Sunday, August 4, 2013

Married to Drinking Partner - Trying To Get Sober Again

***Submitted by Anonymous

Day 1 after yet another hang over day, so it could really be day 2.  But I can't count it as that, I usually don't drink the day after I drink too much I am far too sick to even think about it.

I am 49 years old, married (to my best friend and drinking partner), no children of my own, but two lovely grown up step daughters and 3 grandchildren.

 I am a business owner which is just as well as I would surely be fired due to the number of "sick" days I take off work.  I really don't want to face the reality, but the reality is that at least 2 days out of 5 I am out of commission due to hangovers.

 If I just about manage to drink not quite as much and make it to work...but oh so fuzzy...can't concentrate or do my job effectively.  Then of course I drink again that night...and so the roller coaster goes.....I desperately want to get off this roller coaster.

This state of affairs did not happen overnight.  My husband and I were both sober and in AA when we married over 16 years ago.  2 years completely sober and about 5 years of mostly sober.  Then came the wine in cooking...and then the wine in a glass...then back on the rum and it has been 15 years (really is it that long?) with some very brief times of "we just can't do this anymore".  We encourage each other to stop...then we encourage each other to start again.  He wants to go to AA out of our small town...I am not so keen, I don't think it works for me, unless I could find a woman only group.  I think I need to find my own path to sobriety, not joined at the hip with much as I love him and I know he loves me I think we need to find our own independent sobriety, perhaps then we could be strong for each other?

I just can't keep this up any longer this cycle of sickness is killing me physically and mentally  and it will eventually kill my business (if I face facts it is already suffering) and my relationships ("no honey, Grandma can't pick you up to stay overnight" she wants to have drink instead) is only a matter of time....I know it.  I feel trapped, dreading this evening when I will be faced yet again with decision of picking up that drink that leads to oblivion.

I have been reading your blog and it gives me hope...I know it is one day at a time and I will try to make this day count.


  1. After long-term sobriety, I also relapsed and after 19 months, have finally had enough. Fortunately, my husband is not alcoholic so my situation is not quite the same as yours. My previous relationship was with a practising alcoholic while I managed to remain sober, but in that case I found leaving preferable to joining him. I am only on day 5 now, but for what it's worth, I think you are absolutely right in thinking you may need to find your own path to sobriety. We can't do this for each other, we each need to find our own way and make sobriety our top priority. You can still love him, (Alanon was a good resource for me) but take care of yourself first. We don't have to live that way anymore. My sincerest best wishes to you.

  2. My husband and I got sober together in 1989. In the beginning it was kind of fun but then turned into a competition of who sponsored more people or who chaired more meetings. When I would be elected chairperson of a particular meeting, he would tell me he told everyone to vote for me. One time when I was running for office of secretary for my large home group he nominated someone to run against me. Someone I sponsored. Womans' meetings were the answer. Find some and go to those and 1 or 2 with your husband. Your own sobriety must come first. By the way, my husband is no longer sober.

  3. I'm "new" to sobriety....on day 13. The biggest motivation for me (right now) is how much better I feel! I repeat this all the time but don't know how else to word it....I feel sharper, stronger, and sooo much better physically and mentally. When I am in a "trigger" situation (cooking, pool lounging) and long for that glass (those GLASSES) of wine I remind myself of how I feel now vs. how I felt. I realize it's harder than that for many. The other thing for me personally was coming out and admitting to my family and a few close friends that I am an alcoholic. Now I'm accountable to more than just myself (those mornings I'd get up and say "I'm NOT going to drink today"...only to break my own ME...because nobody else "knew"). Now I have others supporting me and I have to tell you how great it feels when another day passes and I am so proud of MYSELF for doing it "one more day"! Praying for you my friend and thanking God for these pages to support us. I read them and realize I'm not alone! Keep us posted and know we're here! XOXO

  4. Anon, you're not alone either. We're here for you. My own path is what worked for me. I hope you find one and follow it. Feeling better drove me the first few months, then the clear-headedness that came next helped a lot with that phase of time. You can get there, we'll help you. Write me...

  5. We are all pulling for you! Hang in there and it will get better, Tammy is right, you will feel better and when you have a few days sober you can think more clearly. I got tired of the co-ed meetings, and found a really good women's group that I connected with, these women are smart and incredibly interesting to listen to and maybe knowing that there are so many of us out here may help you to find some peace and sobriety. Sobriety has brought me so many wonderful things, and peace and pride in myself is at the top of my list.

  6. When you mention going to meetings out of town.. I couldn't help but let you know about

    To just visit as a guest go to

    You will have to look at the posted video clubhouse times and get there during one of those in order to sit in on a meeting. Completely anonymous until you decide to 'join'. When you join you still can keep your anonymity, but most of us don't, I find. I just love some of the meetings. I even have a sponsor from there now.

    I am an alcoholic, too. I live full time in an RV and work as a gateguard on call 24/7 so I cannot go to face to face meetings. This has given me the community I missed so much! Solid AA, too. I've lived in places where it isn't.

    I am also pulling for you. It's a WE program, friend. I care. I also had my own business. My best friend and I gave seminars on communication/leadership skills. My new life is much better...

  7. I am in the same situation. My partner and I "decided" to stop drinking... Again...
    I've been in and out of AA for years, we've both been to medical detoxes (him landing in icu for a week), intensive out patient programs, blah blah blah. Our whole relationship is a roller coaster of blackout drinking followed by short stints of sobriety. We fuel each other. And it is toxic to each other, we know this. So, we have decided to stop drinking again. It's day 3 and I want to throw in the towel already. But if I do, I contribute not only to killing myself but also him. And tonight, I just can't bring myself to do that. Tonight I won- not the rum. (Yes- we even drink rum too)
    I see this was written some time back, but I hope you have found some peace and strength. I hope you and your husband are doing well. I will be sending good wishes for you and ask for the same in return. Thank you for sharing your story.