories sounded like my own.
I have been drinking since 14. My group of friends were wild and crazy. We would get rides from complete strangers....even hiding in the trunks of their cars, so they could buy us beer. My tolerance was always very high and I always beamed when the guys said I could out drink almost anyone! As I got older, I always worked my butt off, and partied on the weekends with an occasional bar scene during the week.
Fast forward a decade...met my husband and had my first child. When my baby was 6 months that's when things changed. My stepchild (who was 10) was sent to live with us after his mom decided she was done being a mother. Straight up and left him. I had no idea the hatred he would have towards me from day one given his abandonment issues. The lies, manipulation and nonstop rude mouth took its toll on me. I started drinking more to numb myself.
After losing not one but 2 homes, it increased a bit more. After having my second child, I started right back up.
The final blow was 3 years ago...my brother committed suicide by putting a gun in his mouth. I was the first to find him....he had been upset about something....never in his life suicidal. It was completely unexpected. To say I felt an insane amount of grief and my world was rocked is quite the understatement. It nearly destroyed me and I relied heavily on drinking for a good 2 years.
I could write a novel now....but what has brought me here today is how I am viewing myself. I look at my kids and realize they miss out on things because mommy needs her beer by 5. And once I start I don't drive, so they are stuck. I have also hurt myself numerous times since the age of 15....& the straw that broke the camel’s back was 4 days ago. Everyone was in bed and I was simply enjoying my drink and a movie (so normal right??). I got up and tripped over the dog. In my buzzed state and trying not to hurt the dog, I turned and landed on my neck and back. I felt something break...heard the horrible crack. The pain was and still is extremely painful. Unfortunately, no insurance.
So here I am. It is 5 and I'm dying for a drink. My mouth is watering and my heart is starting to race. The thought of even silently admitting I'm an alcoholic freaks me out horribly. All I've known is to drink. Anytime I am with friends we drink. My husband and family are all binge drinkers. The thought of never drinking again is horrible to me. How can I not have my beer with extra lime at a bbq or while making salsa? I have always said the second the scent of lime or cilantro hit my nose I want a beer. My crutch is drinking. It scares me to not drink.
I know my kids deserve better.
I just don't know where to start except to pray. God will get me through this. All prayers are appreciated.