Friday, November 23, 2012

Looking For Someone To Relate To Her - Feeling Alone


***Submitted by Anonymous

A note from Ellie: this was submitted a month ago as a Truthful Thursday post, and I asked her if I could post it here because I know so many people will relate to her words.  Due to the queue of posts it is just going up now. I don't know if she has maintained her sobriety or not, but I'm sure she is still in need of comfort and support either way. I really identified with that feeling of being so alone; please offer any words of advice, comfort and support that you can.

I am a first time Mom to the love of my life, my almost 8 month old boy. 
I was searching all night online for blogs about moms who are alcoholics, found yours and saw Truthful Thursdays on Ellie's blog One Crafty Mother.
I know today is not Thursday, but this past Thursday I was in the ER...getting hydrated...again because I thought, yet again...that I could be "normal" and have a glass of wine.
Countless bottles later I accept, I am not "normal". I cannot drink.
The reason why I am writing is because at this very moment, 2 days sober, sitting feet away from my precious boy and loving husband...I cannot stop beating myself up over letting myself get to blackout drunk while my husband was out of town and I was home alone with our son.
I feel like I'm the only person who has ever done this...I know I'm not...but I've been searching online for reassurance that I still am the best mother to my little man.
I just don't feel like I deserve that title at this moment.
I started drinking late (24 years old...and didn't hit the bad turn until early-mid 30's...I just turned 39). I decided to do an outpatient rehab in January 2011...by May I was pregnant & happily still sober (we had been trying and hoping), by the time my son was born this past Feb. 2012...I was over a year sober and didn't see any reason to drink ever again.
But it's now happened, I tried...I failed...I have a huge bruise on my side...and a couple nights this past week are completely blurry...if not gone from my mind.
I know I fed my son, and I changed him...somehow I did what was necessary, but I still put him in danger and I can't forgive myself.
I just feel like there isn't anyone else who would do this...is there?
Looking for meetings tomorrow, I even have a sponsor already.
Just wide awake right now looking for someone I can relate with to tell me it's going to be okay.

7 comments:

  1. You are not alone. This was my story and the story of countless moms, who share the disease of alcoholism. There might not be a "cure" (as in, somehow recovering and being able to drink like a normal person -- something most, of not all, of us have chased and chased) but there is a solution. Reach out. Get help. You really are stronger than you know.

    Sending love and hope.

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  2. I did this. I did this over and over and over. I put my kids in danger so many times and hated myself for it. I agree with Alisun. You are not alone. You are taking steps to stay sober by finding a meeting and a sponsor. That's what worked, and still works, for me. Ive now been sober almost 4 years. Proof that it can work for you too. You are on the path to get there. Prayers for you today. Thanks for sharing and reminding me what it was like. You can do it!!

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  3. Im only on day 29 but know how it feels to realize after several attempts of being sure that l could drink like normal people. It took me years and years to fingure this out. You sound like you are in good place and seeking the help you need right now. You must know we all have regrets and shame. But only 29 days in l know l will go back to that place again. Do be sure to get a support system in place. A friend that probably already knows and only has your besr interest at heart. You be surprised where the support comes from. You should try a Sober Time calculater. It tracks the time you are sober ...days months and hours. Seeing it in print makes real and understand the progress is real. Stay strong and l hope this is helpful. I am so glad you are realistic about your situation. I think finally thinking clearly l was able to stay the course. You can do this. XOXO

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    1. My above reply should have said that l will NEVER go back to that place again. I must learn to proof read before l send :)

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  4. My first lasting sobriety began when I found out I was pregnant. I was proud to be over a year sober and breastfeeding a beautiful son. The difficulty came many months post partum When the blues PR depression began. ( not to mention the sleep deprivation and numerous other changes our bodies must endure afte giving birth) sometimes I think as women we do not understand the true toll the birth process and motherhood takes on our bodies, minds and spirits. It is an exhausting challenge that lasts years in many cases.

    As a recovering alcoholic those years post partum can be dangerous as the hungry, angry lonely, and tired body is vulnerable to relapse. My story is similar to yours as my son was alone with me during active addiction and I too hated who I was when drinking.

    The one thing I ALWAYS want to say to others still struggling or newly sober is this: NEVER EVER give up. I thought would never live a sober life, and worse yet even if I did manage to to find sobriety I pictured years of White knuckled barely hanging on and constantly craving a drink or some type of relief living.

    Not so, life is good i am 8 years sober and rarely think about a drink. It is a true miracle. And I wish u the best.Never stop

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  5. So glad you found this Blog and had the courage to share your story. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I could have filled my house with the shame I felt when I first got sober and then again when I relapsed. The good news is that the shame goes away and you DO feel good about yourself again with time, with meetings, with a sponsor and with a program. It took me a while but I finally realized that it's bigger than me and that I cant do it alone. I had to completely surrender to this in order to get better. YOU CAN DO IT TOO...one day at a time!

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  6. I too am a mom and have been sober for 35 days. You are not alone. What is incredible to me is, the more information I seek out about moms who drink, the more I realize that I am not on an island isolated or alone. You are not alone!!! The guilt and shame that surround our drinking is incredible to me. As a mother, I have lived the greater part of my life feeling guilty because at the end of the day, someone didn't get what they wanted or needed. I didn't get a project finished at work, I didn't spend enough time with my husband, did I spend enough quality time with my daughter or make sure she read enough? Add my drinking on top of that and the guilt and shame was enough to make anyone have a nervous breakdown. Of course, most of my drinking took place after my daughter went to bed, and I rationalized that I deserved that bottle of wine at the end of the hectic day. Blacked out and remembering nothing the next morning, I awoke way too many mornings in a panic wondering what I did and God forbid, did my daughter need me and I couldn't wake up? It is painful even now recounting the last night I drank.

    I have found incredible support, love and light through CON and the BoozeFreeBrigade. We are your people and we will support and love you no matter where you are with your drinking. I have also attended a few AA meetings and plan to continue and find a sponsor because I know that I need face to face accountability in addition to the virtual support. You can do this, you are stronger than you think you are and there is a huge community of women just like you standing in the wings ready to support you and help you get through this. Sending love and light your way.

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