Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Reaching Out For Help


***Submitted by Anonymous

I have a problem.  I don't know if I believe it is really a problem but I know it is...does that make sense. 
 
I had a terrible emotionally and physically abusive 8 year marriage that resulted in two beautiful daughters.  I adore them but I don't deserve them.  I'm actually not convinced I deserve anything anymore.  I snap at them when I am in a mood and lately that seems to be often. 
 
I have been divorced two years.  My drinking got scary last year.  I don't know how I stayed out of jail, a wreck or worse...dead.  Why doesn't the thought of what that would do to my kids stop me??!!! 
 
I met someone that stabilized me, what a burden for them that must have been for him.  I feel completely in love with him and for the first time in a long time I felt like I had something to look forward to with another person.  I wasn't as scared and the drinking stopped almost all together.  When the drinking stopped, all of the scary things came flooding back.  The things I started drinking to suppress.  Memories, feelings, thoughts. 
 
Why did my ex husband treat me so bad? 
Is there something wrong with me? 
Am I good enough for this new guy? 
Does he secretly hate that he picked me? 
Do I look good enough? 
Do I make enough money? 
Do my kids even love me?  
 
Prior to my marriage I think I maybe could have been categorized as over confident in myself, but I was confident and happy and believed in trust.  I rarely drank. 
 
Recently, 8 days ago to be exact, my boyfriend had enough and he is no longer in my life.  I didn't recognize the importance of this person in my life until he was gone.  He didn't leave me because of drinking, at least not that he knows of.  He left me because I refused to change my schedule to spend the day with him before his grandmother's funeral.  I wanted to so bad, I really really did but....I didn't.  Instead I had a frustrating conversation with my ex husband where I tried to tell him I was ready to have this person in my life be around my children (irony, right?)  The conversation didn't go well and as usual, I let this person that has been nothing but mean to me for 10 years dictate what I can and can't do.  So when my amazing and sweet boyfriend said he needed me I said I couldn't be there for him.  He doesn't know why other than I must just not be the person he thought and definitely not someone he wants in his life.  The real reason was that I was scared my anger and sadness that I let my ex husband cause me would become the center of us that night and I wouldn't be there for him in his time of need.  It would be the other way around like it ALWAYS was.  Just typing that makes me wonder why he ever loved me in the first place. 
 
So he is gone and the drinking picked back up those first couple of days.  This time I reached out to a close friend.  I was terrified of returning to that place I had been just one year prior.    I am alone and I have a problem, I think that I have a problem.  I keep setting dates in my head to stop for good.  Maybe today, but I already have plans for after work.  Maybe next weekend, but I forgot I have plans. 
 
I'm sad, I miss him terribly and drinking is the only thing that helps me stop being sad and sleep.  It sounds so pathetic but it is the absolute truth.   
 
I wonder when enough will be enough. 

10 comments:

  1. Enough is enough now.

    Do an internet search for local AA meetings. Find a time and place and just decide to go. Just do it. You will be amazed at the perspective it will give you. You will be grateful for the support of those who understand your struggle.

    Your kids need you, and they need you healthy and sober. Do it for them. Do it for yourself. Someday you will be SO glad you did.

    God bless.

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  2. From one mom to another, I know that drinking is not the answer.. I look back at my reckless behavior while going through a horrible divorce and can't believe that was me. I caught my husband cheating and what little self esteem I had was completely gone. Take my advice, if you keep drinking to mask the pain,myou will do something that will harm your girls. I was forced to stop drinking, or lose my kids, and i am 2 1/2 years sober. My life with my girls is infinitely better, and I no longer have to worry that I have done something horrible, No man is worth ruining your life, and your life will get better, I promise! I went to the Farmers Market tonight, I live in the wine country in California, and everyone is drinking, sometimes it is harder to not drink, but I just remember why I am sober, it is because of my two beautiful daughters, I wish you great happjness and strength.

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    Replies
    1. Why doesn't the thought of what that would do to my kids stop me??!
      If recognizing how our alcohol abuse hurts our children, none of us moms' would ever drink. I can only speak for myself and this mom didn't stop, despite all the head knowledge, because I'm an alcoholic. Period.

      You write about having not been in jail, a wreck, that no one is dead. To that, I can only reply,,

      yet....

      There were many flags that went up as I read your post; you stated that your b/f "stabalized me"
      Other people cannot "stabalize" us - this is an inside job, something we handle within and with the facilitation of therapists, counselors, clergy, etc.
      But no more can alcohol fill what is lacking in your life,, than another human being could.

      We can't tell you if you abuse alcohol or are an alcoholic. This has to be your realization. Then once you ACCEPT this as a life-long fact, then the healing can begin and you will learn new healthy ways for meeting your needs, for filling that void each of us has as human beings.

      There are so many terrific resources out there for you. My prayer for you is that you tap into them

      and very soon.
      God Bless you!

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    2. I hope you will stop today. Your children need you to be there for them. Wouldn't you agree that your addiction to alcohol has cost you enough in your life?

      Also, reduce or minimize your contact with your ex-husband. He is toxic. The advice I have given to all of my friends is to surround yourself with people who inspire you to be a better person than you would be without them in your life. He is clearly not such a person.

      Grateful's words about the change having to come from within yourself is key. No one can help you unless you are willing to accept their help, and the real change will only come when you want better for yourself.

      Her words about not having been in jail, a wreck, that no one is dead is also key. Those are almost inevitable if you continue to drink. I hope you do not have to hit the ugly, hard rock bottom that so many addicts and alcoholics have to hit before they realize they have a problem and can drive themselves to make the necessary changes in their life.

      To be honest, I am amazed and proud of the women on this blog. I wish the woman I love would recognize that she has a problem with both drugs and alcohol that has destroyed our relationship. I wish she would reach out as you have and at least start on her road to recovery, which I have promised to accompany her on if she should just ask me to do so.

      Unfortunately, she does not have the motivation you do-your daughters. If you can not do this solely for yourself, do it for them as well.

      I will pray for you as I do for all the women who I have seen write and post on this blog...and as I have for the past year for the amazing and beautiful woman I love.

      I would also ask that the strong and courageous women of this blog pray for my beloved. http://www.godvine.com/prayers/44906

      God bless and watch over you.

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  3. Right now is the answer. Right now, enough is enough.

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  4. Go to a meeting and ask for help.

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  5. I identify with many things you have. Reaching out is the first step to stop this circle of destruction. You need help and its out there! You are stronger than you believe. I still have exhubby issues after 5 years but at least. I can confront it head on and sober. You can too!

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  6. I appreciate all off the comments. Since writing this I have stopped drinking and I am attending meetings. I know it will be a long road but I already feel more clear headed and believe that I can handle this.

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  7. I too am a mother. Like You I adore my children, but the addiction always came first. You spoke of painful memories. I understand that completely. Some days I have vivid memories, I just wrote a blog post entitled "Today I remember what fueled the addiction." If you would like to read this post hit the link at the bottom.

    I needed the support of sober woman to navigate those feelings. These women gave me hope. They told me if just one day at a time I could stay sober that things would get better. They helped me believe that there was an answer and they were right. One day at a time (by God's Grace) I made a choice to not pick up that first drink. Those days turned into weeks, then months, then years and I'm beyond grateful.

    here's a link to "Today I Remember What Fueled The Addiction"

    http://www.peacefullivingnet.blogspot.com/

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