Friday, February 22, 2013

I Am Always Scared

***Submitted by Anonymous
I decided this morning that I must make a change in my life before something bad happens.  
I have an awesome husband who would do anything for me and three perfect children who want nothing more than to be with me and I am screwing it all up because I drink way too much.  
I have always loved to drink since college but I always binge drink.  
When I was doing this with my friends I never thought much about it being a problem, even still when we get together we all drink too much.  
I cut down in my thirties but as soon as I had kids after each one was born I was right back on the booze and with each one it became so much worse.  
Since the last one came along I have steadily become a daily drinker and within the past few months it is quite scary.  I know my husband knows it is a problem but it is like he doesn't want to say anything to me about it.  
I am always scared that I have ruined my health but more importantly my relationship with my kids. 
I work out daily, I run marathons, I am involved in all of the kids activities but as soon as we are home safely I start drinking immediately to "cope"  but the weird thing is that all my life I wanted to be married and have kids so now why do I have to drink to "cope"???    
I am stopping today or I am afraid I will not be around to see my kids grow up.
I just can't do this anymore it is too exhausting to get up each day and face myself in the mirror with shame and guilt and I know my kids know even though they are young


  1. Get yourself to an AA meeting! You can find meetings online too.

  2. If AA doesn't seem like a good fit; I have gotten and stayed sober with a group call Women For Sobriety.(or WFS)They have an online site that is very helpful, as well as meetings in major cities. My story is very simular to yours...happily married with 3 kids, but drinking every night to "cope". Funny thing, when I removed alcohol from my life; I found that is was CAUSING the problems I thought it was helping me with.

    1. Once the alcohol was surrendered, I found I was able to cope with life on life's terms and AA gave me the tools to manage. I celebrate 4 years sobriety next week. There are many paths to sobriety; find the one suitable to your liking.

  3. First of all, I celebrate your courage in taking the first step in making changes for yourself and your family. First step is always the hardest. Agreed, AA isn't for everyone. 5 years sober, it is the tool that worked for me. But truly, anything that gives you the support, accountability, and acceptance for what you are experiencing today and onward. Any tool that will promote honesty, the raw kind of honesty that is so hard for most of us. It is essential. Here's to the first steps of your journey and the support you will gain along your way...

  4. I am only 9 days without drinking....but it already feels so good and powerful. I feel better about myself and as a mother and wife. Honesty. Pick a day to start and do it. You will be amazed. Read this blogs and her recent post....Soberbia - it is helpful.

  5. Sending you a virtual hug. Please join the Booze free Brigade yahoo group and FB, it has been a lifesaver for me. Boy do many of us get your story. I too am a Mom (4 "perfect" kids, loving husband, great friends and family) and a night time wino. I am newly sober, one day at a time, because I became a depressed hung over mess. The short term buzz was way outdone by the nagging guilt and constant cover up of my oh so not authentic life. Giving up my wine has been very challenging, but every clear morning propels me through another day. Just know you are far from alone, and there is a ton of support here for you as you figure out how to move forward.
    Stop reading here if you do not want a scare...WARNING YOU... So, I am also a Nurse Practioner who should know better. Today I was rounding at the hospital and was hit over the head by a newly admitted patients story. She is a normal MOM, just like us, in her early 40's whose husband brought her to the ED last evening~ she has been admitted for alcohol detox and liver failure~ yes liver failure. She has been drinking 1-2 bottles of wine a night for 15 years. She looks just like me and probably you. I stood frozen in the hall. I see the horrific effects of alcohol all the time, but rarely a Mom my age with my demographics. It scared the hell out of me. The good news is this Mom is now getting the medical attention she needs and the beauty of our liver is it has the most amazing ability to repair and rejenerate if we stop early enough. Sending prayers all around for a SOBER FRIDAY and WEEKEND..we can do this.

  6. You can do it, all right, we'll help you. We are yhere with moral support and coping behaviors and real assets that will give you answers to the questions we all have about our sobriety.I am very proud of you for taking the first step-it's the hardest but you are on the correct path to happiness and a much better life. I was 26 when i quit and the intervening thirty years have been so amazing compared to the first eight when alcohol and I met every day...

    Write if you want to. I'll respond...

  7. Welcome - you have just completed step #1 if I am reading correctly. Alcohol has control of you and your life is unmanageable - I believe this is the most difficult step - admitting.

    You appear to have good insight; you are correct, your kids do know and depending upon their age, this can be an opening door one day for an educational discussion.

    My husband (of 25 yrs at that time; we're divorced) was remiss with his words of awareness, caution, even pure contempt. It took my family 1,000 miles away to recognize "we have a problem here" and they flew out for an intervention.

    I was a binge drinker as well. Consequently, I spent YEARS in denial. My perception of an alcoholic was one of misinformation and ignorance. We know that knowledge is power. Grab hold of an assortment of resources around you (some great ones have been named here) and immerse yourself in the insidiousness, cunning, and baffling characteristics of this disease.

    I never tell people how to design their own program of recovery; this is individual for each of us. BUT, I DO tell everyone WE CAN NOT DO THIS ALONE!!!! I implore you to reach beyond the world wide web for face-to-face support!!!!! Make no mistake, there are tremendous recovery sites.

    As time marches on, please know that what will really stand out in the hearts and minds of your children is that mom recognized she was sick and she took that bull by the horn and got well. Therein lies the difference between a lousy drunk mom and a mom who strives to always be the best she can be and WHO IS HONEST WHEN LOOKING IN THAT MIRROR!!

    You are off to such an enlightening start..
    ONE DAY AT A TIME - you have been drinking for many years; it will take that many to REALLY become fully healed

  8. forgive me, one more thing.
    To the NP who posted a few posts up. I mean NO disresepct, but if this woman is truly diagnosed as being in the stage of "liver failure", she has crossed the point of return. Indeed, the liver is a forgiving organ, but for the individual who has progressed to the stage, liver failure,, it is the end of the road (exception, of course, liver transplant)

  9. I am 4 years sober and I am THRILLED to be sober!!! It wasn't easy...but your life will get SO much better, and you can get to the point where you aren't trying 'not to drink', but loving living sober. (Good book, LIVING SOBER, very practical helpful strategies.) Do it now, before you wake up every morning loathing yourself, like I did....

  10. Thank you everyone for writing. I am there too. 48, with two teenagers, a loving husband, and a wonderful job. And I drink a bottle of wine every night. The other morning, my husband walked into the kitchen and hugged me and asked if I was "OK" after the episode the night before. I didn't remember an episode. Apparently, I became enraged at my husband and cursed him out in front of the kids. I have never been so ashamed of anything in my entire life. I will never let that happen again. You are not alone. Smart, talented, educated, loving people get to this point, it seems. All we can do is move forward without alcohol FROM THIS POINT. Never again. Don't give up.

  11. You are very courageous for admitting this. You will be in my prayers. This is my story- 4 beautiful children, career, wonderful family and friends. I tried to do it alone. Then i tried with aa. My mom guilt kept getting in my way. I went to a rehab for 30 days. I didnt think i needed it cause i was only drinking heavily for a year and a half. It was the most amazing thing i did for me and my kids. I came out with gift of spirituality, and a renewed sense of who i am. I was having trouble with mom guilt and a counselor said you are a good mom with a bad disease and you deserve to be happy. I recommend reading up on the disease conceot so you understand the disease of alcoholism whether you identify as an alcoholic or not. Good luck!

  12. Your story is so familiar to me. I loved when you said that you've always wanted a husband and children so why do you now have to cope? Same here, I ask myself this question everyday. I wish you all the encouragement and hope for your future. Hopefully, your story will inspire me to do the same.

  13. You sound a lot like me (67 days sober today). I run marathons. I even ran a couple 50Ks. I cycle. I have one child and a great husband and a great LIFE. And I was erasing it with drink. I am still early in my sobriety but I already feel a lot better!

    What I did to make it happen this time is I set a date to quit. Because telling myself I will quit TODAY never worked. So, I said, I am going to quite on THIS date and the date happened to be the day after my 38th birthday. It was 2 months away. It gave me time to come to terms with it, gather support (specifically a friend and coworker who had recently sobered up), and even grieve over losing my beloved IPAs and red wine.

    Of course on the day before I quit, which was my birthday, I drank all the alcohol in my house. Stayed home from work. And just sat in my house drinking and thinking and watching a movie called "When Porn Ends", which is a documentary about the sad sad lives of porn stars and how they usually never recover from such a life. It definitely gave me perspective. But it was a sad and pathetic day.

    The next day I got up and did a lot of symbolic things as my first day sober - I ate super healthy, I went for a run, I went shopping for a lot of healthy food, especially fruits. I bought some really good chocolate. I went to work made an effort to really focus.

    Now, after that I started in on a sugar binge that lasted 6 weeks, but I hear that's normal. Every day stuffing my face with chocolate! To compensate from the lack of carbs from the booze.

    I am still dealing with some disorded sleep. I am suddenly so energized around 9pm. I end up staying up past 1am to read a book or read blogs about sobriety. I go for midnight walks with my dog through the neighborhood. I sleep so hard I don't hear my alarm anymore when I used to wake up on my own. I've heard this improves, as well.

    I drink a LOT of really good ginger beer (the name beer is weird but it has no alcohol, it's just soda). Specifically I drink Barritt's and Reed's and Gosling's. I like the bite it has. I even started making my own. I've gotten into gourmet soda, in general.

    Even though some things are still weird I feel GREAT! I am so much happier. A huge weight is gone and I am way more engaged in my already fantastic life.

    I just wanted to write this to give you some hope and something to look forward to. Feel free to write me jen.hart.atl at gmail dot com.