Monday, September 24, 2012

In The Middle of a Relapse

***Submitted by Anonymous


So here I am, right in the middle of a relapse. 

I made it past the 29 day relapse, the 89 day relapse all the way to day 364 and then collapse.

I dont' like those big numbers. 

Seems like they are watching me, hounding me, big face looking down on me waiting to fail. 

When I hear that others relapsed I think what the hell happened? They were so focused. And better than me, stronger than me, helping me along on this path. 

And I am just a drink away. 

Just a small, cold, drink away. 

One would be OK. 

Well, maybe two but then I will pull it together. 

Just a little break. 

But the break is large. It goes for days, the poor sleep, the throwing up to have a break from the ills, the craving. 

Oh the crazy craving to at least make the throwing up useful.

I hear the words of the program, no problem that can't make a bad situation worse that adding alcohol. . 

The ones I love are the ones I am so sorry to have let down but they are the ones I want to save me, capture me, pick me up and get me back to where I know is so much better. 

I just cant let them down again, again. 

What a trap, and I just want out of the whirlpool.

8 comments:

  1. Feel your pain and frustration; please know that.

    I cannot tell you what to do and I sure can't make it all better; I can, however share my experience, where I found strength, and how I trust hope.

    My first year of sobriety reflects yours. I was enormously hung up on those sober dates, the goals, accepting a chip, being recognized, lifted up, and admired. Sober dates, 30, 60, 90 were at the forefront of my focus. It all became about sober time and this was reinforced each and every time I attended a mtg.

    Secondly, I was focused on pleasing those with whom I love and who were in my corner cheering me on. "I" felt assured when they were reassured by my accumulated sober time.

    My recovery became one cyclic relapse after another and I'll be damned if I could identify where I was screwing this up.

    Finally, with serious legal consequences layed out before me if I were to drink again, I found a way to stop the perverbial insanity of the rat wheel.

    No one stepped in and flipped the lights on for me. "I", with the guidance of my HP made changes, Obviously what I had been doing was not working. I changed EVERYTHING. But, most significantly I wanted to be sober FOR ME. 100% for me so I could know that deep within there were no unturned stones and I was living a life of complete transparency and utter honesty.

    Lastly, I quit counting my sober time. Oh, I know my annual sober date is somewhere around Thanksgiving and I could surely calculate the exact date, but frankly my dear . . . .

    I only have today, right here, now. I can only affect my decision making right this instanbce and my sobriety is only valuable TO ME right this moment today. If I have four years behind me, great, that's awesome, but I care deeply and most significantly about NOW, in THIS moment.

    Those loved ones of mine - sure they are proud, happy, relieved. But NO ONE is more at peace and filled with contentment than I.

    I feel remiss if I don't add this as I serve no purpose by not behing honest.
    I hear you making excuses for drinking, I hear self-pity and a degree of resignation that you'll never "get this" - "big numbers?" wtf??
    Just dump the shit out and start over. FOR YOU. today!!!!
    We do care about you here and hope to be of support. But, honey , you gotta do your part.

    ReplyDelete
  2. disclaimer ~
    I don't want to sound as though I'm lacking empathy. What I mean by doing your part is,, the action part of your sober plan. May be time to take a hard inventory of "how" you are staying sober. Identify where changes can ba made and put those changes into action.

    Remember our actions are derrived from our thoughts. Much of this is purely about the way in which we think! YOU GOT THIS ~!!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh, I hear the early sobriety version of me in your words. This:

    The ones I love are the ones I am so sorry to have let down but they are the ones I want to save me, capture me, pick me up and get me back to where I know is so much better.

    I had lost those people while I was drinking, and I had isolated myself from the ones I still had. It doesn't sound like you're at quite that point yet...but you don't need to get there.

    You don't need to be rescued, and in reality, the only person who can truly "rescue" you? Is yourself. You can do this. Pick up the phone and make one phone call to a sober person. Go to one meeting. Make it a different meeting than your usual if you don't want to run into anyone you might know. Don't drink today. Don't worry about tomorrow, or next week. Just today.

    One thing about milestones, as I used to be hung up on them, too. Someone with much more sobriety than I told me anniversaries are NOT about me, they are about the new people in the program, so they can see that what we do works. Once I got over that (because I thought it was all about me), I realized he was right. It helped me. Took some of the self-imposed pressure off.

    I've come to believe that in the program, no one is better than anyone else. It took me a while to do that. When you get down to it, all of us are only one drink away from a relapse, whether we have strung together 20 days or 20 years. We're all alcoholics.

    I hope what I've said helps. Remember, one day at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I can absolutely relate to what you are saying. I relapsed after 14 years of sobriety and I tried to get sober "on my own" for 2 lonely isolated years. When I finally did make it back to AA my disease had progressed and it took me three months to put 30 days back-to-back together. I got to the point where I went to meetings late so I wouldn;t have to introduce myself as a newcomer. When I finally admitted this to my sponsor, I said, "I know. I know. That is all ego and grandioisty. No body cares."and she said, "Actually everybody cares about YOU. All these people get it. They get haw powerful this disease is. You don't have to hide here."

    It takes what it takes and you are worth it. Don't give up. Just keep coming back -- again and again if necessary. This disease is a out to kill and it thrives on isolation.

    Big hugs,
    Ali

    ReplyDelete
  5. http://recoveryisanoption.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  6. Today marks one month for me without drinking. I don't claim to know what it is like to be in your situation -- but I am absolutely convinced that for you as for me, SOBRIETY IS POSSIBLE if we put it in the hands of our higher power. You have been in that much better place, and you can be there again. For keeps. Godspeed.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I heard someone at a meeting last night say that he was so tired of going in and out of meetings and starting to count his days over and "disappointing" those who had tried to help him. And how could he possibly go back in and say he was back to DAY ONE.

    Some tough old biker mama from Hell's Kitchen (NYC) who he described as being a "mother figure" (incongruous??) said, "Honey, you don't worry about that day count, you don't have to tell those people NUTHIN'!"
    He said that her statement lifted the shame just enough to keep coming back and back and back until he really truly got it. Now he is happy, joyous and free.
    I wish the same for you.

    ReplyDelete