Monday, March 5, 2012
Here I Go Again
***Submitted by Anonymous
Here I go again. Waking up and remembering most of the evening before, but not exactly everything. I'm nervous and discombobulated. My thoughts are of regret and self-loathing. Why did I do this again? It's like the old joke - "Doctor, Doctor, it hurts when I do that". "Then don't do that...".
I went on this website when it was referred to in an article in the Toronto Star. I was amazed that there are so many women that struggle with this - just like me. I was also encouraged by the fact that so many of the "participants" were so forthright and not embarrassed to come forth. You are all amazing; my hope is that I can stand amongst all of you and end or at the very least control this awful cycle of addiction.
I drank on and off, heavy and casually, way before my marriage ended. My husband travelled a great deal, often out of the country and I was left at home, working a full time job, raising three young children. I never had allowed myself time for myself, spent money on myself - except for the copious amounts of white wine. All that money and nothing to show for it. Ha!
My husband then left me for another much younger woman. I was devastated despite the fact that I was very unhappy in the marriage. My bi-polar disorder went into overdrive, drank heavily, spent money on a new wardrobe as I lost weight (my caloric intake was almost entirely alcoholic in nature), started dating in earnest (God, I looked great on the outside, slimmer, well-outfitted but a mess on the inside; men don't care, they just want, well, you know....).
Fast forward three years. I moved back to my hometown. Landed a great job. Brought the kids with me. Bought a house. Some of my demons have been conquered, but the largest and most consuming one, alcohol is still very much alive and is it tenacious.... It has gotten in the way of a relationship with a wonderful man. My kids are beginning to sense that I have a drinking problem.
This is the journey that I begin again, but today, there's an earnestness and urgency I haven't felt before.