Thursday, July 11, 2013

Drinking and Anxiety

***Submitted by Anonymous

The past year has been hell, well technically the past three years have been hell. 

A break-up, two back surgeries for my child, lost the home I owned and loved, moved twice, lost my dream job and finally filed bankruptcy.

All in that order and I am certain that is not everything major that has gone wrong. I started drinking daily a little over a year ago as my way to escape the anxiety from some of these things, the losing of the job happened about 6 months in.

I've never been treated for anxiety until recently but I think I've had a few very minimal bouts with it in my past, I can say that now that I truly know what it is.  I've been doing so much soul searching recently and for me, I've discovered I have anxiety because I am not living the life I should be proud of. 

I'm mostly embarrassed of what I have allowed to happen to me, or I have done to myself.  I isolate. I don't like to see family, I only have one friend I will talk to about my problems but not about the alcohol. 

While I have medication that is a godsend for anxiety, I do not like to take it, but it does work wonders when I do.  Sometimes if the anxiety isn't too bad I can get by with just drinking it away. So do I drink because of the anxiety or do I have anxiety because I drink?  I know that the alcohol makes it worse. 

Waking up at 4 am every day so shaky and wired and anxiety ridden, having a beer or two and then going back to bed for 2 or 3 more hours is a habit. Most days I drink instead of eat and I've gained 50lbs with that logic. It is disgusting. 

So I really tied one on the other night, got up and kept drinking the next day a 30 pack of beer and two packs of cigarettes in about 24 hours. I am going to die.  I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror.  It just made me so sick. 

I'm just over 24 hours without a drink and doing pretty well. I cannot tell you the last time I went without a drink for 24 hours.  I had an episode a few hours ago where the anxiety almost made me sick but I did not go to the liquor store and am feeling recovered from that.  I know alcohol played a role in the things that have gone wrong. 

I just want things to start going right and I don't want to die.  I know I can go to the liquor store, I told myself that, but then I made the decision not to, just for today at least.

16 comments:

  1. that's how WE do it ... together ... just for today...24 hrs at a time, I don't pick up the first drink. I invite you to visit a women's AA meeting, sit, listen ... listen for similarities not differences, we want to share what we have found with you ... the tools to live life on life's terms in ALL circumstances, one day at a time, together with us. We understand your feelings, the misery, been there done that ... been living the dream of sober living odat for over 4 years. Blessings and best wishes from; ... not drunk in Cali today

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  2. Good for you in making your decision. I work in the field of EMS and do not want to frighten you but please see a detox professional or someone who can help you through the DT process. I applaud you for making this very tough and life/habit altering decision! You are on your way to feeling better but please consult with a professional to deal with your body detoxing from this powerful daily habit. Very very best wishes- sending lots of U can do its your way!!!!!!

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  3. Hang in there, you can do it. Just for today. That's all you have to do is get thru today and take a nice hot shower and hit the bed. Tomorrow we'll do it again. I believe in you.

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  4. Good for you that you are taking charge of your problem with alcohol. I stopped drinking three years ago and I feel so great. Just know that you DO have the power not to drink. If you really want a life without alcohol, go for it. It is really difficult the first year but it gets so much better. You can try an AA meeting but it is not for everyone, especially for a lot of women. Don't let them tell you that you need a program in order not to drink. Best wishes and the EMT is right. Detoxing is serious. You could have bad seizures and everything depending on how bad you are addicted.

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  5. I am so sad to read how difficult your life has been the past few years. I can understand that you would be anxious and many other emotions as well trying to deal with this overwhelming set of circumstances. I know from first account that anxiety and alcohol are not a good mix. I drank to cover my anxiety and it just made me more anxious. I too, woke up and drank to go back to sleep and just felt more wretched in the morning. I can tell you that my anxiety is GONE, and I can deal with my life completely, good and bad... Instead of anxiety I have energy and a positive attitude...Get some support, whether it be here or AA, I really needed the AA meetings at the beginning but as my life sorted itself out, I have not needed them anymore. Good luck!

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  6. You took the first step by reaching out. I agree with the EMT above. Please speak to someone about detox. A safe plan can be made for the withdraw of alcohol. Ive been there , I didn't know and a professional suggested detox. Seizures can be a side effect.

    I so hear your story in mine. Anxiety, meds, self medicate with alcohol. It becomes a viscious (sp) cycle. In my case the meds with alcohol negated the benefits of the meds.

    Please keep reaching out and ask for help. I asked for help through AA. There is a toll free number 24/7. I go to women's meetings. The woman understand. They will love you until you love yourself.

    It can get better. Thinking of you. :)
    Be well

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  7. Thank you all so much. Is wrong that I feel better already just after a couple of days? I haven't struggled THAT much yet without drinking but I've been staying busy, keeping an open mind and spending time with my son which we just haven't done a lot of lately. I am cooking and plan to start walking tomorrow. I talked to my dad which helped a lot but I feel like I'm on a high today and yesterday and one bad day is going to send me crashing. I hear you all about AA and I did go several months back to a few meetings but it was a treatment program for a few weeks and then I lost my health insurance and I just didn't like the free meeting I went to. Ok. Mid sentence and I do remember one that I thought I might like and never tried. Answered my own question there. I will call the doc tomorrow too. Thank you for the support, kind words, and prayers. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

    Deb

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  8. Hi Deb,

    I'm not a religious person at all, never belong to a church or grew up with that background even. But I can tell you God saved me from a life of addiction and abuse. An intimate relationship with Him. He doesn't want you perfect, He just loves you the way you are and once you reach out to Him God will heal you from this wicked addiction that only ruins ones life and the ones they love.

    I should know I lived it for many many years. I don't even miss drinking now (loved my wine) and never went to an AA meeting.

    Focus on loving your kid. Pray everyday, nothing fancy or long, just honest short prayer. God will start His work in you and will change your life if you just believe.

    Remember, the pots with the most cracks shine the brightest when filled with The Light ;0) He loves to transform us. God can give you the strength the world can not.

    Blessings of peace to you,
    Lara
    www.raokness.blogspot.com
    My Testimony is on my blog if you want to read.

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    1. MY TESTIMONY is the title of my story on the blog

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  9. Well I did it. Here it is 6 am and I've been up for about an hour with that old familiar feeling. Having to check my phone to see who I texted and what the hell I said. One thing I've learned is that my anxiety is bad enough without this shit. I mean really learned. Come do find out I didn't say or do anything bad thank god, still doesn't make me feel much better. My head hurts and my body aches. Why did I do it? I know what my excuse is but I don't know why I turned to a drink. I need to learn some better coping strategies with boredom and stress.

    I'm trying understand the turning to God thing. Is it just a mechanism for accountability? I don't know whatt it mean to turn it over to god, to admit I'm powerless. I will read Lara's blog to see if there is some insight.

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    1. God being the Creator of everything has the power to take this from you. No problem is too big for Him to handle. I am living proof since I quite cold turkey 1 1/2 years ago, along with cigarettes and pot. My life changed and I finally have peace I never had in my entire life! I'm not into religion. I'm into a relationship with my Lord.

      By giving it over to God, it means just talking to Him from your heart. If you are really ready this time to stop being a slave to alcohol God will set you free. All you need to do is believe and let Him do the rest.

      I will pray for you. I've been in your shoes and I know how you feel. God bless and pray from your heart, not your head.

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    2. It's so hard. For me... "god" is the energy between people. You know that feeling you get when you're tuned in to another person? It could be your best friend, when you're talking about politics or religion or something deep. It could be the connection you get when you're intimate with someone you care about. It's different for everyone... but that connection... that's my "god". It's all about letting go, handing the control over to something bigger than you are.

      I still haven't figured it out completely. But I wish you nothing but the best in figuring it out for yourself.

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  10. The anxiety. I get it. I fight it every day. My husband resents me for staying home. My kids don't understand why I don't go to their school activities. I get it and it hurts and I fight it every day. I'm just trying to trust that when I hand my will over, it will get better. I hope you figure it out.

    rs

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  11. I am here with you, caught in this cycle. help me, help, me, help me is my prayer most days. stay strong for your child.

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  12. I am a little calmer today. After some sobriety, I've been able to make more sense of my situation. I've realized that EVERYTHING in my life is different from a few years ago. I have many regrets and have made many mistakes and drinking isn't ever going to make me feel better about that. Its ok though. I am not the person I was and i wont be able to pick up where i left off. Finally accepting that feels like a weight lifted off of me. It doesn't mean that I can't start over and end up being just as successful as I once was, I'm just taking a detour.

    I was a professional but for many reasons I am no longer and thats the part that has made me feel like such a failure. Its disappointing and I have felt like others, family, friends, other professionals were so impressed by me and now they have seen my downward spiral and I assume they see me as a failure. Nobody has to know I'm not though, no one has lived in my shoes. No one can fix this for me.

    I took the first step today after waking up not hungover and feeling optomistic. I went to apply for a job. I need to get back out there and start somewhere. I noticed that when I go to the grocery store I talk to everybody, I smile, I strike up conversations. Sitting alone in my house all day yesterday I yearned for human interaction. I am a people person, a happy person by nature. I miss that so much about me.

    Everything doesn't have to be perfect but out of some sort of self respect, I have to try.

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  13. I can relate! If you can, and feel up to it go to an AA meeting. You don't have to say anything. Just listen. Take everything, including the not drinking ONE DAY AT A TIME! Those 5 words and AA changed my life. Stay positive and strong. If you feel like you are in withdrawal, go talk to your doctor.

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