Sunday, June 10, 2012

Almost Through Day Two - Newly Sober

*** Submitted by Anonymous


It's 6pm on a Sunday night and I have almost made it through my second sober day.  I'm 42 years old and I have two children, age 5 and 7.

I have been drinking since I was 14. I have a drink-free night every six weeks or six months, which I have falsely used to give myself permission to continuing drinking.  I have tried to quit completely in the last year.  Last summer, I told a friend, "If I drink tonight, I am going to put myself in rehab."  She said I didn't have a drinking problem and poured me a glass of wine. A few months ago, I told my husband I wanted to go the week without drinking, and when I got home from work that night, there were six new bottles of wine on the counter. (He doesn't drink that much wine.)

Almost every morning for the past six months, I wake up thinking to myself, "I really need to stop drinking."  But by the end of the work day, I am home again downing another bottle of wine. 
Yesterday morning, I decided that I needed to do this for myself, not for anyone else. 

I put a hair rubber band around my wrist to remind myself of my commitment to myself.  We didn't have any social commitments except kids birthday parties this weekend so I thought it would be pretty straightforward. 

Except when the host of today's party poured me a big glass of wine.  I held the glass of wine with my hand with the rubber band, and didn't have a sip. That was hard. 

I am glad I made it through the party, but I am worried about the week. The rubber band is still on my wrist. 
I would love to wake up in the morning without saying anything like this:

"Was I bad last night?"
"Ugh, why do I bring a glass of wine bed with me?"
"Did I really drink that much gin?"
"Did we stay up for the whole movie?"

Or for goodness sake, I don't ever want to have to check my sent items and texts to see what I was writing, especially to my boss.
I don't want to go to work hungover, barely making it through the day (which is 7 of 10 days).  

I definitely don't want to be hung over giving a presentation to a room full of 400 people.  

I don't want to drink myself through a 7-day beach vacation.

I don't want to eat a cheeseburger and fries and a real coke to feel better.  

I don't want my children to bring me ice for my head when I am laying in bed. 

I don't want the flight attendant to look at me funny when I order my fourth wine. 

I don't to sit on the train, the only one drinking wine on the commuter train, once directly from the bottle because I forgot to ask for a cup (small bottle, but still embarrassing).


74 comments:

  1. 2 days - good for you. I cant even go one. I try and try.
    I also dont want to do any of those things you dont want to do. I find myself doing them all the time. I make a lot - A LOT of excuses every single day, all day sometimes. I am tired of it. I will turn 38 soon. I have a 3 year old son. I am so sick of this. I am proud of you for your 2 days and envious, as well. Please keep at it.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. I like the note below of one day at a time. This site makes me feel like I am not alone. I will think of you and look forward to hearing about your first day.

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    2. I too feel the exact same way and today I am on day 2. I just do not want to drink anymore. It's ruining my health and my relationships. I isolate myself and spend all of my time either being hungover or think about how fast can I go through my life before I drink again. I'm just trying to take one day at a time. Reading everyone's stories and comments give me hope. Hang in there!

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    3. Tomorrow will be 30 days sober. Very very big for me. I went to a detox for 7days I know without that, I would not be sober today and just starting to enjoy my life. No more lies. no more covering up. No more looking at the clock and waiting for the liquor store to open up. No more driving to a different liquor store every day. I feel free. I started going back to mass. Been away so long I did't even know the prayers. I learning and it feels great. I attend an IOP three times a week (huge help). I attend AA meetings two times a day again huge help. I go to AA meetings right where I grew up and still live. I admitted I am an alcoholic. I don't care who sees me. As long as I am getting the help and support I really need now. God bless all of you and hang in there. It truly gets better each day with pray and support

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    4. I am on my second day today...i'm barely making it through my day at work...I also have a small child she is almost two and the guilt of being a horrible mom is what drives me to drink some days...thinking to myself just one to stop the shakes and anxiety!! I recently separated from my husband due mine and his drinking. I have been sober for months before so I know I can do it but the first week is so hard. I'm so happy I came across this site...reading your stories help me so very much...at least I know I'm not alone...Thanks!!

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  2. For years and years I had the same conversations with myself. I will say this, if you are looking for support within your immediate circle of friends, you may surprised that you don't find it. Our drinking patterns our entrenched within us and within our social circles. Most don't understand and those that do typically have someone in their life going through something similar.

    I always suggest an AA meeting to start with. You can always go to one in a neighboring town if you have anonymity issues. Its a safe place to go to meet people who are going through the exact same thing.

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    1. Thank you Kristin. I am hoping to find support online for now. Between this site and my hair rubber band, I am also through day 3. I really appreciate what you say about support - I was surprised not being able to find it through my typical circle of support.

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    2. meant to say "almost" through day 3 :)

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    3. Interesting way to prepare for your own tendencies to revert - the rubber band - good plan! It has been nearly 3.5 years since I have had a glass of wine and it was my drink of choice. I, too, did not want to go through AA for a host of reasons that don't matter to anyone but me, and was lucky enough to find a connection on line that was my lifeline, so to speak.

      Have you see the blog "30 Sleeps"? If you google "how do I quit drinking?" you'll find it...

      The reason the site worked for me was that I was able to write there anytime I had an urge to drink or anytime I needed any sort of companionship that mirrored my own context...and I found often tender responses always. It was my road out.

      Also - just for myself - I needed to stay out of social contexts for several months - said no to anything...I just felt too fragile to experience life without the crutch of being at least one glass of wine left of sober. And it really helped me to just stay as close to home as possible. Not the same for everyone but if you find it's easier to stay closer to the home base of your convictions and real effort to get sober, know that you are not alone and it's really ok to do it that way.

      Best to you - you can do this...it takes courage and grit and more courage...and I found that courage was something that can be built up, like muscles. Just keep moving forward and don't worry about what's being left behind. Plenty of time to ponder all that at a much later date...

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    4. Thank you - I like 30 sleeps. Good reading and good ideas. Got on a plane yesterday (one of my toughest situations). Day 3 down. Working on day 4. :)

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  3. Don't worry about tomorrow, focus on staying sober Today. Tomorrow is to overwhelming.

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    1. Thank you! Such good advice. I am such a planner that it is hard not to think about a long-term plan.

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    2. I dont know about that, sometimes planing can help you look forward to something fun to do, a reward, or avoid a potential situation of temptation, even avoid idol moments of boredom that can lead to a fall.

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  4. You will find that those around you will not encourage you to stay sober. Alcoholics surround themselves with drunks and enablers, purposely or subconsciously. And certain people are drawn to drunks so you may surrounded by them. Everyone's getting something out of you staying drunk. It is very hard or even impossible to change their perception of you or the situation. You can only change you and the quality people in your life will be there through the change. The superficial ones will find another host.

    Kudos to you for focusing on you and making a positive change!


    XO

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    1. Your words really spoke to me - thank you.

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  5. The hair band was a brilliant idea....good thinking! It is so hard to break free of the alcohol dependency, the drinking "habit" and the enablers around you. I do hope you can stay sober for today, because you will be so proud with each morning without questions or guilt. Just know that days 3-7 can be very hard, but just knowing that may help. The benefits of getting through each day sober are enormous. Be kind to yourself and keep your eye on that hair band!

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    1. Thank you! Hair band is still on the wrist. I even went looking for another one when I wanted to put my hair up. Not coming off today (day 3).

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  6. Your story is so much like mine. SO MUCH. You're doing wonderfully! When I told my mom that I quit she said, "If you keep focusing on today, then one day you'll look back and see that it's been a year." She was absolutely right. Stay with each day, find some support, and be gentle with yourself.

    Great work!

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  7. I am so proud of you. So impressed that you held a glass of wine and didn't drink it at the birthday party. You are showing great resolve!! You can do this, with help.

    there IS hope!

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  8. Online support is fine, but a group like AA offers something else, accountability. You will find someone that is a phone call away when the rubber band doesn't work. It is a simple program but it is not easy. Call AA and find a womens meeting to start. I promise we will love you until you learn to love yourself.

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  9. You can do it. We're all here with you.

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  10. As you are now....once was I....

    Quote from someone very close to me, used repeatedly to me during my childhood as a way for me to understand the fatherly advice i received..."as you are now..once was I"...helped me to understand that he knew just what i was going through.

    One day...i hope to look at an alcoholic in the face and say that phrase.... i am not there yet...I am you....i am a successful highly paid executive with two young children and ...an alcoholic...as i write this, my children sing upstairs...laughing...meanwhile, i sit and read stories of heartache and success, triumph and tribulations, all the while...drinking......

    Every day I beg and pray...not today...just not for today... and evening comes...and there's always some cause for celebration...especially when the celebration is a day sober...

    Maybe tomorrow i can say.... As you are now...so am I...Sober!

    Good idea on the rubber band...keep it up!

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    1. Thank you for your note and words of encouragement. I will be thinking about you.

      For me. At home, with two small children and a stay at home dad -- at work, with a team of thirty and enormous pressure to drive revenue with decreased budget. at work, with a bully for a boss. Home, with a few glasses of wine or more to make it all go away. 30 sleeps talked about more productive hours in the day. I don't want more productive hours - I want more time where no one is asking something of me - more time when I don't have to concentrate on anything. I think I drank 12 cups of chamomile tea on day 1. If you can think of anything other than chamomile tea as a ritual, I'm all ears :)

      Hope you are well. Looking forward to hearing of your day 1.

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  11. Congratulations. One day at a time. Keep believing in yourself and do it for the reasons you have in your heart.

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  12. Oh Honey,
    I am you and you are me and we are all together. Just like you, I started drinking at 14 and spent the next 35 years just waiting for the next drink. Just like you, I have had those morning discussions almost verbatim for 35 years. Just like you, my friends and my husband thought they were doing a favor by ignoring my attempts at quitting, they weren't trying to be destructive, they were just trying to reassure me that they loved me no matter what. Just like you, I wasn't ready to seek help from outside sources such as AA, I wasn't strong enough, I was too ashamed, I had lots of reasons that I don't remember anymore and I sought help where I felt comfortable, on the internet.

    I am jealous of you, I am 50 years old and have been sober for 9 months and they have been the most miraculous joy-filled months of my life and if you stay quit right now, you will always have 8 more sober years than I will. I wish I had those years back.

    I did find my sobriety through internet message boards, blogs, and my own blog http://godwalkedintothisbar.blogspot.com/ but through the wisdom of the people I have met on these sites I have lost my fear of reaching out to other sources and will if I feel the need or just want to physically touch or talk to someone that is going through what I am going through. My own friends and husband have been so supportive and I'm pretty sure if they saw me pick up a drink they would trample each other to be the first to knock it out of my hand.

    This life is a good life and it can be yours. Just do it. I, and many others, just like you, will be there to help you. Kary

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  13. Thank God I found you. Reading your posts is like reading something I could have written. I am just starting to become honest with myself I think. Ive had several starts and stops...have been drinking since 13, went to a big drinking all girls private highschool where there were a lot of drugs and alcohol but and a big drinking college. I started a Wine Club for my single girl friends at 28....two of them are in recovery, one for 10 years and one for 3 years. MOst of the remaining few of us SHOULD be in recovery. I have two small boys ages 4 and 8. I hate for them to see me down a botle of wine every night. I never think I am drunk. The next day I feel like ass, read my tweets and FB posts and emails to make sure I didnt say something embarrassing to a client or one of my partners. I keep saying this is no way to live. But I rationalize that I am not like my girl friends who are in recovery who had massive rock bottoms before rehab. But I wonder---could that be coming my way? I am learning that I dont seem to have any power of this. On Monday I was 3 days sober and feeling so superior over my normal weak self. I was goign to yoga, doing a cleanse, went to church...feeling good. MOnday night I had a dinner party for some women who used to work for me. I bought all sorts of sparkling non alcoholic drinks for me to fake that I wasnt drinking. I had wine for them. Surprisingly, two were not drinking because they were training for a run and a third had to drive a long distance. The fourth was drinking. I thought--I will just have a sip to make it look like I am drinking...I will just sip on a glass...like the teetotaler I aspire to be. Knowing that my husband is assuming they are all drinking so he wont be monitoring the bottles leaving the house in the trash can. TWO AND A HALF BOTTLES LATER....I rationalized that my one drinking friend probably drank almost one bottle...maybe 3/4..so that means I drank almost two. I had a big meeting yesterday and had to present a marketing plan to 50 people in an executive board room. It went well but I felt awful. To be honest, I STILL feel hungover today. My husband asked me on Monday night if I had any wine and I said no. I lied to him. I am looking at today and know I can get through tonight without that one glass of wine that inevitably becomes 4. I feel blessed to have found this group. Last week when I realized I had to figure out a way to stop I emailed Stefanie Wilder Taylor adn she suggested this group. She was one woman I coudl relate to but it sounds like there are a lot of us out there. I would love to hear recommendatiosn for more online groups, forums, books, ANYTHING that can keep me strong.

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    1. My blog and most blogs have links to other blogs, you will be able to find several that resonate with you, if not all of them. There are links to several blogs on the right side of this page. Sometimes my biggest problem is finding the time to read and respond to all of the blogs that are out there. Women for Sobriety http://www.womenforsobrietyonline.com/ is an online support group for women and is very active with lots of tools and face-to-face meetings and regularly scheduled chats. MMabsers http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/mmabsers/ is a small but very active message board of members that have chosen to permanently abstain from alcohol, it is a branch off of Moderation Management http://www.moderation.org/ a website that promotes learning moderation. While many people may say there is no such thing as moderation for problem drinkers, many of us have to answer that question for ourselves before we move onto sobriety peqcefully and I am thankful to this organization for reintroducing me to a life without alcohol. These sites do not promote any single recovery method but support members in whatever means they choose.

      These are just a few of the sources out there, there are multitudes of others and you should be able to find one or more that you are comfortable with.

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    2. Hi, I too am so, so happy to have found you and found this site. I am trying to be honest with myself about where I am right now, today. I'm on day 6. So far, I have had many doubts but moments of strength too. Trying to think of it as one day at a time - and sometimes one hour at a time. I'm having a crap day at work, and reminding myself that having drinks tonight will not make work better. I like the Booze free Brigade group on Yahoo - great to read through group postings and this site. I thought Being Sober Sucks was a fun to read - really honest personal perspective.

      Looking forward to hearing more from you.

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  14. I'm doing it! Day four and drinking San pellegrino on a Friday night! I'd usually be starting glass 2 by now. Oh how I wish I was.....but am glad I'm not. Need to remember I will feel good tomorrow and not feel shameful. Listening to my neighbor and her friends out back drinking and having fun.

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  15. Woohoo! You can bet you feel better this morning than your neighbors who are probably wondering why they chose to sacrifice a precious weekend morning (in my case, it would have been the whole weekend) for a few hours of "fun" on Friday night.

    Go enjoy your morning. Plant some flowers, take a walk or bike ride, meet a friend for breakfast...remember, it's up to you to make it worth it. Kary

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  16. Today is an amazing day to be sober.....just today. Thankfully yesterday is gone and tomorrow hasn't happened and we only have to live in this one.

    I'm here, will be here to support you if and when you need/want it.

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  17. A friend referred me to this and I am so thankful!! I am on day two of no wine. I work full time with a young daughter and what you wrote summed up exactly how I feel! I thought drinking a bottle of wine a night was OK because I never drove, never drank during the day, never missed work, drank mainly after my daughter was in bed, etc... But, I felt like crap 90% of the time. There are so many nights I don't remember washing my face and brushing my teeth and going to bed, or whole conversations with my husband. Also the checking of sent emails! That is so me! I went to an AA meeting yesterday and we are so not alone! Hang in there!

    Best,
    Another sober mom

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  18. This site is a wonderful place -- to not feel alone, and I feel so supported. It's amazing to me, really. Thank you all.

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  19. I am on day 10 of no alcohol and on my 3rd night of vacation. At 43, it It is my first vacation since I was probably 18 years old where the days and evenings haven't been filled with too much to drink and hangovers. (minus the summer vacation when I was pregnant 10 years ago....) I am enjoying every minute. I don't wake up craving a greasy breakfast to help feel better, and counting down the hours to when a beer might be considered acceptable because, "Hey, I'm on vacation!" I love being sober on vacation! What a concept!

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  20. Wow! I find your posts incredibly inspiration. I am on vacation starting August 1st. Keep going - and please keep posting.

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    1. Hope you are doing well!

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  21. Thank you. I will! I will tell you vacation is especially challenging, I am around others drinking including my husband (he has offered to not, but I don't think that is fair since he doesn't have a problem and isn't a big drinker.) And, last night my friend also trying to quit and having done quite well, broke down and opened a bottle of wine. That was hard. I find just having something in my hand helps - I am mixing non-alcoholic wine with 7up and put it in a wine glass for a mock white wine spritzer. Also doing non alcoholic beer. I am on vacation until July 11 with many more temptations to come. I will post again later and let you know how I am doing. Hope your sobriety is going well!

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  22. 1st 4th of July celebration probably since I was a teenager where I didn't drink. Had a great time, good conversations with good friends that I remember today! Tomorrow will be my 2 weeks of no booze. Feeling great!

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  23. You are me!!!! I felt EVERY word of your story. I am sitting at my desk at work, with tears about to roll down my face, I am not even through one day. I am scared, and feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin. I am glad to have found this site. I am praying for strength.

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  24. Oh my, I love this blog. I am such a raging disaster of a drinker in what I think is a non-obvious way, but I bet is obvious to others. Work suffers, but I can always cover that. I don't drive if I'm drinking, won't drink more than a glass of wine if I'm around nieces/nephews/friends' kids. But beyond that, it is a bottle of wine at LEAST each night. And the after-checks are all me - checking texts, facebook and having vague recollections of conversations that only come back if I am reminded of them. Given how absurdly awful these situations are, I'm baffled as to why I can't stop. I recently went on vacation and of the 5 days I was there (and, of course, drank every day), there was only one day that I (still) think would have been more fun with drinking. But reading all this both makes me feel better and thinking about trying a meeting.

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    1. Hang in there. We're all in this together!

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    2. I just completed day 1!! I also can drink a bottle of wine a day....I feel sooo horrible every mornIng. I am looking forward to tomorrow mornIng!

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    3. Congrats!

      Everyday gets easier. I am 4 weeks sober now!!
      Doesn't it feel great to wake up feeling good?!

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  25. Hi all.I just found this site and think its wonderful.Today is day 2 sober for me.I have been a "DRUNK" for 10 years.I am a 39 year old woman with no kids and work at home,so I have easy access to beer.My husband when I met him 10 years ago was into making homemade beer and wines.Im not a wine drinker but love beer.So it was always at my finger tips.I don't blame him at all as im my own person and is responsible for my own actions.I can start at 9am drinking beer and drink it all day till I go to bed at 9pm.I seen me drink over a dozen beer lots of days in a row.Sunday night I decided to quit.Its not easy at all.Its all I can think about is beer.What makes it even worse is that my husband has a keg set up here so all you have to do is go to the keg and push the button and there it is in your glass.The only thing that is saving me from that is...I don't like homemade beer.The more he made for himself,gave me the excuse to go buy more for myself at the liquor store.God please let me get thru day 2!!

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  26. Hi day 2 for me, love the encouragement and the true stories on this site, we all sound like clones..so similar. I hope I can stick with it, realise I just can't have the one, its ALL or nothing for me. I'm 45 year old male, fit and probably look healthy, but sooo unhappy with myself, and don't want my two kids memory of me to be with a glass of something welded to my hand of an evening, (days seem fine till about 4pm), been drinking since teens but too regular since about 21 smoke some weed too :-( ! NOT ANY MORE THO ! because I am weak but strangely somtimes when I am at my weakest I am at my strongest ? so please God help me for if nothing else I am a fighter.
    best of luck to all, oh and just bought bag of elastic bands ! :-s x

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  27. Hi - this is day 2 for me. My first sober new years eve in over 30 years - been drinking a bottle of wine for at least 5 years every day - have gone worse the last few months as on a weekend can drink 2 bottles and know the damage i am doing. Broke up with my partner at the weekend after getting so drunk I just was totally out of it. It was my wake up call and I knew i had drank my last ever drink - it has controlled me for so long, made me a liar, left me with guilt and embarrassment and taken my money and health. Its next step is to kill me. Thank you for my wake up call because I know the next drink i take will lead to my death. I am tired of living as a wine drug addict - I raise my glass of fizzy water to a sober 2013 and thank God I have another chance. I gave up cigs 12 months ago - this time its the poison liquid. Good luck to us all, how can such a thing have such a hold on your life , so very very evil.

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  28. why is alcohol so evil...in the prohobition era men would drink everyday go out and work and no one was called an alcoholic...I believe it is just like the food in those days....more pure without all of the addictive and harmful ingredients....we take too many unnatural stuff in our body now that affects our mind in an addictive way.....why.....I wish I knew

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  29. Just wanted to say that I am 60 yrs old and have had this conversation so many times. I have stayed sober twice for six months and each time it was my husband who said 'I deserved a drink' or 'how about a nice glass of white wine'.I foolishly believed that it was okay and within a day I was back to drinking a bottle of wine a night plus more if I started early enough. I am now part way through Day 1 and I think I am going to have to go away for a week to avoid the presence of alcohol in my home. My husband does not have an alcohol problem as such. He drinks a fair amount but can stop when he wants, he hasn't the overpowering urge that I have. I asked for his help and he said he would support me but next day I found a winebox in the fridge and ten bottles in the garage. Apparently, the local store was having a wonderful sale! I realize that he needs to be in control and for some reason feels more at ease with me not performing at my best. He is very mean if I make a fool of myself whilst under the influence but is not at all supportive of my attempts to stop. I look back and hate that I have wasted so many years feeling that I was not doing my best. Hopefully, understanding that I need outside help will be the step that puts me on the right road.

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  30. Hello, I have read many of these posts and they are so helpful. It is day 2 for me and the night is almost over. I have drank since I was 12 years old. Everything in my life that has went wrong has came from drinking. I have 2 DUI's and I am only 22 years old. I don't know where my life hit the fan. The weird part is I just finished with my Bachelors Degree. I am a single father. I have a full time job. I can't believe through all the crap ive been through i have been able to maintain a life that most young adults are not able to being sobar. I really want to keep this sobriety up. I just need the help of other fellow addicts. I really want to keep this up because everyone i know that has recovered says their life is so great. Day 3 is tomorrow. I can't wait for another morning of no regrets. My name is Kyle. Thanks for reading

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  31. This is day 2 again for me being sober!!

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  32. Day 3 of being sober. Easily could down a bottle of wine in a night. Most often would make me run to the store for another couple glasses from a second bottle. 57 years old. Been drinking for years. Had a routine blood test that revealed crazy elevated liver enzymes so hopefully i will stay scared straight but my wine seeking will rationalize just about any reason to drink. Breaking the routine of getting off work and either going to wine happy hour (i know them all and they know me) or pouring that glass while i fix dinner is hard!!!!

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  33. Someone said we could all be clones. I am on my day 2. I have realized for the last few months that I couldn't continue with my 2 bottles of wine a night. Just couldn't. Too much of the stuff that was talked about above. It has been 5+ years since I haven't had at least one drink per night. Last night was my first sober night in those 5+ years. I don't know if this is considered cheating or not but I took the wine glass out of the cabinet sliced a lemon put a lemon slice, ice cubes and water in my wine glass. At least for last night it was pretty easy. I'm a little anxious today. I trying one day at a time. I need to do this for myself.

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  34. I am also glad I found this.. I relate to all of you in so many ways.. WAY to many ways.. I have not drank any wine today.. I can go 2 days without a problem and then on day 3 there I am again.,, I am fine if I drink 1 bottle and not fine if I drink 2.. sometimes I get really mean and I yell at everyone including my kids that are 10 and 12 it breaks my heart.. I have to stop this NOW.. before I do more damage to me and my family.. I am also 42..

    Angie

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  35. Wow, what an eye opener. I am also on day 2 of being a nondrinker. I started drinking at age 14 but didn't start daily drinking until I was 18. I'm now 49 and up until 2 days ago I drank 2 bottles of wine a day. One during working hours and one at home. I have been out of control for about 5 years. I've had enough of needing codeine to get me through feeling like crap because of my drinking and then always watching the clock to see if I can start yet or not. Funnily enough I haven't had the desire to take codeine in the last 2 days.
    Good luck to you all and don't forget why you stopped in the first place.

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  36. Hello all, came across this forum in a Google search and great to read all of the posts to remind myself I am not alone in this fight.

    I've been a drinker for 27 years, ever since starting in earnest in college. For many years it was a "social" thing on the weekends and on some evenings, though even then I was in many cases binge drinking. In 2005 it came to a head when I started drinking during the day- from there things spiraled downward quickly, including the loss of my job, friends intervening, and two unsuccessful rounds in a local treatment center. I hit my then-rock bottom when I was found unconscious on my front lawn at midnight on a cold winter night with hypothermia setting in. I almost died. My wonderful sister and her family stepped in- I went to live with them for 6 months, got mental help, went to AA meetings, starting working out at the gym, and things quickly got better. I was feeling great, got a new job, moved to a new city and felt I had hit the reset button.

    That was 5 years ago. It took me less than a month in my new city to start drinking again and I have been drinking ever since. For whatever reason "this time" around I've had no desire to drink during the day, but every night after work it's a 1.5 liter bottle of cheap red wine. I've managed to hold a job and actually do well in it, but mentally and physically I feel crappy. I've isolated myself and made few friends in this new community (solitary drinker). I've gained over 50 pounds.

    I've made a few runs at sobriety but they never seem to last longer than a week. Mentally and spiritually I feel I have access to many tools to help me get and stay sober. I have, for example, had an off and on meditation practice and know that can be a powerful ally for me - to be mindful, in the moment, to help me stay sober. I know where AA meetings are and know how to eat well, drink lots of water, exercise, etc. Over and over again I get up in the morning, ask God/Spirit for guidance, and set out on a path for sobriety.

    Then, 5 o'clock (or so) rolls around and some switch just flips. I've not had enough to eat and have not had enough water. I feel tired, and I am going home to an empty house. I start to feel sorry for myself, get self-centered. And then, the impulse or feeling to stop by the liquor store sets in without any resistance from the "rest of me". It's like the "alcoholic" me ignores all of the tools, mindfulness, and knowledge I have at my fingertips. It all just shuts off so I can drink, for just one more night. It's the most frustrating thing, like my higher self get shoved in a trunk so my alcoholic self can feed its addiction.

    It's all so confounding to me. Here I am, for example, at 9am on a Sunday, feeling hopeful that today, this week, things will be different. I can't think any other way. But this pattern has also repeated itself so many times it's getting very tiring.

    How can I make this time, today, different?

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    1. As you said yourself, you were hungry, low Blood sugar. Keep some delicious & different food in your freezer,something you haven't tried before to look forward to when you get home. Sometimes works for me

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  37. I have just read all of these posts and they are wonderful and heartwarming..
    Over Christmas I finally said the words out loud that I'm an alcoholic... I thought as I am only 24 thats what everyone was doing my age but the thing was it wasn't fun anymore going out. I would prefer to sit in my room on my own as people just got in the way of my drinking...
    I went to my first AA meeting yesterday. It was so inspiring and made me feel like I was not alone or Insane, I thought alcohol was my friend I could always turn too but now I realise it destroyed my soul and every relationship I had.
    Today is my 2nd day sober,, I woke up with a clear head and work was so much easier.
    AA provides a constant support because people need your support as much as you need theirs. The people I met have been amazing and I am off to my next meeting tonight.
    I am determined to get well and its exciting I am going to have a positive future!
    Day by day or hour by hour!

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  38. Day 2 for me, and certainly not my first time at this rodeo. I can go several nights, even a week, without any issues...but then it's like hey, I proved I can do it, I'm an adult, I can do what I want, and obviously I can control it. Several nights later I've proven that I can't. I drink when I'm happy. I drink when I'm sad. I get started then after awhile my brain shuts off and then I wake up with my familiar friend Self Loathing and try to recreate what might have happened. Sending texts when I'm drinking....oh yeah. But I delete them, so I there's no way I can go back and figure out what I say. I have hurt people terribly by sending texts while drinking (evidentially it brings out my mad). I have gone to work reeking from vodka, yet still able to function so hey, it's ok, right.... NOT!!!!! My sister says I'm a functioning alcoholic, but I think I'm actually just bordering on the alcoholic thing. What actually defines that anyhow? I'm approaching sobriety (abstinence?) differently this time. I have set a firm goal (60 days is my first milestone). I'm focusing on recognizing my triggers. I'm reading everything I can to learn tips and tricks to help get through the tough times (one site said eat lots of carbs to replace the sugars in the alcohol and don't let yourself get too hungry). Reading blogs with personal stories is helping a lot. I don't think the AA thing will work for me, but I'm not ruling anything out right now. One day at a time. Anyhow, thanks, everyone, for sharing. I have to figure out this blogging thing (lol) but I guess this is a good start. And I promise, I will pay it forward with whatever I learn and help others gain success beating this for themselves, on their own terms, as well.

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  39. Day 3 , feel much better today. stomach still running a bit. woke up 3 times during the night. but I feel better than yesterday. after reading most of the posts I feel ashamed that I spend so many days in a drunken haze. So much time wasted slowly killing myself with alcohol. for what ? all the stupid things I have done, said. I remind myself of how you feel the next day , after a binge when you wake up , forgetting most of what happened the night before. I will beat this. my name is john, and I am sober on day 3

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  40. It's the end of day 3 for me right now. It sounds like such a stupid thing to be proud of, but after reading all of these stories...I feel better. Even more I got a text from my girlfriends roommate at 230 am yesterday saying she was cheating on me. And she was. We broke up this morning. I'm just finishing a stretch of 13 days of work in a row, off tomorrow for one day only. I chose to pass the liquor store on my way home from Work tonight. Lots of excuses to drink. I usually drink a pint to a fifth a day so I'm feeling the DT's. But I'm sober and in bed now and when I wake up Tomorrow I wont be hungover and I will start another day.

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  41. I'm on day 2 also! After I almost had a heart attack yesterday morning from drinking tequila with my neighbor I got down on my knees and begged for my life have been drinking since I was 30 I'm 42 now my twin sister died of alcoholism at 34 I don't want to die I have a 12 yr old son and he suffers when I'm sick and lay in bed crying.. NO MORE FOR ME I hate it yesterday my face looked horrible like someone bit me up.. Thank you so much for all your help with this one day at a time will be my motivation to stop this decease.

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  42. Wow its like we are all walking the same path im on day 3 I just love wine but hate that it makes me tired grumpy and bloated been drinking for 32 years and surprised I have made it to 44 years old

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  43. Have read so much that I can relate to. .same excuses . I'm not that bad. .just in denial. .then the realisation that I have a problem and feeling so ashamed and alone. .The guilt and self loathing. Have some big events looming up and worried my resolve will slip. .can't go to A A in case recognised. So. Hoping to write here and feel part of a support network.

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  44. Day 1 tomorrow, I'm already scared to death! Please pray for me!

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  45. I am a reluctant poster. Anonymous July 13, I both regrettably and proudly will post with you tomorrow. I promise a long post on the last two years tomorrow. In the hope of finding strength and encouragement for a fresh day. Proud of the hope I have given. Embarrassed and humiliated by where I still find myself. Boys are 7 and 9. :'(

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  46. Day two here and felt as if I wrote that post myself. I'm 36 two children 3 and 6 and have a love affair with fine red wine. I decided to get sober when I found out I was pregnant with our second child (how convenient, since I would never drink during pregnancy) but shortly after her birth the picked up the wine again and sound very much like you.

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  47. Oops wasn't finished typing. Anyway, thank you for sharing your story and I'm grateful to have found this post!

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  48. What a great blog. I'm 55 years old and have been drinking 2 bottles of Chardonnay a day for numerous years. I went to the doctor yesterday for a UTI. When they did a urine test there was sugar in my urine and my blood glucose level was 231. I was diagnosed diabetic. I am as thin as a rail, and diabetes in my fail. I did this to myself by drinking. I am almost through day 2 of being sober. It's strange yet exciting to not have a glass of wine in my hand. Glad I found this blog. It took being scared sober, to make me stop drinking. Glad I found this blog.

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  49. Day 1 AGAIN tomorrow and I'm scared to death!!!! NEED PRAYERS!!!!

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  50. I am similar to you all. Have gone over 28hrs without a drink but cannot sleep. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

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