Thursday, January 31, 2013

I Saw Myself In My Daughter Tonight

***Submitted by Anonymous

(A note from the moderators of CON: this was submitted a while ago, and because of our queue of posts it is just going up now. We are so pleased to update you that as of today Anonymous has over 90 days of sobriety, and is going strong).

I saw myself in my daughter tonight....

I was a very moderate drinker for many, many years. As a divorced single Mother with no help, trying to run my own business I was too busy and frankly exhausted at the end of the day to think about anything but hitting the bed! I appeared to be like most normal drinkers. I would have one glass of wine with dinner on holidays, one beer on a hot day at a cookout. But somehow I was always able to stop because I knew all those two girls had was me. And as a constant worrier I couldn't stop thinking about the "what ifs" What if one of the girls got hurt or sick and I had to drive to the hospital? What if they saw me drinking? All those thoughts.....my mind seems to never stop with the worst case scenarios!

13 years ago I married a wonderful, responsible man. And I also inherited his two fabulous children. He never drinks. We had a perfect life. No blended family issues, no money problems, great house, schools, neighborhood, lots of friends and extended family. Life was great. At this point I began having a glass of red wine while cooking dinner, just one and I never wanted more. 

Then 7 years ago things changed. I lost both of my adored in laws in a tragic accident. My oldest daughter left for college, one of my best friends was diagnosed with terminal melanoma and as for myself, symptoms I had ignored for years ended up being diagnosed as MS. My life felt like it was out of control and my life long anxiety peaked to unbearable levels. I began to drink.....heavily.

This has gone on now for 7 years. With some periods of sobriety here and there. If anyone notices they haven't said anything, besides the occasional joke about hangovers from my husband. My hangovers HAVE become unbearable. I spend 2-3 days a week in bed. I drink 3 nights a week.

My 24 year old daughter has moved back home after a breakup. She is drinking 4 beers a night and more on the weekends. My husband was out of town last weekend and I realized just how much she was drinking(she ran out of beer and switched to whiskey)....it broke my heart. I refuse to become her "drinking buddy" after a bottle of wine I even smoked after quitting almost two years ago.....I can't believe I did that! This stops NOW.....I need to be an example. She needs me to be present.

I watched the video that you made. I was in tears, but inspired. I'm not such a bad person....and I AM NOT ALONE

3 comments:

  1. You are not a bad person at all and you certainly are not alone in your quest for sober life. I applaud your efforts and see that you are hanging in there for three months. What an amazing thing for you to do. Keep at it and you will keep seeing these great results.

    I bet you can taste food better and smell flowers better and wake up clearer and sleep more soundly. I hope your daughter sees your modeling proper behavior and follows suit, however you hang in there and I'll keep a great thought for you too.

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  2. CONGRATS ON 90 DAYS! Your a great example for your daughter & anyone who wants to delete alcohol from their life. Just take it 1 day at a time.

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  3. Huge hugs, you are absolutely NOT a bad person. You are dealing with a tremendously difficult and complicated addiction. I liken it to a mental illness - so complicated and confusing, and incredibly difficult to understand and own. Please know that you are NOT alone. So many of us are grappling with the same questions and issues. Please keep talking and reaching out. This will help you in ways you hadn't imagined and the rewards are immeasurable. Sending lots of love your way, from another friend struggling at the same time. xo

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