I was raised with alcohol. From a very young age my dad would give me wine with dinner. We had a very full wine cellar in our house and as a teenager I would swipe bottles and drink them with my friends.
College was great fun, tons of parties, drinking every weekend. Lots of hangovers but I still made dean's list every semester.
Moved to New York to work an awful teaching job, started going to happy hour 2 to 3 days a week, and drinking well past that hour. Generally would miss at least one day of work a month because I was too hungover to get out of bed. And it continued like that for the next several years. My drinking was manageable, but it was an unhealthy amount and I hated that I wanted it so much.
Then I found out I was pregnant. Over 2 months along by the time I finally found out (had always had very irregular periods) and spent the rest of my pregnancy sober but in an absolute panic about the amount of alcohol I had drank before I knew. It was a lot. I was convinced my baby would be deformed or retarded or have fetal alcohol syndrome... I remember praying to God and telling him that if he let my baby be ok I would never touch another drop of alcohol... and I really thought I meant it. Well, he was born perfect.
He is now a beautiful and very smart 21-month-old. Within 3 weeks of his birth I was drinking again. Not too much because I was nursing. By the time he was 6 months old he was drinking bottles. And I started drinking bottles. Staying at home with my little guy was great but it gave me ample opportunity to get my drinking to an entirely unmanageable level.
It used to be one bottle of wine a night. Now it's a bottle of wine before my husband gets home and then a bottle when he's home. It's awful. It's not every night, but I can't go more than 3 or 4 nights without. It makes me hate myself so much and feel so guilty for being such a loser. My son deserves so much better, and as much as I know that and want to change for him, I just can't.
I wake up after a drinking night and the thoughts going through my head are always the same: This is it, I'm done, I'm going to Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm going to get sober. But a few days later the urge to drink kicks in and it's so strong and I try to fight it but it's too much. And I love drinking. Sitting outside, watching my son play, drinking the first of my many drinks is wonderful, makes me feel so happy and relaxed.
Thanks for reading, makes me feel a little better to admit to somebody how much I drink. Not even my husband knows that by the time he comes home I'm on my second bottle.
My friends don't know, my family doesn't know. But now you readers all know and it's kind of liberating.