Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Fear in Early Sobriety - Doesn't Want To Drink And Reaching Out For Help

*** Submitted by Anonymous..

I'm an alcoholic. 

I celebrated 10 months of sobriety on December 1st. 

I have been in treatment 3 times in the last 3 years, and 10 months is the most sobriety I have ever attained. 

I am a mother of 2 beautiful daughters (11 and 14 years old). My drinking took me to very dark places. I lost my 17 year marriage and have now lost legal custody of my children. The worst experience I have ever lived through. 

However, I have walked through that process sober and that is a true miracle. 

I have some physical custody of my girls which is a true gift, I thought I would come home and assume my rightful place as their mom, but I quickly learned that that is something I had to earn. 

I am currently struggling deeply. I have not picked up a drink, but walking through life on life's terms is not something I know how to do yet, 

What I do know how to do is self medicate myself when I don't want to feel. 

My ex husband now has a new girlfriend that my girls are very excited about. 

My bond with my daughters is stronger than ever but I am feeling very threatened by this new woman. Less than, shame, guilt and not as good as are all front and center for me again. 
Fear is the overwhelming feeling. 

Fear of losing my girls to someone who is prettier, skinnier, more fun and certainly not an alcoholic. I'm trying so hard to stay in gratitude but am feeling paralyzed by these feelings. Is this normal? 

Should I be able to handle life better at this stage? I've worked so hard to get where I am today both personally and with my daughters.

I'm afraid of losing them to this new woman. I don't want to feel this way. 

Can you help me?

 I don't want to drink because for me to drink again is certainly signing my own death certificate



  1. Ten Months! Way to go, girl!

    Your girls love you. No matter what -- you are their mother and they LOVE you. Hold onto that as tight as you can.

    Your feelings toward the new girlfriend totally make sense to me. But, YOU are their mother. Maybe think of this new person as just another individual in their village to watch over them. But, YOU are their mother and they love YOU!

    Hold on tight to your sobriety -- you can so do this!

  2. Speaking to you from my vantage of nearly four months sober, I'm going to say what you already know deep down: TEN MONTHS IS HUGE. And also from an outsider (but fellow traveler) perspective, when I read you asking "Should I be handling this better," I want to say: You have handled very hard things each day so far without drinking, which means you are doing remarkably. I have two children a bit older than yours and I am glad to pass on wisdom that has been given to me from fellow AAs who also felt their kids might never forgive or be close to them again. Reassuring your kids will take time and constancy and you are doing that today, with strength and resolve. Being your kids' sober, loving, reliable mom will be your greatest gift to them and to yourself and you are doing that today and you have done it for TEN MONTHS. I hear your heartbreak at feeling Less Than the new girlfriend and I don't dismiss that. But I'd encourage you to think less of what she might be to them, and more of what you will ALWAYS be to them: their mom, who can best care for them by starting every day affirming sobriety. I send you encouragement and prayers.

  3. Speaking as the child of divorced parents... Your fear of replacement is totally understandable, but probably not necessary. My parents divorced when I was very young, much younger than your girls are now, and my dad later met a wonderful woman who is now my step mom. She is (just as this woman who your ex has met) seemingly perfect, and therefore, I'm sure was very intimidating for my Mom. HOWEVER... One would never be able to replace the other. They simply have to share me, as you will have to do with this new woman in order to keep the peace in your family, and show your strength to your girls. There is no way to replace a Mother. YOU are their mother. This new woman may end up sharing experiences with your kids that you wish you had shared with them instead, but those experiences are ones that are going to help your kids grow into beautiful young women. If this woman is able to offer a positive influence on your girls, then she is a gift to them. She gives them the opportunity to not only have a wonderful mother who cares deeply about them (you), as well as another positive, female, adult role model in their lives. I didn't see it at the time, but looking back at it now, that was hugely important to me in my confusing teenage years. Not all young girls are as lucky, to have not one, but two women to help them through that time.

    You are a wonderful, beautiful, strong woman, and you have made it so far in your sobriety. Please try to see the positive side of this situation so that you can continue growing in a positive way with your sobriety also. there are always going to be road blocks, and this one is huge. So when (not if), WHEN you conquer this one, you will have proof to show yourself that you can keep going in the right direction, no matter what life throws at you. Best of luck.

  4. prettier, skinnier and more fun don't make a mom. YOU are their mom. They love YOU. Congrats on 10 months. I am so proud of you.

  5. Have you started your steps? A 4th/5th step would help immensely with the fear and resentment. You don't have to drink over it if you're willing to do the work.


    1. Thanks for all the posts & A HAPPY JOYOUS SOBER NEW YEAR TO ALL!

  7. Try to accept their excitement at this new woman as an indication of the openhearted, brave young women you raised, be proud. They will never love her as much as they love their own mother. There is only one.

  8. You will never lose them to the new woman. Ever. You are not replaceable. Trust me. I am that new woman. And I know it is not possible and I wouldn't even try.
    10 months is fantastic. You're doing great.