***Submitted by Ariel
I’ve been a binge drinker for 20 years. I have every reason in the world to quit drinking. A great husband, 3 kids that I love like crazy, my own business, friends, and I have the desire to quit – to be a sober person – but I can’t seem to accomplish this.
My husband is a normal drinker. A couple of beers or a few glasses of wine and he’s good. He doesn’t have regular blackouts and pass out on the couch, like I do. He’s the responsible one, the designated driver (for me, always). He’s the one who will pick up our sons if they’re at friends’ houses at night, because God knows I can't drive.
I try to rationalize why I drink about two bottles of wine a night, 4 nights a week, sometimes 5, more if it’s a ‘holiday week’ or we’re away on vacation, or any other excuse. Am I bored and drinking to escape into a buzzed inner-euphoria? (yes). Am I intentionally trying to set a bad example for my kids? (I’m not doing it because I want to, but yes, of course I am setting a bad example. I am painfully aware of this, yet I continue to drink too much wine.) Do I want cirrhosis of the liver? Do I have a death wish? (no).
I believe that I drink a lot at home out of boredom and habit. As early as 5pm or 6pm, the cork gets popped and mom’s got a tumbler of wine in her hand…one that will be refilled many times.
I believe that I drink a lot when I’m out with friends, or when my husband and I go out on a super rare occasion, because being drunk feels good and makes me feel like a more interesting,outgoing person to be around. That is, except when the night devolves in to me being in a drunken stupor, falling off my chair, having someone pour me back into my house later that night. Me, not remembering the second half of so many nights.
Having said all this, one would never know I have a problem. I don’t drink during the day. I *can* go for days without drinking (recently went for 6 straight days while visiting family in another state. I didn’t even miss my wine. Why is that?) I’m highly functional. I’m really into fitness (I know, the irony). I work outdoing hard core cardio or weight training nearly every day and I eat right. I’m in love with my kids and husband, have a nice house, I’m great at what I do according to my clients, yada yada.
So why the heck can’t I even cut down? It’s just getting worse and worse.
I worry that I’m going to go the way of Whitney Houston. I’m almost the age she was when she died earlier this year. I hope I can muster the strength to go to a women’s meeting. I don’t have the strength yet to tell friends, family, or even straight-on tell my husband of my problem (but geez, he knows, right?).
i recall elly of 'one crafty mother' referring to the evening drink commencement as "the witching hour". the boredom sets in and you feel the urge to settle it. try doing anything else: go for a walk with your family, the beach, garden, something to keep you out of the house or away from the source during that time.
ReplyDeleteAbove, seek help; we all need it, alcoholic or not.
You took the first step and admitted you were powerless over alcohol. now contact an AA office in your area and have them put you in contact with a sober woman. Do this before you take a drink. It's simple but not easy.
ReplyDeleteI came from a family of alcholics, they are deceased now from the
ReplyDeletedisease, most recently my nephew, age 50. I choose not to use any
drug and alchol is a drug. My daughter did not, herion was her drug
of choice. She is an addict and will be an addict the rest of her
life, but came to me for help and she now six years sober!. Admitting
to yourself is your first step, the next step is to pickup the phone
and call the AA 24 hour hotline. They WILL call you back within 24
hours. What THEY tell you do WILL save your life! You do not owe an
explanation to your husband at this time. For all we know he could
very well have a problem too. Addicts lead a normal life and can
lie better than anybody, don't be fooled by this disease!
I think you're me - highly functional, workout, eat healthy (saves calories for alcohol), great family, husband as DD - not even a question, happy clients. Endlessly reading blogs waiting for the right inspiration to quit but really wanting to moderate because the idea of quitting is painful, really painful. Feeling envious of others who have made the decision and now find joy and peace and a better life. I don't know what it will take... I hope you figure it out and post about it.
ReplyDeleteI am you and I am now 2 plus years sober. My truth is now that my absolutely worst day as a sober mom is still infinitely better than my best day as a drinking mom. Stay in the blogs. Read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. Talk to you husband...he knows and he's worried about you. Your kids know too-I have found out just how much since I've been sober and I'm learning to live with the guilt.
ReplyDeleteYou can get sober without AA like I did but it's a helluva lot easier if you go. For me, it's the only place I've ever been where I don't feel shame.
Good for you for admitting you have a problem. That is huge. Yes, a woman's meeting will make you feel great and put things in perspective, when you are ready. In the meantime, read the blogs. Also maybe check out an online AA meeting if you're too nervous to go to a actual meeting.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing!
XO
I second reading Drinking, A Love Story. I read it twice before I quit drinking. I can relate with much of your story....esp the husband enabling....its tough....
ReplyDeleteCheck out AA or Celebrate Recovery....there IS hope-
If AA doesn't work for you, try Women for Sobriety. Thanks for posting - you sound like me (except I don't work out)
ReplyDeleteI too was a functioning alcoholic. I had a successful career, a Mother, work out all of the time (sometimes with hangovers so bad I thought I would pass out) but then one day it all fell on top of me like an earthquake takes down a small city. I have friends approach me about how to get sober or whether or not I think they have a drinking problem. My answer.. the only answer is... when it starts to create problems in your life... you need to take a long hard look at the destruction it is causing... especially to those that you love. I eventually lost everything. I too thought that I could not find the happiness being sober because alcohol offered an escape from reality but sobriety offers so many more wonderful gifts. I have learned so much about myself, how to learn to love myself again, how to learn to love others without masking it behind a bottle, the power of forgiveness, the kind of person that I want to be. Go to a meeting and meet other people just like you. The serenity and peace that you feel when you hand over your disease and face it head on, is so powerful. My alcoholism has cost me a lot but boy has it taught me a lot about life, to me it's a gift and once you find the beauty in sobriety it's a gift that will allow you to "pay it forward."
ReplyDeleteAriel,
ReplyDeleteHere's the good news, you don't have to figure it out. You can quit trying to rationalize it, because you never will. All you have to do is quit. That's it. So simple but incredibly hard to do. I know. I was a daily heavy drinker for 30 years. I couldn't envision a life without alcohol until I could see myself dying if I continued to drink. Take a leap of faith and believe what everyone here is telling you. Because it's true. Life is better without alcohol. Period!
You drink because you are alcoholic - physical craving and obsession of the mind.
ReplyDeleteYou say people don't know, don't notice when you fall out of chair?
I stopped when I was 45 and will have 28 years in AA this month.
Don't rationalize - just do it.
Best,
Sally
I saw someone mention Drinking: A Love Story. Reading that was my first step. Then I posted here, joined Women For Sobriety (WFS), set a quit date, began reading and contributing to the forums, found my local WFS meeting and have been continuously sober for almost 60 days. It hasn't been easy, sometimes it's been a downright battle with myself, but my life has changed drastically for the better.
ReplyDeleteI am 32 and spent the better part of 6 years drinking daily. I was an extremely high functioning alcoholic though now I looking back I cringe. I had no idea what functioning was until I quit.
As one of the moderators at WFS says, "We can drink, or we can have the life we want. That's the choice."
That really says it all.
Your journey sounds a lot like what I'm going through right now, too. I've been struggling with maintaining continuous sobriety over the last few months - it's a battle, but one I know will be worth it. I just started seeing a therapist again - being truthful for the first time in therapy was a huge step - and feel blessed to have gotten to the place where I'm finally ready to be kind to myself. My yoga practice and community help, too. I'll be 32 in a few months and hope to be sober when I do. Good luck to you - and everyone!
DeleteI am currently a daily drinker. I have tried AA and have family members in the program. I personally have seen how it works, but I do not agree that anybody is powerless over anything. I think it stems from bordem and habit. People need to figure out the root of their problem, including I.
ReplyDeleteBoredom is right
DeleteOnce a drink is ingested an alcoholics body will physically crave more and the mind will obsess over getting it. I am personally as Powerless over that craving as I am over a sneeze.
DeleteI am also powerless over another persons impression of me, or their behavior - Oh the list goes on and on......
The root of my problem is ME and thank God that really is the only thing I have power over. Thank you AA for opening the gates of hell and letting me out.
I feel like you are telling my story. I am a bit younger but have always been a binge drinker. I quit. I quit because I have 3 awesome kids and a great husband. I could never just have one or two beers and at first a six pack would do it but then I was drinking like a 30 pack per week and it terrified me. Then I would eat healthy and go to the gym or run 5-6 miles per day. I was living a total facade...now I feel great and everytime I think of drinking I look at one of my precious kids and that is my why not to...
ReplyDeleteGood luck and many blessings to you..you can do this!!
Ariel,
ReplyDeleteYou are already on the right track. You know your drinking is a problem and it sounds like you are fed up with it. You have a support system behind you in your husband, who knows you have a problem but hasn't pushed you to confront it until you're ready. And of course you have your kids! You want to be there for them now and in the future. Contact AA in your area, attend a meeting, don't make excuses and choose recovery now.
I'm there now. Going for not drinking again.
ReplyDeleteI remember waking up 9 months ago with puffy face, blurry eyes and stomach "issues" from too much wine , and looking in the mirror hating how hung over and sluggish I felt wondering how I was ever going to stop this cycle.
ReplyDeleteI too am a mom, married, happy life, fit, eat very healthy (except for wine and lately vodka). I realized that I was not really living a life. I was withdrawing every night into wine and it was slowly killing my spirit. I was a shell of a person, with no idea how to feel anymore and it scarred me to death.
Now, nine months later I feel great! It has gotten easier and I love waking up not hating myself and most importantly I am fully present for my kids. I cannot get those years back but I can press on!
Take care
Resistance to temptation and controlling yourself is the key of the problem. If you can drink a lot when you are with your friends, I guess it would be better to minimize going out with them, if cannot avoided, you must learn to control yourself.
ReplyDeleteHOW I WAS FREE FROM ALCOHOLISM AND SMOKING
ReplyDeletei have been drinking too much of late….. i’ll “accidentally do a bottle of wine” in an evening over a period of about three hours. last night i drank three large rum punches…. over about two and a half hours. i feel groggy and slow today and maybe in the grand scale of alcoholism i have little to ‘worry about” but i am concerned seeing as my Dad was a major alcoholic and it killed him, i told my best friend about it, he gave me Dr sambol contact and i email him immediately and explain every thing to him and he ask me what to do after the casting of the spell i was free from alcoholism i’m on a week without booze, contact him he can be of help to you drsambolspelltemple01@gmail.com