***Submitted by Anonymous
I think I’m an alcoholic.
Just typing that word makes me cry and shake. They say that if you think you have a problem, you probably do.
I drink too much. Almost nightly and one bottle quickly becomes another and then I have a hangover the next morning and feel guilty and promise myself I’ll do it again. I’ll never pour that glass of wine, not even one.
That’s a lie. I lie to myself.
I throw the bottles away wrapped in newspaper to hide them. I’m so ashamed. My husband knows I drink but I’m certain he has no clue just how much. I’ve reached out and said I think I’m sick, I think I need help, I think I have a problem. My family tells me I’m fine. My husband says don’t buy it anymore.
If it were only that easy!
I ask myself why I drink. I talk to myself as I’m driving to the store even asking why over and over. Drinking numbs me. It makes me feel giddy when I’m not. It helps me loosen up and talk to my husband because otherwise I probably wouldn’t talk much to him. Drinking relaxes me and allows me to enjoy sex or do more in bed then I ordinarily would. I think my husband likes for me to drink because of this. I drink to ease my mind. I feel so much pressure, so much stress and anxiety. The expectations are too much some days. I drink to forget stuff and not feel guilty but in the end I feel worse.
I always feel worse.
Drinking has led me down bad paths of saying stuff I shouldn’t. Hurting people’s feeling and yes making people think I’m not the good person that I know I am.
I am a good person; I did not always drink like this so why do I do it now? What in the Sam hell is wrong with me and where did I go? How can I get back to my old self again?
So here I am saying I think I’m an alcoholic or at least I abuse alcohol. I’m not sure where to turn. Who to call or what to do because the shame and judgment is something I am so fearful of. I do not know how to function in social settings without the drink or how I’ll say no. People know me for loving my wine. For it making me funny, talkative and happy go lucky. Would my husband, my friend and family love me the same without it? I wonder now because it seems so weaved into who I am now that I don’t know how to separate from it.
I need support, guidance and that’s why I’m here because I’m not sure where else to go. I don’t want to hit rock bottom but I see that the bottom could be near if I’m not careful or don’t make a change.
It’s time for a change before it’s too late.
Today I am making the change because I simply cannot feel like this again tomorrow or the day after that.
I want my old self back.