I am a 32 year old woman who is married with 4 children all under the ages of 11.
Two are technically step sons but we have full custody which wasn't what I expected to happen when I married my husband nearly 7 years ago. They are better with us and I love them. My whole life I have done things fast, wanted things to work out a certain way.
So when I announced that I was buying a home, moving in with my now fiancee and his two boys, after only 6 short months no one was too surprised I immediately wanted a baby of my own, and within two years had a little girl and a little boy. My husband worked nights as a bartender and I worked days as a special education teacher. So we rarely spent any time together, and I began to resent my lone responsibility every night taking care of 4 kids while trying to write lesson plans.
My addiction didn't begin with alcohol, instead it started after two foot surgeries and an endless supply of lortabs. At first, I took them as directed, but it wasn't long until I craved them. I remember telling my husband I was a better mother, housekeeper with my pills. It became an obsession for me. I was always counting how many I had left, and trying to figure out how to get more. I did things that am incredibly ashamed of at one point stealing my dying grandfathers percocets.
Through it all I thought I was functioning just fine, I had my pills all day and a few glasses of wine at night which "helped me sleep". One night, I drank entirely too much and took too many pills. I awoke foggy headed the next day to both my parents and my husband doing their best at attempting an intervention. I decided to go that day with my mom, but was terrified and quite frankly didn't believe I was an addict and had no desire to stop. Against my husbands wishes, I enrolled in an outpatient program because I had a 3 month old son at home (which I used as an excuse to not stay). I attended the sessions daily, and enjoyed the opportunity to open up.
Throughout this entire experience I would introduce myself as having depression. I never mentioned the word addict because that wasn't me. During each break, I would go to the bathroom to get my pills out and take a couple. Ironically, I became quickly bonded with a women who also suffered pill addiction, and she introduced herself as an addict. I kept my act up did my time, and then went home with the promise to my mother that I would wean off the rest of my pills. I did manage to eventually run out of pills, and I can't describe the panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn't deal with life sober. So I didn't, I began to drink wine every night after the kids were in bed. One bottle would equal two bottles etc.
My husband began to notice the empty bottles which caused me to become defensive and begin stashing them all over the house. I remember even hiding 3 bottles of liquor in my sons diaper genie (which was empty). My husband would find the bottles and line them up on the counter top as if to show me what I already knew....I was drinking too much. My drinking has caused such a wedge between my husband and I that I feel like I''m waiting for him to leave me.
I recently switched from wine to hard liquor which I hoped would slow me down, now I drink about a fifth of vodka a night. This entire time, I have convinced myself that my life was running smoothly and I wasn't hurting anyone but me.
Here is a short summary of my last three years- Lost my teaching job when pregnant with my youngest son, went into a deep depression and begin mixing pills with alcohol, went to rehab (sort of), husband lost his job, our home burnt down last Nov., we had to live in two rental home before our home was fixed, now we are home and can't afford beds for everybody because we had to live off the money from the fire, our home in is foreclosure, I got the job of my dreams, my truck was repoed, lost the job of my dreams because I was fired for forging my managers name on my foreclosure paperwork because she was out of the building that day (stupid mistake).
So that is where alcohol has gotten me and despite reading this terribly depressing list I'll probably talk myself into having just one more drink today. I need to stop, I know otherwise my life is stuck in spin cycle, but I just don't know how or maybe I'm just not ready to admit out loud what I know inside: I'm an alcoholic. I'm scared of life sober, scared of what I don't know exactly. I am just ready to be happy.
Thanks for any help you could offer,