Friday, June 22, 2012

Young, and Binge Drinking


***Submitted by Anonymous

I don't even know if this is the right forum for what I'm dealing with, but it was the only one that sounded worthwhile. I do have problem with alcohol, and it's even similar to the "stereotypical" addict because it's about control. However, I am not addicted. I can go months and months without a drink and have no desires for one. 
Here are the facts, in the past two years I have been hospitalized twice for alcohol poisoning and there were two other instances where I went way too far. Now, I'm in college so maybe one of these was that "experimental phase", but I keep screwing it up. The weird thing is it doesn't happen every time, usually only when I'm with a crowd of people and we are "pre-gaming". Still then, it doesn't happen every time. I'm beginning to think I succumb to peer pressure badly. But am so confused because I am able to causally drink and 9 times out of 10 not go overboard.
One of these instances happened during my best friend's 21st birthday celebration. To make a long story short she had to take care of me and who knows what else. I have apologized profusely and had thought I was okay, but come to find out that is not the case. I'm only mentioning what she said to get to my feelings. She first had said she  still loved me, and suggested that I stop drinking. I agreed and thought we were somewhat okay or at least on the road there. In doing so I kept talking about it, but sensed something was wrong. I'm really stressed and paranoid for various reasons. 

Firstly, I blacked out and need to know what I did, but she is the only one who knows. Secondly, she is my best friend, the one I usually talk to about these things, and her being this way towards me. I don't think I ever been sadder in my life. I keep getting hot flashes, either because of the stress, blood pressure, or both and can barely sleep. But without being able to confront this, I don't know how to make the horrible sinking feelings that follow stop. 

This only happened about two days ago, and I know I have to give her time. But I don't know what to do with myself in the meantime. To make matters worse, I got a new car today and I can't even share that with her. This whole situation makes me feel like I don't deserve it (the car). But on the outside, no one would know. I get great grades, have a job, etc. 

A part of me feels deserving, but the other tells me I'm a liar and a fake. Like I said, I don't know if this falls under what your group is for, but since it relates to alcohol I figured I'd try. I'm so lost and it hurts so bad. I don't even know what I think writing this will accomplish. I guess I just want affirmation, that it is okay to feel all these things, so hurt, so sad, so stupid!, even when it's all my fault. I need to know if its normal not to know how to cope with these things. 

Most of all I need to know, if not how to address this situation, how to survive the day to day without every night wanting cry and frankly disappear.

help me. please.

13 comments:

  1. I'm 26 and have been sober 3 years. When I was first starting to have control issues, I could go months and months as well. The shame you're describing is all too familiar. At the end of the day, you are the only one who knows if you're ready and willing to stop drinking. I avoided any type of recovery program for years because I thought they were for old white men and that I wouldn't belong. I would suggest talking to someone at your college or finding a young people's AA meeting. If you listen and stick around long enough, you'll know if what is being shared describes you or not. I loved young people meetings and if you're not ready to go out and about yet, there's great meetings online where you can get more information about the disease and where your experiences overlap. While the idea of going to AA was uber daunting to me, the good news about it is that all you need is a desire to stop drinking to go. The rest is up to you. Only your self reflection and time will reveal to what degree alcohol effects you. From my experience I can tell you that as my drinking got worse, my outside life looked perfect, many younger women in recovery have a story similar to yours and mine. Beating yourself up and returning to the pattern of heavy drinking after you feel like enough time has passed to be "normal" again is one of the many ways I fooled myself for years. I caused a lot of harm to those i love, but thankfully found the courage to walk toward recovery in enough time to truly build a life for myself that was much more amazing than I ever though possible. Good luck and know there are many young women just like you who have found peace & serenity.

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  2. if you get time, youtube brene brown. she is a researcher on the reasons behind why we are such an addicted nation. it helped me understand my thinking better. you are smart to reach out!

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  3. Sweet girl- you are reaching for help and that is huge. Do not listen to the voice that says you are not worthy of friends or good things or help. You are!
    If you think there is a problem, there is. Keep reading blogs, keep seeking help, and pray.

    there IS hope!

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  4. this site has helped me and led me to many surrounding blogs. everyone's story about alcohol is different but what is the same is everyone has concerns with alcohol, some daily battles, some just whenever they do choose to drink it's too much.

    college is a rough place to figure it all out, because it seems there is a party around every corner. drinking seems the norm. it's good that you are thinking about how you feel now. i'm just starting to work on being sober at 28, and it took me all of college and these few years after to figure out, alcohol doesn't work for all people the same way. my friends may be able to have a few, but a few is just the start of a bad night for me.

    don't feel guilty about a night two nights ago, today's a new day. i'm sure your friend loves you, maybe she is scared for you too?

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  5. I am the friend of someone who drinks too much. I submitted this article to this site a few months ago.
    http://www.cryingoutnow.com/2012/01/from-your-friend.html

    The whole thing is at that link, but this is an excerpt:
    "I’m worried about you. I don’t say anything because I don’t want to wreck our friendship and I don’t know how you’d react. But when you can’t remember the funny things we talked about on a Friday night because you drank too much, it makes me sad.

    I want to be able to make memories with you, and not lose them to a blackout. When you have to review the pictures in your phone to see what we did over the weekend, I worry about you. And I worry more when it doesn’t seem to worry you."

    My friend is still drinking. She blacks out less which sadly is an improvement. But I've basically chosen to spend less time with her where there is alcohol.

    The thing is, with a friend who drinks, its not just the drinking. Its the constant frantic planning around drinking that they try to pretend is just casual planning, it's the nastiness that comes out during the drinking or the over dramatization of things. And then the "oh everything is fine and dandy today is a new day why are you still mad" attitude. In your case, also probably the fact that her birthday turned in to being all about you and having to take care of you.

    There's a reason one of the steps is about making amends to people you've harmed. You (the global you) don't just hurt yourself with your drinking, it affects everyone who cares about you.

    Good luck with your journey.

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  6. Thank you everyone for your stories, support and advice. It definitely makes me feel better knowing I'm not the only one who feels like this. I actually did get to talk to best friend today and sort some things out. I told her what I thought about this and she gave me her insight. I know this is something I have to work on and my first step is to put a stop to my binge drinking. I have a new strength from her support and a huge promise to keep (which I never intend on breaking). Being shut out and hurting the way I did has changed me, but for the better. It made me reach out to this amazing blog, which helped me realize the problem (at least one of them). I will check back here from time to time, but I'm really going to try and go out and live my life to the fullest. If that doesn't include alcohol, well less problems and money saved for me. Thank you all for your support and good luck with all your personal journeys. <3

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    1. I dont know if you still check this, but I found your post after googling "hospitalized twice from drinking" because i am literally in almost the exact same situation and I dont know what to do... if you could email me at michellex76@live.com I would really love to talk to you!

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  7. So glad to hear that you are moving forward. All the very best.

    ~Dawn~

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  8. You can give up alcohol. We're all here for you.

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  9. Dear Young. Your story sounds a lot like mine. I could "control" drinking by going without for long periods but when I returned my appauling lack of control became more and more evident. alcoholism is a progressive disease and the "ism" part of it , for me, looked like many years being "dry" - that is outwardly controlling this beast of needing to change the way I felt -PARTICULARLY WHEN I WAS WITH A GROUP which realy made me anxious....so I drank.. or smoked weed, often to excess. as long as I stayed calm and alone, I was good to go. or at least I experience an illusion ( I now see it as..) of control. This is a real deal dis-ease. you have come to the right place. find a meeting ..find the women in the room. you have found the right place and you are not alone. we will love you up and walk shoulder to shoulder with you on this path of sober (and that means emotionally ) living. whatever you do, don't go away and hide. you are not alone and you are loved.

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  10. I have heard this: "I didn't get in trouble every time I was drinking, but every time I was in trouble, I was drinking." or some such thing.
    Your post reminded me of that.

    Good luck to you!

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    1. I can 100% relate to that quote. Thanks for posting it. It is a good reminder of why I'd decided to steer clear of drinking for the long haul.

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  11. Please listen up!! Because you're me, but you can change your fate!

    I walked away from college because those books were getting in the way of my drinking. I subsequently moved a hundred times as bridges were burned, leaving a trail of wreckage each and every time.

    But, BUT,, I did not have a problem,, why,, I wasn't that old guy on the park bench with the bottle in paper bag. I wasn't even the closet drinker, I had NO legal issues, and this big one,, I certainly did not drink every day, and when I began having children, I would go weeks without drinking, another feather in my cap proclaiming my innocence. I NEVER DRANK IN THE MORNING. So, phshh, I did not have a problem.

    The aforementioned - we are the toughest to admit that we're alcoholic. There are far too many myths out there regarding alcoholism and addiction, yes, even today when you would think we'de be more sophisticated on the matter.

    Binge drinkers, that is what you are, can create just as many negative consequences as the am drunk, the daily physically addicted alcoholic.

    NORMAL DRINKERS DO NOT HAVE BLACKOUTS. Stop now my dear, albeit challening at your age, I get that. Save yourself decades of misery. Listen to what we're telling you, those of us who have walked this path. Only by the grace of God are you even alive today.
    ~d

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