Sunday, June 3, 2012

Coffee Cup Drunk

***Submitted by Anonymous

 I intended to go to bed early last night when I came across this blog. I was up until midnight, completely riveted by the stories.

Each and every story contained elements of my life as a "Coffee Cup Drunk".

The hidden wine bottles, the shots of vodka, the ridiculous fights with husbands and kids, vodka in the coffee cup, the slow insidious transformation of just a glass or two into full blown 7-days a week drunkenness and on and on. It is oddly comforting to hear from other women, other moms who have driven drunk or forgotten entire evenings at home.

I feel less isolated. 
I also feel bolstered by the courage and candidness. 
I feel as if I can actually do this.

Three weeks ago, I committed to living sober. 

Since then, I have had no more than sporadic 1-2 day stretches of staying sober. It's humiliating, guilt inducing and just plain ridiculous.
Today I begin day 2.  

I have realized that I can't leave my house/yard today. Every mundane errand becomes a path to one of the liquor stores on my rotation or now, Whole Foods $3 chardonnay. 

$3 chardonnay that tastes decent at Whole Foods. It's not so guilt inducing when that bottle is nestled in with all the fresh organic produce, grass fed meats, and supplements I use to reduce the subsequent hangover. 

My husband knows I decided to quit. He has no idea what a struggle it's been or that I haven't been consistently sober since I shared my decision with him.

He's happy to do the grocery shopping for me today. I tell him it's so I can  get a bunch of work done in the garden or in the house.

It's really so I don't stroll by the wine department and pick up some cold refreshment for this warm Sunday evening after all I've accomplished today...I'm entitled aren't I?

19 comments:

  1. I am hearing ya on the Whole Foods thing. I use to think that I was a higher quality of drinker because I bought at specialty wine shoppes or Trader Joes. The cold reality is that I'd find myself in the trashcan at 3:00 AM sucking booze off the cap of whatever bottle I had finished off last, just trying to get the last drop.

    Sobriety can be had. Seek out all avenues of recovery until you fins what works for you and then hold on to it for dear life.

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  2. The Whole Food things sounds like brilliant reasoning and also the mind of an alcoholic. I am proud you sent your husband, and you are soo not alone. The guilt is what finally got me to quit. The guilt that I couldn't stretch 2 days of sobriety together on my own, let alone even 16 hours.

    Now that I am sober and have gotten over the initial hump, life is amazing and I would never trade in a day of sobriety for anything. Life is GREAT.

    I am rooting for you and applaud your bravery to come speak what's in your heart. You came to a good place, I am sure you know that already because you loved the stories you read. AA worked for me and I highly recommend it, but there are other avenues if you want, too. I promise it will get easier. Stick to it! :)

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  3. You are ENTITLED to pursue happiness, to share that happiness with your family, and most of all to share that happiness with yourself. Making the decision to get sober is hard, and you have to take it day to day. Every morning you have to make it over again. Don't think of sobriety, think of it as just for today. You can do it, you deserve it. I cannot put into words the happiness I've experienced since getting sober and staying sober, but I can tell you that it's worth it. It's hard sometimes but O M G it's worth it :-) It's the BEST decision I ever made! I've gotten to know myself for the first time in my life, and I'm not ashamed! I have nothing to be ashamed of anymore! It's amazing. Just try it. One day at a time. One hour at a time. You deserve it!

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    1. Whoops it was supposed to say "Don't think of sobriety as forever, think of it as just for today" :-)

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  4. I'm more than familiar with the $3 chardonnay at Whole Foods. Know you aren't alone and keep writing.

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  5. I recognize each moment you speak of, you can do this! Don't try hard...try easy...Try this moment, and this moment, and this one. I'm on day 21' so hard the first week, but now the shame is gone and I can look at my family proud....sending you love

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  6. I had to not go to places where they sold alcohol for several years before I felt ok even stopping by with a support person. I would make up excuses that made it impossible to go into the store and ask my husband to do the errand instead. After a while it became easier and easier until now (twenty-eight years clean) I can buy it for another and not want it at all.

    That day will come for you too. Maybe sooner than it took me-we're individuals in these kinds of functions. Thank you for sharing your experiences and I hope that two days turns into three which then stretch to four. Soon a week will have passed by and then it will have been a month...

    You can do it-we're here for you when you need encouragement.

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  7. You sound very much like the rest of us with alcoholic minds! One thing to remember which was huge to me in the beginning is that you are NOT a bad person no matter what you have or have not done. You are a SICK person and that is a big difference. The disease of alcoholism is a thief - it takes away everything. One thing I have heard consistently from people is that you can't do this alone. For me, I went to inpatient rehab then outpatient rehab then dove head first into the AA boat. I found a sponsor, worked the steps, have friends in AA (have to get rid of old drinking "friends" who probably weren't even friends in the first place), and avoid places that are triggers for me. I highly suggest trying AA. I know some people aren't into it but I suggest trying it for awhile. It has saved my life. Life is SO much better today than it was a year and a half ago. You can do this!!! :) Hang in there!

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  8. Go to AA! It works. You need to be completely honest with your husband and kids and then go to a meeting. I tried to quit on my own over and over again, it doesn't work. Meetings were the only thing that relieved the obsession. Try it, it works.

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  9. I think it's awesome that you handed over the shopping to your husband so you wouldn't find yourself buying booze. As for the false starts, it's all part of process. Getting to day 2 is awesome! Keep writing, reading sober blogs, commenting. If you're ready, AA is great. Online AA is good if you are too scared to try a meeting. Engage in some way with the sober community, just like you did with this post and you're on your way!

    XO

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  10. Congratulations on day two! I am so with you on how the 1 or 2 glasses turns into a full on session and also the feelings of humiliation and guilt. Those feelings are a Massive burden to carry around and it's miraculous how they dissipate once you stop boozing. And it is so freeing to live without those unproductive emotions. I'm doing it on my own and am cruising through day 43 as I write this. You CAN do this and I'm impressed at your shopping strategy. You know what you need to do and you're doing it. All the best to you. x

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  11. Thank you! Thank you!

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  12. I haven't made it to day 2 yet, but I've had a lot of day ones.Day 1 is so hard, surely day 2 is better.

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  13. I am thinking about you, and praying for you. I am in a very similar position - I am on Day 3, for what probably is my 70th Day 3. I'm a binge drinker, and often quit drinking for weeks or months at a time (my longest was four months). Over the weekend, I binged again after a wedding.

    There are many steps to recovery - please find one that works for you. Your life is too precious to leave it enslaved to this horrible disease.

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    1. Hi. I am a binge drinker too and I am wondering if you have any idea what sets you off on that binge. My binging is quite cyclical and very often happens during my pms stage. Almost always. I don't know how after stopping for long periods it just clicks and I am back at it full force. Same regrets, same shame, same sadness...I love being sober when I am which is why it is so baffling??? Day 13 for me and hoping this is the last day 13...

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    2. I too fall into the binge camp. I still hold onto the hope (just two weeks without a drink) that I can one day be the type of person who can enjoy just one or two drinks socially. Oh, how much easier my life would be, to just "be normal". But if I'm honest I know it's an illusion. I don't WANT to stop drinking, I don't WANT to be a moderate drinker. The sole purpose of drinking is to GET drunk, why would I drink otherwise?

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    3. I got worse before I got better...much worse! AA can be so wonderful...try different meetings till you get the one that works for you. The book LIVING SOBER was the most helpful for me - especially to get through the first weeks. I went online and ordered Anabuse without a prescription because I was too ashamed to tell my doctor. It was a lifesaver! Basically - you CAN'T drink for about 4 days after taking a pill - that was so liberating to me, because willpower and slipping were out of the question! I would make myself take one every 4 days - and go to AA - it made all the difference! Now, 2 years completely sober (NEVER thought that would happen!) I rarely need to take the pill - I am THRILLED to be sober, and actually have fun, and have built back trust and my relationships.

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  14. You are so not alone! I found this website when I was desperate to make a connection with others who understand and have been in my shoes. There is no worse feeling than the sneaking, hiding, lying, neglecting that all come along with problem drinking. It's plain exhausting. After my last binge I made a video of myself on my phone, hungover, actually still probably part drunk, and expressed how it felt at that moment. The shame, and sadness and feeling that I'm losing my family is all there for me to reference. It's difficult to look at now that I'm back in my "sober mind" but it does remind me of something that I sometimes forget when I think a drink will help - it never helps and it always leads to that ending that is on that video! Do whatever you need to do to help yourself. AA, Rehab, therapy, family, friends...they are all tools and we each have to decide which ones work for us individually. I'm sending positive thoughts your way...

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  15. Struggling to surrenderAugust 1, 2012 at 6:44 PM

    Wow, did I see myself in what you just described except for wine, it was vodka. Thank you for sharing. I am only 4 days sober and God has it been difficult. Countless moments throughout these 4 days I am lost in the thoughts of how much I want that drink. Thank you for your post because you have given me hope.

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