***Submitted by Anonymous
A note from Ellie, Lisa & Michele: All of us have our memories of things we did while drinking that haunt us (or if we're still drinking, things that haunt us today), and it takes a lot of courage to talk about them openly, especially in new sobriety. Please honor her courage and offer words of support and comfort. Thank you.
I stumbled upon this site and am so grateful to have found it. I didn’t think there were any other mothers out there like me. I am educated, no one in my family is an alcoholic-I can’t be, right?
Today is day 6 being sober.
You see last week, I started drinking one afternoon from a beer tap in the garage at 3pm, left my baby in her highchair to drive to get more wine, then later, left her in the highchair and drove to get food.
When I was driving home, I hit a parked car on my street but in my drunken stupor thought it wasn’t a big deal. (A hit and run!)
I vaguely remember trying to shove a spoon in my baby’s mouth to get her to eat baby food, only to see her crying. I remember the look on her face-my eyes well up just writing about it. I was being mean. I felt mean at the time I remember.
I pass out and don’t remember the rest of the night and wake at 4am only to remember that I “think” I hit a car last night. I run outside and see a huge piece missing from my car.
I wake up my husband and told him what happened and start sobbing like I have never before, saying, “What’s wrong with me?” We go out on the street to find the car I hit but it is gone. There is only a piece of my front car found on the street.
I wish I could say this is the first time I have passed out, blacked out, left my baby to run and get more booze….but its not.
I feel embarrassed, confused, sad…..I make an appointment with a therapist who wants me to go to a meeting but I ‘m not ready yet. My husband says maybe I am overwhelmed with motherhood?
I explain to him yes, it can be boring and yet overwhelming, but I have been drinking like a drunk long before I was a mother. This wasn’t an isolated incident.
MY husband is in the beer biz (great huh) and a moderate drinker. He keeps everything in the garage which I obviously avoid. We have agreed to cancel our New Year’s plans to go to a party and are going to do something quiet and nice at home instead.
Yesterday, I met a mom at the playground and realized, it was the first time I had been there and NOT been hungover!
I had a great conversation with her. It was real. The past year, (couple of years) I have been living in a fog…I want to FEEL things again. It’s been a long time…
Today is day 6 being sober and I have been very emotional…A song will make me cry….But I feel good. I have an amazing family, husband, baby, friends and life.
Today I am sober. And for that, I am forever grateful.