Monday, March 5, 2012

Here I Go Again




***Submitted by Anonymous

Here I go again.  Waking up and remembering most of the evening before, but not exactly everything.  I'm nervous and discombobulated.  My thoughts are of regret and self-loathing.  Why did I do this again?  It's like the old joke - "Doctor, Doctor, it hurts when I do that".  "Then don't do that...".

 I went on this website when it was referred to in an article in the Toronto Star.  I was amazed that there are so many women that struggle with this - just like me.  I was also encouraged by the fact that so many of the "participants" were so forthright and not embarrassed to come forth.  You are all amazing; my hope is that I can stand amongst all of you and end or at the very least control this awful cycle of addiction.

I drank on and off, heavy and casually, way before my marriage ended.  My husband travelled a great deal, often out of the country and I was left at home, working a full time job, raising three young children.  I never had allowed myself time for myself, spent money on myself - except for the copious amounts of white wine.  All that money and nothing to show for it.  Ha!

My husband then left me for another much younger woman.  I was devastated despite the fact that I was very unhappy in the marriage.  My bi-polar disorder went into overdrive, drank heavily, spent money on a new wardrobe as I lost weight (my caloric intake was almost entirely alcoholic in nature), started dating in earnest (God, I looked great on the outside, slimmer, well-outfitted but a mess on the inside; men don't care, they just want, well, you know....).

Fast forward three years.  I moved back to my hometown.  Landed a great job.  Brought the kids with me.  Bought a house.  Some of my demons have been conquered, but the largest and most consuming one, alcohol is still very much alive and is it tenacious....  It has gotten in the way of a relationship with a wonderful man.  My kids are beginning to sense that I have a drinking problem.

This is the journey that I begin again, but today, there's an earnestness and urgency I haven't felt before.

Thank you.

11 comments:

  1. My thoughts are with you today. Congratulations on beginning your journey! It may be tough sometimes, but the rewards are wonderful.

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  2. And a journey it is!! It helps a lot to read others struggles and victories. We aren't alone. I pray you have the strength to conquer this demon! You, alone, have to decide.....and when you do.....it is SOOOO worth it! Thank you for having the courage to share! You're amazing....and loved.

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  3. It is amazing how fabulous, how together we can look on the outside while we fall apart on the inside. It is such a wonderful turning point when we admit to ourselves that we have had enough of the darkness and are willing to change. I wish you peace and happiness on your new path.

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  4. Isn't it such relief knowing that there are other women out there who truly understand where you are? I know it is for me. You are very brave to admit that you have an issue with alcohol as so many people never even make it that far. Have you gone to any meetings? We have some great all women meetings in my town which I have come to rely on heavily for support. Maybe you can find one in your town also. It's pretty important to put yourself out there and ask for help. No matter what you have done that you think makes you a bad person, just remember, we have all done it and you aren't a bad person, you are just sick. A huge difference and that really made me stop and think. I thought I had done so many awful things....and I had. But I was a good person who just needed help. Alcohol was merely a symptom of everything else going on in my head. It's a disease of the mind and that is what makes us drink. I wish you luck in your journey and all the happiness that you deserve. Sobriety is such a wonderful journey!!!

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    1. I really want to get into the program--- and this is so embarrassing but I feel like I need to drink before I go--How sick is that????? I am soo disgusted with myself!!!!

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    2. Don't feel disgusted with yourself! The truth is that you ARE sick. We all are with a disease called Alcoholism. It doesn't make us disgusting or bad or anything like that, it just means our brains are different than those who are not addicted to drugs/alcohol. And honestly, though of course I would say try to not drink before a meeting, if you DO, don't beat yourself up. You don't have to be sober to go to a meeting or even to pick up a "surrender" chip or a "white chip". It just means you are really trying to change your life. A speaker meeting would be good as someone else said. You can go in and just listen and not have to talk. Don't get too caught up in the rituals (prayers, readings, etc.) at first. Just go, and listen and be willing to be open and honest. You will be amazed at what you will find. :)

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  5. I am walking the same path you are and I have been stumbling down the one you are working to get off of. I have been so relieved to hear all these stories that I thought were just my own. It helps to know you are not alone out there in this haze. I wish you the strength to continue as I will pray for my strength to continue. Let's do this together.

    -Ready

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  6. You will find peace in this work. I am pulling for you. Just string together one moment of sobriety at a time.

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  7. One day at a time is all you can do. It's not easy...scary in fact, but so worth it. I have never been happier. I'll be praying for you and your children.

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  8. You mentioned regret and that feeling of self loathing, I too know these well. My children were 9 months, 3yrs and 4yrs old when it became obvious that I had a problem. I believe this is a disease, I did not choose it and I certainly did not intend to harm my children.

    My regret comes from the years of avoiding sobriety, Those years that I knew recovery was available. The years I was absent emotionally and those years I can never get back. What I have learned is this, Although it is NOT my fault that I have a disease called addiction, IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY to seek help. You're seeking help, you're taking responsibility, and you're worth it.

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  9. Thank you for sharing your struggles. I hope you know you are NOT alone! Your story sounds just like mine. I will be thinking and praying for you. You are a stronger person than you may ever give yourself credit for. This is not a sprint! Take 1 day at a time!!

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