***Submitted by Anonymous
I just woke up from a blackout.
I am sure I did something bad, I don't know what it was. But certainly I must have upset someone. This is my life. Some days go without me even living. Just a small glimpse here and there.
I have no reason to live like this, I have no stress, my life is good , really good. But I am certain my husband is tired of this lifestyle of mine.
I went to the Dr. And had my liver checked, what it's good? Really? How could that be? 25 years of heavy drinking, I guess I have not done enough damage to myself. I feel the damage inside that tests does not show. I feel sorry and embarrassed beyond belief.
Regret and hate, a lot of hate for myself.
I have no idea how to fix this mess I have created.
I am certain over the years my hurtful words have done a lot of damage to my marriage, yet he stands by me.
He does not speak of today or the other day. I wonder why? He does not hold me accountable. And I really need that. I need someone to say"what did you do? " not just a foggy glimpse of "oh Jesus, did I say that out loud?"
I don't know how to fix things.
Quit drinking? How?
It seems impossible.
How will I talk to people?
How will I fill all of those empty hours?
What will I order with dinner? How can I live a single day without wine?
I feel if there is a "bottom" I must be there.
I cannot imagine it could get any worse.
Please, I want to die. I am so embarrassed about myself.
Why must I live like this?