***Submitted by Anonymous:
I have been up most of the night reading the posts on this blog. I found the blog by googling something like "alcoholic moms."
I am 38, separated, I have two amazing kids (3 year old twins) and a fantastic career. I have struggled with alcohol since I started drinking at 16. My dad is an alcoholic, saw it in me and sent me to AA when I was 19. I stayed sober for 5 years.
I have struggled with all sorts of other things - relationships, marriage, work - but I want to keep this post about...well about being real and saying it - I am an alcoholic. I started drinking again when I was 24, quit when I was pregnant and the last 18 months have been utterly insane, culminating in a DUI last year and most recently bender that I went on this past weekend and ending up with me on the floor, bruised, scratched and emotionally shattered after 2 days worth of blackouts.
From an objective view, the cycle is fascinating. Drink, get drunk, harm yourself and others - and what - you want to do it all over again?? I am so sick of myself and the excuses - high powered career, kids, my mom moved in with me, etc. etc. drinking was a way for me to relieve the pressure when my ex took the kids.
I could have died this weekend. I have broken my wrist when drunk, fell and gotten a concussion, got arrested, pick fights with friends and have generally checked out of my life. I literally treat every day as an exercise in triage - what do I have to do to survive and then I think about when I can have a drink.
I don't have a life outside of work, kids and drinking - my circle of friends are alcoholic as well and we completely enable each other. I need to find different ways to relieve the pressure that does not include self destruction.
There are any number of reasons for why I drink - none of them are good. The part that really makes me sick is that the world is full of people just as damaged as me or more or less - who am I to be so selfish and self medicate to extremes?
I want my life, I want me back, I want to be present for my kids, I want to be present for myself.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I get to make it whatever I want - and it starts with me not drinking.
I am scared of the emotions that are waiting for me - shame, guilt, embarrassment - but I am honestly afraid if I keep drinking, I will lose everything including my life.
My kids are still sleeping and so is my mom - I am going to pack their lunch, get ready for work (which includes applying copious amounts of cover-up on the gash on my forehead from falling this weekend) and try to make this the best day I have had in a long time.
Day 1, here I come.