Sunday, August 18, 2013

Spinning Wheels

***Submitted by Anonymous

 I feel like I am spinning wheels, stuck in the same vicious cycle. 
 
I feel like I have ruined yet another summer  for my kids because I am hung over 4 days a week at least and on those days I have no patience. I raise my voice and I do not feel like going anywhere or doing anything.  
 
You know it is sad when your 7 year old son asks you not to drink anymore!!!  
 
I have so much going for me, a successful business that allows me to work from home around my family, I go to a great church, my kids are in private school and we are all healthy and happy.  So what is my problem?  
 
Most evenings I feel like I am forcing myself to drink almost against my will and the reason is that it seems like a good place to escape after a long day at home.  
 
During the summer my drinking is always worse because I feel like I have not a minute to myself .  A lot of mothers joke about drinking and drinking a lot but I am no longer seeing the humor in it at all!!
 
The only days that I like myself anymore are the ones when I wake up and realize that I did not drink the night before and on those days I am the best mom, wife and the best me.  I feel like I can achieve all of my dreams on those days, so why do I drink that night and ruin that feeling??  
 
I run marathons and work out 6 days a week and it seems that all I am doing is burning off the booze and all the hard work is wasted.  
 
I practically starve myself to save up the calories..how sick is that.  One of my kids the other day asked me why I never eat (when we were at the table for dinner)  and I just looked into those sweet eyes and thought " Dear God what kind of example am I setting"?  I was actually ashamed of myself.
 
I simply am not drinking anymore. I do not want to be such a poor example for my children and I want my husband to be proud of the person that I know that I am.

9 comments:

  1. Aside from career specifics and extracurricular activities, you have just described my drinking life and the affects it had on my family.

    I decided to quit in March 2011, and have relapsed twice since then. In March last year, Children & Youth showed up at my door because my children started to talk about how mean Mommy was. In April of last year, my ex husband took custody of my two boys and I was fired from my job. I quit drinking again.

    Since then, my husband has moved out with our daughter and I only see my kids every other weekend, which is as often as they get to see each other too.

    During my 16 months of sobriety, I've been diagnosed as a Borderline Personality and have undergone intense therapy. I now have the tools I need to succeed in my sobriety and motherhood. My children aren't afraid of me anymore... they respect me more... And are showered with the love they deserve and I can manage.

    Not all has fared as well in the past 16 months... I have found a great job and I've even been promoted. But I did also just receive divorce papers from my husband as he just can't muster the faith he needs to risk continuing our marriage.

    I tell you this so you can see what is possible at the hands of this addiction. Free yourself... free your family from it's grips too... You wouldn't hesitate if they were in the grips of some other form of imminent danger, you would protect them, save them. But you cannot do so if you are also chained.

    Free yourself and save them.

    XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  2. welcome,
    While only you can diagnose your symptoms it would appear you abuse alcohol.
    I was you - director of the Board of Ed at church, mom of four, kids attending parochial schools, and well respected by others.

    And oh the work and effort that took!!! Meanwhile I was closet drinking and crumbling apart inside. Because of the aforementioned characteristics, I was sure I could not be an "alcoholic" -

    Full circle, my fourth child entered all day school and I began losing my sense of identity. Drinking escalated even more and I lost my marriage, respect at church, and most significantly my own self-respect.

    Ten years, and two in-patient treatment programs, later I know absolutely that I am an alcoholic. I am unable to drink like a normy. I ceased trying to solve the riddles I entertained for "why" I drank. The answer is so simple, just as the 12-step program is so simple - I'm an alcoholic. I drink and when I drink its too much and consequently I suffer negative consequences.

    Took me decades to get there, but, by the Grace of God, I have. Today I am a licensed drug and alcohol counselor. You are at that "questioning" stage gathering facts and information. Save yourself the research, get help with your terrific decision to stop. I have never met anyone who could do it alone. . its a we thing. Please keep reaching out. You are SO not alone

    ReplyDelete
  3. Congrats on quitting. I am so proud of you for that decision. Going it alone is difficult-not impossible but harder than with the kind of support that is available today. This and many other blogs, 12-steps and non-12 steps, online support groups, doctor's offices often have groups of this type, local churches perhaps... us here.

    You can do it, we're with you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Read Sober Mercies by Heather Kopp ... the story of a Christian drunk ... and read her blog too. You are not alone and by God's grace and a 12 step program I live happy, joyous and free. Do I ever look enviously at normies drinking ... yes I do, particularly in summer as I live in a resort community, but I would do it anywhere, that is the baffling part of my disease. It talks to me in my thoughts, telling me I am well, that I don't even have it and tries to convince me that "one will not hurt". I too wanted to do it alone, I couldn't and today I know I must stay in a community of like minded folks with a common bond to live life on life's terms without alcohol. Good luck and come back here. It is your story tonight that reminds me of the gift of sobriety I have been freely given.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Good to read your story, thanks for sharing it here. Just wanted to chime in and say that I understand all those feelings you're having... Yeah, the decision to quit drinking is a very good decision, but I found a hard decision to stick to without help, like Dawn mentioned above. I've been sober in AA for 10 1/2 months now, and that is really working for me. It helped me to stop drinking, and more than that, it's teaching me how to live my life in such a way that I don't need alcohol. It's really been a positive change for me and I'm enjoying the program and the fellowship of AA so much. You can google AA to find meetings in your area. When I was first getting sober I heard something about problem drinking/alcoholism that made a lot of sense and helped me quit. I heard that it's like being on an elevator that only goes in one direction: down. That is to say that alcoholism is a progressive disease; you don't get better or coast where you're at, it only gets worse. The good news is, you can get off that elevator at any time, it's your choice. You don't have to wind up on skid row in order to hit rock bottom; your bottom is just where you decided to stop digging, if that makes sense. I'm happily married, beautiful house, marathon runner, blah blah blah... I did almost all my drinking alone at home. Nobody, not even my husband, suspected I had a problem, but I knew deep down that something was wrong, and I had for a long time... When I decided to get sober and join AA, everyone was really surprised, but so what? I had had enough. I didn't want to lose any of these wonderful things in my life, but more than that, I was just sooo tired of feeling the way I'd been feeling for so long, and I just knew I didn't have it in me to control my drinking anymore, I didn't even want to try, I finally just gave up and went to AA. What a HUGE blessing it is in my life, I am SO grateful to be sober and in recovery. You can do it, too... You don't have to keep going if you don't want to. We're here for you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Thank you so much for sharing what you're going through. It brings me directly back to where I was a couple of years ago. Hearing/remembering what it's like helps me stay sober today.

    With work, family, etc. I felt like I needed alcohol to "check out" and if anyone had what I had going on they would drink too. This group kept telling me to go to a meeting and I did NOT want AA!!! It took me going down (which is the only direction this disease goes) much further to finally surrender and try anything. For me that meant AA. Now meetings are what I do to "check out" and they are more rewarding than anything else I did in the past to escape and get some me time.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I wish you so much luck. Its easy to say you are going to quit and much harder to stick to it for me. With your background of discipline in exercise and work ethic, you sound like you will do it. It amazes me that my promises to myself are the ones I allow myself to break, I wouldn't break anyone else's promises but I do break my own almost everytime I make one. You sound stronger than that.

    I didn't really start drinking until my child was about 11 and he used to ask me constantly to quit. It is heartbreaking to hear but even more that I don't listen to him. He hasn't asked for a long time, I guess he's given up, not that I fault him for that, its just so sad.

    I have good days too, the days I wake up feeling great because I didn't drink the night before. Let me tell you those days are such a celebration, so much so that I usually end up "celebrating". Its like I'm on a high and so proud of myself and my reward for doing so good is drinking and usually its way more than I would normally drink.

    Keep us updated.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Come join us on Team 100! It's taking 100 days off from drinking and then deciding what you want to do. It worked for me! http://tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking.wordpress.com/

    ReplyDelete
  9. Your's is a powerful and all-to-common story. It seems like there is so much of the "I just need to relax and unwind with a glass of wine" in the mommy culture these days, and it's just not true. WHY do we need a glass of wine? I love my glass of tea now. But I didn't always. There is such an unfortunate glorification of alcohol these days. Stay strong, and know that you are making the best choice for everyone involved, yourself included!

    ReplyDelete