***Submitted by Anonymous (from November 2012)
I am so thankful I found your blog this weekend...how ironic as it was Thanksgiving weekend.
I am 35 years old and should have seen this coming. Before I was married and had ever seriously thought about having children, if the topic of being a stay at home mom came up in conversation my response was "Oh, I could never be a stay at home mom, I'd end up an alcoholic". Fast forward 10-15 years, I am married, have two beautiful, healthy children, a great job (no, I am not a stay at home mom) and I am an alcoholic.
I didn't discover alcohol until college. I went to a "party school" and took part in the binge drinking that plagues college campuses. I graduated, landed a job that paid just enough to cover my living expenses and moved out on my own. I frequented happy hours after work with fellow young, single coworkers. We drank Friday and Saturday nights until the wee hours of the morning but that was the norm.
I met the man that I would eventually marry. We both enjoyed a beer/cocktail together but it by no means defined our relationship. Three years after marrying we had our first child. She was beautiful and I love her more than anything but she wouldn't stop crying. So, while on maternity leave the happy hours started earlier and earlier. I went back to work and eventually transitioned as best I could to being a working mom. I started to use my nightly beer/wine/cocktail as a way to cope with the chaos (messy house, no money thanks to daycare, balancing husband, baby and a dying father-in-law). Eventually, I was hiding beer bottles in my closet so my husband didn't know how much I was actually drinking. I thought that if he really felt I was drinking too much he would find them. The closet is the first spot you'd look.
My second child is born and he too is beautiful and healthy. I survived maternity leave with two kids. I returned to a great job that I really do enjoy. At some point the vodka bottles replaced the beer bottles. (They're easier to dispose of than the beer bottles.) Now (last week) I can drink almost 2 bottles of wine or 1/2 bottle of vodka (750ml) and be functioning and up for work in the morning. I think that is what scared me the most....how bad will I let this get?? A year ago if I drank 2 bottles of wine I would be throwing up and stuck in bed hungover for a day. So, here I am. I have decided I have no option but to stop completely. I think having none will be much easier for me than one. I know just one is not possible for me anymore. I have way too much to lose to let this continue. I have managed to avoid ruining my relationship with my husband and harming my kids (my biggest fear) so I consider myself lucky.
I am struggling with how to handle this from here. My husband doesn't know the extent of my problem. Work functions always involve happy hour or dinners that include all the alcohol one could possibly desire. Family parties include a plethora of alcoholic beverage options. If you decide not to drink everyone assumes you're pregnant. It almost seems like it would be easiest to just have a t-shirt made that says "No, I don't want a drink... I am an alcoholic" and wear it to the next work happy hour, family function, college roommate get-together. Many people talk about meetings but I live in such a small community I'm not sure I want to out myself just yet.
I'd appreciate guidance from you all. This site is my support system right now. I actually feel like I'm not alone after reviewing the posts.