Friday, October 19, 2012

I Almost Died Today


***Submitted by Tracy

I could have died today, but I didn't. 

Instead I clawed my way out of an upside down heap of metal an broken glass into a rain filled gutter of rotting leaves.  Wet, cold, shaken and in shock.  Can't I just flip this thing over and head on home...I was almost there.

I am making today the end of my tumultuous relationship with alcohol.  My heart pounds as I write.  My fingers blistered, head aching and nausea visiting me in waves...yet I am here, alive, barely.  Forlorn, remorseful...trying to find hope on the other side of a wreck that has been a slow train coming.  I guess I knew in my heart of hearts that this day would come.  The one I've been denying for so many years.  Thankfully, it was only me involved in a brush with death.  It could have been much worse.  I could have harmed more than my flesh and bones and ego.  

To look at my life and how blessed it is and then to blame such poor decision making on the stress of it, the demands of it, the drama of it and the absurdity of it.  I can always find a reason for some escape.  

At this moment, I am terribly saddened...face red and eyes puffy.  I don't even smell good and I hate what I have done and how deluded I have become in my everyday existence...and why?  Have I nothing better to do?  But of course, but of course...and as my tears stain this page, I am looking into my mind's eye at my drunken morning accident.  

Hours of shivering cold, wet, covered in dead leaves at a police station with some very gratuitous and kind officers...I am looking back and seeing my husband and daughter drive by at three in the morning to see mommy walking the line in the flashing lights...car wheels spinning in the misty night.  

Broken glass, broken heart as they have to leave such a mess behind to let the police do their job.  It's horrible.  

A horror story.

As this page as my witness, I am committing to living a life free of alcohol.  Damn, just thinking that makes me sad.  I will miss enjoying a tasty brew and a complex wine, but it's killing me...it's burying me alive.  

Today I am digging my way free from my self imposed grave.  

21 comments:

  1. Chilling...."Digging myself free from my self-imposed grave"...
    there is so much help and so much hope out there for you. I am sure they will make you go to AA, I think that's just normal for DUI offenses...
    grab on. Grab on!
    There is support and love there, you will hear your story again and again, believe what the women and men in the rooms of AA say...

    we've al been where you are, brought to our knees by something.
    I am sending huge love and support, I am so glad you are not dead, you have a chance to live your life, really live it without the spectre of alcohol.

    I hope this is your day one...it's a beautiful day.

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  2. Rock bottom can be a beautiful gift. It's not the mistakes we make that define us, it is what we do about them (saw that in the video in the post below, and it has become my new mantra).

    You can do this. Find people who understand - we're everywhere! :)

    -xo

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  3. Hi Tracy,
    You story gave me goosebumps. I could have so easy been right where you are. I got behind the wheel more times than I care to admit -- sometimes alone, sometimes with others. Thankfully you survived and this can be the first day of a new life. It really can be. You don't have to drink again. Not ever.

    It is not poor decision-making that you suffer from, my friend. You suffer from the disease of alcoholism. It is a fatal disease (as you were made aware of today) but there is help and, one day at a time, your life can change.

    My suggestion is that you get help now. For me it was all too easy to wait a day or two and then decide, "It wasn't really that bad." What I know now is that was my disease talking. It will always get worst -- that is the nature of alcoholism.

    Don't think about forever -- just for today, don't pick up a drink.

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  4. Oh, Tracy you can and will do this. Believe me, I was sad when I thought I would never drink again. Now with just under 6 months sober I am anything but sad. It is a wonderful, fulfilling journey. You are alive, now live your life! <3

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  5. ((((Tracy))))
    You're going to hear "There but for the grace of God, go I" a lot. Turn that around. Read all of these testimonials from women who have been or could have been where you were this morning, these woman that have chosen to end their pain, and think to yourself, "There with the grace of God, go I."

    You have a purpose in this life and it isn't being a drunk.

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  6. Tracy, it takes so much courage to reveal your story. Thank you for sharing. Please know that you are NOT alone in this fight. There are so many of us here to support and encourage and listen. You have already taken a step in turning your life around. It is NEVER too late. xoxoxox

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  7. Tracy this is it. Your jumping off point. Hold onto it and use it to propel you forward into action. Get some help and don't drink today. If you're willing to do the work, your life can become so beautiful. The alcohol is a liar. Sending love.

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  8. You're on the path now, Tracy, Welcome; we're here for you, with you, beside you and behind you all the way.

    "We've been where you're hanging and we think we can see how you're pinned." thanks, Leonard Cohen and a bit of paraphrasing-but it's TRUE. We have and we did and we're here to help you do it too.

    Day One and one day at a time is the only way. Forever is too far to work out right now-for almost all of us, so we just take today, or this hour, or even sometimes just this very Minute. You can do it, Tracy, you truly can.

    Drop a line if you need some support or anything,
    Lynda at LMI dot net

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  9. Tracy,
    I was so close to hitting that same bottom. It's okay to mourn the loss of alcohol and feel sad about quitting. This was an amazing story and an obvious moment of clarity for you. The good news is...you never have to go there again. Thank you for sharing and reminding me how easy it would be to go back to the insanity of alcohol. Big prayers for a sober day and big thanks that you are alive!!

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  10. Welcome. We're all reaching out our hands, ready to pull you.

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  11. Tracy- I am so thankful you are physically ok - AND had the courage to write and reach out. I had no idea almost a year ago when I came out on this site that I'd meet the most amazing women and feel hopefulness about my future. I continue to learn tools to deal with life's challenges; however, none of the challenges are as bad as what could have been if I didn't stop drinking. This is your moment of clarity. A turning point. A painful opportunity that you may see as a gift when you have some time to heal and look back. PLEASE know you are not alone. There is an amazing supportive community around. Please text or call me if you want details. My thoughts are with you. Christine 510 205-9808.

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  12. Dear Tracy, hi. Thank you for sharing your moment....it's in those moments that we are truly our most honest because we are our most broken. I'm so glad that you're physically ok after the accident, how scary. And I know it's hard to imagine life without drinking right now but you really only need to think about not drinking 'today'. Thank you so much for sharing with us.

    You must exhausted mentally and physically and feel a come down from everything...sleep and eat well and sleep some more if you can. You will feel fragile but know that you are not alone and that the road can get a lot easier from here in. Some of us don’t make it. This is a tragedy. This is the case for my friend who was buried on Wednesday. He was only 42. It got him. It doesn't need to get you.

    There's a book called 'Living Sober' which I found so helpful in the early days. It will fit in your handbag and gives you really clear tools which can help in the early days while you're trying to live life on life's terms without taking the edge off with alcohol. I carried this around with me and even read it in the toilets at work when I needed it! Lots of easy to understand advice while the head is still feeling a little foggy.

    It's hard to see the rock bottom as a gift now but it very much can be...

    Be easy on yourself, take care
    Tracey x

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  13. You CAN do this, and you never have to be alone again. xo

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  14. I can write this same story, I hope you are a stronger person than I am.

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  15. Ah. My Goodness. You are NOT alone. You are NOT a bad person. I can empathize completely with your feelings of shame and desperation. I used to drive EVERY DAY with my tiny daughter half-strapped in her seat; me in a blackout. She knows nothing. She was saved because I seized that GIFT of desperation when it hit me hardest and before I smelled better or the leaves were brushed off, or my family looked at me with less derision. Before I had time to think again. I will have to find a tasty and complex LIFE, because the other stuff has skulls and crossbones across the bottle.

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  16. Hi:

    Wondering where you are today. Sober, I hope.

    Sally

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  17. Eight days without alcohol. I am looking into attending an AA meeting this week. I feel good about finally making this decision and just taking one day at a time! Thank you all for your comments. This site has helped me so much.
    Tracy

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  18. I very strongly urge you not to just "look into an AA meeting" but get there now. I have been sober for a long long time - still go to meetings and just announced again yesterday that AA saved my life. You probably can't do it alone - it takes accountability to others and to yourself - alcoholism is a killer and from what happened to you, you should know that. Don't be afraid you cannot stop - you never ever have to drink again.
    Sally

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  19. I've been in your shoes or your leaves...too many times. Maybe not always the police but the feeling you beautifully articulated. You don't every have to feel that way again. I've been in and out of rehab centers and AA and the one thing I can tell you is that it simply doesn't get better. Alcohol is a liar and it's Ism, "cunning, baffling, powerful." Don't let it tell you that it has the solution because it doesn't, at least not for me. I am so tired of it and the wreckage is frightening. But I didn't drink today so whatever I did today, I will do tomorrow - I went to 2 meetings today and listened to other alcoholics. There is a better way of life...

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  20. Thank God you're alive. Not to be a broken record but that would've been my story had I not found this site and another wonderful group called Women For Sobriety.
    http://womenforsobriety.org/beta2/
    I do it instead of AA. Lots of ladies do both. Just do what you need to to stay the course.
    Sending you love and healing.
    ~Tracy (!)

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  21. Do not think you are all alone, sometimes all you need to do is to look on any side, you can see someone who are willing to support you. Just keep your cool and be strong to face any situation.

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