Friday, December 14, 2012

Just Woke Up From A Blackout and Reaching Out For Help

***Submitted by Anonymous

I just woke up from a blackout. 

I am sure I did something bad, I don't know what it was. But certainly I must have upset someone. This is my life. Some days go without me even living. Just a small glimpse here and there.

I have no reason to live like this, I have no stress, my life is good , really good. But I am certain my husband is tired of this lifestyle of mine.


I went to the Dr. And had my liver checked, what it's good? Really? How could that be? 25 years of heavy drinking, I guess I have not done enough damage to myself. I feel the damage inside that tests does not show. I feel sorry and embarrassed beyond belief. 


Regret and hate, a lot of hate for myself.

I have no idea how to fix this mess I have created. 


I am certain over the years my hurtful words have done a lot of damage to my marriage, yet he stands by me. 

He does not speak of today or the other day. I wonder why? He does not hold me accountable. And I really need that. I need someone to say"what did you do? " not just a foggy glimpse of "oh Jesus, did I say that out loud?"

I don't know how to fix things. 


Quit drinking? How? 

It seems impossible. 

How will I talk to people? 

How will I fill all of those empty hours? 

What will I order with dinner? How can I live a single day without wine? 

I feel if there is a "bottom" I must be there. 

I cannot imagine it could get any worse. 

Please, I want to die. I am so embarrassed about myself. 

Why must I live like this?

23 comments:

  1. First of all, you are so brave to actually say these things to yourself and the world. It's so hard to look in the mirror and admit you have a problem AND more importantly that you want to do something about it. Bravo!

    So a couple of things. First, you can live without wine. I didn't think my life would be worth living without my beloved Chardonnay. How would I cope? How would I have fun? But I am here to tell you that it is possible and I have found a life far beyond my wildest dream. I have found peace.

    Next, even though it feels scary and embarrassing and shameful, find a local AA meeting (see the links on this site) AND JUST GO! I was TERRIFIED to go the first time but what I found was a bunch of people who understood me and a place that for the first time in my life, I didn't have to be ashamed.

    Here's the important part...you don't have to say a word. You don't have to participate AT ALL. You can go in the room, sit in the back and just be quiet and LISTEN. Then you can decide if you want to come back.

    When you're searching for a meeting, look for a "closed" meeting because those are open only to people who are alcoholics, think they might be alcoholics or just want help with their drinking. If you can't find a "closed" meeting then just pick any meeting and go. You will be welcome anywhere. JUST GO. I promise you won't be sorry.

    Finally, your husband is coping the best way he knows how and from what you've described, he's actually doing a pretty good job. In fact, he sounds like my husband. The thing is, he can't hold you accountable...no one can. You have to hold yourself accountable or you'll never find peace.

    I know what's in your head right now and how you're feeling. It's scary but you can so do this. Just give it a try, just for today. Just say, "Today, and just for today, I will not drink. Today, and just for today, I will find an AA meeting and check it out."

    Don't worry about what will happen tomorrow, or next week or next month. You're not giving up wine forever, you're just giving it up for today. After that? We'll see what happens.

    Endless faith and belief,
    Sherry

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  2. I know your despair and you are most certainly not alone. You suffer from the disease of alcoholism. The good thing about hitting bottom is that you can get help. You never have to drink or feel this way again. I suggest you not try and answer all those questions. I know it is hard but really the best course of action is just to do what you can to not drink today. Just that. Can you go to a meeting? If you google AA for your town, someone will call you. You don't have to do this alone. Go to a meeting (preferably a women's meeting) and let someone know this is your first day sober. It was the scariest and best thing I have ever done.

    I struggled with all of the things you mention here -- I could not imagine a night without alcohol. I would SWEAR I was done (in the morning, filled with shame after a black-out) only to pour a drink as soon as I got home from work. Now, only four months later, I feel absolutely free from that daily obsession and hardly ever even think about a drink.

    You can do this. You reached out here, which means you have HOPE that things can be different. Please let us know how things are going. Sending hope and love. You are in my thoughts today.

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  3. So glad you wrote. Nine months ago, I asked myself those very same questions. I cried and cried, wondering how I could ever live without wine, yet I woke up every morning hating myself, and having to think really hard about what I had said or done the night before. I started going to AA meetings and seeing a counselor, and learned I only had to not drink today, or not drink for the next hour or even not drink for the next 5 minutes. You can have a better life than you ever imagined, and there are kind souls online and in the rooms of AA waiting to welcome you and show you that you are not alone.

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  4. All these comments say it better than I could. You took the first step!

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  5. It can get worse, believe me, I've been to worse. The good news is you get to decide how low your bottom is going to be, this can be it, you can start crawling out right now. I was a heavy daily drinker for 30+ years and I haven't had a drink in almost a year and a half, and my life is good beyond imagination. I know you can't believe that right now because alcohol still has you under it's spell, it's telling you that life can't be as good without it. I didn't believe it either. I had to be convinced.

    I did not go the AA route, AA is a wonderful organization but it is not for everyone and thank God there are other sources of help out there for people that can't find it with AA. As I said I didn't believe that I could live without alcohol either, so I decided to try to learn to moderate my drinking and joined MM Moderation Management. I am forever grateful to that organization for answering the question of whether I could learn to control my drinking. After a year of trying to moderate, I can say without a doubt the answer is, "NO"! Was that year wasted? "NO!" MM reintroduced me to days without alcohol, through my abs days I reaquainted myself to what life was like sober, and it was pretty damn good. A hell of a lot better than the life I had been drinking. So I decided to perm abs and I did it with the peace of knowing that I had tried to moderate but had proved to myself that I couldn't.

    MM has a subgroup for people like me called mmabsers, it's an email list of mostly people who tried to moderate and then chose to permanently abs. We aren't a large group and we don't promote one way of recovery over another, instead we support whatever way gets you to where you need to be.

    I also started a blog http://godwalkedintothisbar.blogspot.mx/ 4 years ago. It was my first step and I had no idea how it was going to help me, I had no idea why I was writing it, other than my HP thought I should. My recovery has been freestyle, as someone put it, and my support has been mainly fellow sober bloggers (google sober blogs and you'll find a lot of people just like you) and the MMlists.

    The first step is to believe you can have a better life.

    Just believe.

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    Replies
    1. I can really relate to you and remember the pain of that vicious cycle.Glad you are reaching out. Try a local meeting and take it one day at a time. Good for you! Sounds like you do have a great guy by your side, but it it up to you to save your own life. Never though I could have a sober birthday, but it is possible and better than I could jave imagined.

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  6. You can do it. You CAN do it. Get yourself to an AA meeting right away. I found people that completely understood my experience. Not only did AA help me stay sober, it helped me become a better person. Less selfish, less arrogant, more grateful and more serene. I used to think that because I was successful I couldn't be an alcoholic. Deep down I didn't think I deserved help, that AA seats should be saved for those who really need it. AA helped open my eyes. I now know that help is available.

    I'm only 5 months sober and its still weird to have dinner without wine. But every time I abstain I get to feel good about myself the next day. My friends and family did not seem to notice as much as I thought they would. Most people don't care. I've noticed that the ones that do care are other heavy drinkers.

    I have more clarity than ever before. I see people for who they really are. I'm letting go of friendships that were based only on alcohol. I'm fostering those friendships I let slide because I was drinking. I'm finding new purposes in life and getting joy from serving others. Its been an amazing journey thus far and I've never had such hope for the future.

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  7. You don't have to live like this. How do you quit drinking? Stop pouring alcoholic beverages down your throat. No one wants to hear this, but this is what it takes. It is SIMPLE. If you get group and/or online support while doing this, even better. If you are physically addicted, see your doctor and get help. If not, then just don't lift alcohol to your lips, pour it in, or swallow it. Do this and life will get better. I have 2 years sober and this blunt advice is the advice I took that got me here, and now I can't believe how simple it really is. I have no desire to drink because I don't want ANYTHING to f*ck me up. Period.

    I truly wish you the best. Do this for yourself. Just stop drinking the crap or take the steps to help you do this. You're worth it.

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  8. You are very brave to admit you have a problem. That is a huge first step. You are worth living! Your loved ones want you here and I as a blogger do!

    I have been there. I did not want to live bc of my obsession to drink. I hit countless bottoms but last Feb was the one that made me seek help. What worked for me is AA. Women's groups. They get you. No explanation necessary. The women will love you until you can love yourself. Please try a meeting. Without alcohol it gets better. I sure would have never believed it. The peace in my heart and brain in immeasurable and I want you to have it.

    You are in my thoughts! Hugs to you xoxoxoxo

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  9. I'd like to add. You may need to detox with the help of an md. Other than it is addiction counselors, programs that can and will help you, not an md. I hope that helps.
    (I detoxed with an md ; it was necessary in my case.)
    *hugs

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  10. You are NOT alone. I can really relate to you. Ive just stopped drinking recently due to my more frequent blackouts. I know how horrible it is to wake up from one and feel guilty and shameful and not remember anything. I am on my 13 th day of not drinking. It is possible. Every day gets a little easier. Its been helping me at night to drink some fun non alcoholic drinks at to replace the booze. Good luck. J

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  11. You don't have to keep going like this. there is a solution. Keep blogging and take suggestions. My life was as f*cked up as anyones, but it's gotten better and better. You'll see. Just gotta stop doing things like you always have.

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  12. Oh Honey you are not alone. I share the despair, the hopelessness, the questioning of why does this man stand by me?
    KNOW this for sure. I am healing.
    I am with you. I know you can heal.

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    Replies
    1. I never tire of hearing "oh honey you are not alone". You are not alone. We are here and we have your back and we have each other. You don't have to ever do that to yourself again. And it may not be easy, those first few steps, but it does get easier. It really does. And you help us too, to be fearless.

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  13. Replies
    1. Not well. I picked a quit date. Well you know one last round of holiday parties and such...for that I am excited and proud as I fully intend to stick with it. But in the mean time (literally) I feel a bit ridiculous doing the same thing over and over when it is so obvious I can control this and have a support system with you all. I keep wanting to write something humorous , but I realize it is not funny. But very serious! I slipped on the damn step and am in severe pain. That would not have happened with out 2 bottles of wine under my belt. Or if it did happen anyhow it would be an awesome feeling to not have alcohol to blame. January 1st? I can do this. Thanks for all the kind words !

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    2. I will be with you on January 1st, in spirit of course. I read your original post and sadly, had to stop and really concentrate wondering if I had written it. Let's do this. There has to be a better way to live. Right?

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  14. Yes a quit buddy! I love it.

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  15. KEEP POSTING &NEVER GIVE-UP! IT TAKES TIME TO STAY SOBER EVERYONE IS HERE TO SUPPORT YOU! HAVE HAPPY SOBER HOLIDAYS!

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  16. It can be difficult walking pass that liquor store the 1st few days but I must do it-I was going to wait to January 1st to quit, I have 3 days today and decided to keep going-wish me luck. A HAPPY & SOBER NEW YEAR TO ALL! THANKS FOR ALL POSTS IT REALLY HELPS ME NOT FEEL ALONE.

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  17. NEVER STOP TRYING IT DOES GET EASIER AND A BETTER LIFE AWAITS US!

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    Replies
    1. THANKS TO THIS WEB-SITE I FEEL HOPE AND SUPPORTED. THANKS!

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