Monday, May 14, 2012

40 Months



***Submitted by Jamee, who blogs at Off Her Sauce

It has been 40 months since I took my last drink. Over 1,200 days. Nights and weekends. So am I cured?

I'm afraid not. I had a scare just last week, twice I justified taking pain pills when they were not exactly necessary and not for the pain they were prescribed for. As I was sitting at the ball park, texting a friend, I shared that I had just recently gotten the pills back after giving them to my sponsor to hold on to during a rough patch. I was bemoaning my lack of willpower and she offered to hold on to them for me.

She said, but if you give them to me I'm not giving them back.

I said no thank you. I wanted to keep the pills. Even though both times I took them my attitude got worse. My irritation with myself grew exponentially. I was not more patient with my children. And I am not even sure my hip pain lessened. So why hang on to them?

Why was I holding on so tightly to something that really wasn't working for me?

Because I am an addict. My counselor explained it to me in this way: a part of my brain is looking for the euphoric feeling I had once or twice with the pills. Nevermind that it doesn't happen anymore; somewhere, somehow, my brain thinks it can get it again. Which is why I took two instead of one on Saturday.

And my counselor also told me that it is not a character defect that causes me to want the pills, there is legitimate brain chemistry at work. Though I think it WOULD be a character defect if I didn't recognize my behaviors and do something about them. Especially dangerous behaviors that have the possibility of hurting myself or others. And taking pain pills falls into that catagory.

So I changed my mind. The next morning I left my prescription bottles and a short note on my friend's desk. And I feel so free. I am not having to fight myself to take or not take the pills. I am not thinking all the time about the pains in my hips and if they hurt 'that badly' or not.

Sheesh.....at some point I am praying this gets easier. But if it doesn't, I have faith that He will give me strength.....one day at a time.

and there IS hope.

10 comments:

  1. This is so interesting to me. I'm a food addict and am struggling with the SAME issue - this resentment that it is so hard, that I have to make the same decisions 1000x, even when I know better. Here's a post I just wrote a couple days ago: http://shockofrecognition.com/2012/05/12/stop-me-now

    I wish I had a solution, but maybe the solution is that we just have to keep making the right decisions. Over and over and over.

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  2. I am so proud of you!. It seems like you are doing just fine. It does get easier. But it is always going to be "One Day At A Time". Those of us in recovery are so lucky. Lots of people never make it that far.

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  3. Good to know I'm not alone. It has gotten easier. Although the years I've been sober are beginning to out number the years of active addiction, I must listen to the wisdom of others. This is my saving grace, to read stories such as yours. It is these voices that remind this brain "what is was like, what happened, and what it's like now." The word better chimes like a bell, over and over I hear it. Better, better, better, that's what it's like now. What a beautiful sound.

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  4. Good for you! I'm happy that you gave the pills away. I have chronic pain but refuse narcotics because of the addiction thing! I've only been sober for 10.5 months but it is getting better! Keep up the good work!

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  5. Thank you so much for sharing your story. You have amazing strength! The addict mind is so cunning, it drives me crazy. I am 21 months sober and I still think from time to time "I need a drink, then I would feel better" even though the last time I drank the cops were at my house while I was having a psychotic episode. When will that addict brain learn!!!! Stay strong!!!!! And take good care of yourself....Julie

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  6. I am so grateful for this forum, for a place we can encourage each other and reach a hand out to help. I am proud of each of you for your commitment to staying strong.....we ARE stronger than the drink, with God's help.

    there IS hope~

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  7. I just found this website today. Ive been sober 24 hours , and,this is a real lifeline. Im a mom of 2, and married. My spouse is,not much,of a drinker, but not supportive. Its taken me years but I can finally admit to being an alcoholic. My drinking has progressed over, the last year, as has,my weight. My self esteem is pretty low,now. Im not to obnoxious, dont miss work, or sleep around. I drink alone or occ with a female friend. I havent hit rock bottom enough to b destroying my husb life,or being a handful.....yet he could care less to be positive. Called me,a pathetic drunk and told me,to just stop, drinking .

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    1. 24 hours is awesome! This is a great place to reach out for help......
      Don't wait for the legal troubles, the worst of the worst. If you know you have a problem, get help! And you CAN do it!

      there IS hope~

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  8. Thanks mommaof3, I definately know that I can nolonger lie to myself or others...I am not a social drinker, I am an alcoholic. Guess I shouldnt be hard on my hubby...it cant be easy dealing with seeing your,wife,drink from walking in the door bedtime or passout,time. My kids deserve better...I deserve better. Today is,my second day...and I feel anxious, agitated....but I feel that Im finally freeing myself from this. Last night I told my mom, and an old friend the truth...ready to quit but scared of AA.

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    Replies
    1. I understand your fear.....it is a scary thing. But it is also such a chance you can give yourself. Your kids. Your husband. Do the next right thing!

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