Monday, May 13, 2013

Who Am I?

***Submitted by Anonymous
 
I think I’m an alcoholic. 
 
Just typing that word makes me cry and shake. They say that if you think you have a problem, you probably do.

I drink too much. Almost nightly and one bottle quickly becomes another and then I have a hangover the next morning and feel guilty and promise myself I’ll do it again. I’ll never pour that glass of wine, not even one.

That’s a lie. I lie to myself.

I throw the bottles away wrapped in newspaper to hide them. I’m so ashamed. My husband knows I drink but I’m certain he has no clue just how much. I’ve reached out and said I think I’m sick, I think I need help, I think I have a problem. My family tells me I’m fine. My husband says don’t buy it anymore.

If it were only that easy!

I ask myself why I drink. I talk to myself as I’m driving to the store even asking why over and over. Drinking numbs me. It makes me feel giddy when I’m not. It helps me loosen up and talk to my husband because otherwise I probably wouldn’t talk much to him. Drinking relaxes me and allows me to enjoy sex or do more in bed then I ordinarily would. I think my husband likes for me to drink because of this. I drink to ease my mind. I feel so much pressure, so much stress and anxiety. The expectations are too much some days.  I drink to forget stuff and not feel guilty but in the end I feel worse.

I always feel worse.

Drinking has led me down bad paths of saying stuff I shouldn’t. Hurting people’s feeling and yes making people think I’m not the good person that I know I am.

I am a good person; I did not always drink like this so why do I do it now? What in the Sam hell is wrong with me and where did I go? How can I get back to my old self again?

So here I am saying I think I’m an alcoholic or at least I abuse alcohol. I’m not sure where to turn. Who to call or what to do because the shame and judgment is something I am so fearful of.  I do not know how to function in social settings without the drink or how I’ll say no. People know me for loving my wine. For it making me funny, talkative and happy go lucky. Would my husband, my friend and family love me the same without it? I wonder now because it seems so weaved into who I am now that I don’t know how to separate from it.

I need support, guidance and that’s why I’m here because I’m not sure where else to go. I don’t want to hit rock bottom but I see that the bottom could be near if I’m not careful or don’t make a change.
It’s time for a change before it’s too late.

Today I am making the change because I simply cannot feel like this again tomorrow or the day after that.  
I want my old self back.

17 comments:

  1. 1. I guarantee you that you can have your old self back.
    2. If you're looking for help, AA is a pretty good place to start. I love this piece by Roger Ebert - he's such a good writer and makes so much sense. http://www.rogerebert.com/rogers-journal/my-name-is-roger-and-im-an-alcoholic
    3. Sending you good thoughts and strength. You can do it.

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    1. After a few days in AA I found even tho I could have my own self back, what I really wanted was my new recovering from drinking alcoholically self ... and o.d.a.t. I am learning who she is and that I love her. The Roger Ebert piece is a great read...many of us around you are sober and loving it, we just don't advertise it, except in the room of AA where anonymity is cherished. Sending you good thoughts, strength and prayers. I would say just do it ... go to a meeting, talk to other women in AA, find a power greater than yourself and enjoy sobriety. It's quite the ride!

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  2. I know exactly how you feel because I feel the SAME WAY. I also ask myself why I do this to myself, why I drink to this point and it's because we've turned alcohol into our own harmful medicine. I'm trying to feel better so I focus on drinking instead of whatever else I was focused on... At least until the next morning when I just hate myself.

    I'm not sober yet but I'm working on it. I wish you the best of luck.

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  3. I find that once you get angry enough, you can stop any bad habit (not just drinking). Once you get mad enough, you can stop! Also, try replacing your "habit" with exercise. Exercise is a natural mood-booster and makes us feel wonderful inside! Remember, alcoholism is a disease, often passed down through generations. It is not your fault that you are an alcoholic, it may just part of who you are. But, you don't have to live with it -- get mad! And get sober!

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    1. Pure desperation got me sober.

      Anger does not stop the compulsion to drink. If you have , had the compulsion to drink you know exactly what I am talking.

      Reach out, talk to someone.

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  4. Good for you for writing and reaching out. That's the hardest part... Admitting you may have a problem and seeking help. I know you might feel weak and at your worst, but admitting that alcohol is a problem for you is actually a great, strong foundation from which to turn things around. Don't worry, you can change, you can be a better person and live better. Alcoholics Anonymous has been a huge help to me, I'm 7 months sober thanks to AA. Try a meeting, then another... You won't look back. You can do it. Lots of us are changing and making different choices, you can too :-)

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  5. You're telling my story. I completely relate to everything you've said. Typing the words "I think I am an alcoholic" is the brave first step. I did that for the first time in July of 2012. I only have a few weeks sober at this point but regardless my life has changed dramatically for the better since I said "the a-word". Try to find a community of people who you can relate to and with whom you can talk freely about what is going on inside your head and with "the normies" in your life. People who can understand where your head is at and provide unbiased advice will help immensely. Your family and friends don't understand and might not ever. That is frustrating but ok. You're not alone. There are plenty of us out there who can help. I found "my community" of sober men and women through the links on the CON page. Take a look around. You can do this and will be happier. I promise. The journey may not be fun but it is well worth the struggle.
    XO- Kate

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  6. You have taken a huge 1st step, admitting you have a problem. You may feel alone, your not. There are so many of us out there and here online. Keep reaching out and ask for help.
    We cannot do it alone.

    You are worth it!

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  7. I agree with everyone here; you are doing the right thing and have made the first step! It's taken me lots of starts and stops, but you have made the difference RIGHT HERE by just admitting it to yourself, and to a great, supportive community online. Try meetings, friends, a sponsor, a blog (there is a great community online, my blog has helped me talk through so much..) and it might not be immediate, but you are working toward your future in the right direction!! Your story was mine a year ago, maybe two. I spent so much time wasted on alcohol, on thinking about alcohol, on thinking on how to stop thinking and drinking alcohol! It's WAY more difficult to be so obsessed with all these things! You can do it, and you've made the right choice. It's not easy, but be kind to yourself first, because you're not alone, and you are worth it. You are WORTH IT!

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  8. Many of us have been where you are. There is such fear in the unknown. Now I see life without alcohol is undeniably better - easier, happier, richer - than my painful previous life.

    Getting started is probably the hardest step, but know you're not alone. Blogging is a great source of support you can get from home or anywhere.

    This site also lists some great in-person or online places to find help: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/support_groups_alcohol.htm

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  9. I know just how you feel...I too wanted my "old" self back along with things that used to motivate me....things that I was passionate about. Because the alcohol just took everything but the good news is that your "old" self does come back - everything does but you have to work for it. I've been sober and in recovery for two years and life is a MILLION times better now than it was before. It takes time....you didn't get to where you are overnight and you will not get better over night but if you work at it you will and if you want it bad enough. Someone else wrote that pure desparation got them sober and that is what finally got me to my first AA meeting, and I've been going ever since. I saw that it works and that I was really sick with a progressive disease - and I'm sticking to it. I love my life now and more importantly - I can be there for my little ones :) And be the best mother I can be. Reach out for help, just like you're doing now. You'll need others around you, recovering, to stay sober. Good luck to you - you can do this - soooo many people have and you don't have to live the way you have been. This disease sucks but you do have a choice.

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  10. I admire you for the step you have taken. I feel just like you, but I feel I still have to keep it a secret. My family would be so upset if they knew my secret about the alcohol and bouts with cigarettes. I wish I could be so brave! I think I could be addicted to anything...I have a long history with an eating disorder that pretty much ruined my life from age 13 - age 24. Lately I'm having problems with everything (alcohol, cigarettes, & occasional purging) and I feel so ashamed. At age 47, I had accomplished recovery recovery with cig. and eating back in 1990, but just started with the alcohol within the last year. I hope I can be brave enough to admit to my husband I think I have a problem like you. God bless you and thank you for sharing your story!

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  11. All of the replies are so on point. If you were diagnosed with the C word (cancer) you would seek any treatment possible. Our disease of alcoholism is as life threatening but unfortunately no medication, chemo, radiation, or surgery can fight it into remission/recovery. This must come from within oneself combined with support from family, friends, AA, online recovery sites and blogs, etc. You have taken the first HUGE step in admitting you are powerless over alcohol. Secondly, you have the desire to quit drinking. What I use to consider my bestfriend was truly this evil, cunning, powerful demon that was determined to ruin my life. I was just a stone's throw away from doing so. Get mad. Get angry. Determine you will not let this disease beat you but you will be IT instead. AA has been life changing for me. Once 18 months sober due to AA, I like so many felt I could be a normal drinker. I quickly fell back into the clutches of alcohol. By the grace of my Higher Power I gratefully received a second DUI and have been sober 7 months. This time I'm in it for good. I have a much better understanding of the disease but more importantly I have a much, much better life. That so called friend and what I thought I needed to face the day almost ended what I love on earth the most - my family. You can do this. You are not alone in this. Take one day at a time and just don't drink for 24 hours. Each day gets a little easier I promise. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  12. Thanks for all your comments. They are so encouraging. I drank last night...too much as always. I feel terrible. Guilty. Ashamed. Two days sober and I slid backwards. Why? So I start again and came right here to read all of your comments. I am so afraid to go to AA or to talk to my husband about this.

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  13. I don't know why we do it. I am going to keep trying starting tomorrow. I am going to start with this site and other online groups. If I need more help, then I have to go get more help.

    You can do this. Tomorrow is a brand new day and we can leave the past behind us and start all over again.

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  14. I haven't posted my story on here yet, but when I read yours and the comments about AA and your fear of AA - I had to let you know I agree and understand and wanted to share with you and others what's working for me so far.

    I have slipped many many many times and always hate myself for it and am afraid I am going to die or kill someone else in a blackout. I got sober May 17, 2013.

    I bought the book How to Quit Drinking Without AA by Jerry Dorsman. REALLY like it so far. Also, it has great reviews.
    I also bought (by suggestion) The Mastery of Love and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

    I am also watching a lot of Alcohol Recovery Stories on Youtube (you can find many results under different searches.)

    Funny, but it helps me to watch stories of people hitting rock bottom, painful as it is, because it scares the hell outta me and holds a mirror up to myself. I just watched The Two Coreys, about Corey Feldman and the late Corey Haim. So haunting to watch when you know the outcome for Haim but it kind of helps me. Actually it really helps me - like watching myself. Yes, Haim was addicted to prescription pills while I am a raging alcoholic, but I still get the picture. Hopefully you will too.

    Point is, I can't go to AA, but I do need help. This and other online forums where I can be anonymous plus the methods above plus (as someone mentioned above in the comments) exercise really help me and I feel in my heart of hearts that this will be the last time I quit. It has to be. Or I will be dead before my 37th birthday.





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  15. I can relate to your story. I have been sober for sixty days and it has been a roller coaster. I have chosen not to go to AA, I am not against it at all, I just feel it is not the right way for me. I had to get help from my doctor with the withdrawal part because the anxiety and shakiness was too much for me to handle. I have a wonderful therapist because now that I don't self medicate any more all of these feelings emerged and I didn't know what to do with them. Find a way that works for you and start talking about it with a few trusted friends. I wish you the best!

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