I am a 25 year old single mother of the most stunningly beautiful and smart 3 year old little girl. I love being a mom and nothing brings me greater joy than my daughter, I am a bit obsessed with her to say the least. Becoming a mother has changed me for the better and given me a new sense of hope and purpose...or so I thought. I was on the longest high after the birth of my daughter and once I started making some familiar mistakes and getting some feelings of depression.
I have suffered from severe depression since I was about 12 and it also runs heavily in my family as well as alcoholism. Both my grandfathers were alcoholics and committed suicide. I've talked to numerous therapists, been in both inpatient and outpatient hospital programs and been taking anti-depressants. I feel as though I am on a roller coaster when it comes to being depressed, highs, lows and just maintaining. I have also struggled with an eating disorder and body dismorphic disorder. I got into some trouble as a teen with alcohol, getting 3 MIP's (minor in possession). I have so many regrets throughout my adolescence dealing with promiscuity that 99% of the time I hardly recall and alcohol is to blame every single time.
I have worked in the bar/restaurant scene since I was 15, the atmosphere is toxic. Once I became a bartender the temptation was always there and right in my grasp. I found myself sneaking shots whenever I could to "help bring my personality out" and making work seem less like work. I don't get to go out with friends and getting pregnant when I was 21 has got me thinking I am trying to make up for "loss time".
I hit an all time low when I got pulled over on the side of the highway performing sobriety tests. I was giggling and blowing it off because I was drunk, unaware of the severe consequences I was about to face. I sobered up real quick when I found myself locked up in a jail cell the night I got a DUI. I felt like the worst mother in the entire world. If I had killed myself I would have robbed my daughter of her mother whom she adores let alone if I took an innocents persons life. I would have to live with that my entire life more than likely behind bars again, robbing my daughter of her mother. I don't want my daughter to ever have to suffer because of my poor decisions and self destructive behavior.
I wound up getting fired recently from my job that I loved as a bartender from my boyfriend's uncle's bar....I drank so much I passed out right at work, while on the clock, twice. I am mortified to ever talk to his family again let alone see them. My boyfriend was extremely upset with my reckless behavior and was actually ashamed of me warning me if some major changes don't happen we can't be together.
I let down and disappointed so many people including myself. I am about 5' and 95 lbs, my body is just unable to consume that much alcohol and I forget how small I am when I try to keep up with the pace of everyone else's drinking.
I don't drink daily but almost every time I drink, I drink until I blackout. This is highly unacceptable on so many levels but the main one being I am a mother. I hold myself to an impossible standard when it comes to parenting because I am the ONLY one she has so I try to be perfect. When I make a mistake I beat myself up relentlessly and turn to drinking because I feel like a failure, worthless, unproductive. It is easier to numb those torturous feelings and thoughts.
I am embarrassed of my actions and inability to control my alcohol use, but more embarrassed to admit my problem although I know others are already aware of it. I don't like the thought of completely giving up alcohol I just want to be able to control the amount I drink. I drink way too much way too fast. I mess up because I drink and I drink because I mess up. I have chosen not to bar-tend any longer to avoid putting myself in these situations. I recently decided to stop buying alcohol for my home.
I don't want this problem to take control of my life and want to be the best mom I can be. I am in my own way.
I'm not sure what the next step is from here....