Thursday, May 2, 2013

At The Starting Line - A Mom Speaks Her Truth

***Submitted by Anonymous

I was raised with alcohol.  From a very young age my dad would give me wine with dinner.  We had a very full wine cellar in our house and as a teenager I would swipe bottles and drink them with my friends.

College was great fun, tons of parties, drinking every weekend.  Lots of hangovers but I still made dean's list every semester.

Moved to New York to work an awful teaching job, started going to happy hour 2 to 3 days a week, and drinking well past that hour.  Generally would miss at least one day of work a month because I was too hungover to get out of bed.  And it continued like that for the next several years.  My drinking was manageable, but it was an unhealthy amount and I hated that I wanted it so much.

Then I found out I was pregnant.  Over 2 months along by the time I finally found out (had always had very irregular periods) and spent the rest of my pregnancy sober but in an absolute panic about the amount of alcohol I had drank before I knew.  It was a lot.  I was convinced my baby would be deformed or retarded or have fetal alcohol syndrome... I remember praying to God and telling him that if he let my baby be ok I would never touch another drop of alcohol... and I really thought I meant it.  Well, he was born perfect.  
 
He is now a beautiful and very smart 21-month-old.  Within 3 weeks of his birth I was drinking again. Not too much because I was nursing.  By the time he was 6 months old he was drinking bottles.  And I started drinking bottles.  Staying at home with my little guy was great but it gave me ample opportunity to get my drinking to an entirely unmanageable level.  
 
It used to be one bottle of wine a night.  Now it's a bottle of wine before my husband gets home and then a bottle when he's home.  It's awful.  It's not every night, but I can't go more than 3 or 4 nights without.  It makes me hate myself so much and feel so guilty for being such a loser.  My son deserves so much better, and as much as I know that and want to change for him, I just can't.  
 
I wake up after a drinking night and the thoughts going through my head are always the same: This is it, I'm done, I'm going to Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm going to get sober.  But a few days later the urge to drink kicks in and it's so strong and I try to fight it but it's too much.  And I love drinking.  Sitting outside, watching my son play, drinking the first of my many drinks is wonderful, makes me feel so happy and relaxed.  

Thanks for reading, makes me feel a little better to admit to somebody how much I drink.  Not even my husband knows that by the time he comes home I'm on my second bottle.  
 
My friends don't know, my family doesn't know.  But now you readers all know and it's kind of liberating.

14 comments:

  1. Don't be afraid to ask for help from your doctor if you have a good one, there are medicines that you can take to help with the cravings. You can do this : D

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  2. Yes, it's so liberating to share. There are so many women who have been in your shoes. I was, too. I hid bottles from my husband, slowly got drunk during the daytime when I was taking care of our little child. I knew my child "deserved better" but I could not stop. I tried... could manage 3-5 days without wine but then an afternoon would come, the shame and hangover almost gone from memory, and the sound of a cork popping seemed like such an innocent ritual. When I told my husband that I was an alcoholic, and he didn't believe me because he had no idea how much I was actually drinking.
    Anyway, it's been a full year since I've had a drink. I didn't know who I'd be without a glass of wine in my hand, and now I know. It's been both the hardest and best year in my life.
    You are so courageous to share your story. I promise you can do this!!

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  3. There are so many ways to get help. You CAN do it. There is no can't. Try JUST for tonight not to drink. And then tomorrow morning, maybe make that promise to yourself again. "I won't drink today. Just today."

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  4. thanks so much for posting this..........ugh it is me too the shame and hate is so awful and sometimes feels like it will never end but this is a great place to start!!

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  5. I could have written this myself....

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  6. What matters it that YOU know. Everywhere you go, there you are. No hiding. Believe me, I tried. Good luck, I am on Day 22 and I cannot believe it...sending good vibes your way.

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  7. Please discuss this with a doctor. If you need help getting started there are medications to help with cravings and anxiety. i'm 3 months now and living the new normal with the help of antabuse. I've read many stories online by women who struggle with drinking, and who shared the fact that they didn't drink during their pregnancies, which I found kind of fascinating. I remember not drinking was hardly an issue for me during that time...I'm not sure if it was the hormones or just a powerful mind shift that occurred when the option was taken off the table completely.
    I asked a friend about that and her thoughts were that maybe antabuse works because that part of what is behind drinking too much is a mini version of ocd or some other kind of mini-compulsive-ness. one drink becomes 4 or 12. if we can’t have any, then we REALLY WANT it. We crave it. there’s an itch to be scratched, and we feel like drinking will scratch it. once drinking is removed from the equation == pregnancy, medication == maybe our brain stops trying to find ways to get us booze, because it knows we won’t drink it even if we have some in front of us. the need to fill the urge is gone because the urge isn’t going to be filled. Does that make sense?

    We're the only mothers our kids get..if you could pick yourself for a mother, would you? If not, please ask for help. You can do it!
    Be well.

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  8. I was you. Exactly like you. Eventually my husband confronted me. So I worked harder to hide it. Started drinking on the way home. Got arrested for DUI. Spent a day in prison. It will progress. I am now 18 mos sober. I feel like my life has just started. I am healthy and happy. The shame goes away. I did it. SO CAN YOU. I go to a women's AS group. Saved my life.

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    1. I meant AA not AS!

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    2. I meant AA not AS!

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  9. Like many who have commented, I could have written this also. I'm a SAHM to two young kids and my drinking escalated after my youngest was born. I made some really bad decisions and my husband finally asked me to get help. I knew it was time, but it was hard. I really had to work at it. I went to a meeting, got a sponsor, and started working the steps right away. I attended 30 meetings in the first 30 days. The support is there. You just need to want it bad enough. I'm now eight months sober and I can't even begin to explain the happiness and peace I feel. Instead of sitting around drinking wine each afternoon, I have found other things to fill my time - cooking, sewing/crafting, reading, blogging, gardening, etc. You can do it. I wish you all the best!

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  10. There is a solution! I too hated myself for drinking daily and I thought no one knew; that too is part of the illusion. Today I am sober FIFTY 50 months and the feeling of grace is palpable. I could not stop drinking on my own. The guilt and shame of daily drinking was killing my spirit one day at a time. Today my spirit is alive and thriving, I am living a life on life's terms with the help of Alcoholics Anonymous and a power greater than myself. YOU and your family are worth it ... call the 800 # in the yellow pages for AA and ask for help. The women there will love you until you can love yourself again. I would not want to miss this life I am living.

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  11. Lots of us have been where you're at right now. There are many paths to sobriety - you just have to try some until you find one that works for you. I have tried lots of them. By posting your story here, you have reached out. Connections are important. Find one that speaks to you and grab on. Good luck.

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  12. You basically just described my life.

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