-Submitted by Anonymous
I woke my husband up at 5am this morning and told him that I wanted to stop drinking, and I needed his help.
He held me and said how pleased he was that I had made this decision - and what did we need to do to make this possible.
Since having my beautiful baby daughter 7 months ago I have been drinking pretty much every day. Why wouldn't I? there has to be some perks to not being able to breast feed? surely.
There have been far to many nights when I have fallen asleep on the couch (passed out), not remembered going to bed, slept in my clothes - or half dressed since my darling girl has been alive. There have been times when my husband could not wake me in the night to help out with crying newborn - if we are meant to be a team approaching new parent hood, I certainly have let my side down.
I have fought with him, cried at him, screamed at him - all the while chugging down the chardonnay or vodka. I have been a really lousy wife.
I don't like how drinking makes me feel after the drinking is done - the anxiety, the self doubt, the disappointment in myself that I can't just have a drink to relax. I drink to be drunk. I like being drunk. I drink because I am bored, doing the washing, cleaning the house, cooking the dinner is all the more enjoyable with a couple of drinks on board. But that is not normal, not the way to live life.
I want to be present in my life, I want to have a clear head and be rested in the mornings, I don't like 4am anxiety worries. I choose my family over booze, I must, there is far too much to lose otherwise.
I have been doing lots of reading on the net - I identify with so many of the women's stories on blogs like this. I am pleased to know I am not alone, there is support out there that doesn't involve labelling yourself in front of others. I have always had my issues with drinking, have made a fool of myself on too many occasions to remember (even if I could) - this is not a new revelation for me. But admitting it and saying it out loud to the only other person in the world who has as much invested in me as me, means I can't hide behind the rose tinted wine glasses anymore.
I am not a social drinker, I am a drinker drinker. I can't have one glass of wine, I have to have a whole bottle. I cannot take or leave alcohol, I am not indifferent to it's charms. I love it, but it hates me.
It is going to be a tough time ahead, I know that, there is nothing I look forward to more than the drink at the end of the day. But I am just going to have to find something else to look forward too, like my husband coming home from work, or cuddling my baby daughter.
I am going to buy myself treats, get massages, facials, buy new shoes and handbags - I will reward myself in a non liquid way.
I will get support from the man I love, and blogs like this. I will give this a darn good try and take each day as it comes.
Sunday July 15th 2012 is the first day of loving myself just that little bit more.