Friday, May 17, 2013

Falling Hurts

***Submitted by Anonymous

I should know by now that falling hurts.

So how did I manage to fall so many times?

The simple answer was, that I don't remember.  I'd have blacked out. Who knows what I'd gotten up to or where I'd been.   I was 15.  I'd managed to hide it from my parents, siblings, friends.  The ones who saw me drunk loved how I'd keep up with the boys, drink for drink.  But pretty soon just getting drunk wasn't enough, I'd throw in any prescription drugs or non prescription drugs for  that matter, if I'm going to tell the story then I best be truthful with myself and tell it all.
 
I remember those years as school and then drunk.  I'd behave throughout the week, then get mothered as I used to put it all weekend.  I can't remember my weekends from 15 - 18 years old.
 
At 18, I went all grown up. Sobered up, got myself a respectful job, a car, a boyfriend and things were pretty good.   Most of the time I would 'behave' but then I'd have some pretty big binge drinking blowouts. But it was all in good humor, good fun and I was safe... Right??????

Fast forward to the birth of my first daughter (aged 25) I was the picture perfect mum, doting, loving, sober - and that was a choice I made so I could breastfeed for as long as possible.
 
I had another daughter 3 and a half years later, again I was loving, doting and sober, in and for the children's best interests.

Once I stopped breast feeding I was allowed to drink again. I wasn't going to hurt the kids but having a wine so it was full steam ahead.
 
I'd have a social wine - I didn't like wine, so then I moved onto vodka.  Well it was like finding an old long lost friend and we got right back into the swing of things.
 
I went out very few times a year due to the fact that I was a stay-at-home Mom, but when I did..... Well there would always be stories:
 
Like the time I was staying in a hotel of a casino with my husband.  I drunk 2 bottles of wine and quite a few cocktails during the night... He tucked me into bed and went down to catch up with his mates..... I slept a bit but then began throwing up, all over myself and the bed I was in.  I can remember thinking to myself - blow it out, you can't swallow it, don't breath it, spit it out.
 
I gave my husband the worst fright that night, friends came in and stripped me off, changed the bed, made me well.  In the morning we met for breakfast with our friends. They knew how ill I'd been but cheered me on for "living to tell the tale".  
 
Or 
 
It was the Christmas work function, an all you can drink, eat and party kinda night.
 
Luckily for me some of the people at the function center that night were nurses.
 
I was right into the swing of things, dancing, drinking, shots, dancing and fun fun fun.  The room got a bit blurry, so I went to sit down at the table. A few minutes later I was vomiting over everything, everywhere.  I became non responsive, my eyeballs rolled to the back of my head, I had my employees holding my head up and hair out of my face/vomit.   My ride soon arrived and I left......and was admitted to hospital.  The ambulance personnel had to cut me out of my clothes, (with my husbands permission). My breathing was so shallow, heartbeat irregular and to be truthful I don't recall a thing of it at all.  I was woken every half hour, given 5 bags of fluids, and allowed a short time to sleep.  My husband and children came the next morning to take me home.  I had to tell the kids that I'd bumped my head and that was why I was in hospital.
 
There were many lows to that day, all are scorched into my pride.  I swore I would never ever drink like that again.
 
A week later I took my youngest daughter to see my GP.  After we had sorted out her problem (ear infection). He then turned to me, and said that he was going to call me anyway so he'll just say it now..... He had my hospital notes, my blood alcohol level was .53
 
I should have been dead.    
 
There was no nice way to put it.

Sober I became, till the next time.
 
I sat at a friends house, I felt like my husband no longer wanted to be with me, he was always out with his mates drinking and having fun.  I was stuck at home with the kids, so went to my mates house for a quick drink.
 
It was a very quick one.  It hardly even touched the sides, so we had another, another, another,another, another, another,    My kids went to bed at her house, safe, happy and well.
 
So we had another, another, another, another, another.... Then I went quiet, the room spun and I vomited all over her expensive carpet.
 
My husband came to get me, we went home in his taxi that bought him to me.   I stumbled inside, 
Got undressed and went to have a shower.  Hubby climbed into bed to sleep.  Three hours later hubby is yelling at me to wake up, I've collapsed in the shower and blocked the plug hole....  So thats another time I could have died through a binge drinking session, and to make things worse I'd flooded my house!!!!   I spent the next four hours trying to get the water out of the Carpet.  In the end I had to call the insurance company....  Lesson learned, you'd think...

I opened the mail the other week, and there was a beautiful invitation to our friends wedding overseas.... Woohoo I thought.  Holiday!!!!!

But then I started thinking, and thinking, and thinking some more. Holiday + relaxing + booze= nearly dead.  
 
And that was when I realized that I can't have a single drink ever again.  EVER

That was 1st May, 2013

21 comments:

  1. Congrats!! Wishing you all the best as you take care of yourself

    ReplyDelete
  2. Congratulations! Please ask for all the help you need.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so PROUD of you for deciding that. I was the same way, blacking out and not remembering anything and I am so glad that I was able to quit and now you are too, that's so wonderful.

    You hang in there and if you need to talk, email me !~! Lynda at LMI dot net

    ReplyDelete
  4. I will say a special prayer for you today. That is no way to go through life and your children need you, not just now, but they will need in you twenty years. Think of the future....you want to be a grandmother someday and leave a legacy of love and caring for your family. You can do that! Just find strength in your children and try to replace your addiction with exercise and other positive things. You can do it!! You are a worthy person and you deserve a clean and sober life!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I was reading your story w/ such anticipation. I am so happy you decided drinking is not an option. It is no longer for me either. It sucks at times but it is what I need to do....what you need to do. You've made the right decision. Take a look at the links on this site for some online sober support. I am a mom of two young ones so I know how hard it is to get support when you need it most. You can do this.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You have taken a huge first step by admitting you have a problem and reaching out through this blog for help! You are worth it.

    As a dear friend said to me 'this is the hardest thing you will ever do" ! and he was right!! But is all so worth it once the obsession is lifted to drink. One was never enough for me.

    I was a black out drunk for 3/4 's of my life. SO I get you. Love of family, children, anyone will not get us to stop. I asked for help!! Finally! Keep reaching out, find an online sober resources, a 12 step program. Please do alcoholism is a progressive disease and it does not get better.
    I will say a prayer for you.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thank you so much for sharing. Your story gave me the courage to post this ridiculously long post. I hope you can do it. I hope I can do it.

    My leg is still healing from a fall I took Friday night during a near black out drunk and head is still healing from the fall I took last Saturday night after a black out drunk. That weekend was a bender from Friday through Sunday night. My friends brought me home Saturday night and my mom found me passed out on the floor, she checked my pulse thinking I was dead. I swore off alcohol on Monday morning.

    I binged last night and have some black out moments. Pre-gamed before a work event, drank at event, was loud and obnoxious - a colleague is angry with me because he feels as though a client was offended by my and my friend's behavior. We left that event and did a bar crawl back to my friend's car - she drove wasted (I already have a DUI for which I just got off of probation) and we went to a bar to drink some more. We forgot to pay and the bartender had to chase us in the parking lot to remind us. I woke up this morning without my car - had to meet my ex at my kids sporting event - took my friend's car to it - but problem is, their gear was in my car. I have never had drinking affect my kids like this (I am sure it does affect them without having the direct effects) - I am really beating myself up, feeling like the most self centered awful person ever.

    I need to get help. I was sober for 5 years (ages 19 through 24) with AA and while I respect AA, it is not for me right now. I am 38, professional, separated, 2 great kids, I have it all. And I am going to lose it all if I don't stop drinking. I am so disappointed - my dad is an alcoholic and I want(ed) to raise my kids as a social drinker so they wouldn't have a drunk for a mom or someone who can't handle alcohol so they don't drink.

    I have been in a horrible work situation for 18 months - which is when I separated because I fell in love with someone else - and which is when this awful downward spiral started. Who happened to be a married colleague. Who happens to be an alcoholic. Who ended up being my boss. Who brought his new girlfriend to the work event Friday night. We had a torrid, alcohol filled affair that involved some really horrible events that I cannot even type out. The relationship ended completely a few months ago - was on and off the rest of the time. He remains married. He remains an alcoholic. We work closely together every single day. I find myself an emotional stressed out wreck by the end of the day after having to deal with him - I don't want to be with him anymore but I am still in love with him on some level. I am using alcohol to run away from this - and this has resulted in the DUI, one night stands, a broken wrist, a concussion and most recently the injuries I described above.

    I am so tired of this, so tired of living this way. I am ruining my friendships. I have always prided myself on keeping alcohol from affecting work and my kids - I can't say that anymore. I go from being okay to full out shame spirals that last for days until the alcohol leaves my system and I start doing normal things again. Then I binge. Then I worry about all the things I did, people I annoyed, etc. and how that fall out is going to affect my life/kids/job. I think this is all so I don't think about the fact I left my marriage for an alcoholic married colleague and continue to engage in a completely dysfunctional relationship with him at work. I need to find a way to deal with my situation without drinking.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I too am struggling with trying to quit. Didn't drink tonight, I'm a night drinker, hardly if never do I drink during the day. But last night I hit my garage door and dented my truck, another expensive night, but thank god no one got killed. I'm tired of feeling ashamed, embarrassed and so disappointed with myself. I am joining different internet social forums for people who want to quit and I'm finding it to be quite helpful. I believe the easy part is getting over the physical dependence, the 3 days of detox, although it doesn't feel like it, but for me staying sober, after I've been sober for a few weeks and my addict brain tells me..... go ahead, you can have just a few, you can control it now..........................WELL NO I CAN"T..... So long as I can fully get that I can't even have one drink, I will be okay. Maybe a tatto on my forehead....Don't give alcohol to this person?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As I read your sharing, I'm smiling widely. I realized quickly, the most beautiful part of A.A. is the humour expressed by both the alcoholic and the family members. (once we get to Alanon, that is!) :-) The big book of A.A. talks about the alcoholic being of above average intelligence. At roundups, the room explodes into laughter as only a room of beautiful recovering alcoholics and family members can do. You seem wonderfully cut from that funny, funny cloth and I wish you a world of sobriety. I also love what an alcoholic told me once. He said, "I've lost the privilege to drink" and I thought, wow. Right on. It IS a privilege and not a right. Please celebrate, one day at a time...those days you don't drink. Simple. Don't focus on 10 years from now or a month from now. Just today! Pat yourself on the back. It isn't easy..like they say, but it is vitally SIMPLE. Good luck to you. :-) Janice H.

      Delete
  9. I haven't posted my story on here yet, but when I read yours and others and the comments about AA and your fear of AA - I had to let you know I agree and understand and wanted to share with you and others what's working for me so far.

    I have slipped many many many times and always hate myself for it and am afraid I am going to die or kill someone else in a blackout. I got sober (this time, the FINAL TIME!) May 17, 2013.

    I bought the book How to Quit Drinking Without AA by Jerry Dorsman. REALLY like it so far. I also bought (by suggestion) The Mastery of Love and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. I have a notebook I use for the Dorsman book and then I underline the Ruiz books. I go back and forth thru these as I want so it doesnt feel forced and its at my pace.

    I am also watching a lot of Alcohol Recovery Stories on Youtube (you can find many results under different searches.)

    Funny, but it also really helps me to watch true stories of people hitting rock bottom, painful as it is, because it scares the hell outta me and holds a mirror up to myself. I just watched The Two Coreys, about Corey Feldman and the late Corey Haim. So haunting to watch when you know the outcome for Haim but it kind of helps me. Actually it really helps me - like watching myself. Yes, Haim was addicted to prescription pills while I am a raging alcoholic, but I still get the picture. Hopefully you will too.

    Point is, I can't go to AA, but I do need help. This and other online forums where I can be anonymous plus the methods above plus (as someone mentioned above in the comments) exercise really help. Another thing I am learning is you have to cut white sugar out of your diet when you quit drinking alcohol. It makes a HUGE difference on alcohol cravings if you quit sugar too while you withdrawal!
    I feel in my heart of hearts that this will be the last time I quit. It has to be. Or I will be dead before my 37th birthday. I feel really empowered this time. I am so glad I found this forum where I can read about and talk with others who share my addiction and problem. Good luck to all of you!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I found out when I got sober my craving for sugar increased bc alcohol has sugar in it. Which i never knew.
      So yes i have consumed a ton of sweets in the past year and my clothes are telling me so. it's ok! i need to handle getting sober first. doing that i got my mind back. yay. sobriety is more important than being vain to me

      there is always time to deal w a couple extra inches on my waist. :)

      Delete
  10. I posted at 11:47 pm and am reading the next two posts - thank you for sharing. And I will try the sugar thing - I used to eat no carb after I had my kids - and I felt great. I too will be dead soon if I don't stop. Or fired. Or something horrible. Nothing good will come from me picking up a drink. Nothing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. (this is the May 19 1:31 p.m. Poster)

      I think its important to have some sort of treat or other goodies you can consume instead of booze. I like candies you can suck or chew on, sunflower seeds, good snacks and exotic healthy foods I can now spend $ on instead of alcohol. I know I just said I eat candy after I just emphasized in my original comment how much a difference a no white-sugar diet helps quitting alcohol. I have read and heard a lot about that but I must admit when I quit before for about a month (earlier this year 2013) I did have a lot of candy the first few days to satisfy my cravings of alcohol. But nevertheless, I DIDNT DRINK. I was riding my bicycle and other fun outdoor activities that I never used to do with alcohol in my life, so maybe being healthy was counteracting the sugar I would allow myself. I really like and liked sour and sweet things like lifesaver gummies, airheads, skittles and then I also really enjoyed being more domestic and baking sweets too, instead of my usual getting sh*t-faced every night. :) I am sober since MAy 17, 2013. I have allowed my self some icecream and fruit juice. I am not going nuts on candy this time. I am only drinking 1 starbucks iced coffee today. I usually drink 4-6 cups of really dark coffee with those super sweet flavored creamers. So I have to admit, I do have sugar but I try not to go as crazy as my cravings want me to be. Anything not to drink, right? I know that many times I have quit (usually for about a week being the longest) and when I was really watching my diet and cutting out sugar (just to be healthy, not to help with craving booze - i hadnt heard about cutting out sugar for that until a couple weeks ago!)I stopped craving sugar (and alcohol, i think) after about 2 to 3 days so it really does work. I just kept falling off the wagon by my own free will, not because of sugar. Story on THAT to be posted soon, but its just soooooo long I have to really tailor it down to fit this blog.

      ....

      Delete
    2. (cont. from May 19, 2013 7:17 p.m. comment)

      p.s. I also have to add that there is not a lot of treats I get to have because:

      a. I'm pescatarian and dont get to enjoy a big fat steak or all the meat or proteins I really enjoy because I refuse to support factory farming or the slaughter of these animals. I love meat but I wish it didn't come from animals. :( In the last year I gave in after 4 years and began to allow myself a free range steak here and there but now I cant even do that. I want to be vegetarian but am still indulging in seafood and fish. Anyway there's one vice I don't get and it cuts out so many naughty food options when I want to treat myself.

      2. Am quitting smoking. Quit full time a year ago but everytime I fell off wagon I drank when I smoke and hate myself for it. now that I wont drink I wont smoke but its harrrrrd when you feel like you need something to go for instead of that evil drink. Instead I use Nicorette lozenges (half a one or full one, depending on how i feel and how empty my stomach is) and the electronic cigarette by Blu. 9.99 at Walgreens. I get the disposable, classic tobacco. p.s you need to drink water with the lozenge in your mouth otherwise all that nicotine stays in your mouth and it is not enjoyable.

      ...so this is also why I am allowing myself some sweets during my first (and maybe more than the first?) days of sobriety even though I said to do the opposite. ;) one thing's for sure, i have more willpower not to go back for my 3rd icecream bar than i ever did for my 3rd drink so, so far so good....for today. day aint over yet and there are still 2 more in the freezer. (ice cream bars, that is, not drinks!) ;P

      Delete
  11. (I am the May 19 1:31 p.m. Poster)

    I think its important to have some sort of treat or other goodies you can consume instead of booze. I like candies you can suck or chew on, sunflower seeds, good snacks and exotic healthy foods I can now spend $ on instead of alcohol. I know I just said I eat candy after I just emphasized in my original comment how much a difference a no white-sugar diet helps quitting alcohol. I have read and heard a lot about that but I must admit when I quit before for about a month (earlier this year 2013) I did have a lot of candy the first few days to satisfy my cravings of alcohol. But nevertheless, I DIDNT DRINK. I was riding my bicycle and other fun outdoor activities that I never used to do with alcohol in my life, so maybe being healthy was counteracting the sugar I would allow myself. I really like and liked sour and sweet things like lifesaver gummies, airheads, skittles and then I also really enjoyed being more domestic and baking sweets too, instead of my usual getting sh*t-faced every night. :) I am sober since MAy 17, 2013. I have allowed my self some icecream and fruit juice. I am not going nuts on candy this time. I am only drinking 1 starbucks iced coffee today. I usually drink 4-6 cups of really dark coffee with those super sweet flavored creamers. So I have to admit, I do have sugar but I try not to go as crazy as my cravings want me to be. Anything not to drink, right? I know that many times I have quit (usually for about a week being the longest) and when I was really watching my diet and cutting out sugar (just to be healthy, not to help with craving booze - i hadnt heard about cutting out sugar for that until a couple weeks ago!)I stopped craving sugar (and alcohol, i think) after about 2 to 3 days so it really does work. I just kept falling off the wagon by my own free will, not because of sugar. Story on THAT to be posted soon, but its just soooooo long I have to really tailor it down to fit this blog.

    ....

    p.s. I also have to add that there is not a lot of treats I get to have because:

    a. I'm pescatarian and dont get to enjoy a big fat steak or all the meat or proteins I really enjoy because I refuse to support factory farming or the slaughter of these animals. I love meat but I wish it didn't come from animals. :( In the last year I gave in after 4 years and began to allow myself a free range steak here and there but now I cant even do that. I want to be vegetarian but am still indulging in seafood and fish. Anyway there's one vice I don't get and it cuts out so many naughty food options when I want to treat myself.

    2. Am quitting smoking. Quit full time a year ago but everytime I fell off wagon I drank when I smoke and hate myself for it. now that I wont drink I wont smoke but its harrrrrd when you feel like you need something to go for instead of that evil drink. Instead I use Nicorette lozenges (half a one or full one, depending on how i feel and how empty my stomach is) and the electronic cigarette by Blu. 9.99 at Walgreens. I get the disposable, classic tobacco. p.s you need to drink water with the lozenge in your mouth otherwise all that nicotine stays in your mouth and it is not enjoyable.

    ...so this is also why I am allowing myself some sweets during my first (and maybe more than the first?) days of sobriety even though I said to do the opposite. ;) one thing's for sure, i have more willpower not to go back for my 3rd icecream bar than i ever did for my 3rd drink so, so far so good....for today. day aint over yet and there are still 2 more in the freezer. (ice cream bars, that is, not drinks!) ;P

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. p.p.s...did some research.
      looks like sugar is NOT good (in fact, detrimental!) when you are trying to quit alcohol. same thing with coffee. gonna recant everything ive written above about using sweets and coffee to help my cravings!
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZ_6flmLysc

      Delete
    2. I just celebrated 1 year sober. Trust me when I say: it gets easier. That being said - do not beat yourself up over sweets, cigarettes and coffee. Allow yourself indulgences - you're not drinking, that's what matters! One day at a time.

      I always thought of myself as anti-AA too. I thought it was just another means to proselytize, or I found some meetings incredibly depressing, until I found great groups that I really enjoy going to on a bi-weekly basis. I started out by going more often but am now down to 2-3 times a week, 2 of which are my favorite open discussion groups. These are smaller groups in neighboring towns where you see most of the same people every week and get to know others in your group pretty well. When you see the same people week in and week out you really know you're in it together, especially when they have quite a bit more sobriety than you do. We laugh a lot - which is just about the best thing in early sobriety: sober laughter. I haven't done the steps, I don't have a sponsor and I don't go to big book meetings. I work the program just as much as it works for me, I still have people I can call if I need to, and I always know where I can go when I'm feeling the need. And I'm not afraid to go to out of town meetings when I'm traveling.

      So I think it's a matter of finding the right meetings that fit you. I've seen too many people stop going to meetings and inevitably pick up again. This is something you really can't do alone. My higher power is in the group, the Group Of Drunks.

      I also kicked off my sobriety with 28 days in rehab (after detox). If this option is available to you and you're serious about sobriety, this is an excellent way to get started down that path. It's a safe place where you can hang up all your real-world responsibilities for a little while and just concentrate on you. At least this is how it was for me.

      The first time I tried to get sober, I was coming home from meetings and out-patient groups to a very drunk husband. Everybody told me to leave him but we'd only been married for about a year at that point. Eventually I found it was easier to be a functioning alcoholic than to attempt sobriety around him. Sooner or later though, I was not a functioning alcoholic. Besides the blackouts and the fights, I was full of anxiety that was mostly fueled by the alcohol. I suppose it helped that I caught him cheating, but I finally ended our relationship and then my relationship with alcohol. It was truly one day at a time for many months. I would tell myself: "this problem isn't worth drinking over. I'll wait for the next one" and that would get me through each day, each roadblock, each hurdle. Eventually, the daily craving subsided. I absolutely think about it still, I dream about it, dammit - I can downright taste it sometimes, but my sobriety is just way too valuable to me to give up. It's just not worth drinking over because I know I cannot have just one, or two, or three. I play the tape through and fast forward what it leads to, and it's not pretty. I want better than that in my life. I don't want to be that person again.

      I hope this is helpful to you.

      Delete
  12. Good for everyone reading the blog and posts here. We are all trying to stay sober. It helps for me to have something fun to drink - a fancy iced coffee or a homemade ginger soda (delicious and easy). I don't feel so deprived.

    Seems like others have issues with AA. Me too. Cult-like. I swore off AA meeting when the urge to stop at the liquor store was overwelming - on the way home from the meeting. I am not knocking it. If it works, more power to you. But, it didn't work for me. In fact, since I quit going to AA meeting (11/2012), I have had the longest period of sobriety in years. I found a group - Women for Sobriety - that has helped. It is nation wide and I go to a weekly meeting and it does help.

    To all my fellow alcoholics out there - stay strong, keep reading and posting.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Women For Sobriety has allowed me to find my sober legs and get on with a beautiful sober life.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Women for Sobriety is how I got sober, also, almost 3 years go!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Another vote for Women for Sobriety!!!!

    ReplyDelete