I am a 37 year old women, with a gorgeous, mischievous 12 year old daughter. We live with my partner of three years (whom I love and adore) and his two younger daughters (whom I love and adore) also live with us for 4 days a week.I had my first drink when I was 14 years old, it ended in me completely blacking out and not remembering much about it except projectile vomiting down a staircase. In these teenage years I was a binge drinker, all my friends were doing it - it was the "norm", the cool thing to do on a Friday and Sat night. This continued right through my years at university - binge drinking, often blacking out, causing chaos to my soul - resulting in me taking several unsuccessful attempts to end my own life.
After completing my degree and becoming a qualified health professional, when I was 25 I had my beautiful daughter - when she was 6 months old I left her father who had become physically abusive towards me. I became a single full time working mother. My drinking was controlled to a point - I wouldn't drink everyday, maybe once a week,but almost always to the point I would black out, not remember things - my family and friends would love to relive my every embarrassing actions to me.
Every time I drank I would wake up with a feeling of complete doom. It is almost too hard for me to even write about the feelings I would wake up with the next morning, the anxiety, the absolute self-hatred I cant explain. At this time anyway. I managed to hold down a great job, I was very passionate about, and care and love for my daughter. Because of the self-loathing and loneliness, once my daughter was in bed I started drinking alone at night. I thought it helped stop the terrible thoughts in my mind, it helped give me the courage to ring friends and chat - like i was a happy bubbly confident person, it helped me feel like I was "worth loving".....until of course the next morning. And so the spiral began.
Throughout this time I had several serious relationships and this is hard for me to admit but I have to be honest to myself and I know they basically ended because of my drinking - my self-sabotage - my feeling I didn't deserve to be loved.
Two years ago I broke every bone in my ankle and spent two weeks in hospital - I slipped over when i had been drinking. I remember crawling across the lounge floor to get to the phone to call an ambulance, because even though I was drunk as a skunk, the pain was indescribable. I waited hours and hours for the ambulance. I should've rung my family - but I didn't want them to know I'd been drinking and I didn't want their disappointed faces in my mind. I also remember many many mornings especially in the last 6 months waking up with bruises and cuts etc, etc due to my drinking binges and me falling over or walking into an open cupboard and on and on it goes. I have also battled depression anxiety over the last 15 years.
Anyway I could write pages and pages and pages about my drinking, but I won't.
Last year I was caught driving under the influence, it was the only time I'd ever done it and lost my license for eight months. I hate myself for this and continued to punish myself for this by continuing to drink. Sounds stupid and weak and pathetic doesn't it. Due to losing my license I lost my job ( which I was good at and very passionate about). I was never a person that had a drink everyday, or in the mornings, and there were times when my partner and I had a few drinks and had enjoyable times. But the bad times outweighed the good times, and I don't like how it makes me feel about myself, how I wake up hating myself. I know it sounds dramatic, but it is destroying my soul and I want to be sober, I never want to drink again because I want the opportunity to begin to forgive myself, to love myself, to be the best mad, happy, crazy, sober person I can be for me, for my daughter, for my partner and for my Mum and Dad.
Anyway sorry for rambling - Today I am 5 days sober.
Thank you for listening and any advice, information, words you have to offer will be greatly appreciated and absorbed with much anticipation and love.