Monday, July 16, 2012

5am Confession - New Mom, Newly Sober


-Submitted by Anonymous

I woke my husband up at 5am this morning and told him that I wanted to stop drinking, and I needed his help.

He held me and said how pleased he was that I had made this decision - and what did we need to do to make this possible.

Since having my beautiful baby daughter 7 months ago I have been drinking pretty much every day.  Why wouldn't I? there has to be some perks to not being able to breast feed? surely.

There have been far to many nights when I have fallen asleep on the couch (passed out), not remembered going to bed, slept in my clothes - or half dressed since my darling girl has been alive.  There have been times when my husband could not wake me in the night to help out with crying newborn - if we are meant to be a team approaching new parent hood, I certainly have let my side down.

I have fought with him, cried at him, screamed at him - all the while chugging down the chardonnay or vodka.  I have been a really lousy wife.

I don't like how drinking makes me feel after the drinking is done - the anxiety, the self doubt, the disappointment in myself that I can't just have a drink to relax.  I drink to be drunk.  I like being drunk.  I drink because I am bored, doing the washing, cleaning the house, cooking the dinner is all the more enjoyable with a couple of drinks on board.  But that is not normal, not the way to live life.

I want to be present in my life, I want to have a clear head and be rested in the mornings, I don't like 4am anxiety worries.  I choose my family over booze, I must, there is far too much to lose otherwise.

I have been doing lots of reading on the net - I identify with so many of the women's stories on blogs like this.  I am pleased to know I am not alone, there is support out there that doesn't involve labelling yourself in front of others.  I have always had my issues with drinking, have made a fool of myself on too many occasions to remember (even if I could) - this is not a new revelation for me.  But admitting it and saying it out loud to the only other person in the world who has as much invested in me as me, means I can't hide behind the rose tinted wine glasses anymore.

I am not a social drinker, I am a drinker drinker.  I can't have one glass of wine, I have to have a whole bottle.  I cannot take or leave alcohol, I am not indifferent to it's charms. I love it, but it hates me.

It is going to be a tough time ahead, I know that, there is nothing I look forward to more than the drink at the end of the day.  But I am just going to have to find something else to look forward too, like my husband coming home from work, or cuddling my baby daughter.

I am going to buy myself treats, get massages, facials, buy new shoes and handbags - I will reward myself in a non liquid way.

I will get support from the man I love, and blogs like this.  I will give this a darn good try and take each day as it comes.

Sunday July 15th 2012 is the first day of loving myself just that little bit more.

18 comments:

  1. Reach out to other people in recovery. They can help you. They will do their best to help yOu because that is what we do. Google AA, find a meeting near you, & go. Go to any program, any group or person in recovery, because best intentions aside, i know from experience we can't stay sober alone. And we might be able o be abstinent for a while, but if wewant to recover and not make our famiies misreable and struggle ourselves, we need help from the people who know, who've been there because they are in recovery. Good luck!

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  2. "I am not a social drinker, I am a drinker drinker. I can't have one glass of wine, I have to have a whole bottle. I cannot take or leave alcohol, I am not indifferent to it's charms. I love it, but it hates me."

    When I read this I connected immediately, you were writing about me. I am the Mom of 2 girls and with both I began drinking as soon as breast feeding was done....early.
    I'm standing here applauding you virtually sister, it's not easy to face but honestly it's worth the effort.

    Personally I needed meetings, I needed them to learn who I REALLY am and how to live again, how to really engage in life with it's stresses, joys and heart breaks.

    I'll be praying for you and feel free to contact me if ever you want/need to!!!

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  3. You have made a sound decision and one that will serve you ten times over. In essence, you have chosen life. If you are an alcoholic, and it sounds like you may be or are headed that way, to drink is a death sentence. I'm of the opinion that you will need far more support that what your husband and online can provide. You will find that many aspects of your life will begin to change now that you are without your crutch and you will need the support of other sober members in your community. I encourage all newcomers to sobriety to at least try attending AA meetings, particularly women's only meetings.

    Be well :-)

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  4. I agree with all the previous comments. I am so proud of you! It takes courage to say the words out loud. And I also agree....find a meeting. Not drinking is not the same as getting sober. Working the steps is a life changing experience. There are reasons you hide behind the rose colored wine glasses. It is worth the work to figure out why.

    there IS hope!

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  5. Welcome. This is a wonderful place for support.

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  6. Yes, welcome. I was you, twenty-five years ago. I had two beautiful daughters, and although I didn't know that I was worth having a better life, I knew that they did. I went to treatment, and next week it will be 25 years since I took my last drink. (Don't congratulate me yet - I smoked dope heavily for another two years, and then got clean and sober for nearly eleven years, used prescription meds to numb some grief for two days in 2000, and celebrated 12 years clean in May). My point? I believe that I got sober for my daughters, and that they were worth it. But I have stayed sober - for me. All the best to you. You are on your way. Be firm in your decision, but gentle with yourself. Much love and compassion, ~Dawn~

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    1. Gosh how I relate to your post. Well done on telling your husband. Thank you , for reminding me why I am sober. My kids were 12 9 and 7 when I got sober, I drank their life away up til then. Do this now before its too late. YOU CAN. Its not easy, no body will tell you it is, but after a few days its easier. Well done for reaching out, have lots of sugar and sweet fruits for cravings and drink lots of tea, take baths, go for walks, listen to music and be good to you. Keep telling yourself when you want to take a drink that life without drink is ok... beat it before it beats you and do this one day at a time X With much love and prayers XX Niki XX

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  7. I was like you too, only I didn't stop then and suffered longer and for what? It's not like I enjoyed my drinking at the end, with the shame and regret and guilt and hangovers being what I remember most. I too knew I was a real drinker, and there was much relief in finally accepting that. It was the first step towards starting over, and I have never looked back in regret at having done so. Best of luck to you. I hope you seek the support you need.

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  8. Welcome welcome to sober land. I think you are terrific for being able to think so clearly about yourself and your motivations for drinking. This is all you need to start this exciting adventure journey so many of us are on. You have all my support and sending you lots of warm love too. Cleo xx

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  9. All right Anon, you are well on your way to a totally new existence. One that will shower you with blessings and love beyond your comprehension at this early stage. Go find a woman's meeting-I have never been but I understand they are the best way if you need the help and most of us need the help. No shame in asking for others to share their experiences and help you get that sober feeling in your own life. Stay connected and reach out as often as you can. Een when you think you are ok-someone will be there to confirm your earlier resolutions to stay in the light. You will make it into a new life and a new land with this wonderful husband and baby daughter. Stay in touch-email anytime you want to; I'll be here.

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  10. I'm happy to *meet* you... I love your quote: "I want to be present in my life, I want to have a clear head and be rested in the mornings, I don't like 4am anxiety worries. I choose my family over booze, I must, there is far too much to lose otherwise." I also had the 4 am waking up, anxiety, thrashing around in bed, then the next day feeling completely terrible. There is lots of support in the online blogging world, welcome :) glad you can join us :)

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  11. WOW I can relate. I too wanted to get sober for my children. I wanted to be a real mother. Post Partum made my use even worse, I thought I could never cope with life sober. I understand that labels can be scary, but I needed help in the form of sober women. I had to hear their stories, I needed to know I wasn't a horrible person. These women were just like me, it meant I wasn't a monster, it meant I too could do life sober. One day, one minute, one second at a time. Life will get better.

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  12. ...Chardonnay and Vodka...sounds just like me, except I waited too long to change! I wish I had stopped drinking when I was as young as you!!! The book LIVING SOBER really helped me, especially when I was newly sober - it gave very practical advice and tips. I'm very impulsive, and would 'slip' too easily...so I got online, and bought some non-perscription anabuse. It makes it impossible to drink, and lasts about 5 days, so I COULDN'T drink! That, along with AA meetings, helped me get through the really rough first days and months! I rarely take the anabuse, unless I feel like I'll be in a situation where I'm tempted. I never thought that I would enjoy myself again, and my family trusts me again. The best part is not waking up LOATHING myself!!!

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  14. Wow - your story is so similar to mine. Keep up the good fight against this powerful disease. You will be amazed before you are halfway through. I've been sober for 16 months and every day, I thank God that I am not hungover. I could not ask for a more beautiful existence - recovery truly is the only way to Life.

    Hold onto that moment of clarity you had a 5 a.m. when you woke up your husband and made the decision to start living. You can do this with the help of others!

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  15. First, congratulations for taking the 1st step, the most critical step. Unless we write/state that we have a problem and that we need help, there isn't a chance of change. So, wtg. Many struggle years with that part.

    If I read correctly, between the lines, it would appear you take issue with "labeling" yourself. Not sure where you have received information on support meetings, but, please keep an open mind. There is NOTHING like face-to-face contact and support. The internet is extraordinary in your situation as you are not as free to come and go with a new baby. But I would encourage you to use the internet support sites as an extra dose of support, and not your main source.

    I hope you come back and share how you are doing!!! It has been a few weeks now and many of us would love to know. Meanwhile, tc, and one day at a time. Don't get yourself too far ahead!!

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  16. You can do this. And the clear head in the morning is the greatest feeling ever. xxoo

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  17. I hope she can keep up the good fight; when push comes to shove she might have to use some drugs recommended by those online pharmacy reviews to help keep the drink away.

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