Thursday, March 28, 2013

5 Days Sober

***Submitted by Anonymous

I am a 37 year old women, with a gorgeous, mischievous 12 year old daughter.  We live with my partner of three years (whom I love and adore) and his two younger daughters (whom I love and adore) also live with us for 4 days a week.
I had my first drink when I was 14 years old, it ended in me completely blacking out and not remembering much about it except projectile vomiting down a staircase.  In these teenage years I was a binge drinker, all my friends were doing it - it was the "norm", the cool thing to do on a Friday and Sat night.  This continued right through my years at university - binge drinking, often blacking out, causing chaos to my soul - resulting in me taking several unsuccessful attempts to end my own life.

After completing my degree and becoming a qualified health professional, when I was 25 I had my beautiful daughter - when she was 6 months old I left her father who had become physically abusive towards me.  I became a single full time working mother.  My drinking was controlled to a point - I wouldn't drink everyday, maybe once a week,but almost always to the point I would black out, not remember things - my family and friends would love to relive my every embarrassing actions to me.

Every time I drank I would wake up with a feeling of complete doom.  It is almost too hard for me to even write about the feelings I would  wake up with the next morning, the anxiety, the absolute self-hatred I cant explain.  At this time anyway. I managed to hold down a great job, I was very passionate about, and care and love for my daughter.  Because of the self-loathing and loneliness, once my daughter was in bed I started drinking alone at night.  I thought it helped stop the terrible thoughts in my mind, it helped give me the courage to ring friends and chat - like i was a happy bubbly confident person, it helped me feel like I was "worth loving".....until of course the next morning.  And so the spiral began.

Throughout this time I had several serious relationships and this is hard for me to admit but I have to be honest to myself and I know they basically ended because of my drinking - my self-sabotage - my feeling I didn't deserve to be loved.

Two years ago I broke every bone in my ankle and spent two weeks in hospital - I slipped over when i had been drinking.  I remember crawling across the lounge floor to get to the phone to call an ambulance, because even though I was drunk as a skunk, the pain was indescribable.  I waited hours and hours for the ambulance.  I should've rung my family - but I didn't want them to know I'd been drinking and I didn't want their disappointed faces in my mind.  I also remember many many mornings especially in the last 6 months waking up with bruises and cuts etc, etc due to my drinking binges and me falling over or walking into an open cupboard and on and on it goes. I have also battled depression anxiety over the last 15 years.

Anyway I could write pages and pages and pages about my drinking, but I won't.

Last year I was caught driving under the influence, it was the only time I'd ever done it and lost my license for eight months.  I hate myself for this and continued to punish myself for this by continuing to drink.  Sounds stupid and weak and pathetic doesn't it.  Due to losing my license I lost my job ( which I was good at and very passionate about). I was never a person that had a drink everyday, or in the mornings, and there were times when my partner and I  had a few drinks and had enjoyable times.  But the bad times outweighed the good times, and I don't like how it makes me feel about myself, how I wake up hating myself.  I know it sounds dramatic, but it is destroying my soul and I want to be sober, I never want to drink again because I want the opportunity to begin to forgive myself, to love myself, to be the best mad, happy, crazy, sober person I can be for me, for my daughter, for my partner and for my Mum and Dad.

Anyway sorry for rambling - Today I am 5 days sober.

Thank you for listening and any advice, information, words you have to offer will be greatly appreciated and absorbed with much anticipation and love.

11 comments:

  1. Beautiful and honest post. This is the best place to begin. Alcoholism has got to be the only disease that has shame and isolation as part of package. Just remember that all these things were a manifestation of the disease and that you are on your way to a better life. I know it sounds very over simplified, but all you have to do it not take that first drink and you will be fine. Find any way you can to ensure you don't take that first one. Look after yourself, make sure you are rested, well fed and not thirsty. Someone told me this in early sobriety and I kept forgetting and that's when I would take a drink. I love the insight you have into the booze destroying your soul. Yes indeed, we are spiritual beings having a human experience, so why smother our souls through our bodies. You have so much to live and love. Stay the course my dear... you are so worth it as are your loved ones. Wishing you continued sobriety and life.

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    1. "Alcoholism has got to be the only disease that has shame and isolation as part of package." -- Don't forget the infertility circle :)

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  2. Thank you for sharing and for your honesty. Don't forget to breathe, figuratively AND literally. You have a lot of good in your life and you are still here with us and just from what you wrote, I think you're fantastic. Breathe and one day at a time, one minute at a time if you have to. Stay with us.

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  3. "I know it sounds dramatic, but it is destroying my soul..."

    Welcome, you are writing and sharing on a blog where every feeling you describe is in complete alignment with our own experiences,, your consequences, both legal and physical, as well as mental,, yup,, same identical insanity I went through. You don't sound dramatic, btw. Drama and abusive drinking go hand-in-hand; all part of the miserable package.
    you ARE worthy of love - please understand that you have committed YEARS to some real unhealthy self-talk. This will take some time to undo and it will require some help from individuals who have walked through this, who can help you peel back the layers of that proverbial onion. keep coming back!!!


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  4. If you stop drinking you will get all those things you want. You will stop hating yourself and you will start loving yourself. You will be the mom, wife, daughter, friend that you want to be. It's in there, the drinking is keeping the good stuff buried. Just take it one day at a time, don't take that first drink and you don't have to wake up feeling sad, anxious, and afraid. You can do it. We have all been there. We have all had bad things happen to us from drinking. Don't wait for a worse rock bottom. Take care of yourself and keep coming back reading these blogs and others online. There is much to learn from others. And you are helping us as well. Thanks for sharing.

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  5. the MISERABLE package ... omgosh ... that is a great description ... my story is the same as yours only I was older, children were teens ... I would white knuckle til 5 oclock, guzzle the first one or two ... relief from the guilt and shame until 2 AM ... wide awake for hours in a misery bucket of guilt, shame and remorse. Thank you for sharing. There is hope, GREAT HOPE ... and you are young. Ask for help, do not take the first drink, go to any lengths to stay sober ... it is an amazing spiritual journey. Your soul will awaken and thrive!

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  6. I just returned from a week long trip with my cousin, we visited Savannah and Charleston. This is a trip I NEVER would have taken before I got sober. My cousin doesn't care about alcohol and my drinking issues would have been very evident. It would have just been too much work to hide my drinking and my hangovers, so I would have never planned it at all. I told her the other day when we were walking around Charleston, that not drinking has been the most freeing thing I have ever done. Honestly, drinking was just exhausting and not fun anymore . Since I stopped drinking there hasn't been ONE moment that I have had to worry about what I said or did, after years of wasting so much time trying to remember what I had done and who I had called. Try and imagine a life without guilt, shame or feeling awful about yourself. I can tell you that It isn't easy to stop, you may be feeling better after a few days sober and trying to rationalize having a drink, but don't... just take it one day at a time and soon you will have many days to look back on and be proud of yourself again. There are so many of us out here, you are not alone. You owe it to yourself, your partner and your children to be fully present in their lives and the rewards are infinite. Good luck to you, we are all here to support you!

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  7. YOU CAN DO THIS. I saw my own story here when I posted at 12 days sober; last week I passed seven months. IF I CAN, YOU CAN. The most important messages have already been shared so powerfully by the post-ers above, but what I would emphasize for you is: NOW IS YOUR TIME. You sound SO ready to be free of the poisons that separate you from prospering at work, being there for your kids and other loved ones, having health and calm and NOT having guilt and sickness and shame. Life without alcohol hasn't been perfect for me and won't be for you -- but it is SO MUCH BETTER. And as you will see soon if you don't see it already, the alcohol never really made ANYTHING better, only worse. You are valuable, you are seeing things more clearly now, you know what is important...YOU CAN DO THIS.

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  8. hi

    i have just got 13 weeks sober under my belt, I felt all the shame and isolation you do. I felt fear as well, I was terrified that i couldnt get sober, and i was terrified that i was going to do something terrible to my family. its was my own personal hell.

    so, i can hold my hand out to you virtually so you can feel that it is possible to be rid of those feelings, because in this short time i don't feel shame, or guilt or fear. i feel that my voice should be heard and that i have a right to enjoy my life and my family as much as anyone else.

    so, go for it. go for sobriety. it is really, really tough sometimes at the beginning but i hope to god i dont pick up again.

    women for sobriety forum helped me a lot.

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  9. Hi, I'm 37 and my story is very similar to yours. I think we share the gene that means we just can't stop at one. I thought that there was no way to change, except through total sobriety - and when I relapsed after three years I even lost hope in that. Six months ago I started taking naltrexone. It's been transformative. I'm a moderate drinker for the first time in my life (google the sinclair method). Perhaps you could see a doctor and give it a try? No little tablet is as bad as the punishment we put our brains and bodies through when abusing alcohol.

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  10. Hi,I am 42 years old and much like yourself, got arrested for a DUI, and began drinking heavily afterwards for two years! Before that I was only a social drinker, it was fear and loneliness that made me turn to the bottle and the loss of my job and feeling of uselessness!
    I am now 90 days sober and I feel so much healthier and more alive than I have in a long time! I have learned that I simply can't pick up, because I can't stop at one, it's not always easy, but with a great support system I can make it work! I'm also in counseling and I find it very rewarding and much needed for my recovery! Don't give up, just remember to take it one day at a time and if that becomes over whelming take it five mins at a time and breathe! Keep it simple and ask for help!
    ~Lisa

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