Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Older Mom With Young Kids Looking for Help

***Submitted by Anonymous

I am 53 years old.  I love this site. I have been on and off it since reading about it in Redbook a few years ago.

I am the mother of a 15 year old daughter, and 4 ¾ year old twin boys.  All same husband.  The boys came along after many years of me getting pregnant, and always succumbing to miscarriage.

Now, here I am. 

I have these boys…  I love them dearly, but I am so old, I feel, that I cannot do them justice.  I am not into  this.   I drink to take away the  day to day craziness.  All my friends have kids in high school or college. 

Please help!!  Is anyone  out there in my shoes???

Friday, February 22, 2013

I Am Always Scared

***Submitted by Anonymous
I decided this morning that I must make a change in my life before something bad happens.  
I have an awesome husband who would do anything for me and three perfect children who want nothing more than to be with me and I am screwing it all up because I drink way too much.  
I have always loved to drink since college but I always binge drink.  
When I was doing this with my friends I never thought much about it being a problem, even still when we get together we all drink too much.  
I cut down in my thirties but as soon as I had kids after each one was born I was right back on the booze and with each one it became so much worse.  
Since the last one came along I have steadily become a daily drinker and within the past few months it is quite scary.  I know my husband knows it is a problem but it is like he doesn't want to say anything to me about it.  
I am always scared that I have ruined my health but more importantly my relationship with my kids. 
I work out daily, I run marathons, I am involved in all of the kids activities but as soon as we are home safely I start drinking immediately to "cope"  but the weird thing is that all my life I wanted to be married and have kids so now why do I have to drink to "cope"???    
I am stopping today or I am afraid I will not be around to see my kids grow up.
I just can't do this anymore it is too exhausting to get up each day and face myself in the mirror with shame and guilt and I know my kids know even though they are young

Monday, February 18, 2013

Myself Not Myself

*** Submitted by Anonymous, who blogs at Why Dry? 
It hit me the other day that I've just wondered one too many times whether or not I 'have a problem'. I've told myself that my husband and I are 'normal drinkers' who just happen to drink every day - wine with dinner, cocktails when we go out, etc. The problem is I've noticed that I've been drinking more wine with dinner, before dinner, after dinner. It just takes more for me to get to that ideal 'sweet spot'. Or in other words, my idea 'high'…. yea, sounds like an addict talking, right?

I've spent the last year monitoring my drinking - literally counting days I don't drink at all, self-monitoring the days I do using an app. The problem is that the nature of alcohol is to remove your internal check, your sense of limitation…that is kind of the point, right? So, I would always end up having that one extra glass of wine, even if it left me with a terrible headaches the next day. With those extra glasses came me falling asleep on the sofa while watching a movie with my husband, or just 'not remembering' parts of the night before, even when I seemed totally fine then. Yea, that's called blacking out. I even did this once while having sex with my husband….THAT'S BAD! 

I come from a family of alcoholics - some are sober, some are not. It's a truly horrible and maddeningly cruel disease. I orchestrated an intervention to get my sister into rehab, so I spent a lot of time researching the nature of the disease, how to do this, where it will take you. The nature of the alcohol as a drug is to make you think you are in control, yet you increasingly want more and more. It is progressive - and if you progress it is fatal. I know these things.

Why would I even be drinking then, in the first place? Well, like many people, I've been telling myself that I somehow fit into the normal, non-diseased category of alcohol consumption. I really only drink with dinner, drink sophisticated drinks, it's all very social and wonderful. Yet for as much as this is true, it is also not true. I've been noticing  those tell-tale signs that I'm in a downward spiral: I started getting drunk, I get hangovers, I anticipate my next drink, I try (and fail) to moderate, I get crabby pretty much all the time, I can't remember, I regret, I start feeling like shit but fell scared to stop.

So, a week ago I'm hungover, trying to get my daughter out of the house when she has a meltdown about putting on her shoes. She's five. Like the scene from Alien, I erupt like a sequence of monsters coming out of me and scream at her. At that moment I feel myself not myself, I can see this as a moment and I see her face. It's horrible. Why am I screaming like a monster at the person I love most in the world? There really is no answer, but I know inside I've been feeding a monster which is changing me, trapping me, keeping me hostage. I decide later that day to stop drinking. I've since been blogging my experience. So far so good.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

A Mother Asks For Help

***Submitted by Anonymous

I drink wine every night.  I get box wine so I don't know how much I drink.  But I think it's at least a bottle each night.

Half the time I don't remember going to bed.  And wake up in my clothes.  I'm in yesterday's clothes right now.
I never drink and drive. I don't go to bars.  I have a job that I never call in sick to.
But I've been altered in front of my child who is now 12.  And I've done things to disappoint my family and me.
When I look in the mirror my eyes are glassy and I have dark circles under my eyes. I don't like what I see.
A couple times a night I drink a lot of water.  In the morning I often have 2-3 glasses of water on my nightstand.  In the morning I feel slightly dizzy to very dizzy.  Most mornings my mind runs like a broken record that I want to not drink.  Then by the afternoon I feel ok.  Then at the stroke of 5:00 the bar is open. 
I try to wait till my husband comes home at 5:30 for my first glass.
My husband drinks too.  Similar to me except he can stay awake longer.  He cooked our child dinner last night.  I've talked to my husband about us both quitting drinking but he doesn't want to.  It's working out fine for him.
The thing I really want to hang my hat on at the end of the day is that I am a good mother and am raising my child my very best.  Drinking this much does not jibe with this at all.  Especially with my child on the verge of teenage-hood, when I started drinking, it would break my heart if I contributed to my child having an alcohol or drug problem.
5 months ago I was sober for 2 days.  I had a slight headache but certainly no DT's or anything so I assume I'm not physically addicted.  I had a physical 6 months ago and the doctor asked as if speed reading "Do you have any issues, alcoholism-drug addiction-smoking-etc ?"  And I of course I said no.  Then he went on to talk about taking Calcium and a low dose aspirin etc.  I passed the urine sample so I must be within normal limits I guess.
I can't imagine going to AA.  How anonymous is going into a room and showing my face?  What if later they see me at the grocery store or at a soccer game or at church?
I appreciate this place to ask for help.  I think I'm going to need some face-to-face help also to be successful.  The idea of me not drinking anymore seems impossible to me. I'll need to quit with alcohol in the house since my husband is not on board with me.
My insurance would cover me going to a therapist/addiction counselor.  I made an appointment but cancelled.  Do you recommend I go to a therapist/addiction counselor?  
So I'd like to ask what you recommend for me as a first step.