Wednesday, December 12, 2012

A Brave Mom Tells A Hard Truth, And Starts Day 7


***Submitted by Anonymous

A note from Ellie, Lisa & Michele: All of us have our memories of things we did while drinking that haunt us (or if we're still drinking, things that haunt us today), and it takes a lot of courage to talk about them openly, especially in new sobriety. Please honor her courage and offer words of support and comfort.  Thank you.

I stumbled upon this site and am so grateful to have found it. I didn’t think there were any other mothers out there like me. I am educated, no one in my family is an alcoholic-I can’t be, right?

Today is day 6 being sober.

You see last week, I started drinking one afternoon from a beer tap in the garage at 3pm, left my baby in her highchair to drive to get more wine, then later, left her in the highchair and drove to get food. 

When I was driving home, I hit a parked car on my street but in my drunken stupor thought it wasn’t a big deal.  (A hit and run!) 

I vaguely remember trying to shove a spoon in my baby’s mouth to get her to eat baby food, only to see her crying. I remember the look on her face-my eyes well up just writing about it. I was being mean. I felt mean at the time I remember.

I pass out and don’t remember the rest of the night and wake at 4am only to remember that I “think” I hit a car last night. I run outside and see a huge piece missing from my car. 

I wake up my husband and told him what happened and start sobbing like I have never before, saying, “What’s wrong with me?” We go out on the street to find the car I hit but it is gone. There is only a piece of my front car found on the street.

I wish I could say this is the first time I have passed out, blacked out, left my baby to run and get more booze….but its not.

I feel embarrassed, confused, sad…..I make an appointment with a therapist who wants me to go to a meeting but I ‘m not ready yet. My husband says maybe I am overwhelmed with motherhood? 

I explain to him yes, it can be boring and yet overwhelming, but I have been drinking like a drunk long before I was a mother. This wasn’t an isolated incident.

MY husband is in the beer biz (great huh) and a moderate drinker.  He keeps everything in the garage which I obviously avoid. We have agreed to cancel our New Year’s plans to go to a party and are going to do something quiet and nice at home instead.

Yesterday, I met a mom at the playground and realized, it was the first time I had been there and NOT been hungover! 

I had a great conversation with her. It was real. The past year, (couple of years) I have been living in a fog…I want to FEEL things again. It’s been a long time…

Today is day 6 being sober and I have been very emotional…A song will make me cry….But I feel good. I have an amazing family, husband, baby, friends and life. 

Today I am sober. And for that, I am forever grateful.

18 comments:

  1. As the daughter of an alcoholic mother, I am so proud of you for being brave enough to seek help and stop drinking. You, your daughter and your husband will be better for it!

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  2. You are so brave to post so honestly. I really admire and applaud you. Listen, many of us are allergic to alcohol. Our bodies process it differently from normal drinkers. You are NOT alone. The allergy does weird things to us. It causes us to black out. It changes our personality (thus the angry behavior with your daughter). It is basically a poison to our body and it just does not belong in our bodies because of the allergy. You are doing the right thing keeping it outside. Even one little, eensy-weensy amount will ignite the allergy and a craving will ensue. You will want more. It will be the main thing on your mind until the craving is satisfied. Having the allergy is not your fault. But now you are taking action to protect yourself and your daughter from your allergy by keeping the alcohol out of your body. Many of us use AA to help us keep from drinking because it is effective and it is free, but there are ways such as an addiction therapist, etc. Just remember that your husband cares about you but he doesn't understand the allergy and may never understand it. People have a lot of trouble with change and the idea of you not drinking anymore might be too scary for him to deal with, especially with his career in the beer industry. But he will be able to accept the change some day and you can rely on the sober community to help you get to that point.

    xoxox

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  3. I can only echo the above sentiments - you are so brave for writing so honestly about what you are experiencing. I am the child of an alcoholic and an alcoholic myself. I have a beautiful family, a college degree, a wonderful career - and I have not had a drink in almost three years.

    They have been the best three years of my life.

    You can do this. You are your daughter's hero. Actually, it's more like Superhero since this will be hard but you can do it. Keep reaching out - there are hands that will help you and people that will love you until you can love yourself.

    Above all...you are not and will never be alone in this.

    Endless faith,
    Sherry

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  4. You are amazing and brave! You are going to feel raw for a while. Embrace that! It's scarey at first, I would usually drink through feelings...happy feelings-celebrate...sad feelings-medicate.....to feel it "real" is a gift. I have had so many "aha moments" of clarity and you will too!

    I HAD 120 days and thought I had this licked. NOT! I am now on my new Day 3, but this time with supports....books, friends, looking for an AA group as we are new to this area, and this blog! Stay here and type!
    Thoughts to you today!
    Jan

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  5. I am on Day 3....

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  6. Amazing, isn't it, how alcohol can make you lose your moral compass? I can hardly believe some of the things I did--I feel like I don't even know that person.

    In the grip of addiction we lose our true selves, but with time and patience, in sobriety we can find them again. Huge congratulations for your courageous start.

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  7. I applaud your honest account of your drinking. It takes a lot to look at how this poison has affected us. Take heart, you are reaching out and there are so many women who can relate to you. This is a wonderful resource, and face to face meetings help in an entirely different way. You are NOT alone. Please don't isolate. Keep seeking others with the same allergy to alcohol that you have... Dump on us, we GET you. You can do it. Just keep it in perspective, you don't have to think long term, especially in the beginning. Just for right now, decide not to drink this hour. Then this day, eventually you'll have a few days behind you and some of that fog and shame will lift and reveal that there is hope of a better life. We have to let it happen for us. I have 12 sober days behind me, and already I feel different and a tad stronger. I'm so thankful for this group, I hope you find the same experience. You are never alone! There is a whole world out there filled with other moms in recovery, and we're not going to let shame keep us in this disease. We're MORE than our worst moments. We are loved. Sending you big hugs, and keeping you in my prayers.

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  8. Great that you can be so honest and brave to share with us. Now dig deep into that wonderful warrior female soul that you so clearly have and take a really deep breath and think really hard about making the change. Here's a secret. It is totally possible to live a life without alcohol. Trust me, it is. And trust these women above... there are so many of us like you who used to be gripped with misery and addiction and now we have told that bastard booze to get the FUCK out of our lives!! Sorry for swearing but WE ARE BIGGER AND STRONGER THAN THAT BASTARD BOOZE!!! I once left my baby in bed and drove to the supermarket to get more wine. I remember walking around the isles thinking 'this is wrong'.. luckily no car crashes but ... the bad decision, the addictive behavior was all there. Now I live sober and I am so much happier. You can too! Enough ranting from me. Bye bye xxxx

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  9. You are doing one of the most important things we can do when we get sober: You are pulling back the curtain on your secrets and sharing them with those who understand. Getting honest with yourself, your husband, your therapist, and other recovering alcoholics will open the door to freedom. It takes great courage. You sound like you are ready to embark on this path to a completely different life.

    There is nothing special or unique about me. If I can reach out for help, do what others have done, and live a sober life, which for this alcoholic is a MIRACLE, anyone can. We just have to be willing to begin to recover. Removing the alcohol is just the first thing, but it doesn't fix us on the inside. The recovery is what helps us live a peaceful, meaningful existence. You are NOT alone.

    I have done so many things when drinking that the shame just pushed me toward another drink to drown out the horror. This is the cycle we get trapped in. But there is a way out. Just open that door a crack and you will see the light shine through. Alcoholism will eventually rob us of everything we hold dear. For me, it took away my dignity, my self-respect, my honest, true self, and all but destroyed my relationship with my beautiful daughter. Sobriety and recovery have restored those things and taken them to new levels.

    Early sobriety is scary, disorienting, exciting, and confusing. Let others who have walked this road help you. My gentle suggestion is to reach out to your local recovery community, as your therapist has suggested. I wasn't "ready" either. I remember talking a lot about not being ready, would I ever be ready, etc. Had I waited until I was "ready", I'd be dead (or my precious son or some other innocent soul might be). That's just how it got for me in the end. I could no longer guarantee what would happen if I took that FIRST drink. We are here for you. Keep sharing. Consider seeking face-to-face support with others in your area. There is nothing quite like it. Whatever you do, all you have to remember is just not to pick up that first drink. If you just don't drink, you won't get drunk.

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  10. Thank you for your honesty. I was you 9 months ago. Somehow justifying leaving my children asleep at home to go on a "run". All the time knowing this was not the mother I dreamed of being. That was not the exmple I wanted to give my daughter. The cycle HAD to stop or something very very bad was going to happen. The crap that happened while drinking is too much to bear. I had to seek the help of AA and work the program toward reclaiming my life. I got to those rooms beat down and reluctant, but today by not only putting alcohol down, but learning to LIVE again is what changed me. I'm proud of myself and the way I can mother today. I no longer have that monkey on my back and am no longer making more of those horrible memories. This can be your path too. I could always trick a therapist, it wasn't until I got some cold hard honesty from AA,that I was able to truly heal. I wish you love on your journey. Motherhood is not easy, but Alcoholism will destroy your life and those you hold dear.

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  11. Put one foot in front of the other and walk away from the booze. We are all here for you.

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  12. There's usual 24 hour x-mas & new years eve AA meetings & sober parties for the people that don't want to be near alcohol. This might be a great time to go to AA and your husband can join you-this is a time when AA people tend to be more friendly-and the parties are free and so many stories you will hear about staying sober during the holidays. MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU FOR BEING FOR YOUR HONESTY & COURAGE. Be careful what you 1st tell your therapist-by law she/he might have to report you about leaving the children to buy booze but-keep posting here its very safe. HAVE SOBER HOLIDAYS!

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  13. I got teary eyed reading your post because I relate so much. I don't have any kids but I can understand how alcohol took you to that place. I have woke up many times to that total fear of "what happened" it's one of the worst feelings and I have done it over...and over. I hope you find the strength to keep your sobriety. It's such a better way of life. It's not easy...you have to work at it.

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  14. Hi there. Stumbled upon this site via Ellie's crafty mother blog. I just wanted to say to the author of this post that while I simply cannot relate to any of what you're going through (with the exception of being a stay at home mom), I just wanted to send some love your way. I can't imagine what you're going through but it sure seems like many others here do and all of their advice sounds quite wise. I don't have any advice to offer (not even sure I should comment!!) but just wanted you to know that there are many people out there rooting for you personally.

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  15. I am on Day 1 ... again! I hope and pray this time is for real. I have had many binge drinking escapades for the last 25 years. I have 3 young kids, and last night I got wasted in front of them and my sweet husband and my parents. I dont remember many details. I have also in the past hit a parked car and driven away. After last night, seeing the confused look on my young childrens faces, the worried look from my parents, and my husband having to take care of everything, I am ashamed and embarassed.
    Your story sounds so much like mine. Lets quit this while our babies are still young. There is hope. We have to believe that there can be a good future without alcohol. Good luck to you.

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  16. Like SoberMom, I have three years sober now. I quit drinking when my kids were very young. We can't undo the past, but if you get sober now, your daughter will have a lifetime with a sober mother, and that is AMAZING. There's some saying (Buddhist?) that the first step toward wisdom is to call something by its true name, and you're doing that. I applaud you for your honesty and bravery. Like others, I have found incredible support and friendship in AA, which also has the virtue of being the least judgmental place on earth. I'll be rooting for you!

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  17. I really appreciate your story. I know how you feel which is why I am beginning my sobriety today; if I don't, I will die. Started drinking yesterday morning and drove my kids to the wine store for more wine! I was drunk and could have killed my boys! What a wake up call is that! So today, January 5th, 2013, I begin a new life.

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