Friday, March 1, 2013

About To Break

***Submitted by Anonymous

I’m a 42 yr old stay at home mom.  My husband works construction, out of town… most of the time.  I have 11 yr old twin boys and an 18 yr old daughter.  A few years ago, my family and I decided to relocate to another state.  

I am not normally the type of person who has ever embraced “change” very well, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.  So here is where my sob story begins.  I have had nothing but bad luck since we moved.  The economy tanked…. We’ve had 5 deaths in our family / friend circle over the last 4 years.  I did try going to work, but ended up in horrible jobs.  I guess I was just spoiled by the one I left to move here (after working there for 13 yrs).  One of my twins was diagnosed with ADHD and possible tick disorders / OCD and other emotional disorders within the last year.  

Due to the economy in 2009, we lost our home.  We now live in a 3 bdrm house with my 89 yr old grandmother who cannot really live alone.  We have been here for about 3 yrs because I see that she cannot live alone and I don’t want to just leave her.  Basically, I feel like, how much can happen in such a short period of time to one family?  When will it ever stop?  Its like things just get worse and worse all the time.  

SO… I drink.  I drink a lot.  Probably for the past 3 years I have literally not gone one single day without drinking.  I wish I could say it was just wine… but its either rum or vodka.  I drink normally 6-8 drinks per night and I start in the afternoon.

I am sick of myself.  I have noticed that I don’t live.  I only exist.  I function throughout the day.  I get up and get my kids off to school, help with homework, meet with teachers, run them to the docs or their friends houses, cook dinner, etc.  I do everything I am supposed to do, I guess.  But I have no happiness or enjoyment in my life.  I feel lost.  

I feel like a totally different person than who I used to be.  I have a lot of black outs.  I have woken up quite a few times where my husband would be so upset with me for something I said the night before and I honestly couldn’t even remember the conversation.  I have woken up with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing something went wrong… only to find that I had vented about anything and everything on Facebook the night before (then I spend the next few minutes trying to delete everything fast.)  

I am ashamed.  I hate myself.  I feel worthless and pitiful.  I don’t know how my husband stays with me.  I don’t know how I have any friends left because I have managed to offend most of them.  I have lost faith in myself, and given up on God or any higher power and in a way I’ve even given up on “hope”.  Literally, I am empty.  

I’m just a shell with nothing but black inside.  I have been to one AA meeting.  I don’t think it’s for me because all those people did was make me want to drink more.  I’m not religious so the whole idea of putting my problem in the hands of a higher power really makes me uncomfortable.  This is MY fault… I have no one else to blame.  My kids and husband deserve better than this.  Yet I just keep drinking.  Almost every day… I wake up with some kind of regret or self disgust.  Yet everyday, I find myself a nervous, anxious wreck.  I can’t handle any stress.  It’s like the minute something happens I just freak out.  I want to run away.  I want to hide.  I do hide.

Recently (last week)… I went in for my annual checkup and my blood came back with elevated white blood cells and liver enzymes.  I just went in today for the retest but I’m sure nothing has changed in a week.  I have had an “inside voice” telling me that something is wrong.  I am bloated all the time.  My face is swollen and I’ve gained 30 lbs in just the last year.  I’m actually a little scared (of course, apparently not scared enough to stop drinking! Ugh)  So… today, I decided I would at least make an appointment with the behavioral health center.  I did the best I could to get through it without crying and pretty much managed up until the very last few minutes with the lady who was scheduling me.  She offered me a hug and I told her I wasn’t a hugger.  I am a classic introvert, but still… how rude is that?  What is wrong with me?  Anyway, I have an appointment in a couple of days.

My boys came home today and immediately started fighting.  My ADHD kid was screaming at me because he thought he lost his homework… and then he was screaming because he didn’t want to do it, “Its too hard!”  I offer to help… nothing stops him.  I just poured myself a rum and coke.  Told him when he was ready to calm down I would help him.  Its been about an hour and a half and he’s just now seeming to be willing to work.  My other twin just sits there and shakes his head.  He is also a victim of his brother’s tantrums.  

All I want to do is crawl in a hole.  Still have to make dinner.  I feel like this is just another day where I waste myself.    

Thank you for listening.

42 comments:

  1. poor me, poor me, pour me a drink!!!! whether you like it or not, you are not well physically, spiritually or emotionally-you are killing yourself w/ the booze and w/ your thinking. I didn't like going to meetings when I first went around the rooms-there was truth there and I did not like it!! Slowly, my mind cleared and I was able to recover!! I am grateful for recovery and the gifts that I have received because of it!!

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    1. This comment is right on the edge of acceptability... I know "poor me poor me pour me another drink" is a common expression in AA, but it could be misconstrued by someone who doesn't know that. Just wanted to make that clear.

      -Ellie

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    2. I agree-she might not have the support that's needed to understand this comment-everyone is not familiar with AA terminology & if she has no one to talk to daily-this pour me another drink statement-might cause her to do just that.

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  2. As much as you hated AA, that's where the help is and people who understand - who have been exactly where you are right now. Until you admit you need help and that you are powerless over the drink, it won't get better. It's going to take you making that first step, and then another and then another. You can do it, I hear in your story that you want things to be better, just reach out for help - it is there if you want it!

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  3. I'm supposed to be working but I saw this link that Ellie posted, and I had to stop and write to you. Not sure what I'm going to say but here goes.

    You need to go to inpatient rehab, I think. I don't know, at the rate you're drinking, if you can stop it yourself without some severe physical withdrawal. You have to stop drinking because you're killing yourself. That's only one reason to stop, you have kids and those are your biggest reasons.

    When my oldest was about 11, I started drinking and getting high. I had a great job, was a single mom and owned my own home, things were good...who would jeopardize that? I would. It's been over ten years since I touched drugs, and I only have the very occasional drink now, but the regret I piled up over the kind of mother I was during that time sticks to me like glue. So you really need to find a way to stop. You can do it. Think back to when you didn't drink, what life was like. Hold on to that, and move forward with getting help.

    Your body is rebelling against the poison you're putting into it. Excessive drinking has all kinds of health risks, particularly related to various cancers. A sweet friend of mine died last year of a brain tumor. She was a heavy drinker for years. Maybe she'd still be alive, we don't know. We just miss her terribly.

    Living with a child with ADHD is very difficult. My 7 year old was just diagnosed. It's disruptive to the entire household, I know how hard this is for your family because we're going through the same. There is a free webinar today given by ADDitude magazine, go on Facebook and find their page and it will be there, about how to manage children with ADHD. As parents we need all the help we can get. We put our son on stimulant medication and he does very well in school, up until about 5pm when it wears off. The ODD is directly related to the ADHD, and I hope that you have a good doctor advising you. I was very apprehensive to put my son on medication, but it has changed his life, he is so proud of being able to do his schoolwork on his own and he rarely gets in trouble at school. If he's overly defiant at home, you can ask your doctor if there is another medication you can add (we've considered Intuniv) after school or at bedtime to help him with behavior issues. Go on youtube and find Dr. Russell Barkley, he is a distinguished scientist who has devoted his career to studying ADHD and helping kids and families. You don't have to deal with this alone, there are lots of resources. Just that one issue, having a child with ADHD, can put a family over the edge. Reach out, find help, don't go it alone.

    Please get help and stop drinking. You can do it. I remember how life was when I was drinking and getting high; I wouldn't go back there for anything. You can get free of this, too. Go back to AA, you don't have to be religious to sit and listen to the stories of your fellow alcoholics and find a sponsor who can help you through. Give it another chance. I hope you go today.

    I don't know you at all but I'll be thinking of you, hoping you know that someone cares what happens, and believing that you can do this. You can do this. You can DO THIS.

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    1. "Very occasional drink"? How does that work?

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    2. A few drinks a year. That's how it works.

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    3. An alcoholic can have a few drinks a year? Really?

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    4. (just to be clear, I am the "Anonymous" from the original post)

      I guess the problem for me with AA is that I feel its my fault and I can't just throw my hands in the air and say I am "powerless." Maybe I am misinterpreting it. I don't know. I did go to the behavioral health center and I have an appt. with a substance abuse specialist. I feel that by taking action to get myself help is "taking control." Does that make sense? I am not powerless... I am taking my power back.

      Thank you for all the info on the ADD stuff. I will take any advice I can get.

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    5. I was not an alcoholic. Please keep the focus on the original poster.

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    6. We are not going to close this thread just yet, but we're close.

      Kathryn - people have a strong reaction to the idea of "occasional" drinks because this site is for alcoholics (in recovery and not) and people who want to stop drinking. Occasional drinks are not an option for them, and it is a dangerous concept (and a big part of peoples' denial) to think they can.

      People's comments and opinion are welcome here as long as they aren't personal or confrontational.

      -Co-Moderators

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    7. Thank you to the moderators for this clarification. I think it's a dangerous thing to put it out there if you are an alcoholic or addict and claim to self moderate.

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    8. THERE ARE SITES SUCH AS 24/7HELPYOURSELF.COM-THAT WELCOME PEOPLE WHO WANT ABSTINENT,CONTROL DRINKING OR WANT TO MODERATE THEIR DRINKING. I USE WHATEVER SUPPORT I CAN FIND-HOWEVER I RESPECT EACH SITES INTENTIONS & IF THEIR SUPPORT MODEL IS TOTAL ABSTINENT AND SINCE THAT'S WHAT I WANT THEN I'M GRATEFUL I ENCOUNTERED CON. THANKS!

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    9. Wow. I shared my story and support for the poster. I can understand how people might have a strong reaction, but that is not an excuse for rude behavior OR for stalking me on my own blog. "Anonymous" (or some other person from this board, but nobody else is so concerned about what I posted) showed up there to post a comment asking me why I was posting on CON. Really? You're going to stalk someone back to their blog and post a comment totally unrelated to my post over there? That's creepy.

      While you say above this is a site for alcoholics, your description says women speaking about addiction and recovery, not specifically alcoholics. I'm sincerely sorry if I misunderstood. I'm also pretty disappointed in the response to my honesty.

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    10. We're sorry you feel that way, Kathryn, and equally sorry if someone who reads this blog posted something disrespectful on your personal blog; there's no excuse for that, but obviously we can't control peoples' behavior. You were expressing your opinion and we respect that. Our definition of addiction includes the concept that addicts can't have an occasional drink, but that doesn't mean you aren't entitled to your own views, which is why we tried to explain the strong reaction. We don't censor comments that aren't hurtful, and yours wasn't, but we felt we needed to clarify for anyone suffering from addiction who may be looking for an excuse to drink or use, and any hint that this site would advocate for occasional usage needed to be clarified.

      -Co-Moderators, Crying Out Now

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    11. I am the Original Poster...

      Kathryn... I hope you know that I appreciate yours and all other responses to my original post. It's hard to tell who posted what when everyone posts "anonymous". I don't take anything anyone says as being "mean" to me. I have accepted that part of my healing will have to be hearing things I don't want to hear. I didn't see you as being disrespectful. I need to hear these things from all points of view and it does help me. I have not stopped drinking yet. I have a follow up tomorrow with my PC and an appt with a Substance Abuse Specialist on Friday. At this point I am a little afraid to quit cold turkey. I want to talk to a pro first. I will update here as I can... and when I have something new to say. I just don't want to stop talking. This is further than I have ever been before.

      Even the person who posted "Pour Me... Pour Me" at the beginning didn't upset me. It reminded me of a country song and it made me laugh.. and its so true! I am gonna make myself better. I am. And I am grateful to have such a place to express myself, without judgement.

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  4. Ahhh...that was so me nearly 3 years ago. I grew up an atheist and I was so against going to the meetings at first. The friend who became my sponsor convinced me to go telling me that I had 'contempt prior to investigation'. I had to make my sober friends and the meeting itself my higher power. Your higher power can be anything you want, even a rock. I think the key is realizing that YOU are not in control. (And if you were in control, then you could just put your big girl panties on and just stop, right? Ahhh....but you don't, do you? Then you're not in control.) Sometimes just acting 'as if' you believe in something is enough to make a shift in yourself. I have gotten on my knees and prayed to a "God" that I don't believe in just to see if it worked. Strangely, it did. Do I think a little old man sitting in a white throne in the clouds took the problem away? No. I think I triggered something in myself or in the collective energy to make my problem go away.
    I'll tell you something else my sponsor told me. He said that I should just try to get through today without drinking or using. If I wanted to drink or use tomorrow, well then that was fine. Just get through today. He said that when I was about to drink and use, I should call him and if he thought it was a good enough reason, he'd come and drink and use with me. (He was sober 14 years and I never found a reason good enough for HIM to go out.)
    It gets easier, I promise. I have a 5 year old that spends half the day screaming at me. My husband is still using and is heading quickly towards his rock bottom. I used to think dealing with all the stress was easier when I was drunk and high. It's SOOO much easier now. I have so much more patience. I promise you. Try another meeting. Sometimes you have to shop around to find the right meeting for you. They're all so different. And go with an open mind. Realize that everyone there is screwed up in their own way and will do what they need to do to stay sober, even it if it means being sanctimonious or whiny. Once you go to a few meetings, you WILL hear your own story. You CAN do this.

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  5. Did someone delete my post? It sure seems like it. AA is not the only answer. There are other groups that are much more suited to some of us. Women For Sobriety was my saving grace. If I'm not free to say that here, I will remove myself from this "safe" place.

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    1. This is a place where all points of view and recovery methods are welcome. The only thing we don't tolerate are insults or nastiness. WFS is an amazing program and talking about it here is more than welcome!

      -Ellie

      P.S. - I didn't delete your comment. Not sure what happened?

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    2. Ahhh OK, idk what happened either. Sorry I got all cranky. I'm a little on edge from my first day giving up Facebook (yes, I was addicted to that too blah)
      Anyway WFS really did save my life. I had tried so many times to get and stay sober; and just could not do it. I needed to learn new life and coping skills. Alcohol was my answer to everything...turns out it was causing most of my problems. It took me a couple months of sobriety to figure that one out!
      These are the acceptance statements that the programs is based off of.
      WFS "NEW LIFE" ACCEPTANCE STATEMENTS

      1. I have a life-threatening problem that once had me.
      I now take charge of my life and my disease. I accept the responsibility.

      2. Negative thoughts destroy only myself.
      My first conscious sober act must be to remove negativity from my life.

      3. Happiness is a habit I will develop.
      Happiness is created, not waited for.

      4. Problems bother me only to the degree I permit them to.
      I now better understand my problems and do not permit problems to overwhelm me.

      5. I am what I think.
      I am a capable, competent, caring, compassionate woman.

      6. Life can be ordinary or it can be great.
      Greatness is mine by a conscious effort.

      7. Love can change the course of my world.
      Caring becomes all important.

      8. The fundamental object of life is emotional and spiritual growth.
      Daily I put my life into a proper order, knowing which are the priorities.

      9. The past is gone forever.
      No longer will I be victimized by the past, I am a new person.

      10. All love given returns.
      I will learn to know that others love me.

      11. Enthusiasm is my daily exercise.
      I treasure all moments of my new life.

      12. I am a competent woman and have much to give life.
      This is what I am and I shall know it always.

      13. I am responsible for myself and for my actions.
      I am in charge of my mind, my thoughts, and my life.
      To make the Program effective for you, arise each morning fifteen minutes earlier than usual and go over the Thirteen Affirmations. Then begin to think about each one by itself. Take one Statement and use it consciously all day. At the end of the day review the use of it and what effects it had that day for you and your actions.

      ---------------------------

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  6. Wow do I know how you feel. I was in that same spot for years. Everyday waking up wondering what I did the night before, cursing myself in the mirror. Full of self hate. It was awful. I had people very close to me who had gotten sober and were happy, but I didn't think I needed to stop drinking. It took me getting arrested for a 2nd DUI to finally ask for help. It was scary and I felt lost, but I didn't know what else to do so I tried it. I checked myself into a detox and then went to AA every day when I got out. I was desperate so I did everything they told me to do and guess what...my life got better. A LOT better. I have been sober 2 1/2 years and I am happy today. Life has not been easy for me since I got sober. I didn't have a license for 17 months. My ex-husband and my grandfather died within a week of each other and many other things. I was able to handle all of those things so much better being sober than I ever did drinking.

    I'm not a doctor, but it sounds like you are experiencing so pretty scary symptoms from alcohol. Please don't ignore them and be truthful with your doctors about your drinking even though it is terrifying. Your life may depend on it.

    And give AA another chance. I'm not religious either so I get what you're saying about that too, but AA is not a religious program unless you want it to be so give it a shot. Go and keep going. It will be confusing at first, but it you are open minded and willing to make some changes in your life, your life will get better. I didn't believe it when I started my journey, but life is SO much better sober. You can do this...all you need to do is take that first step and reach out and ask for help. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. xo

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  7. The only requirement for membership in AA is a desire to stop drinking. I did not like my first meeting that much, thought the book was old, etc., but something kept me going back. And that was the glue that I needed for the "not drinking" to stick. It works! As others have said, your higher power can be the meeting itself or the universe or nature or whatever you want. I found that doing sobriety alone was feasible but much more difficult than it needed to be. People with drinking problems tend to isolate themselves, and going to meetings gets us out and about and reminds us that we're not alone. Imagine not waking up with all that guilt! It is AMAZING. I would also tell anyone thinking of quitting booze to get a doctor's advice about the need to detox (or not) from all the alcohol.

    Sue

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  8. Honey, I have been in that dark hell-hole too. I saw no way out, no hope, felt empty and completely void. In fact I was there 4 months ago. I want to tell you 2 things.... One, you are not alone, countless women have felt and do feel exactly as you do right now. And two, there is hope, there really and truly is. For starters, keep reading, searching for blogs like this, and join the Yahoo Booze Free Brigade message board. You'll come to realize that drinking helps nothing, it only makes things worse. Worry about AA later when you are out from under the death grip of alcohol. You certainly won't feel worse by not drinking, only better. And it does get better. You may need to get some medical help for withdrawing from alcohol and I urge you to do it. You are worth it.

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  9. You made the appointment! Good for you! Your first step towards getting better. That's actually huge. Next step: showing up for the appointment. This is how you stop drinking - one step at a time. It all adds up. Maybe your next step is another AA meeting. Maybe it's not. There's lots of different ways to stop drinking and you'll find the one that's right for you. It doesn't much matter WHAT your next step is, as long as it's in the direction of not drinking. You will crawl out of that hole and when you do, the other things in your life will start to change as well.

    Some other small steps you can take today which will show you that you're not alone and that you can get better:
    Listen to a few episodes of the Bubble Hour (instructions here: http://www.cryingoutnow.com/p/the-bubble-hour.html).
    Check out the Booze Free Brigade Yahoo group at http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Booze_free_brigade/.
    Try another AA meeting. Even if AA isn't the way for you, you can still go to a meeting and be around people who are also learning to live without drinking.

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  10. You're on the right track. It takes a lot of courage to post your story here, so be proud of yourself for taking this step.

    It also takes a lot of courage to step into that first AA meeting, it's so frightening and we feel so vulnerable. Honestly, after I darted out of my first AA meeting, I stopped to buy a bottle of wine. I thought "I'm pretty sure this is not the desired effect." But it wasn't the AA meeting that made me drink, it was my lack of coping skills; I had no idea how to be vulnerable without a bottle of wine. I recently shared this experience with my sponsor and her advice was to try a lot of different meetings because they are not all the same. I don't have enough experience yet to tell you what to look for when selecting a meeting (speaker, step, etc), but just keep trying them out for size.

    You'll get there, you took a big step today by posting your story. And hopefully you know from these posts that you are not alone. Try joining the BFB yahoo group, the BFB facebook group, etc -- you'll get so much strength and love from others who are walking this same journey. You are not alone!

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  11. Just know that you are not alone. There are many of us - women especially but also men - who live or lived in a private drinking hell in the home, slowly dying inside by numbing our emotions everyday. And just also know that it is possible to change, it really is. Know that you can change, decide to change, then strap yourself in and take the leap. Get whatever help you need and go for it! You have the strength and spirit inside yourself to live alcohol free, we all do. Find the help and support you need and do it! I promise you it is possible. It is hard at times - especially when emotional stuff comes along and we have to deal with it raw - but it is possible. Sending lots of positive vibes your way from New Zealand xxxx

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  12. When I was drinking, I realized that, in a way, I was trying to erase myself. I called my blackout drunk self "Blotto" because I wanted to blot everything out. I had been a fun party girl but by the end of my drinking there was nothing fun. The day I decided I had had enough and reached my "bottom" I went into an AA meeting and someone told me, "Just remember 2 things....1. Love yourself 2. Don't drink". I was in such a fog and so desperate that I did just that. I desperately needed direction and help because my drinking had scared me so much.
    These are the words of wisdom I want to share with you. You are worth sobriety. You, beautiful, amazing you. You are giving so much of yourself every day, helping your sons, your grandmother with your husband far away. Now it is time to care for yourself. This is REALLY hard for those of us who hate ourselves. But its like a vicious circle, isn't it. We get drunk, then feel ashamed. Then drink to not feel the shame. What a nightmare! We learned to use alcohol to numb out, to escape. It is not our fault---we are alcoholics. We drink. It was our solution. But alcohol will kill us. Your story sounds SO similar to mine. I could have written your exact words two years ago: my husband travels all the time, I have three kids, one of my sons has severe OCD, etc. I have now been sober 19 months and my life is SO MUCH BETTER. You are not alone, sister. There are many, many others who feel like us. We are here for you. Keep reaching out and just don't drink. Whatever you do. Put that drink down and don't pick it up again. Do it for YOU. No matter what, don't drink. I promise sobriety is SO MUCH BETTER. Send lots of compassion. Just remember 2 things....1. Love yourself 2. Don't drink.

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  13. Welcome.. whether face-to-face or on the internet,, it can be a challenge to write about abusing drugs and alcohol, especially when we are responsiblle for children. You appear functional; accomplishing daily tasks, but please be aware your three children are fully aware of your alcohol abuse. Know too, that they will remember this and as moms we are affecting our kids in a profound way.

    Something to consider regarding your medical condition. When our liver functions are compromised we are entering devestating territory. Yes, the liver is a forgtiving organ, HOWEVER,, when we enter the final stage of alcoholism (which is liver failure) we are at that point of no return - the liver canNOT regenerate when this amount of damage has occurred. Hopefully you'll take your abnormal liver funtion tests as a serious alert. Despite how far we've come in addiction education, many medical doctors do not speak openly and honestly with their patients regarding abuse signs - largely because they lack resources. Please do some reading on the stages of alcoholism - it is a disease and unless arrested it is fatal.

    It is tremendous that you have contacted Behavioral Health. I only have this to add; I am a Licensed Drug and Alcohol Counselor,, hopefully you completed a chemical dependence assessment. In patient treatment would be a terrific resource for you. It would permit you some time to learn about your illness, restore your health, and collaborate with your counselor on an aftercare plan.

    Whichever route you choose (and there are MANY resources) the key factor is to REEACH OUT FOR HELP!!!! Please keep us posted. We are your sisters in the disease of alcoholism - it is a WE thing,. Can't go it alone!!

    ps - I moved a thousand miles away from my home, family, church, friends, career because "it seemed the right thing to do""
    In retrospect, it was the fuel to ignite my addiction. I get you! Now go get some comprehensive care!!!

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  14. I was in the same place 18 months ago. My son has autism. My husband has a chronic illness and lost his job. I drank wine every night. Started in the afternoon to take the edge off and deal with the tantrums. My husband confronted me, so I started to hide it. Then I got arrested for drunk driving. Twice. Name in the paper. Totaled my car. Public humiliation. But, I'm lucky. I'm alive. I didn't hurt or kill anyone. I spent one day in prison. Life is hard now dealing with the consequences, but slowly getting better. Now that I don't drink, the anxiety and depression has lifted. I am a survivor. I feel better than I have ever felt. It is worth it. You are worth it.

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  15. I had to be dragged into my first meeting, what was I so afraid of? I was afraid that if I walked through the door, I would have to admit I had a problem. Well, I had a problem, I almost died from alcohol poisoning. My wakeup call was coming to and the doctor telling my family that I was lucky to be alive. I have two beautiful daughters, what was I doing to them? My mom had to take me, I was so ashamed to go to a meeting....but it really helped, because everyone in those rooms have been where you are now. And that's what you need, no judgement. Yes, some of the people are too religious for me, but I took what I could and learned some new coping skills. You are very brave to have posted this, you are reaching out and somewhere deep inside, you want your life to get better. I know it is hard to believe now, when you are feeling so empty, but it will get better and life's problems are always easier to deal with when you are sober. Drinking is a full-time job, and not a great one at that. It will ruin your marriage, your children and your health. I wish you luck, we are all here for you!

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  17. just a follow up - people are sober through different programs. i shared what has been working for me , not looking to push the program on you that i use. :)

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  18. Everyone comes at this from their own experiences and this is mine... because I see myself in you. My son is ADD and while he was going through grade school I started to lean on alcohol to the point that I was abusing it. And that's as far as it got with me because I stopped. i got sacred. I went to my family doctor and spilled my guts and he laughed. He laughed! He said that if I thought I had a problem then almost everyone he knows has the same problem. I was drinking two beers a night and then wine. But it was every-night, even if I was sick. I knew I was on a slippery slope. And thank God I stopped. But by the time I stopped my son who was suddenly 17 (where did the time go) started. He is now 32 and suffers with alcoholism. I feel guilty, I'll always feel guilty. You've gone for help and as a Mom who has been there, I am so proud of you! - follow your gut - keep asking for help. I know you know this already - drinking doesn't make things any easier - it makes everything harder. You might be a person who can't drink. Keep asking questions - lean on others - and just like with any other disease - sometimes it's not pretty - sometimes we're not in control - but when you let others in and forgive yourself for whatever your feeling bad about - it will all get easier. For any one who has been in your shoes we know how your feeling and want to help you get through this. And you will get through this - don't give up. You have a beautiful family who loves you and depends on you and they won't always been there - you need to be there for them now. Your not alone - you CAN do this. Hugs to you and your family : D

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  19. Dear sweet mom of 3,
    I can identify with almost every word you said and my heart aches for you. You have so much on your plate and so much grief to bear, it is over whelming. I was in the very same place and drowning myself in alcohol. I knew it wasn't healthy but it helped numb me to function. And that is all I was doing. I didn't enjoy anything, look forward to any thing. I had no reason to live. Except, wait, my beautiful kids and husband! Eventually I began putting one foot in front of the other. I went to an addiction therapist and just talking helped. She and a provider put me on Meds to help with depression and cravings. I started with baby steps, joined the BFB, intherooms.com, thebubblehour.com. And eventually went to AA. I didn't want to go there, I thought "I am better than those people and there is no God..." but something had to work. At AA I found women who knew what I was going through and listened.
    Off the booze, I found I could sleep at night and in the morning my problems and griefs weren't so insurmountable. I truly feel alive again. It's baby steps and you can take them. Start by just not drinking, today. Reach our again. Email me if you want to talk. Tthomas5310@yahoo.com. Just don't drink, today.

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  20. Try more meetings. I felt the same way. I would encourage you to look into a 30 day rehab. Yoy are a good mom with a very bad disease. Look for the book under the influence so you can start to understand the disease concept. I think that will help you realize you are not a bad person. This is not a moral problem. This is the cunning and baffling nature of alcoholism-addiction and it is a disease. If you had another disease you would seek help. Staying in the shame and guilt cycle will keep you in your addiction. I understand you have lost your faith in god/ higher power but this is not the life God/some greater power wants for you. Perhaps you were given a son with adhd cause your a mom that can handle it. Without alcohol you may amaze yourself. Hang in there and tell yourself you wont drink for 24 hours. Then focus on the next 24 hours. Just make the next right decision and things will start to fall into place. Good luck!

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  21. Original poster here...

    I wanted to thank you all for your comments, kind words and encouragement.

    I did actually drag my self to the intake appointment at behavioral health. I have another appointment next Friday with a substance abuse specialist who is supposed to help me figure out the best steps for me going forward.

    They offer group support (not AA) as well as individual counseling which I told the intake person I am willing to do both. As many of you pointed out... I do lack "coping" skills which most likely is a big part of why I try to replace coping with booze. I will also check out the blogs / podcasts and Yahoo group so many of you suggested. I can tell it only helps me if I just keep talking... or as "Dory" from Finding Nemo says... Just keep swimming. (sorry for the disney movie reference, but it makes me smile and I really wanted to smile right now.)

    Thank you again...so much. I will check in again soon.

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  22. That's great news! You are reaching out :). Those ppl are professionals and they're there to help you and guide you. Take full advantage of it. I too find that talking helps so much. Keep talking :).

    Trish (above) was so right on the money, sleep is so much better and problems don't seem like they cannot be accomplished. And the shame and guilt dissapates over time. I didn't believe it at first, but you know what? fellow alcoholics told me the same thing over and over again. How could they all be wrong?

    I did erase my email from a previous post. If you'd like contact me @ this email soberorbust@gmail.com.
    I would love to hear how you are doing!
    One day at a time girl, you can do it.
    Marg

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  23. I have 4 days today-this article was posted 3/1/2013-I hope you too have sober days-if not DON'T GIVE UP!! Keep writing here & at other sober sites-I cant seem to get pass day 3 or 4 days-but 1 day is better than no days & eventually I'll get 5 days..6,7 etc.and so will you.

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  24. To the OP....
    Yes. Please get help. AA wasn't for me either.
    The Bubble Hour and Women For Sobriety have been lifelines for me. My local Buddhist center has a weekly meditation/discussion for recovering/recovered addicts. My point is there are lots of resources to support you that may fit better. That said, if I didn't have these other resources in my town, I would go to AA meetings just to be in community.

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  25. My mom was diagnosed with liver cancer last fall after many, many years of alcohol abuse. Insurance didn't cover this, and they have invested a large portion of their retirement fund into the medical costs. All those years of saving, now going in to remove the cancer. Retirement plans have changed. My mom also gained a lot of weight and her pores were enlarged, and her nose becoming red and puffier. To this day, she credits her cancer to "bad luck", which is frustrating to hear after a childhood living with a disconnected mother, always half-listening while she looked for an opportunity to take her next drink.

    Please don't let it come to this for you. The fact that you are here is an amazing first step, as my mom had years of knowing her drinking was damaging her liver, but did nothing to stop it. Take this moment and run with it.

    Wishing you all the best.

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  26. To OP -

    Thanks for posting this. I think a lot of AA members frequent this website. It's a great program, but it isn't for everyone. Like another poster said today, Women for Sobriety saved my life. Also, for me, women's AA meetings helped a lot. At the co-ed AA meetings in my town, it is very male dominated, and I never felt like I quite fit in. Like many other people these days, I am an atheist and find the higher power thing hard to swallow. Candidly, I also found a certain degree of anti-intellectualism at AA meetings (I'll probably get flamed for saying this). Today, we are lucky to have the ever-improving degree of scientific evidence surrounding addiction. I think this will improve in the future.

    For what it's worth (and please, please disregard if you don't feel that you relate), I came to terms with the notion that long-term alcohol abuse (and that's what it was in my case. I cannot judge someone else's), affected my pre-frontal cortex. As soon as I started drinking, I no longer made good decisions, and the urge to keep drinking was so, so strong that it took precedent over everything else. Maybe this wasn't a disease in the same terms as catching the flu, but it affected my brain and my body. In my case, that was enough to understand how alcoholism could be a disease.

    That being said, this is my $.002.

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  27. Sorry for late comment...My first reaction to the orginal post was: INPATIENT REHAB. I just came back and today is my 18th day sober. What inpatient rehab does is wonderful: it removes you from all the worries and enables to put YOU and only YOU in the center of your life. After, of course, you will still need support from your closed ones, IOP, AA metings, etc... It's a long process, but, after all, we've been wasting a long time driking too, haven't we? Good luck! (P.S.: I still "hate" AA meetings, like I don't belong there, but I am not giving up, at least not TODAY!)

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