I am deeply sad and sometimes I feel hopeless too. The rest of time I am just cynical and I can barely believe in change. I am the daughter of an addict who wasn't violent, wasn't of outrageous behavior, but on the contrary … she was an angel for me. She was so gentle. So full of love and kindness that I used to think during my childhood that I could actually see her gentleness and kindness. It was like an aura - in her hands, her voice, and in her face. I still find her unique, but she doesn't even resemble the woman who is the mother I remember.
She has been in active addiction for 20 years now. I see that she is choosing her addiction. She is numbed most of the days in a week. She gets furious without reason. What hurts the most is that she doesn’t seem to care about the fact that she is slipping deeper into this vicious illness. I feel she just wants to stay with her drink. She does not care if we are around, if we are happy or sad, if we want her to stop, if we have a life to live and want to share it with her. I just can’t believe that I am losing her, but I am.
And there is me: I feel so impotent. I can’t speak about this with her although I would like to. I have to try to rescue her but I’m paralyzed. It’s like a trauma that will not allow me to speak. I think the fact that I have these two pictures of my mother – her being a perfect parent (that she truly is and was), gentle, sweet, kind. My addicted mother: not caring, choosing a life without us, a numbed life. I am caught between these two pictures - and I can’t act to help her. I can’t talk to her about her addiction when she is lucid because it feels like I would hurt her, I would offend her and she is so different when she doesn’t drink.
I want my mother back in my life but I feel her so far away and I don’t have the power to go get her …