I’m a 42 yr old stay at home mom. My husband works construction, out of town… most of the time. I have 11 yr old twin boys and an 18 yr old daughter. A few years ago, my family and I decided to relocate to another state.
I am not normally the type of person who has ever embraced “change” very well, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. So here is where my sob story begins. I have had nothing but bad luck since we moved. The economy tanked…. We’ve had 5 deaths in our family / friend circle over the last 4 years. I did try going to work, but ended up in horrible jobs. I guess I was just spoiled by the one I left to move here (after working there for 13 yrs). One of my twins was diagnosed with ADHD and possible tick disorders / OCD and other emotional disorders within the last year.
Due to the economy in 2009, we lost our home. We now live in a 3 bdrm house with my 89 yr old grandmother who cannot really live alone. We have been here for about 3 yrs because I see that she cannot live alone and I don’t want to just leave her. Basically, I feel like, how much can happen in such a short period of time to one family? When will it ever stop? Its like things just get worse and worse all the time.
SO… I drink. I drink a lot. Probably for the past 3 years I have literally not gone one single day without drinking. I wish I could say it was just wine… but its either rum or vodka. I drink normally 6-8 drinks per night and I start in the afternoon.
I am sick of myself. I have noticed that I don’t live. I only exist. I function throughout the day. I get up and get my kids off to school, help with homework, meet with teachers, run them to the docs or their friends houses, cook dinner, etc. I do everything I am supposed to do, I guess. But I have no happiness or enjoyment in my life. I feel lost.
I feel like a totally different person than who I used to be. I have a lot of black outs. I have woken up quite a few times where my husband would be so upset with me for something I said the night before and I honestly couldn’t even remember the conversation. I have woken up with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing something went wrong… only to find that I had vented about anything and everything on Facebook the night before (then I spend the next few minutes trying to delete everything fast.)
I am ashamed. I hate myself. I feel worthless and pitiful. I don’t know how my husband stays with me. I don’t know how I have any friends left because I have managed to offend most of them. I have lost faith in myself, and given up on God or any higher power and in a way I’ve even given up on “hope”. Literally, I am empty.
I’m just a shell with nothing but black inside. I have been to one AA meeting. I don’t think it’s for me because all those people did was make me want to drink more. I’m not religious so the whole idea of putting my problem in the hands of a higher power really makes me uncomfortable. This is MY fault… I have no one else to blame. My kids and husband deserve better than this. Yet I just keep drinking. Almost every day… I wake up with some kind of regret or self disgust. Yet everyday, I find myself a nervous, anxious wreck. I can’t handle any stress. It’s like the minute something happens I just freak out. I want to run away. I want to hide. I do hide.
Recently (last week)… I went in for my annual checkup and my blood came back with elevated white blood cells and liver enzymes. I just went in today for the retest but I’m sure nothing has changed in a week. I have had an “inside voice” telling me that something is wrong. I am bloated all the time. My face is swollen and I’ve gained 30 lbs in just the last year. I’m actually a little scared (of course, apparently not scared enough to stop drinking! Ugh) So… today, I decided I would at least make an appointment with the behavioral health center. I did the best I could to get through it without crying and pretty much managed up until the very last few minutes with the lady who was scheduling me. She offered me a hug and I told her I wasn’t a hugger. I am a classic introvert, but still… how rude is that? What is wrong with me? Anyway, I have an appointment in a couple of days.
My boys came home today and immediately started fighting. My ADHD kid was screaming at me because he thought he lost his homework… and then he was screaming because he didn’t want to do it, “Its too hard!” I offer to help… nothing stops him. I just poured myself a rum and coke. Told him when he was ready to calm down I would help him. Its been about an hour and a half and he’s just now seeming to be willing to work. My other twin just sits there and shakes his head. He is also a victim of his brother’s tantrums.
All I want to do is crawl in a hole. Still have to make dinner. I feel like this is just another day where I waste myself.