Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Good Girl Gone Drunk

***Submitted by Anonymous


Wow.

Me, 28 year old mother of one adorable 3 year old dude submitting a blog to an addiction site? Really? No way. This is so below me.

I'm smart and beautiful - better than the average Jane.

College degree. In Psychology. (Irony.)

Sexy. IF you take away my extra 30- 40 pounds I just can't lose. Well I could, if I stopped drinking 6 to 8 to ? I  can't remember how many beers a day.

I'm self employed for the past year. I run a - wait for it - home daycare. I am responsible for and make my living with taking care of 4 children under 4 plus my own 3 year old son. Have I ever drank while watching them? NO! Do I open a beer at 5:32 as the last mother pulls out of the driveway? Several days a week. Am I hungover when the first child arrives at 7 am. Yup. And have I ever considered a drink while watching them? Weekly battle.

I am a good person. I repeat this in my mind often, and aloud to my concerned husband. He sees my nightly pattern of drinking a 6 pack as a problem and has often - and politely - suggested it's a problem. Last night he actually approached the subject less causally and I felt attacked.Embarrassed. He said something must be done, and he'll do it himself if he has to.

But I am not an "alcoholic." How could I be? I live day to day and get all my chores done and manage my household and my career. I send home children to happy parents who praise the job I am doing with their children. I work hard. Those kiddos are crazy all day long - I deserve that drink at 5:30. I earned it! I'm just having fun.

I drink beer because liquor or wine sends me into a bad place. I learned this is college and post-college and avoid it. "I don't do liquor." is part of my vocab. Beer it is, because you can't consume enough beer in a short period of time to get totally trashed, right? Makes total sense - not.

Alcoholism is apparent in my family. Maybe someone sees this as an avenue for sobriety. Learn from the others and don't become them. I think,( well, I know if I'm being honest), I fear the loss of bonding time if I avoid alcohol. How will mom and dad feel about a visit from their daughter and family if they must feel awkward about alcohol consumption. Isn't life a party we should all enjoy while we are visiting together?! I fear being shut out.

I will not go to AA. I live in a small town. I will be recognized. I have a history of depression and anxiety and it made it hard for me to get my child care license and I really don't want to add alcoholism to my "rap sheet." What can I do to get clean on my own? How do I stop drinking. Obviously not today, as I have already drank my liquid courage to even type this email. But tomorrow, I want to be a new me. How? I fear I can only go downhill from here without serious change!


Sincerely,
Anonymous.

25 comments:

  1. I too live in a small town, and at the time, had a job the i didn't feel I could keep if I was "found out." So i didn't go to AA. sometimes i still think how silly it was not to go to any official meetings, because now I know that it would have made my journey much more bearable. But, like you, i didn't feel like i could bring myself to have the "label" in front of a group of my peers. So i did my own version of the program from the safety of my home. i spent HOURS upon hours on the AA site, reading the 12 step book. it's here http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=359 if you're interested. and it gave me somewhere to start. starting somewhere is better than not starting at all. i've been sober for 16 months now. is it awkward at parties? yup. but am i happier? is my family happier? do we have more money in the bank? absolutely. i wouldn't trade awkward parties and sobriety for all the beers in the world now. starting blows (can i say that on here?). well, it does. but succeeding is amazing, and so worth those rough patches in the beginning. it gets better...

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  2. You definitely don't have to be a "bum" to be an alcoholic. I'm a well-educated, successful litigation attorney myself. And I didn't drink everyday, just binged from time to time.

    But my personal definition of being an alcoholic simply means that one uses alcohol in an unhealthy way, i.e, to self-medicate or to escape one's emotions or problems.

    On going to AA, you can go to the town next door, or drive 20 miles out. I go in my town, and anonymity is taken with the utmost seriousness. No one would ever consider "outing" anyone in the program. Going to AA makes recovery much easier. I'm not a religious or God person, but I enjoy the group therapy/fellowship of AA immensely. That's why I go. So I don't have to feel alone in this struggle.

    Feel free to follow my blog at http://soberlawyer.com. Best of luck in your recovery!

    Dick, the Sober Lawyer

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  3. Small town, successful business owner here. I was terrified of AA but finally got desperate enough to drag myself into the meeting and it changed my life. I never imagined my life could be so full, peaceful and fun with out alcohol but my truth was that I had become an isolated, mean and miserable drunk. Quitting gave me the ability to laugh again, to care about others and to finally be honest with myself about myself. I hope you give yourself the gift of sobriety. And you know what, do whatever works for you. I know that I wouldn't have stayed sober with out the fellowship and tools AA provides me, but we are all different. Good luck to you, wishing you so much peace!
    Aimee

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  4. I am smart, educated, pretty, the mother of cheerleaders/debutantes in a small town... a secret drinker, a beer drinker too (couldn't do wine or liquor either)... always full of shame... I read this site for a while before I got the courage to call my brother (he is 18 years sober) and ask for help. He took me to an AA meeting, which I almost didn't go to because of the same fear you have - "What if I see someone I know?" - My brother answered not so politely "Well, they're a drunk too, you think they are going to tell anyone?" --- The women of AA literally took me into their arms and I have not looked back. However I understand your fears and there are other groups like Women for Sobriety. I hope you can free yourself, it is a wonderful life here on the sober side, it truly is!

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  5. The thing i have discovered much like many of the people posting is that AA...even in a small town...is STILL AA. Everyone there is a drinker and nobody wants to be found out. Take a chance.

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  6. I am a mental health professional. who also happens to be an alcoholic. Voted most likely to succeed, prettiest girl in my high school class. I am responsible, live in a nice neighborhood, wear nice clothes, Have a "perfect" family and present well. And I am an alcoholic. I didn't drink daily, I drank about a bottle of wine a night. I could quit for weeks at a time. And yet, I am an alcoholic. 1 1/2 years sober. It is the best feeling to be free. Keep going. Freedom is better than drinking, I promise.

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  7. All of these comments bring tears to my eyes. I'm so glad I sent in this letter. I feel like other people understand me. I'm going to start some reading on my own and try for the next week and see if I can do this. If I can't, I think I will try an AA meeting, although the idea still terrifies me. I don't want a drink today but we will see come 5:30 if I am singing the same tune.

    - the Anonymous poster of Good Girl Gone Drunk

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  8. I was a well known newspaper writer in our town -- a woman many others looked up to (though, I want to wretch just typing that) who promoted a healthy (running!) lifestyle and positive attitude. Blah, blah, blah.

    No WAY was I going to AA, and I didn't. Not only did I not want to be recognized (and I would've been), but the religion part of it bothers me. I'm not powerless.

    I found the support I needed at an online site -- www.womenforsobriety.org.

    I'm 18 months sober now & I absolutely love it (there are times I wish I could drink with control...like at the wedding I was just at, but I know that's not an option for me anymore).

    You think alcohol makes everything better...takes you away, but really, it makes everything worse. And I realize now...how much of life I was missing -- wasted years spent wasted.

    You can do this -- even without AA.

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  9. You can do this!! I am a mental health professional, well known mom of 4 in my community and DESPERATELY trying to stop and get control.........it's been 47.5 hours...............

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    Replies
    1. good luck to you, i'm counting hours too, hoping to make it to days, weeks, and more.

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    2. hating myself today epic FAIL guess i'll start over tomorrow

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  10. You are a great writer - I for sure identified with a lot of what you captured so well.

    I wanted to comment on the alcoholic family and loss of bonding/hangout time. I have a similar dynamic in my family, but it eventually became more important to me to be sober than to keep that option open. We haven't talked really openly about my sobriety (ie, they do not know I do AA), but they have rolled with it really well. I know not every alcoholic parent would do so, since I was definitely NOT easygoing about sober people when I was still drinking, but it has gone well for me. And I like the feeling of being a sober adult, that I can handle things in my life or even difficult situations that might involve them as they age. It's a great feeling.

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  11. If we could see the apple on our own head, we would not have a problem. Don't make it into a moral issue.

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    Replies
    1. I'm sorry - I don't quite understand what you mean?

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  12. Have you read Rational Recovery by Jack Trimpey? It may help.

    Congratulations on having the guts to post here. Good luck on your sober journey, you can do it!

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  13. I have been inspired by writing this and seeing the response. And reading the past years of everyone's posts. I see so many similarities in everyone, and I relate to so much of it. I am starting my own blog because I feel the urge to write daily and vent. Hoping to be successful, cautiously optimistic. But I think it's time I see if I can do this on my own, or if this problem is bigger than I know.

    Thanks, "Good Girl Gone Drunk author and now blog owner http://tryonedayatatime.blogspot.com/.

    Thanks everyone!!!

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  14. Alcohol doesn't discriminate. Anyone can have a drinking problem.

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  15. I'm a 32 year old business owner in a small town. I too am too afraid to go to AA. I've managed sobriety for a month or two at a time on my own...but I keep falling into the same hole expecting different results :( Yep, that makes me offically insane. I NEED to go, I really do. Yet here I set in my office chair, thinking about drinking *sigh*

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    Replies
    1. I feel you. I regrettably had 2 beers last night. I now feel so guilty. It was not worth it. Now I have to start over again. I'm hoping these blogs are the strength I need but I think I may need AA, or something like it. Strength in numbers.

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    2. give yourself a break and start over that's what I am trying to do after 2 bottles of wine ugh hour by hour

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    3. http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7834514795441831188#overview/src=dashboard I'm 60 hrs sober (again) and struggling. I've started a blog in hopes that it will help me stay sober if anyone wants to check it out.

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  16. You may be a High Functioning Alcoholic. Many successful women are. I would point out that being a High Functioning Alcoholic may mean that you can go weeks without a drink, but are still an alcoholic. It isn't defined by how often you drink, but more by your relationship with alcohol and how you deal with it.

    I would highly recommend you buy and read the book "Understanding the High-Functioning Alcoholic: Professional Views and Personal Insights" by Sarah Allen Benton, MS, LMHC.

    I think the insights from Benton, a HFA in recovery herself, will help you get a better handle on your issues. I read the book because the woman I love is a HFA.

    Again, I would ask the brave and amazing women who post on this blog to pray for the woman I love: http://www.godvine.com/prayers/44906

    Good luck and God bless.

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  17. I belong to an online forum.. Women for Sobriety. If you google it you should come upon the website and there is online support here. I, too, did not see myself going to AA. Your story is very similar to mine.

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  18. Have you tried counseling? not exactly AA, but one on one with a therapist? If you don’t want anyone to know that you are getting help, counseling would be best because whatever you say is confidential, unless you are hurting yourself or someone else. I am not an alcoholic but my dad died from it years ago, my moms an alcoholic and two brothers also. Therapy will help you find the reason of your drinking problems. Is it really due to being afraid of getting shut out & not bonding? When I visit my mother, I like when she’s sober so we can talk because once she’s drunk I cant bond with her, our mental states are complete different. If your family is what causes you to drink then maybe you shouldn’t be around them as often, visit once in a while. As you see alcoholism can be continued from generation to next generation, so you might transfer it to the next generation, just something to think about.

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