Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Going to My First AA Meeting. A Mother Speaks Her Truth
***Submitted by Anonymous (please note: due to the delay between receiving posts and posting them, the "noon today" is not, in fact today. Hopefully Anonymous will send us an update on how she is doing.)
I am going to an AA meeting at noon today. I am hung over. I am at work. I showed up on time like I always do.
My anger and hurt are a twisted tin can of worms. I am still reeling from the events of last night and this morning. I am confused. I am hurt. I am not sure how to unravel my anger at my husband from my need to take ownership of my own addiction. Why is it always jammed together like this? Why does he twist it so much?
He came home last night at 2:00 am, slurring. I was asleep, and had been for several hours. Earlier in the night I had a glass with the neighborhood moms (okay I had 2), and then finished off the rest of the bottle alone, watching American Idol and the Housewives of Orange County. Because it's fun to drink alone (?), because I like drinking. I like numbing out. I deserve a break, right?
He came home at 2:00 am slurring. He was agitated because I am not affectionate enough. Becasue he had cancer surgery. Because I am not supportive enough. Becasue he does too much and I don't do enough. I asked him to be quiet and let me sleep. He kept at it. What is he angry about? I am still not sure. I just know he is angry and he's drunk and this is never good. It never ends well. I asked him to leave me aone. I reminded him that it is not okay to to this again. To frighten me at 2:00 am with drunken diatribes. He pressed on. "I guess this is it" he repeats several times. "I didn't want it to come to this" he repeats several times. He seems to want to tell me our marriage is over? That this was my last chance to save it? at 2:00 in the morning, when I have been sleeping? This is the time I am supposed to do (exactly what is not clear) something to save our marriage? And in not doing so, this is my fault?
I beg him to stop in my still somewhat drunk and sleepy stupor. He. Keeps. At me. I try to placate him. I lay my hand on his chest to try to soothe him , though I am repulsed by him in the moment. I don't want to touch him. I want him away. He keeps at me.
I take my pillow and once again slept in my 4 year olds sons room. Like I did less than two weeks ago.
Not again. We can't be here again. Not in the new house. Not since I implemented the "sage burning rule" in which our bedroom needs to be smudged with sage every time he does this. This was 5 years ago. We had grown, hadn't we? How could we be here again.
He has cancer (or had it, as surgery 3 months ago was curative). His mom has cancer (which is more traumatic somehow for him than it is for me - My mom has cancer as well - stage 4). He is doing it again.
This morning when I told him I planned to follow through on my threat - That I no longer feel safe sharing a room with him- That I can't share a room with someone who disrupts, harasses me, scares me in that state in the middle of thie night in my own room - he unleashed on me.
"YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING!' He shouted in front of the kids.
"YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING!" My 7 year old can hear him. my 4 year old can hear him. They probably know what this means. They see the wine glass in my hand almost every night.
"YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING!" He followed me through the house shouting at me repeatedly.
"YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING!" PLEASE STOP DRINKING!" He yelled out the patio door as I fed the dogs.
"YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING!" He shouted at me as I put on my makeup. Look at you ! Look at yourself! Everyone can tell by looking at you!
"YOU NEED TO STOP DRINKING!" He shouted as I fed the kids breakfast. He's never done this in front of the kids before. I think he's still drunk. He has been a mean drunk, and becoming a meaner drunk by the day. Doesn't matter if it's wo beers or 12. He gets that in his system and it gives him permission to rage at me.
"Try not to get a DUI on your way to work today", I snark at him. It's the one thing I say to lash out. To hurt him. He's a mean drunk, and when he drinks enough to have it in his system in the morning, he's meaern than a snake the next morning too. "Want to see it on video?" he threatens. He pulls out his iphone. "I recorded it!" he shouts. I am confused. He talks about recording conversations as though this would prove that the problem is ME. It never makes sense, and it doesn't now. He finally leaves to go to work. The house is quiet again.
I am shaken. Our home is chaotic. This is not what I want our home tobe. This is not what I want my family to be. This is hurting out kids. I need to do what I can to make it less chaotic.
I am scared because I need my numbing juice more than I want to admit. I am scared because I know I drink too much, too often, by myself. I don't think I can stop this alone. I am scared because I am so incredibly lonely and embarrased. I am embarrased and ashamed that my life is like this. I am ashamed that this goes on and then come apologies, and then I carry on and pretend my marriage is normal and that my drinking is normal and that his drinking is normal. I am ashamed my husband acts like this. I am ashamed I allow my life to be like this. I am ashamed that I am a wine-breathed shadow of a mother.
I am going to an AA meeting at noon today.