Saturday, March 23, 2013

Today The Guilt Is Tearing Me Up. Day 3.

***Submitted by Anonymous

Today is 3 day sober.

I know I am alcoholic. This is the 2nd time that I have tried to stop drinking. The first time I went for 29 days without a single drop (Dec 2012). I am 33 years old, 3 kids (13, 6, and 4) and married to an amazing husband. I am depressed, crying, feeling guilty about EVERYTHING, etc.....

The reason I have stopped drinking this time is because I had to work on St Patrick's day. (I work in a bar/restaurant). Met my coworkers at the neighboring bar and consume 4 drinks in a 40 min span and went off to work. During my work hours I continued to do car bombs, etc. I got totally drunk.

Drank more after work and came home to my family. Monday~ feeling pretty crappy about it I received a text from my boss telling me he needs to have a meeting with me. I know I am just going to get a slap on the hand from him, but still.

So this is the end of my drinking story but let me tell you about the beginning. I love to drink....makes me feel powerful.

I started drinking at the age of sixteen. I even was named the "biggest partier" in my senior year. College was a mess...went to a Christian College that didn't allow drinking and I did to the point that I am no longer in contact with any of them. I was there for 2 years.

Partied with drugs and booze nonstop that I failed all of my classes. Jump a few years that include a horrible ex husband and a kid on my hip. Moved around the country and finally came back to my home town. Had a little bit of control until I met my future husband who also loved to party (until he grew out of it) We got married had two more kids. Had a great job and then decided to be a stay at home mom full time. Now I thought it would be okay to have a glass of wine while the kids played which led to multiple bottles in one day. Fast forward 6 years.

I hide booze from my husband constantly, I start to drink around noon on some days 2:30 on others. I have had so many black outs since the end of January. I can drink anything straight out of the bottle and before I know it the whole bottle is GONE. I even have drank dry sherry to the last drop. 

I have had conversations with my kids, husband, family, friend and cannot recall any of the topics that were discussed. I have read some of the posts on your blog and it all sounds like I have written them.

I put my older brother through rehab and he is back to drinking again. My whole family drinks to excess except for my mother.

I make the dumbest mistakes when I am tanked and the next day the guilt is horrible. I do not want to go to AA for my own reasons.

Just wanted to tell someone. Today the guilt is tearing me up.

10 comments:

  1. The guilt and shame is awful isn't it. I said to my husband this morning that the best part of my day now is not waking up to the guilt and shame anymore. Getting honest and sober is hard, but it's so freaking worth it. I too work in the restaurant industry so I get that drinking to excess is the norm for so many people at work. It doesn't have to be your norm anymore. At the end of my drinking I was consuming enough booze to put myself in a coma, was hoping for a horrible accident so I would die and desperate to not continue the loop of insanity I was on. I chose AA and it worked for me but there are lots of support groups out there to help that are not AA-the point is it's much easier to get sober, and stay sober with help. Continue reaching out and continue being honest like you were today and just don't drink today-tomorrow try for the same. You are not alone, there is so much of me in your story and I'm sure lots of you in mine. Peace and love to you. xxoo

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    Replies
    1. YES, to wake up without GUILT AND SHAME is one of the MANY MANY gifts of sobriety. It was hard to walk into AA, admit that I am alcoholic (kinda like pregnant, you either are or are not)and ask for help. It has been extremely hard to continue to ask for help one day at a time ... but I have learned to do it. The best part is also being able to carry the message to the still suffering alcoholic and to tell you of the HOPE we found in sobriety. You are not alone, let us love you until you can love yourself. Ask for help. Love, peace and serenity.

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  2. You can fix the problems, I have faith in your abilities even if you don't. Stopping is hard as you know from your 29 day run late last year but it can be done and we are some of the women who have done it. AA was not the answer for me either; I quit before the web was invented, and it was hard. You have easy access via Internet to lots of people who can encourage you and rejoice each sober day with you. Keep writing....

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  3. Check out Women for Sobriety. If you google it, you will find it and they have an online forum that is super helpful. Thanks for sharing your story.

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  4. Repliers here have told you " it's much easier to get sober, and stay sober with help" - I would remove the first part of that and rephrase it to say, "the ONLY way to abstain and live a healthy life of recovery , , , is to ask for help"

    "Stopping is hard" - many who have gone before you will state that "stopping is EASY" - learning to do this life thing while staying stopped,,, well,, THAT'S hard - I mean it's really really difficult - but it can be done, and it has been done by so many women who post here on this blog. I'm not talking about white knuckling it. I'm talking about learning how to live life on LIFE'S terms, not on yours.

    Look, we alcoholics have similar characteristic traits - far too many to list here. A few of our red-flag traits are: we're control freaks and we try (oh so very very hard) to orchestrate our lives, to design the outcome of our daily life from the moment we arise from our beds. We haven't learned how to turn our lives over to a Higher Power, to recognize that we CAN'T control persons, places, and things. And when we attempt to do so,, we place ridiculous expectations upon ourselves and others - the expectations rarely play out in our favor and , , ,

    BAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    There we lie,, immersed in resentments - the number one reason to drink, btw. Just sayin. Acceptance is our only recourse. You do state , straight up, "I know I'm an alcoholic" - but knowing this and "feeling it" deep within our gut - therein lies the difference.

    Each time you pick up again, you'll be right where you left off. Only difference is that you'll land further down, our "bottom" drops as we "progress" in our disease. Until we're left with know more choices because we've either died or been sent to prison.

    YOU can't do this alone. Really, seek out - there are endless resources. Often we say, "I don't want to 'do AA' " because truthfully, we'd rather find an easier, gentler way.

    This business of being a drunk, which is what you and I are,,, is serious business. We have to grab hold tightly while permitting another who has got some sober time to guide us.

    And last, you mentioned it in your post - you know alcoholism is genetic - but it is also learned behavior. I urge you to stop the behavior and begin educating your kids on the importance of abstaining. The family cycle of this disease can be broken. I know, because so far I'm seeing it being severed as my adult children refrain from drinking,...

    You'll find serenity, no need to live in remorseful shame and guilt,, you'll learn to accept those things you cannot change - and develop wisdom and courage to change that which you can.
    ~ peace and sober living is yours if you want it

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  5. The one most valuable lesson I FINALLY HAD TO LEARN was it's not the 4th 5th 6th Drink or even the Entire bottle that kept me drunk, it was the FIRST drink that ALWAYS lead me back down the path of alcoholism. It took me many years ( and many horrific problems ) to understand I had to not pick up the first drink. I struggled for awhile but my sobriety was founded on that principle. It has worked for me. Several years later I rarely even think about alcohol, thankfully I'm not around it much.

    I know one thing for sure, if I do not pick up the first drink I will never get drunk again.
    It's so simple, but initially certainally not easy. I learned many coping skills and had alot of support in AA, but not everyone gets sober through that fellowship. If you choose not to attend meetings I would suggest at least reading the book and keeping it near by in early sobriety. Keep sharing.

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  6. Bravo to you for reaching out, the shame and guilt we feel so often cause us to hide from ourselves and the help that's available.
    For myself, I had to tell the people close to me and head to AA for help. By being open it allowed me accountability because I was inclined to hide it all, living two lives which in reality weren't two lives.
    When you're a drunk at a level which you are describing chances are folks around you know it, don't let the shame stop you from taking the life available to you.

    Sobriety isn't easy, it's the hardest, most beautiful thing I've ever done.

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  7. I experienced my first black out last weekend. It was horrible and terribly embarassing. I swore I would never pick up a drink again. Have ? Yes. It is a struggle I do not know if I am strong enough to fight right now. things have to change, and fast. It that wasn't a wake up call, I don't know what it's going to take. A DUI? A car accident?

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  8. PLEASE know that, although AA works for some, it doesn't work for everyone. There are other options out there like SMART Recovery, Women for Sobriety, Life Ring, individual therapy, etc. Consider reading Anne M. Fletcher's SOBER FOR GOOD and, more recently, INSIDE REHAB. Amazing books. My best to you!

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  9. "The one most valuable lesson I FINALLY HAD TO LEARN was it's not the 4th 5th 6th Drink or even the Entire bottle that kept me drunk, it was the FIRST drink that ALWAYS lead me back down the path of alcoholism. It took me many years ( and many horrific problems ) to understand I had to not pick up the first drink. I struggled for awhile but my sobriety was founded on that principle."

    I could have written that statement as well Justmekpv. It is so very true, and until this time, never made sense, but now 'one day at a time' is my mantra and it is such a relief to only have to be concerned with this day.

    Anonymous - you're at a great and helpful site. Keep coming back and taking it one day at a time!
    Sunny Sue

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