Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Day One and Facing the Witching Hour

***Submitted by Anonymous

This is the first time I have written to Crying Out Now; I first want to say thank you. I have been reading on the site for the last several weeks, it has been an eye opener and a support as I have struggled with the long, lingering question of my alcohol use--alcoholic, functioning alcoholic, binge drinker? At this moment , the label doesn't concern me, just my need to stop drinking does.

My story is so similar to many of you, wife, mother, professional, full time job (until a few months ago, now out of work). Volunteer at school, member of the community, lots of friends, athlete. Began drinking at 15 and never looked back. The high of drinking, the feelings of joy, freedom, fun was completing addicting to me as a self conscious teen, one who hid all real feeling and pretended life was great! Alcohol was the perfect cover. It still is.

I've suffered from depression off and on since my twenties all related to being victimized as a child. I held it together really well for a long time (well I thought so) until a couple of years ago. The depression came back with peri-menopause and with it lots of memories of trauma. Like the good girl I am, I went back into therapy, it's been a tough road,,,I  found myself drinking every night, started with one glass of wine during the week, some more on the weekend. A few binges during the year but I was "fine", covered it all up, nothing out of the ordinary.

But something has shifted, the two to three glasses per night turned into a bottle a night a few weeks ago, black outs, being drunk at home, passing out. Scary.

After reading the site daily for these weeks, I made the decision yesterday its time to stop. For good, forever. I told my husband last night, I want to be accountable and honest. I feel I can do it,,but ugh…I so miss drinking right now..it's the "witching hour" making dinner, waiting for hubby to come home,,I'd usually be 2 glasses in by now and feeling the freedom.

I am writing to keep myself from driving to the store to buy wine..I will stay home and power through…thanks for listening.

5 comments:

  1. You can do this! Hang in there!! Be proud of yourself. How can you distract yourself from the "itch" - get out the trouble game - play with the kids? Read a book to them? Play an online game - words with friends, angry birds? Find what works for you...everyone is cheering you on!

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  2. I found it hard to do alone ... alcohol is a liar and after the guilt ebbs and one feels better the denial creeps back in and says, "this time, you'll drink differently" ...if you find it hard to do alone, seek recovery in a program that works for you. For me it is AA and I celebrated 4 years sober last Saturday. My life is not perfect, still unmanageable at times but I have tools and coping skills to live "life on life's terms". Blessings!

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  3. Congratulate yourself for reaching out...and keep doing it. Do some research and find the support that will work for you - there are so many options...12 step programs, recovery coaches, addiction counselling. My experience was that I didn't "stop" and stay stopped for quite a while - but I did keep "stopping" and eventually - I stayed stopped. Don't beat yourself up if you can't win over this the first time out of the gate. Alcoholism is a brain disease - and like any other disease - it needs treatment of some sort. Be gentle with yourself - know that you are worthy of living a conscious, healthy life. You can do this.

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  4. That was my difficult time as well, when I first stopped drinking almost 3 and a half years ago. I called the dinner prep time/dinner hour the Bermuda Triangle of my day. For a few weeks, I would try to switch things up for that time, maybe get takeout and then go walking, just to get out of the house. I am a SAHM, so I did a lot of prep work ahead so I wouldn't be in the kitchen for as long.

    My story it much like yours. To stop, I joined an online group, Women For Sobriety. I am not on there much these days, but in the beginning I used to log on every morning and write in on a daily pledge thread, pledging not to drink today. As silly as it sounds, I felt accountable to someone other than myself and that helped me get through each day. I didn't go to AA or any other group.

    I hope that you are now on day 6 or so. Don't stop trying, it really is well worth it. Good luck.

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  5. I relate well to "the witching hour", it has become impossible for me to think of facing it sober at this point. I have tried to stop, or taper off, I always fall back into the same old pattern. I hope being on this website will provide the support I need. Knowing that there are others out there that feel the way I do is a wonderful start for me. thank you.

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