***Submitted by Anonymous
This is the hardest thing I've ever written, but I can't not write it.
I'm hoping that getting it down on paper and seeing how bad it looks will convince me to stop binge drinking. I've spent the past hour or so reading other stories on this site, and I'm completely blown away by the bravery and honesty of everyone. Thank you all so much.
So I'm 28 and I've been drinking since I was 16. It's been out of control since my early twenties. I've always thought I'm not an alcoholic because I rarely drink during the day, and I can go weeks without drinking. But I can't face social situations sober, and I drink in secret.
I have driven drunk once, because I couldn't face a dinner with my closest friends in the world with only one or two drinks; I had to drink half a bottle of wine in my car first. The thought that I could have killed someone still scares the hell out of me, but not enough to stop drinking. I've rarely had sex sober. Or kissed anyone for the first time sober. When my sister and I go to our parents place for dinner every couple of weeks, I drink in secret and then have to make excuses why I can't drive home.
Once I went to birthday drinks with an old flatmate and her friends, who I didn't know very well. Because I was so nervous I drank a bottle of wine and god knows how many vodkas before I left my flat, and ended up so drunk that my neighbors found me later passed out on the driveway, covered in vomit, and I ended up in the back of an ambulance on my way to the ER. I have no idea how I got home that night, but I think I probably walked, both along busy roads and quiet dark streets. Anything could have happened to me. I was so lucky.
These are the very worst examples. If I wrote about every negative event in my life that included alcohol this would go way over 1000 words. But you get the picture. And nothing extreme has happened for awhile now, and I don't drink everyday, but when I do it's easily a bottle of wine, sometimes more. I always used to tell myself that I need to drink because I'm naturally shy. When I'm around new people, or people I don't feel comfortable with, I need a few glasses of wine. But it never stops at a few glasses. Once I start I just keep drinking. And I do the same with my best friends and my family too, even though I can sometimes be around them totally sober and be completely comfortable. So it's gone from drinking to be confident, to drinking because I can, because I love it, and I love getting drunk.
So I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to go to AA and I can't face admitting any of this to my family or friends. They know I have a drinking problem but they don't know it's this bad. And I don't want to stop drinking completely. I want to still be able to have a glass of wine or champagne every now and then.
There are no words to express how much I love drinking, especially wine, and especially the first mouthful. Almost all of the best nights of my life have involved copious amounts of alcohol. Binge drinking is such a part of life in Australia, and so many of my friendships are based on going out and getting drunk. I'm scared of what I'll lose if I stop drinking. But then again I'm terrified of what I'll lose if I don't.
Can anyone offer me any advice? Has anyone done this, gone from drinking heavily to just having the odd glass of wine every now and then? Is it possible? Any advice would be so appreciated.