***Submitted by Anonymous
Me, 28 year old mother of one adorable 3 year old dude submitting a blog to an addiction site? Really? No way. This is so below me.
I'm smart and beautiful - better than the average Jane.
College degree. In Psychology. (Irony.)
Sexy. IF you take away my extra 30- 40 pounds I just can't lose. Well I could, if I stopped drinking 6 to 8 to ? I can't remember how many beers a day.
I'm self employed for the past year. I run a - wait for it - home daycare. I am responsible for and make my living with taking care of 4 children under 4 plus my own 3 year old son. Have I ever drank while watching them? NO! Do I open a beer at 5:32 as the last mother pulls out of the driveway? Several days a week. Am I hungover when the first child arrives at 7 am. Yup. And have I ever considered a drink while watching them? Weekly battle.
I am a good person. I repeat this in my mind often, and aloud to my concerned husband. He sees my nightly pattern of drinking a 6 pack as a problem and has often - and politely - suggested it's a problem. Last night he actually approached the subject less causally and I felt attacked.Embarrassed. He said something must be done, and he'll do it himself if he has to.
But I am not an "alcoholic." How could I be? I live day to day and get all my chores done and manage my household and my career. I send home children to happy parents who praise the job I am doing with their children. I work hard. Those kiddos are crazy all day long - I deserve that drink at 5:30. I earned it! I'm just having fun.
I drink beer because liquor or wine sends me into a bad place. I learned this is college and post-college and avoid it. "I don't do liquor." is part of my vocab. Beer it is, because you can't consume enough beer in a short period of time to get totally trashed, right? Makes total sense - not.
Alcoholism is apparent in my family. Maybe someone sees this as an avenue for sobriety. Learn from the others and don't become them. I think,( well, I know if I'm being honest), I fear the loss of bonding time if I avoid alcohol. How will mom and dad feel about a visit from their daughter and family if they must feel awkward about alcohol consumption. Isn't life a party we should all enjoy while we are visiting together?! I fear being shut out.
I will not go to AA. I live in a small town. I will be recognized. I have a history of depression and anxiety and it made it hard for me to get my child care license and I really don't want to add alcoholism to my "rap sheet." What can I do to get clean on my own? How do I stop drinking. Obviously not today, as I have already drank my liquid courage to even type this email. But tomorrow, I want to be a new me. How? I fear I can only go downhill from here without serious change!