Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Becoming The Person She Wants To Be


***Submitted by Anonymous:

Like most people, I’m not really sure where or why my life started to fall apart and alcohol started to take over my life. 

What I do know is that it did and it was a spiral that took over every ounce of my soul. Every day is a battle and prayers to the God of my understanding are continuous in an effort to relieve me of the bondage of self because sometimes, often times, life and all of my problems are simply to big for me.

I am the daughter of an alcoholic Father and a Mother who just struggled to keep the family together and assemble some sort of peace in the chaos of my Father’s drinking and all of the trauma that went along with it. Looking back, my drinking and my life spiraled just like my father. The family eventually fell a part.

I managed my life and was very successful in a medical sales career. I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 34 and at 36 my life had turned upside down. My daughter’s father and I couldn’t make things work and certain life events made me turn to the bottle for support and love. I got a DUI and ended up in treatment, knowing that when I got out I would drink again.

I went to meetings thinking that it would somehow make me feel better about my drinking. Clearly, a half assed attempt on having some sort of serenity in my life. I would stay sober for a bit and then fall right back into old behavior in an effort to relieve the pain. I had lost everything that I ever truly wanted in my life… my daughter, her father, the life that I had always wanted or at least the picture that I had painted for my future.

I had finally gotten my daughter back in the summer of 2011; my ex and I shared custody. I was still drinking and it was only getting worse. I thought that I could continue to hide my drinking but on August 9th, my daughter was taken from me.

I went back to rehab on September 5th, 2011 and have been sober since.

I have seen my little girl 11 times since that day and I didn’t see her for the first time again until early December, four months of not seeing her or talking to her. My ex has temporary full custody of her now and my days are now filled with thoughts of seeing her on Thursday evening for 45 minutes in a child psychiatrist office, supervised. 

The destruction of my drinking and the actions related, resulted in my loosing the one thing that I love and cherish the most in life. Every single day is a battle and my life seems so incredibly overwhelming at times but I couldn’t keep going if I wasn’t sober. Some days are good, some days are bad, and some days I just simply exist not knowing how to clean up the wreckage of my actions. I go to meetings, I do service work, I have a sponsor, I have a God of my understanding but life is hard.

Thoughts of my little girl take up every ounce of space in my head and in my heart, I often cry myself to sleep wishing that I could just go into her room and smell her hair or touch her skin… some days I just can’t seem to find the light at the end of the tunnel but I know that as long as I am sober there will always be hope because my drinking offered no hope at all. 

This journey has taught me about the person that I want to be. 

In this process I can’t lose who I am…it’s like my sponsor told me, being an alcoholic is only part of who you are. The hardest part of sobriety is cleaning up the wreckage of my past.

I continue trying to mend relationships with those that I have hurt, trying to get more time with the one thing that I love most in life (my daughter), figuring out my future, recovering from financial ruin, and figuring out who I am but without a God of my understanding, my sponsor, wonderful friends and family, and my AA family, I wouldn’t be here to tell my story.


8 comments:

  1. Wow! Your story has brought me to tears. I commend you for taking the first steps towards recovery and knowing that the best thing you can do not only for yourself but for the relationship with your daughter, is to find this recovery. My husband is a functioning alcoholic who is still in denial and has not spoken to our 3 children in 5 months. I just don't understand how not talking to or seeing his children cannot bring him to the point of getting help. I know he has to miss the relationship he had with them. Work your program and your daughter will see a difference in you and will see how much you love her. Take care..I wish you well.

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  2. I nearly lost the relationship with my daughter and son because I let alcohol take over my life. I have been sober for six months now and am rebuilding the relationship with both my children. I commend you for the steps you have taken and it will work out for you and your daughter. Keep moving forward....I wish you all the best.

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  3. It is not too late, just keep cleaning it up and your daughter will be able to say, "my Mother never gave up."

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  4. I can relate to your story in so many ways. I have been sober 2 + years and now have regained 50/50 custody with my two girls. My youngest, who is 11, recently told me her I am "her role model" and I almost collapsed with joy. Forgiveness is a generous quality with our children. I am a living testament to that. My children's love got me to get help and get sober and every time I want to take a drink, I look at them and realize that they are too important to take a chance at drinking again. I am sending you strength and just know that if you live honestly and keep moving forward, you will regain everything you have lost. God bless.

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  5. I totally agree with the comment above. Children are the most forgiving and innocent creatures. Living Life on Life's terms is a very hard thing, but as the post above said.. the most important thing is HONESTY and FAITH. Keep doing the next right thing and good things will come.. you have to believe that. Sending you prayers and support.. from one Alcoholic Mother to another.

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  6. While reading your post I just kept nodding my head and saying "yes, I understand that." My children suffered greatly through my addiction, and they were the single biggest reason I sought sobriety. I began looking at life as a series of choices. I started doing the next right thing and I honestly cannot believe where our relationships are today. Never give up.

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  7. Such an inspirational story of how you are doing so well now in sobriety. I too grew up with an alcoholic father who ruined our family and I vowed to never be like him. So what did I do? Ended up EXACTLY like him. Your story reminds me a lot of myself. It is awesome that you are doing everything that is asked of you (meetings, service work, sponsor, etc.) So many people struggle to do whatever it takes and it doesn't always turn out well. I think you are doing great and all you can really do now is live one day at a time, work your program and continue to make your living amends. Your daughter is going to love and appreciate so much all the work you put into yourself. What an awesome gift you can give her. Hang in there - you are not alone!

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  8. Keep doing what you are doing and all of the "Promises" will come to fruition. I have been sober since July 2011...not much longer than you. I am growing more and more everyday. My daughter is 24 and will not talk to me. She won't allow me to see my Grandson. Maybe, God willing, with time she will come around. Just don't drink.

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