***Submitted by Tracy
I could have died today, but I didn't.
Instead I clawed my way out of an upside down heap of metal an broken glass into a rain filled gutter of rotting leaves. Wet, cold, shaken and in shock. Can't I just flip this thing over and head on home...I was almost there.
I am making today the end of my tumultuous relationship with alcohol. My heart pounds as I write. My fingers blistered, head aching and nausea visiting me in waves...yet I am here, alive, barely. Forlorn, remorseful...trying to find hope on the other side of a wreck that has been a slow train coming. I guess I knew in my heart of hearts that this day would come. The one I've been denying for so many years. Thankfully, it was only me involved in a brush with death. It could have been much worse. I could have harmed more than my flesh and bones and ego.
To look at my life and how blessed it is and then to blame such poor decision making on the stress of it, the demands of it, the drama of it and the absurdity of it. I can always find a reason for some escape.
At this moment, I am terribly saddened...face red and eyes puffy. I don't even smell good and I hate what I have done and how deluded I have become in my everyday existence...and why? Have I nothing better to do? But of course, but of course...and as my tears stain this page, I am looking into my mind's eye at my drunken morning accident.
Hours of shivering cold, wet, covered in dead leaves at a police station with some very gratuitous and kind officers...I am looking back and seeing my husband and daughter drive by at three in the morning to see mommy walking the line in the flashing lights...car wheels spinning in the misty night.
Broken glass, broken heart as they have to leave such a mess behind to let the police do their job. It's horrible.
A horror story.
As this page as my witness, I am committing to living a life free of alcohol. Damn, just thinking that makes me sad. I will miss enjoying a tasty brew and a complex wine, but it's killing me...it's burying me alive.
Today I am digging my way free from my self imposed grave.