Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Afraid Something Bad Is Going To Happen

***Submitted by Anonymous

I've been a "social" drinker since college - I'm 50.  The last few years I've been drinking more and more.  My friends and neighbors have no idea how much and often I actually drink (every night).  A couple of years ago I started forgetting conversations I would have at night with my teenage children.  In the morning I would ask them a question about whatever we had already discussed and they would say,"I told you last night".  My response was; "Oh, that's right", and change the subject not knowing some key piece of information that I needed to know as a parent.  There were many times that I didn't know they were going somewhere or needed some school supplies or a form filled out.

Recently I have started forgetting going to bed most nights. A couple of mornings my husband has said something referring to the night before (sex), and I have no memory of it (although I would never tell him that).  

What has really started to scare me is that I have taken several bad falls in the last few months while drinking.  The most recent, I was sitting outside with a neighbor having wine and I stood up only to fall face first on the street.  I couldn't leave my house for a week.  

My neighbor was shocked because she said I was talking perfectly normal before I stood up and she didn't think that I had that much to drink.  The next day I called her and acted like I had no idea what happened to me that caused me to fall. Another time, I fell in my house and also hit my head pretty hard. There have been other falls as well.

I don't want to drink any more.  

Everyone I know drinks in most situations.  It seems like it's just what people do when they get together and their kids are older now - kind of like a "right of passage" after all those difficult years.  But the biggest problem that I have is that my husband drinks - a lot.  I don't drink as much as he does but he also doesn't know how much I "sneak" drink.  That way, I can tell him how much he's drinking and how upset I am about it and I don't have to admit that I also have a problem.  Even though he drinks much more than I do, he never falls or forget things.  I'm worried that I won't be able to not have that glass of wine (or many) when he is having many himself.  

I'm really afraid that something bad is going to happen and don't know how to stop it.

18 comments:

  1. Good for you that you recognize a serious problem. Regular drinking that increases over time with memory lapses ("blackouts") and falls (with injuries) are, indeed, dangerous signs and, yes, something worse could happen if things don't change. You can't control your husband's drinking, but you can start with yourself. Have you considered going to an AA meeting? I thought it was not for me, but it has provided a place where I find comfort and community that has changed my life for the better. You are not alone - believe me when I say that, please. Getting sober is the best thing I have done for myself as well as my child. I am really concerned for your safety from what you have described. Join the Booze Free Brigade group which has a link on the Crying Out Now page. There is a whole recovery community waiting to support you with open and nonjudgmental arms. You will find an open recovery community wherever you seek to get help, whether it's AA, BFB, or Women for Sobriety. Please do something now, though, before it is too late. In time, sobriety while bring you a level of clarity and hopefulness that you are worthy of. All my best. Christine

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  2. Thank you for having the strength to share your story. This is the first step! I totally understand where you're coming from in regards to your husband, my husband also drinks. When I quit drinking, he continued and still drinks but he has cut way back in the past few months. For him it's not as fun without a drinking partner and so now we do other things. We go for walks, go to the movies, go out to eat in little cafes that don't serve alcohol which was always a no no for us! I also have to say though that when I quit I put me first and still do. My sobriety is what's most important so things have changed but it has changed for the better! I wish you luck, if you are ready you can do it!
    ~Angel

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  3. Oh, your story is SO MUCH like mine. Your drinking sounds very, very much like mine did. I was also a social drinker- a "party girl". My husband and I were very social, drank lots of wine, had lots of friends over. I slowed way down while raising my little kids but, like you, my drinking increased once my kids got older. I hid my drinking in sneaky ways so I could maintain my perfect buzz. By the end I was paranoid, anxious, sick. I had horrible insomnia and bruises. My husband still drinks and I have been sober for a year and 5 months. He is proud of me, but continues to drink and there is alcohol in our home. Not everyone gets sober like that though--some remove alcohol from their home--some go to rehab. The way I did it was through AA. I have a sponsor and worked the 12 steps. It has given me so much freedom. I am fully present with my kids, practice rigorous self care and live a much more balanced and serene life. You never have to feel this way again. Just don't pick up that first drink, keep reaching out and taking good care of yourself. We are here for you. You are not alone!

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  4. You are definitely not alone. Most of us here and on the BFB have been where you are or close, or worse. When I drove the wrong way down a one way with my son in the car, I knew something had to change. I am still struggling but closer to sobriety you can be too. Keep sharing. It really helps.
    Trish

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  5. You have taken the first step and admitted you had a problem. I am all too familiar with the 'black outs' Sad to say they don't get better. Alcoholism is a slow progressive disease. What has been working for me is AA (womens groups) they understand, they are non judgemental and they will love you until you can love yourself.

    I never thought I would not drink alcohol, my social life centered around it, my friends. I didn't have a choice I was on a path that would have ultimately ended in my demise.

    Im @ 10 months sober and sober life is good. Clear head and thoughts, no more isolating or sneaking the next drink, no more guilt . The obsession of thinking when I was going to have the next drink is gone. It is possible!. Keep reaching out. My sobriety is my priority.
    Hugs

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  6. Try AA meetings and keep postings-there's several sober forums on line & you can stay anonymous &wont feel alone. GOOD LUCK & DON'T STOP TRYING TO QUIT-eventually you will get that 1st day,then the 1st week and then 30 days-ONE DAY AT TIME! Just keep reaching out for help you can & will quit-millions of people have DELETED alcohol completely out of their lifes and so can you-WE CAN ALL DO IT TOGETHER!

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  7. I remember in my drinking days I always carried with me that sense of foreboding ... that sense that something even worse was going to happen, or that I would be "found out" and then everything would fall apart.

    Breaking free of any habitual problematic behavioural pattern is not easy so do search out all forms of help and support. It's too easy to hide away and feel ashamed but really and truly there is no need. Anyone can develop this problem and it is far more common than you might suppose.

    Marg is so right. My experience mirrors hers. Warmest hugs to you xx Jos

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  8. I'm 52...and 4 years ago, I 'crashed'. I believe that women our age have some time, a little extra money, and don't have babies...along with the hormone issue...all makes for a perfect equation for full-blown alcoholism. TAKE HEED AND DEAL WITH IT NOW! I wish I had before I totally embarrassed my family, ruined my reputation with our friends, had a serious DUI (my first). Alcoholism is a PROGRESSIVE illness, and only gets worse, and each 'episode' will be worse. I am 2 1/2 years sober, have the respect and love of my family, and I'm actually loving and enjoying life WITHOUT alcohol! I never thought that would happen. I thought I would just suffer-through! My husband drinks A LOT, and that was very difficult, and still is an issue. I LOVE waking up without a hangover, and without that dreadful feeling of remorse!!! God bless you! Take this seriously, NOW!!!

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    1. How true your post is! I am on day 2....again, sadly. Over the past two years, both my daughters have entered college and my husband and I are empty nesters with lists of time on our hands. All the soccer, field hockey and lacrosse games are over so there is lots of time for dinner and wine...I find I don't have to leave the house at all on the weekends. I am glad I found this online community. Jen

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  9. All very good advice above. It takes courage to admit to the problem, your first step to getting sober. Pray ALOT, God will give you the strength to quit, you can't do it on your own strength. With Him all things are possible. That is how I quit, and never thought I would. I don't even miss it. I like myself now. I like waking up in the morning without the hangover headache, feeling of shame, weight gain, etc. It all comes down to a choice. Start walking everyday, a lot. This will help with all the demons in your head. There are reasons you are numbing yourself with alcohol. You have to make the choice to stop, pray for strength and wisdom. I'm praying for you now! You are worth so much more. Your family is worth it. Your life is worth it. Blessings of peace for you.

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    1. Thank you for your prayers. I really appreciate your kindness!

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  10. Dear You,
    I have been sober for about a year and a half, but I would have been sober a lot earlier if I hadn't let myself believe that I had to keep drinking because my husband drank and it was the major focus of our marriage. I finally got so sick and physically dependent that I knew I had to quit, and if our marriage didn't make it, so be it.

    The good news is my marriage survived and my husband has been my biggest supporter in my sobriety. The bad news is, he continues to drink, heavily, and that is very difficult. It doesn't make me want to drink, but I can barely tolerate him when he's drinking. I've fought detaching from him because I really love him, he is my best friend, but I've finally reached the point that I no longer say anything about his drinking. I've told him, "I can't control your drinking, all I can do is control what I do about my own life in response to your drinking." I've taken steps to become independent of him (I became very dependent at the height of my drinking) and it scares him. He is trying to drink less, but he doesn't realize for people like us that is not always an option. I think he is so supportive of my sobriety because he depends on me to keep his drinking in check. I can't do that anymore, it is too exhausting.

    I was where you were, most of us have been there, the defensive conversations where we try to hide that we don't remember what has already been discussed, the hesitancy to pick up a phone for the same reason, running into a friend and not knowing what we might have said to them last time we talked to them.

    Quit now. I can guarantee that you will be thankful you did.

    I have kind of free-styled my own recovery, by relying on online blogs and message boards for my support. It's worked for me. If you'd like to read about my journey, you can check out my blog. http://godwalkedintothisbar.blogspot.com/ You'll find links to several other sober blogs there. You are not alone and you are not unique, you're not going to tell us anything we haven't already heard or lived ourselves.

    Best Wishes,
    Kary

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  11. Good to hear you and to read the comments. I think it was my pride that got me sober, didn't want to look bad. My life was starting to resemble my fathers life. He was never drunk but he and my mother had a life that I don't want to repeat. Good luck, it won't be easy but it will be worth it.

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  12. Everyone here has so much in common. You will realize how many of us are in our 50's and needing to change. Some stories are very scarey and it makes me realize how lucky l am to have gotten out before it was to late. 64 days sober with help from close family and friends. I did AA on line as my town is to small and l am to well known. I have taught most of the town and needed privacy for the sake of my family.Help is out there you just have to find the right fit for your life. I do miss being the party girl but wake up every morning so greatful that l did not drink the day before. The holidays were tough but after two months in l told more people and thaf helped. This is a very personal journey. You will never have better advice than these women. Please follow it but know that it can be done on your terms if you are honest and true to yourself. There is not a one size fits all cure. I do think that my saving grace was not having any booze in the house. As my husband has always had a healthy relationship with alcohol it was not a huge issue. I do feel if it was always around that l might have lapsed. Be true to your self and believe in your self. Karen

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  13. First: You are not alone.
    Second: You can do this.
    Third: We are help to help you. Together we learn and travel from (I)llness (alone) to (WE)llness (together).

    You have reached out with sharing your story - that shows amazing courage and resilience - and many in this online community have reached back. You are on your way.

    You have now read some of these comments - as I have. No judgement, instead there is lots of love, support, prayer, and honest sharing. We are here.

    I am 57, recently re-sobered in AA for last 16 months. I used lots of mental machinations to leave AA, go back out and drink after 15 years sobriety. That "research" was both a success and a failure depending on how I choose to look at it.

    I am convinced beyond a doubt that this is a disease that is unrelenting and deadly. These online communities and AA have been invaluable in my being sober today. My insomnia, blackouts, hangovers, depression, self-loathing, regret, self-hatred, etc. are gone.

    Today is the only day to keep in your life. Forget about yesterday. Tomorrow is not today.

    Don't drink today. Don't drink right now. Be very simple with taking care of your self. Use more of that courage and resilience that you used to submit your writing.

    You are not alone.
    You can do this.
    We are here to help you.

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