***Submitted by Anonymous
A note from Ellie: this was submitted a month ago as a Truthful Thursday post, and I asked her if I could post it here because I know so many people will relate to her words. Due to the queue of posts it is just going up now. I don't know if she has maintained her sobriety or not, but I'm sure she is still in need of comfort and support either way. I really identified with that feeling of being so alone; please offer any words of advice, comfort and support that you can.
I am a first time Mom to the love of my life, my almost 8 month old boy.
I know today is not Thursday, but this past Thursday I was in the ER...getting hydrated...again because I thought, yet again...that I could be "normal" and have a glass of wine.
Countless bottles later I accept, I am not "normal". I cannot drink.
The reason why I am writing is because at this very moment, 2 days sober, sitting feet away from my precious boy and loving husband...I cannot stop beating myself up over letting myself get to blackout drunk while my husband was out of town and I was home alone with our son.
I feel like I'm the only person who has ever done this...I know I'm not...but I've been searching online for reassurance that I still am the best mother to my little man.
I just don't feel like I deserve that title at this moment.
I started drinking late (24 years old...and didn't hit the bad turn until early-mid 30's...I just turned 39). I decided to do an outpatient rehab in January 2011...by May I was pregnant & happily still sober (we had been trying and hoping), by the time my son was born this past Feb. 2012...I was over a year sober and didn't see any reason to drink ever again.
But it's now happened, I tried...I failed...I have a huge bruise on my side...and a couple nights this past week are completely blurry...if not gone from my mind.
I know I fed my son, and I changed him...somehow I did what was necessary, but I still put him in danger and I can't forgive myself.
I just feel like there isn't anyone else who would do this...is there?
Looking for meetings tomorrow, I even have a sponsor already.
Just wide awake right now looking for someone I can relate with to tell me it's going to be okay.