***Submitted by Anonymous
So here I am, right in the middle of a relapse.
I made it past the 29 day relapse, the 89 day relapse all the way to day 364 and then collapse.
I dont' like those big numbers.
Seems like they are watching me, hounding me, big face looking down on me waiting to fail.
When I hear that others relapsed I think what the hell happened? They were so focused. And better than me, stronger than me, helping me along on this path.
And I am just a drink away.
Just a small, cold, drink away.
One would be OK.
Well, maybe two but then I will pull it together.
Just a little break.
But the break is large. It goes for days, the poor sleep, the throwing up to have a break from the ills, the craving.
Oh the crazy craving to at least make the throwing up useful.
I hear the words of the program, no problem that can't make a bad situation worse that adding alcohol. .
The ones I love are the ones I am so sorry to have let down but they are the ones I want to save me, capture me, pick me up and get me back to where I know is so much better.
I just cant let them down again, again.
What a trap, and I just want out of the whirlpool.