Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Reaching Out For Help

***Submitted by Anonymous

I have a problem.  I don't know if I believe it is really a problem but I know it is...does that make sense. 
I had a terrible emotionally and physically abusive 8 year marriage that resulted in two beautiful daughters.  I adore them but I don't deserve them.  I'm actually not convinced I deserve anything anymore.  I snap at them when I am in a mood and lately that seems to be often. 
I have been divorced two years.  My drinking got scary last year.  I don't know how I stayed out of jail, a wreck or worse...dead.  Why doesn't the thought of what that would do to my kids stop me??!!! 
I met someone that stabilized me, what a burden for them that must have been for him.  I feel completely in love with him and for the first time in a long time I felt like I had something to look forward to with another person.  I wasn't as scared and the drinking stopped almost all together.  When the drinking stopped, all of the scary things came flooding back.  The things I started drinking to suppress.  Memories, feelings, thoughts. 
Why did my ex husband treat me so bad? 
Is there something wrong with me? 
Am I good enough for this new guy? 
Does he secretly hate that he picked me? 
Do I look good enough? 
Do I make enough money? 
Do my kids even love me?  
Prior to my marriage I think I maybe could have been categorized as over confident in myself, but I was confident and happy and believed in trust.  I rarely drank. 
Recently, 8 days ago to be exact, my boyfriend had enough and he is no longer in my life.  I didn't recognize the importance of this person in my life until he was gone.  He didn't leave me because of drinking, at least not that he knows of.  He left me because I refused to change my schedule to spend the day with him before his grandmother's funeral.  I wanted to so bad, I really really did but....I didn't.  Instead I had a frustrating conversation with my ex husband where I tried to tell him I was ready to have this person in my life be around my children (irony, right?)  The conversation didn't go well and as usual, I let this person that has been nothing but mean to me for 10 years dictate what I can and can't do.  So when my amazing and sweet boyfriend said he needed me I said I couldn't be there for him.  He doesn't know why other than I must just not be the person he thought and definitely not someone he wants in his life.  The real reason was that I was scared my anger and sadness that I let my ex husband cause me would become the center of us that night and I wouldn't be there for him in his time of need.  It would be the other way around like it ALWAYS was.  Just typing that makes me wonder why he ever loved me in the first place. 
So he is gone and the drinking picked back up those first couple of days.  This time I reached out to a close friend.  I was terrified of returning to that place I had been just one year prior.    I am alone and I have a problem, I think that I have a problem.  I keep setting dates in my head to stop for good.  Maybe today, but I already have plans for after work.  Maybe next weekend, but I forgot I have plans. 
I'm sad, I miss him terribly and drinking is the only thing that helps me stop being sad and sleep.  It sounds so pathetic but it is the absolute truth.   
I wonder when enough will be enough. 

Friday, June 22, 2012

Young, and Binge Drinking

***Submitted by Anonymous

I don't even know if this is the right forum for what I'm dealing with, but it was the only one that sounded worthwhile. I do have problem with alcohol, and it's even similar to the "stereotypical" addict because it's about control. However, I am not addicted. I can go months and months without a drink and have no desires for one. 
Here are the facts, in the past two years I have been hospitalized twice for alcohol poisoning and there were two other instances where I went way too far. Now, I'm in college so maybe one of these was that "experimental phase", but I keep screwing it up. The weird thing is it doesn't happen every time, usually only when I'm with a crowd of people and we are "pre-gaming". Still then, it doesn't happen every time. I'm beginning to think I succumb to peer pressure badly. But am so confused because I am able to causally drink and 9 times out of 10 not go overboard.
One of these instances happened during my best friend's 21st birthday celebration. To make a long story short she had to take care of me and who knows what else. I have apologized profusely and had thought I was okay, but come to find out that is not the case. I'm only mentioning what she said to get to my feelings. She first had said she  still loved me, and suggested that I stop drinking. I agreed and thought we were somewhat okay or at least on the road there. In doing so I kept talking about it, but sensed something was wrong. I'm really stressed and paranoid for various reasons. 

Firstly, I blacked out and need to know what I did, but she is the only one who knows. Secondly, she is my best friend, the one I usually talk to about these things, and her being this way towards me. I don't think I ever been sadder in my life. I keep getting hot flashes, either because of the stress, blood pressure, or both and can barely sleep. But without being able to confront this, I don't know how to make the horrible sinking feelings that follow stop. 

This only happened about two days ago, and I know I have to give her time. But I don't know what to do with myself in the meantime. To make matters worse, I got a new car today and I can't even share that with her. This whole situation makes me feel like I don't deserve it (the car). But on the outside, no one would know. I get great grades, have a job, etc. 

A part of me feels deserving, but the other tells me I'm a liar and a fake. Like I said, I don't know if this falls under what your group is for, but since it relates to alcohol I figured I'd try. I'm so lost and it hurts so bad. I don't even know what I think writing this will accomplish. I guess I just want affirmation, that it is okay to feel all these things, so hurt, so sad, so stupid!, even when it's all my fault. I need to know if its normal not to know how to cope with these things. 

Most of all I need to know, if not how to address this situation, how to survive the day to day without every night wanting cry and frankly disappear.

help me. please.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Good Girl Gone Drunk

***Submitted by Anonymous


Me, 28 year old mother of one adorable 3 year old dude submitting a blog to an addiction site? Really? No way. This is so below me.

I'm smart and beautiful - better than the average Jane.

College degree. In Psychology. (Irony.)

Sexy. IF you take away my extra 30- 40 pounds I just can't lose. Well I could, if I stopped drinking 6 to 8 to ? I  can't remember how many beers a day.

I'm self employed for the past year. I run a - wait for it - home daycare. I am responsible for and make my living with taking care of 4 children under 4 plus my own 3 year old son. Have I ever drank while watching them? NO! Do I open a beer at 5:32 as the last mother pulls out of the driveway? Several days a week. Am I hungover when the first child arrives at 7 am. Yup. And have I ever considered a drink while watching them? Weekly battle.

I am a good person. I repeat this in my mind often, and aloud to my concerned husband. He sees my nightly pattern of drinking a 6 pack as a problem and has often - and politely - suggested it's a problem. Last night he actually approached the subject less causally and I felt attacked.Embarrassed. He said something must be done, and he'll do it himself if he has to.

But I am not an "alcoholic." How could I be? I live day to day and get all my chores done and manage my household and my career. I send home children to happy parents who praise the job I am doing with their children. I work hard. Those kiddos are crazy all day long - I deserve that drink at 5:30. I earned it! I'm just having fun.

I drink beer because liquor or wine sends me into a bad place. I learned this is college and post-college and avoid it. "I don't do liquor." is part of my vocab. Beer it is, because you can't consume enough beer in a short period of time to get totally trashed, right? Makes total sense - not.

Alcoholism is apparent in my family. Maybe someone sees this as an avenue for sobriety. Learn from the others and don't become them. I think,( well, I know if I'm being honest), I fear the loss of bonding time if I avoid alcohol. How will mom and dad feel about a visit from their daughter and family if they must feel awkward about alcohol consumption. Isn't life a party we should all enjoy while we are visiting together?! I fear being shut out.

I will not go to AA. I live in a small town. I will be recognized. I have a history of depression and anxiety and it made it hard for me to get my child care license and I really don't want to add alcoholism to my "rap sheet." What can I do to get clean on my own? How do I stop drinking. Obviously not today, as I have already drank my liquid courage to even type this email. But tomorrow, I want to be a new me. How? I fear I can only go downhill from here without serious change!


Sunday, June 10, 2012

Almost Through Day Two - Newly Sober

*** Submitted by Anonymous

It's 6pm on a Sunday night and I have almost made it through my second sober day.  I'm 42 years old and I have two children, age 5 and 7.

I have been drinking since I was 14. I have a drink-free night every six weeks or six months, which I have falsely used to give myself permission to continuing drinking.  I have tried to quit completely in the last year.  Last summer, I told a friend, "If I drink tonight, I am going to put myself in rehab."  She said I didn't have a drinking problem and poured me a glass of wine. A few months ago, I told my husband I wanted to go the week without drinking, and when I got home from work that night, there were six new bottles of wine on the counter. (He doesn't drink that much wine.)

Almost every morning for the past six months, I wake up thinking to myself, "I really need to stop drinking."  But by the end of the work day, I am home again downing another bottle of wine. 
Yesterday morning, I decided that I needed to do this for myself, not for anyone else. 

I put a hair rubber band around my wrist to remind myself of my commitment to myself.  We didn't have any social commitments except kids birthday parties this weekend so I thought it would be pretty straightforward. 

Except when the host of today's party poured me a big glass of wine.  I held the glass of wine with my hand with the rubber band, and didn't have a sip. That was hard. 

I am glad I made it through the party, but I am worried about the week. The rubber band is still on my wrist. 
I would love to wake up in the morning without saying anything like this:

"Was I bad last night?"
"Ugh, why do I bring a glass of wine bed with me?"
"Did I really drink that much gin?"
"Did we stay up for the whole movie?"

Or for goodness sake, I don't ever want to have to check my sent items and texts to see what I was writing, especially to my boss.
I don't want to go to work hungover, barely making it through the day (which is 7 of 10 days).  

I definitely don't want to be hung over giving a presentation to a room full of 400 people.  

I don't want to drink myself through a 7-day beach vacation.

I don't want to eat a cheeseburger and fries and a real coke to feel better.  

I don't want my children to bring me ice for my head when I am laying in bed. 

I don't want the flight attendant to look at me funny when I order my fourth wine. 

I don't to sit on the train, the only one drinking wine on the commuter train, once directly from the bottle because I forgot to ask for a cup (small bottle, but still embarrassing).

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Coffee Cup Drunk

***Submitted by Anonymous

 I intended to go to bed early last night when I came across this blog. I was up until midnight, completely riveted by the stories.

Each and every story contained elements of my life as a "Coffee Cup Drunk".

The hidden wine bottles, the shots of vodka, the ridiculous fights with husbands and kids, vodka in the coffee cup, the slow insidious transformation of just a glass or two into full blown 7-days a week drunkenness and on and on. It is oddly comforting to hear from other women, other moms who have driven drunk or forgotten entire evenings at home.

I feel less isolated. 
I also feel bolstered by the courage and candidness. 
I feel as if I can actually do this.

Three weeks ago, I committed to living sober. 

Since then, I have had no more than sporadic 1-2 day stretches of staying sober. It's humiliating, guilt inducing and just plain ridiculous.
Today I begin day 2.  

I have realized that I can't leave my house/yard today. Every mundane errand becomes a path to one of the liquor stores on my rotation or now, Whole Foods $3 chardonnay. 

$3 chardonnay that tastes decent at Whole Foods. It's not so guilt inducing when that bottle is nestled in with all the fresh organic produce, grass fed meats, and supplements I use to reduce the subsequent hangover. 

My husband knows I decided to quit. He has no idea what a struggle it's been or that I haven't been consistently sober since I shared my decision with him.

He's happy to do the grocery shopping for me today. I tell him it's so I can  get a bunch of work done in the garden or in the house.

It's really so I don't stroll by the wine department and pick up some cold refreshment for this warm Sunday evening after all I've accomplished today...I'm entitled aren't I?