Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Struggling So Much

***Submitted by Anonymous

I’ve gone from being able to stay away from the ‘drink’ for a couple of weeks at a time to now I can’t stay away for more than a day. 


How did I get here? 


How did I become so broken?


Why do I use alcohol to self-medicate? 


I need to find peace in being sober. I have so much in my life to be grateful for and so much to lose by letting this disease of alcoholism overtake me.


I am afraid of what my life will be without my crutch of having a drink, then, 2,3,4..... until I don’t feel the stress of my life.


But then I awaken from my sleep for another day, just this morning, feeling heavy-headed and sluggish.


I don’t remember what it was like to feel good, to feel healthy. 


I am afraid all the time.


I am afraid of failure, of disappointment, of embarrassment, of the quiet.


I don’t want to feel like this anymore. 


I need help.


 I am crying out to God to help me to find someone who understands to help me.

31 comments:

  1. God hears you and we hear you. You're not alone, far from it. I, too, couldn't stop but I haven't had a drink in 2.5 years. I went from being unable to go one single minute without drinking to living a sober life that I love. I had to give up completely, surrender. I had to let everyone know my secrets. I had to ask for help every day and seek it out in meetings, on the phone, online. You can do this. I will keep you in my prayers.

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    1. Letting everyone know the secrets, that is what I need to do now. I can feel it. I have a wonderful husband who I know would be the first to help even if he doesn't know how. We have a good friend, or two, who are recovering. I think about reaching out to them each and every day but I am afraid. Fear is paralyzing me and the alcohol is where I keep turning to when I feel the fear. Thank you for your prayers.

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  2. I hear you as well. I can definitely relate and just now journaled that I need to make changes and make them now! I will think of you and give you virtual support and I hope you will do the same for me. As the saying goes, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.

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  3. I hear you and I'm praying that God gives you the strength to get help - reaching out here is a step in the right direction. AA was extremely helpful in getting me sober and teaching me about alcoholism in general. I was an every day drinker and it is possible to stop. It won't be easy, but you will have the life you have always wanted - I promise you that. Stay strong and know that there are many of us who have been in the same position as you and are now healthy and happy and living the life we want.

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    1. Thank you so much for your words of strength and encouragement. I know there is always hope.

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  4. I couldn't go a day without alcohol, and now I cannot picture my days having any alcohol at all. Life in sobriety is so amazing, and it was through God, AA and calling on friends who supported me that got me through. You are not alone...there are so many of us out here who know exactly what you describe. I am so relieved that the shame and guilt are gone. I will be praying for you, you can do this!

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    1. I long for not feeling shame and guilt. I need to find others I can call on when I'm feeling tempted and week. I am making the first step again today that last night was my LAST drink.

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  5. You have reached out to a group of people who truly understand what you're feeling. The shame we feel builds and we turn to booze to hide that and hating ourselves for it.

    There is hope, you CAN do it. Never by yourself, just one day at a time worked for me with God and AA leading the way. I had to get humble and willing for it to work but it does.

    I'm here along with a bunch of other fab folks, email me anytime to talk, I'll be praying for you

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    1. Thank you so much. I feel the strength coming just from reading the heartfelt responses to my cry out for help. Thank you for the prayers because I surely need them.

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  6. The other said it so well. There is a better life out there. At the end for me, alcohol was no longer fun. I no longer enjoyed the drink. It was just a compulsion. No more buzz. I went from sober straight to drunk. It just sucked. Did I acknowledge all this at the time? No.

    I wish you the best and hope you find peace soon!

    XO

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    1. Thank you so much. I hope to find peace starting today.... One day sober!

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  7. I know exactly how feel. Thanks for being brave enough to reach out.

    Admitting you need help is the first step. Try to find a little bit of faith in yourself and know that you can move forward to make positive changes in our life. I know you can, because I did. On Saturday, it was 25 years since I took my last drink. (I've battled a few other demons over the years). I didn't think I could ever stop for a day. I went to treatment, I had to be in a safe place where I could learn more about the disease that was killing me.

    You are worthy of a better life, you deserve to be present in your own life. You have taken the first step. Now move on to what you need to do next. Seek help, and believe that you can do this. Because you can.

    ~Dawn~
    who you are.

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    1. It's funny how alcohol is not the only demon we battle. I battle depression and anxiety. Ive been using the alcohol when I feel anxious and I can't do that anymore. I'm taking the first step and going one day at a time like all the posts have encouraged me to. Thanks for your words of wisdom.

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  8. This is ditto for me!!! I haven't posted, but want to stop. Stop feeling hungover. Stop feeling remorseful. Start feeling better! How?

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    1. Trust in God's help and get rid of all the alcohol around you. At least that's what I am going to do today to start!

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  9. I agree with all responses, God is the only and number one reason you CAN do this! He will give you the strength you need once you are ready. Also you must face issues deep inside of you that have been burried/self medicated all these years. Once you expose those you can start to heal. But you can't do that unless you are sober. Ask and you shall receive, pray, alot. God loves you and you are precious to Him. Find His will for you. It's not in the bottle. I am going on 7 months sober now and feel alive for once in my life. You will have painful things come up out of nowhere while being sober, but you must deal with it, feel it, and let it go in order to heal. I'm praying for you as many others are who understand exactly what you are feeling. It's great to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror NOT feel guilty, embarrassed, head pounding, sick, gross etc. And not to mention all those sugary, empty calories and carb cravings the next day....God Bless!

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    1. Thank you so much. Your words have hit home for me. There are so many things that I know I have buried deep inside and when they well up and I get uncomfortable..... I drink. I need the strength to feel the difficult uncomfortable feelings and then ask for God's help with them. I know I will be a stronger, happier person walking with God and without the bottle. Your words have given me the strength I need for this moment...... My first day sober!

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  10. This site and the other bloggers who follow this site have been a great help to me. I am struggling with staying sober but it helps to know there are other people going through exactly what you are going through - or have been there and are now happy and healthier. It's quite apparent life is better sober, and it's also quite apparent the difficult journey to get there is in the end well worth it. Good luck, I'm trying right with you!!

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    1. I'll be praying for you. We can pray each other through this.

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  11. I was there!!! Alcohol owned me...I lived each day full of shame and remorse and regret. I bought non-prescription anabuse on line...it lasts for about 5 days. I didn't want my doctor to know, and have it on my record for all time. It is incredibly liberating to not have to fight temptation, or to lie to yourself because you CAN'T drink! That, along with AA meetings, prayer reading, and taking good care of myself got me through to the point where I am THRILLED to be sober, to heal my relationships, and get better. 'Fake it till you feel it'....worked for me. I AM SO GLAD THAT I'M NOT DRINKING, and can't believe that I actually enjoy life without alcohol! I don't take the anabuse unless I feel like I'll be tempted, or don't trust myself not to slip. Alcohol dosen't consume my life, and I am healthier physically and mentally. Each of our journeys and recoveries are different - God bless you!

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    1. Thank you so much. I can't wait to have that feeling of being thrilled to be sober. I am looking forward to having more energy and not feeling so sluggish and awful in the morning and throughout the day. Removing the alcohol from my life will hopefully make room for so many better things.

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  12. I have been in that place where you are now and I know it is hell on earth. But the fear was paralyzing and I was afraid to move forward because all I knew anymore was that place and I didn't know what awaited me if I left. I gathered up the courage to leave a few times, only to return, I can't remember why. But finally, I had stepped out of that place enough times that I knew that what was outside was better, and I was better, stronger. 317 Days ago I left that place for good and every single day has got better and better. Put aside the fear and step out and really live your life, it's waiting for you.

    I know putting that fear aside is not as easy as it sounds, it and booze have a stranglehold on us, and once we break it and break free it's hard to remember how difficult it was to do so, but listen to what everyone here has told you and have faith. You can do this, we will help you. You can contact me through my blog http://godwalkedintothisbar.blogspot.com/ . If you want, go back and read it from the beginning and you will see yourself in me and me in you. Best Wishes, I'm here for you too, Kary

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    1. Thank you, Kary. I will read your blog and look forward to what I can learn from those who have walked this difficult path before me.

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  13. I can relate to you on several levels.

    Fear is paralyzing, the self hate, the self medicating. It is a painful place to be. It seems overwhelming and impossible that it can change. BUT IT REALLY CAN!

    Reach out and go to a meeting. The power of the alcohol can go away when you verbalize the need for help. It takes lots of reaching out, admitting how much help you need. The help is there and the shame can be put to death.

    Hang in there-
    there IS hope!

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    1. Thanks. I just reached out to a friend who has been recovering for a few years with a few bumps in the road. He has been so understanding and non-judgemental. I'm so not used to that. I shared with my husband.... Finally.... A glimpse into my world that I have worked hard to keep hidden from him. He doesn't understand just yet but hopefully in time he will. He doesn't understand alcoholism as a disease. He just sees it as over indulging and that it should be easy to abstain and then just drink when we go out or celebrate something. It's going to be a long hard road but I know it will be worth it. I just hope I can ask for God to give me the strength I need every step of the way.

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  14. Hearing these encouraging words that it really can change gives me hope!!!! I have to find a meeting to go to but I'm scared. I want to find a meeting with just women. That doesn't feel so overwhelming.

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  15. Did you realize you were named in the "17 Best Blogs of 2012"? Congratulations. Check it out. http://www.healthline.com/health-slideshow/best-alcoholism-blogs#3

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  16. I read your entry when it was first posted and tried to comment but my computer died and I can't pot from work -Just reread your first post and it still moves me to try to reach you again-I am still actively, strongly, disgustingly, sorrowfully drinking and I was hoping we could help each other-I want to much together this out of my life-my email is cyndi.martin@me.com-Anyone's help and encouragement is welcome-Thanks and I hope you are doing well

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