***Submitted by Anonymous
The past year has been hell, well technically the past three years have been
A break-up, two back surgeries for my child, lost the home I owned
and loved, moved twice, lost my dream job and finally filed bankruptcy.
All in that order and I am certain that is not everything major that has
gone wrong. I started drinking daily a little over a year ago as my way
to escape the anxiety from some of these things, the losing of the job
happened about 6 months in.
I've never been treated for anxiety until
recently but I think I've had a few very minimal bouts with it in my
past, I can say that now that I truly know what it is. I've been doing
so much soul searching recently and for me, I've discovered I have
anxiety because I am not living the life I should be proud of.
mostly embarrassed of what I have allowed to happen to me, or I have
done to myself. I isolate. I don't like to see family, I only have one
friend I will talk to about my problems but not about the alcohol.
While I have medication that is a godsend for anxiety, I do not like to
take it, but it does work wonders when I do. Sometimes if the anxiety
isn't too bad I can get by with just drinking it away. So do I drink
because of the anxiety or do I have anxiety because I drink? I know
that the alcohol makes it worse.
Waking up at 4 am
every day so shaky and wired and anxiety ridden, having a beer or two
and then going back to bed for 2 or 3 more hours is a habit. Most days I
drink instead of eat and I've gained 50lbs with that logic. It is
So I really tied one on the other night, got up and kept
drinking the next day a 30 pack of beer and two packs of cigarettes in
about 24 hours. I am going to die. I didn't even recognize myself in
the mirror. It just made me so sick.
I'm just over 24 hours without a
drink and doing pretty well. I cannot tell you the last time I went
without a drink for 24 hours. I had an episode a few hours ago where
the anxiety almost made me sick but I did not go to the liquor store and
am feeling recovered from that. I know alcohol played a role in the
things that have gone wrong.
I just want things to start going right
and I don't want to die. I know I can go to the liquor store, I told
myself that, but then I made the decision not to, just for today at