I am a mom of three, two in college.
I have been drinking for about 9 years now, or almost half of my youngest's life.
Alcoholism runs in both sides of my family though neither of my parents were drinkers, their siblings and parents were.
I have ADD, diagnosed about 10 years ago.
I am a nurse and know that I am slowly killing myself but can't seem to stop for more than 2 days at a time.
Drinking quiets my anxiety and shame....about the state of my house (as my husband says, it looks halfway to being a hoarder's house), about feeling inadequate as a mother, friend, nurse, employee, wife......
I can't do AA because I am afraid admitting my problem in a public way will send me over the edge.
My shame is too great now, never mind putting it out there to strangers. I am so sad and full of regret over all the time wasted not really being there for my kids (either hungover or drunk) that that is all I can think about. Empty nest syndrome is not helping, feeling I wasted time I can't ever get back.
My ADD causes me to be slower about housework, organization, etc. But so does the drinking, especially because when I drink I wake up at 2-3am and can't get back to sleep for an hour, making me exhausted for the next day, which continues the cycle of feeling inadequate because of fatigue, etc..
My husband has MS but has not told the kids or anyone else. The anxiety of what will happen in the future paralyzes me, but I know my drinking adds to that feeling.
Yet every day, 4-4:30 pm comes, anxiety comes, and I convince myself alcohol will make me feel better about how little I got done today. How to break out of this cycle???
I plan to try again, today to stop. It is almost 3am.
Today would have been my mother's 82nd birthday. Maybe a good day to start?
Thanks for all your stories. I hope they can keep me going. I am looking for a safe place to vent. My husband doesn't speak about my drinking tho I am sure it distresses him.