***Submitted by Anonymous
I don't even know if this is the right forum for what I'm dealing with, but it was the only one that sounded worthwhile. I do have problem with alcohol, and it's even similar to the "stereotypical" addict because it's about control. However, I am not addicted. I can go months and months without a drink and have no desires for one.
Here are the facts, in the past two years I have been hospitalized twice for alcohol poisoning and there were two other instances where I went way too far. Now, I'm in college so maybe one of these was that "experimental phase", but I keep screwing it up. The weird thing is it doesn't happen every time, usually only when I'm with a crowd of people and we are "pre-gaming". Still then, it doesn't happen every time. I'm beginning to think I succumb to peer pressure badly. But am so confused because I am able to causally drink and 9 times out of 10 not go overboard.
One of these instances happened during my best friend's 21st birthday celebration. To make a long story short she had to take care of me and who knows what else. I have apologized profusely and had thought I was okay, but come to find out that is not the case. I'm only mentioning what she said to get to my feelings. She first had said she still loved me, and suggested that I stop drinking. I agreed and thought we were somewhat okay or at least on the road there. In doing so I kept talking about it, but sensed something was wrong. I'm really stressed and paranoid for various reasons.
Firstly, I blacked out and need to know what I did, but she is the only one who knows. Secondly, she is my best friend, the one I usually talk to about these things, and her being this way towards me. I don't think I ever been sadder in my life. I keep getting hot flashes, either because of the stress, blood pressure, or both and can barely sleep. But without being able to confront this, I don't know how to make the horrible sinking feelings that follow stop.
This only happened about two days ago, and I know I have to give her time. But I don't know what to do with myself in the meantime. To make matters worse, I got a new car today and I can't even share that with her. This whole situation makes me feel like I don't deserve it (the car). But on the outside, no one would know. I get great grades, have a job, etc.
A part of me feels deserving, but the other tells me I'm a liar and a fake. Like I said, I don't know if this falls under what your group is for, but since it relates to alcohol I figured I'd try. I'm so lost and it hurts so bad. I don't even know what I think writing this will accomplish. I guess I just want affirmation, that it is okay to feel all these things, so hurt, so sad, so stupid!, even when it's all my fault. I need to know if its normal not to know how to cope with these things.
Most of all I need to know, if not how to address this situation, how to survive the day to day without every night wanting cry and frankly disappear.
help me. please.