Friday, September 20, 2013

How Do I Just STOP?

***Submitted by Anonymous

Oh my god how, HOW do I stop.

Every morning I think "I am not going to have a wine tonight", I reinforce this to myself several times through the day, I think about how I don't want to be a woman who drinks, I think about how I want to feel well and present for my children the next day and how I have things I want to get done after 6pm.  

I think this all the way through to around 4.30pm and then I think "god, id love a wine".. and then I argue with myself about whether or not I am going to have one for another hour or so…and then pour myself a wine.

Sometimes I only have one.  Usually I have two or three or four… sometimes I drink everything in the house.  On those days I don't remember what finally makes me stop, I don't remember anything the next day and have to try and piece my evening together from the physical clues.  Where am I. What is the vomit on.

My husband has had to clean up vomit from the carpet.  from the bed.  from the toilet.

I have lost control in a drunken collapse in front of friends and in front of strangers.

I don't always drink that way - but sometimes I do and I never know when I am going to.

Sometimes I only have one, or two or three. I keep asking people, and they keep telling me they don't think I have a problem... but I know that I do.

I have googled how to stop drinking, I have been to see an alcohol counselor.

I think about stopping every single day.  But don't.


Monday, September 9, 2013

I Know I Should But I Don't Want To

***Submitted by Anonymous

I finally realized last week that I'm an alcoholic.

Since I'm in nursing school, and have had the summer off (to get drunk) I decided to get my drinking in check.

But when I stopped drinking I got sick. At first I thought it was a hangover. I even googled it to make sure.

But I should have known better. I've been here before.

 But last time I didn't believe it. I had a very bad drinking problem. The kind where you black out, run into walls, get carpet burns, and drive drunk with your child.

I was committed to a hospital after that. Then when I saw my doctor I was confident that when I quit drinking it wasn't alcohol withdrawal, it was anxiety.

He told me differently. Now this time I recognize the withdrawal.

I cut back and within 2 days I was irritable, hands shaking, and nauseous. Then I had a drink. Instant relief.

I know that I'm a drunk now, but I'm not as bad a before. I learned my limits. I don't drink and drive. I don't black out when I can't.

I'm struggling with the idea of quitting. I know I should but I don't want to.

Monday, September 2, 2013

I Want Me Back

***Submitted by Anonymous:

I have been up most of the night reading the posts on this blog.  I found the blog by googling something like "alcoholic moms."  

I am 38, separated, I have two amazing kids (3 year old twins) and a fantastic career.  I have struggled with alcohol since I started drinking at 16.  My dad is an alcoholic, saw it in me and sent me to AA when I was 19.  I stayed sober for 5 years.  

I have struggled with all sorts of other things - relationships, marriage, work - but I want to keep this post about...well about being real and saying it - I am an alcoholic.  I started drinking again when I was 24, quit when I was pregnant and the last 18 months have been utterly insane, culminating in a DUI last year and most recently bender that I went on this past weekend and ending up with me on the floor, bruised, scratched and emotionally shattered after 2 days worth of blackouts.

From an objective view, the cycle is fascinating.  Drink, get drunk, harm yourself and others - and what - you want to do it all over again??  I am so sick of myself and the excuses - high powered career, kids, my mom moved in with me, etc. etc. drinking was a way for me to relieve the pressure when my ex took the kids.  

I could have died this weekend.  I have broken my wrist when drunk, fell and gotten a concussion, got arrested, pick fights with friends and have generally checked out of my life.  I literally treat every day as an exercise in triage - what do I have to do to survive and then I think about when I can have a drink. 

I don't have a life outside of work, kids and drinking - my circle of friends are alcoholic as well and we completely enable each other.  I need to find different ways to relieve the pressure that does not include self destruction. 

There are any number of reasons for why I drink - none of them are good.  The part that really makes  me sick is that the world is full of people just as damaged as me or more or less - who am I to be so selfish and self medicate to extremes?

I want my life, I want me back, I want to be present for my kids, I want to be present for myself.   

Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I get to make it whatever I want - and it starts with me not drinking. 

I am scared of the emotions that are waiting for me - shame, guilt, embarrassment - but I am honestly afraid if I keep drinking, I will lose everything including my life.  

My kids are still sleeping and so is my mom - I am going to pack their lunch, get ready for work (which includes applying copious amounts of cover-up on the gash on my forehead from falling this weekend) and try to make this the best day I have had in a long time.  

Day 1, here I come.