***Submitted by Anonymous
I have a problem. I don't know if I believe it is really a problem but I know it is...does that make sense.
I had a terrible emotionally and physically abusive 8 year marriage that resulted in two beautiful daughters. I adore them but I don't deserve them. I'm actually not convinced I deserve anything anymore. I snap at them when I am in a mood and lately that seems to be often.
I have been divorced two years. My drinking got scary last year. I don't know how I stayed out of jail, a wreck or worse...dead. Why doesn't the thought of what that would do to my kids stop me??!!!
I met someone that stabilized me, what a burden for them that must have been for him. I feel completely in love with him and for the first time in a long time I felt like I had something to look forward to with another person. I wasn't as scared and the drinking stopped almost all together. When the drinking stopped, all of the scary things came flooding back. The things I started drinking to suppress. Memories, feelings, thoughts.
Why did my ex husband treat me so bad?
Is there something wrong with me?
Am I good enough for this new guy?
Does he secretly hate that he picked me?
Do I look good enough?
Do I make enough money?
Do my kids even love me?
Prior to my marriage I think I maybe could have been categorized as over confident in myself, but I was confident and happy and believed in trust. I rarely drank.
Recently, 8 days ago to be exact, my boyfriend had enough and he is no longer in my life. I didn't recognize the importance of this person in my life until he was gone. He didn't leave me because of drinking, at least not that he knows of. He left me because I refused to change my schedule to spend the day with him before his grandmother's funeral. I wanted to so bad, I really really did but....I didn't. Instead I had a frustrating conversation with my ex husband where I tried to tell him I was ready to have this person in my life be around my children (irony, right?) The conversation didn't go well and as usual, I let this person that has been nothing but mean to me for 10 years dictate what I can and can't do. So when my amazing and sweet boyfriend said he needed me I said I couldn't be there for him. He doesn't know why other than I must just not be the person he thought and definitely not someone he wants in his life. The real reason was that I was scared my anger and sadness that I let my ex husband cause me would become the center of us that night and I wouldn't be there for him in his time of need. It would be the other way around like it ALWAYS was. Just typing that makes me wonder why he ever loved me in the first place.
So he is gone and the drinking picked back up those first couple of days. This time I reached out to a close friend. I was terrified of returning to that place I had been just one year prior. I am alone and I have a problem, I think that I have a problem. I keep setting dates in my head to stop for good. Maybe today, but I already have plans for after work. Maybe next weekend, but I forgot I have plans.
I'm sad, I miss him terribly and drinking is the only thing that helps me stop being sad and sleep. It sounds so pathetic but it is the absolute truth.
I wonder when enough will be enough.