***Submitted by Julie
I was hoping to submit some writing to your site. I just love it and wanted to share some of my story.
Recovery has been one of the most challenging things I have ever been through in my life. I just celebrated my 18 months of sobriety about 3 weeks ago. Even though I have come this far in the journey, I still feel so fragile and unsteady in this world of sobriety.
I starting blogging a while back. I was amazed at all the support I received from others. In a way, though, it makes me so incredibly angry at myself that I waited 15 years to do something about it.
At this juncture in my sobriety I still feel pretty fragile because of some lingering anger and resentments. On one level, I feel like there were people who knew very well what was happening to me and never intervened because they needed me sick. But, on the other hand, I think these same people didn't know what the heck to do with me because I was so out of control, volatile and quite unpleasant to deal with drunk or sober. I really need to forgive them, forgive me and move on. They sure have, and look at me, still stuck back at square one wondering what happened.
I am standing at the doorway of my 4th step of recovery. People have told me this is the step to identify and get rid of all my resentments and anger.
Sounds wonderful, right?
Actually, it sounds like change, and I do not deal very well with change. I get stuck in a comfort zone. I swiftly and quickly got addicted to alcohol. Although I was miserable, I drank anyway because I knew what was going to happen, this was my routine.
Now that I have been sober for 18 months, I sort of feel like my resentments and anger have started providing this same rut/comfort zone. The resentments do make me happy, but it is sure comfortable to stay here. What happens when I am not mad anymore? What if I forgive people?
Anger is righteous to me. It motivates me. It gives me energy. Makes me totally loony at times but at least I am connecting with the world around. Kind of reminds of the reasons I still convinced myself to keep drinking....sigh.....
On the very basic level of things, I feel like I am still trying to find my place in the world.
I drank from ages 15-33. I accomplished a lot in those years, especially since I was drunk almost every day for the last 10 years of it. But, I still don't feel settled into a life of recovery.
A life of alcoholism was easy to slide into only because I didn't have to feel anything for 10 hours out of the day. I am just restless and unsure of myself.